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No contact from DIL about DH’s illness

(46 Posts)
Granfran Wed 22-May-19 13:32:34

Feeling more and more upset that my daughter in law has made no effort to contact us about my my husbands illness. DS and DIL plus DGC’s live 5 minutes away. Out of the blue DH has been told he needs to have a pacemaker. We are in shock as there have been no symptoms. For the past few days DIL has posted endless photos on FB of herself and her Mum out and about having meals, theatre visits etc etc. Her Mum has been to stay for 10 days. My gripe is that she has not popped round to see DH or rung him or even sent him a text. We have done so much for them ~ helped them move house twice, always fetching and carrying the DGCs. Her Mum is a bitter divorcee who lives up north and has 2 other GCs close to her. AIBU to feel so upset about DILs behaviour. Disappointed in DS too ~ he is not working this week but no sign of him. Know now we can expect no support from them if we ever need it.

Septimia Wed 22-May-19 13:44:08

I'd be feeling a bit neglected, too.
When my DH had a heart attack our DS did offer to come to help but, to be honest, there was nothing he could do and we just had to wait for a stent to be fitted. My point is that I played down just how worrying the situation was - as folk like us tend to do.
Perhaps your DS and DiL are concerned but think that everything is under control and don't realise just how much you'd both like a bit of moral support. Maybe you need to make it clear that it is serious - give them a bit of a nudge and a wake-up call!

Namsnanny Wed 22-May-19 14:18:23

Granfran...i’d Feel the same way too!
Septum is has the right take on the situation probably.
They can be very self centred at times!
Wishing you and your husband the best shamrock

Namsnanny Wed 22-May-19 14:19:46

Oops! I swear i checked the spelling Septimia!!blush

paddyann Wed 22-May-19 14:29:44

difficult one,if your DIL rarely sees her mum then she's probably just making the most of the time with her.Unless you tell them the health problem is serious then they wont know .Your son is different ,I dont know why you're more annoyed at your DIL if your son isn't working all week and is free to be with you.Speak to him first.

leyla Wed 22-May-19 14:49:29

I think they both probably feel that they see a great deal of you and know that they will be able to see you properly after her Mum goes home.
I expect they are busy trying to make sure that DILs Mum feels that she has had a lovely time as she doesn't get to see them very often, also I expect DIL misses her Mum and is enjoying having a bit of time with her. DILs Mum no doubt wishes that she was lucky enough to have them live as close as you do!
Anyway, if you are cross with anyone, it should be your son, not your DIL.
Try and count your blessings - DHs heart problem has been identified and will be treated. I am sure they will help you out then when it is needed.

Floradora9 Wed 22-May-19 14:54:41

Maybe they think a pacemaker is no big deal . To you both , of course , it is but it does not seem so to them . I went through radiotherapy wth no input from my DC and it did not bother me .

H1954 Wed 22-May-19 14:58:42

I think I would be tempted to message both DS and DIL to say something like " just an update on dad, he's having a pacemaker fitted etc etc etc" make no reference to DIL's mother visiting. Simply act like they were already aware of some of the information but not all of it and you're merely bringing them up to date. Then wait and see what happens.

Flossieturner Wed 22-May-19 15:13:06

May I ask about your headline. Why is it the DiLs responsibility?

Eglantine21 Wed 22-May-19 15:46:28

Yes I wondered that Flossie. No contact from son would have made more sense. The DIL is busy with her own mum.

Craicon Wed 22-May-19 16:17:16

OP, I could understand your thread if you were complaining that your son hasn’t been in touch to ask after his dad but why focus on your DIL?
She is currently hosting her mum who you state, lives up north and presumably doesn’t get to see her family very often?
To be honest, you come across as bitter and jealous to focus on your DIL and maybe that’s why she hasn’t been in touch?

M0nica Wed 22-May-19 16:31:59

In your situation, before I being upset because my DiL hadn't been round, I would be truly upset that my son had done nothing. He is the one who is your child and you cannot expect your DiL to care if your son doesn't. It would be nice to think she was more caring than your son, but he is the one who has truly let you down and in your position that is what would really upset me.

Or do I get the feeling, this neglect is par for the course for your son?

DoraMarr Wed 22-May-19 16:59:25

I’m not sure that “bitter divorcee” has anything to do with it. As others have said, it is your son you should be annoyed with.

Deedaa Wed 22-May-19 17:16:11

To be honest when we lived a long way from my parents I would have been thrilled to have them stay and any problems my in laws had would have been very much on the back burner. Not that I didn't like them but I hardly ever saw my parents. I would make it clear to your son how worried you are. He's the one who should be helping.

midgey Wed 22-May-19 17:58:37

The trouble is that you will probably not ask for help when you need it, you will assume your son and his wife know possibly by magic. Have you actually told them about the pacemaker yet? It is a very speedy procedure and hopefully will keep your husband safe. Best of luck!

agnurse Wed 22-May-19 18:10:48

In all fairness, why is this a DIL issue and not a DS issue?

In many families now (mine included) each person takes a "you handle yours and I'll handle mine" approach to their parents. Meaning it does not necessarily fall on the wife to make all the social arrangements.

sparkly1000 Wed 22-May-19 18:13:16

Your post does not show you up in a very good light.
What is the actual " illness" that he has been diagnosed with?
As he is asymptomatic I suspect an abnormality has been picked up and a pacemaker to be fitted as a precaution.
What has your DIL's mother being a "bitter divorcee" have to do with anything? Bitter or divorced, she is still entitled to visit her daughter and grandchildren.
Where is your son in all this? It's his Dad after all!

Madgran77 Wed 22-May-19 19:36:21

Its your son who is maybe letting you down, not your daughter in law!

cornergran Wed 22-May-19 20:05:56

I imagine you are both scared granfran, probably your heads are going to worst case scenario and understandably you hoped for support from your son and daughter in law. You do sound very hurt and I can understand that. I wonder though if actually your son and his wife are seeing the pacemaker as a solution, something to keep your husband safe, rather than as a problem, so won’t understand your feelings. I’m also wondering about your relationship with them both. Is it usually your daughter in law who makes contact? Maybe wait until they are on their own again and ask your son to come for a chat. Be honest, explain how shocked and worried you are, listen to what he says. Don’t assume they won’t be there for you once they understand.

Iam64 Wed 22-May-19 20:34:24

My father in law had a pacemaker fitted in his late 70's. We lived 200 miles away an didn't know about it until our scheduled visit 2 months later. I've been having 24 hour heart monitors, definitely need meds and may need a pacemaker. I haven't talked about it with my adult children, though we're in very regular contact as we live nearby and care for their children once or twice a week.

As others have said, why focus your anger on your daughter in law?

Bibbity Wed 22-May-19 20:46:23

Her Mum is a bitter divorcee

If this is how you come across to her IrL then maybe she doesn’t want to contact you independently.

How much effort has your son put in?
She can have a relationship with him without having to feel obligated to his family.

Febmummaofaboy Thu 23-May-19 10:56:18

So your son is off work and hasn't seen his dad who needs a pacemaker but your title is that your DIL hasn't visited? Am sorry for your husband being ill but it is your son who is being unthoughtful to his parents, your DIL is being thoughtful to her own mother. Why should she visit and leave her own mother when your son hasn't visited?

crystaltipps Thu 23-May-19 11:06:22

A pacemaker fitting is fairly routine these days and is usually done as a day patient under local anaesthetic. I’m guessing your s and DiL aren’t aware of how anxious you are. Let them know. I agree with others it’s your son who should be the first port of call.

Callistemon Thu 23-May-19 11:10:11

I would be rather upset about my son's lack of concern, too and wonder why it should fall to a busy DIL to be in touch? Presumably she rarely sees her mother and had planned a busy schedule for her visit.
You say there were no symptoms, either, so perhaps they think this is just a routine thing and don't appreciate how upset you are.

stella1949 Thu 23-May-19 11:34:20

Your DH hasn't had any symptoms - so presumably he isn't actually ill. To be honest a pacemaker is not a big procedure so perhaps your son and his wife think it's a simple matter. I agree with other posters - why is this complaint being made about your DIL ?