Stalking from elderly neighbour

Why go over to her place ? You could nod and smile when she invites you , but just not turn up , don't answer the door to her , she should soon get the message

It would be very tempting to tell her where to go after her offensive comments about your OH, however, I would follow the advice of many here and just not let her in, tell her you are busy and never never accept invitations from her.

She sounds very controlling. I might even say bullying. As others have said, you need to put a stop to this as it will affect your mental health which, you mention, is already fragile.

If you do not feel strong enough to deal with it yourself, do you have a friend who can give you a bit of moral support?

If the doorbell rings - you could try instead opening an upstairs window...to say you can’t come down...

Or answer the door (on the chain) wearing just a bath towel or skimpy sarong.....

Our practice is that if we don't know who is at the door, or if it is someone we don't want to see (rare), we simply don't answer the door.

You may think that's rude. This is our home. No one is entitled to enter it without our consent. If we aren't up to company that's our decision. We don't need to justify that to anyone. If you don't get a response, either we aren't home, or we aren't up to company.

IIRC, back in the day, people would have times when they were "at home" and would be open to receiving callers, and times when they were "not at home". They might still be in the house, but they weren't receiving company and their servants were told to state as much to anyone who came to the door.

The only difference for us is that we don't have a servant

You find it hard to assert yourself, I get that. Feeling that you are in a situation which you cannot control is very difficult and uncomfortable, which can cause stress and unhappiness.

If I were in this situation, I would start to draw back. As others have said, don't answer the door occasionally, make an excuse that you have go somewhere/have an appointment etc.

Make your relationship with your husband important; e.g. say you're meeting him for lunch/he's taking you out for lunch.

This is what I did when I didn't want to become involved in a family matter; I always had to be somewhere or had already arranged to do something, and now the expectation of me has been removed so that now I am not asked. I now get involved on my terms, and if it's suits me.

I found that drawing back was a way to say no without being confrontational or appearing rude, and I practise this whenever I feel someone is expecting too much.

Hope that helps. x

Gilf, I'm sorry you're facing this situation but think you've gotten very good advice here.

Also want to comment on agnurse' suggestion about not answering the door, at all, if you know it's the neighbor. There's no rule that says one has to open ones door just because someone rings the bell. You're entitled to your privacy.

The racist comments would be a total deal-breaker for me. The next time she makes such a remark (if she gets the chance, that is), I would tell her in no uncertain terms that this isn't acceptable to me, turn on my heel and leave (or whatever fits here). That would give me an obvious "reason" to avoid her afterwards, also. But even if it didn't, I would not put up w/ that.

Wishing you all the strength and courage you need to deal w/ this situation.

Also, so deeply sorry about your struggles w/ depression. But all the more reason, IMO, to keep negative energy/this neighbor out of your life.

She sounds a lonely woman - probably through her actions with previous neighbours and friends!
You don't have to be assertive as such - just put your foot in front of the door and the next time she calls round say "I'm sorry, but I am busy" and then quietly close the door!
If she shouts out of the window at you, ignore her and carry on walking - it will be difficult at first, but stick to your guns and she should get the hint

Well you can try doing what my friend did with an extremely similar next door neighbor. Decide how much time you can give her and outside those times wave her off with a "can't stop". It's kinder than cutting her off altogether, unless you really can't stand her at all

Hopefully the advice you have been given will enable you to decide on a strategy. M0nica is right
'This situation will not end unless you take some action. I think the idea of having a chain on the door and saying 'not today, I am too busy' and then shutting the door is the best solution. She will either stop bothering you or it will get worse and then you can call the police and let them deal with it.'

Doing nothing is not an option

As others have said your home is your home. I suggest you have a strategy such as a phone that is rining or what ever so that you cannot stay to chat. do not visit her home again.

'If elderly must be a form of dementia'?? Diagnosis of a persons mental capacity should be left to those qualified to do so and who are we to assume that someone is doing something on the instructions of another, ie cut grass wash a car, than by their own choice.?
We may be surrounded by those we love, and loved by, but still feel lonely and this may be difficult for others to understand.How one politely handles an over bearing neighbour without causing offence as we never know when we ourselves will need help and companionship needs discretion. We can invent a situation' must go have etc etc to do 'or obtain professional advice if a person is clearly dominating ones life as I do not see, what maybe a clear case of loneliness on the part of a neighbour, changing.

This lady sounds desperately lonely, but this doesn’t mean that you have to put up with this intrusion. I have no suggestion to make except, maybe, have a gentle word with her husband. Good luck.

You must tell her that you need your space. We should be able to relax in our own homes, and gardens. Just tell her the truth, and that you are not used to going in and out of neighbour's homes and vice versa.
Just be pleasant but firm

Some good suggestions on here already for not having to spend time with a neighbour who is clearly upsetting you. However you go about it you need to be able to relax in your own home. Could a friend or your husband help next time she knocks, calls out or tries to give unwanted gifts? I really do think you may end up having to be a bit more assertive and telling her you are not available for visits, do not want to go round hers for coffee etc.

I agree with Starlady that "The racist comments would be a total deal-breaker for me". That she is racist about your husband could be the number one reason to avoid her - just tell her once "I cannot be friends with a racist" and walk off. She may not like being told this, but you don't like having a "mildly racist" neighbour insult the man you have been married to for 33 years. You and your husband should not have to tolerate any racist behaviour (nor should anybody else), it is unacceptable and hurtful.

If she has the hide of a rhino and fails to get the message if you cut her off, don't invite her in or accept invitations, and call her out on being a racist, tell her your mental health makes you want to tell people to F**k off and leave you alone!

Good luck, I hope you find strategy that works for you and that you get some peace back in your life, can enjoy your home and ease some of the stress to lessen your chronic depression.

I have never been stalked by a neighbour, but when I was a young mum had a neighbour who thought it was her right to tell me what I was doing wrong and tried to get involved in my life,
She got short shrift.

Sounds like Mrs Bucket and her poor long suffering neighbour, hiding in your own home.
Think about what you do want from your neighbour (probably nothing after the racist comments) and think about the best way for you to achieve it.
Is it possible for your husband to speak with her husband if you don't feel up speaking directly ?
If you do decide to speak with her, it might be easier to do it in a neutral place like a local cafe but if it's in her home you can get up and walk out unlike your own home where you might need to take her by the scruff of her neck .
No matter how the conversation starts you could always say 'changing the subject completely' and then say how her comments about your husband are unacceptable and you don't see how you can remain friends with a racist, say you can be neighbourly but not friends.
If you state that it's unacceptable and therefore a deal breaker for you she doesn't have much room for bargaining but if she does, you can just calmly talk over her and say that she didn't leave you with any other option and leave it at that and leave.
If there is no big row or explosion of emotion on your side there is less room for her to change your decision.
Her other behaviour could be for lots of reasons, she may be ill equipped socially, she could be desperately lonely, she could have a real problem with men including her own husband, she could fancy the pants off you, she could just be insensitive and bullying.
It doesn't matter why she is like she is but her racism is unacceptable and that's what I'd focus on.

Good luck and think about how lovely you'll feel to put a stop to her

Tell her to go forth and multiply but in not so many words x

Not sure of the orientation of your houses/gardens, but on the problem of her hanging out of her bedroom window, could you plant a tall tree to obscure her view? I did this in a previous house where a neighbours extension overlooked my garden. I chose a Eucalyptus tree. It has a tall thin trunk with evergreen elongated leaves at the top and did the job of covering the window area perfectly.

Sheilasue When I moved to a new area, someone befriended me, I was glad of her help and advice for a few days as she had moved there a few months previously, but then she turned up on my doorstep every day. Someone else apparently told her she was 'too much' and she was quite bewildered by that and asked my opinion. I gingerly replied 'Well, perhaps going out together once a week would be nice, but I do have other things I need to do'.

ps and she criticised everything in my house

If you really can’t cope with telling her face to face how you feel about this pestering I would suggest writing her a brief, polite note explaining that it’s not a relationship that can work and that you are deeply offended by her comments about your beloved husband. Just tell her clearly without malice. Get someone to put it through her letterbox and you will be free! All the best x

Yorkshire girl is right - just tell her. All this pussyfooting isn't going to work. Pretending to be doing this or that would just delay the outcome.

Put a few words together, and practise saying them until you feel confident. Something like, "Look, I don't mean to sound unkind, so please don't feel bad if I say to you that I just want to be without company for a while. I'll call you when I need you, okay?" Broad smile, and close the door.

I think she's just thick skinned and can't see that she's annoying you.

I endures above comments from GrannieAnnie. Doing nothing not an option. Life us to short to give your time to this problem, be assertive in a kind way.

No messing about. Go in the garden wait for her to hang out the window and just shout up. Sorry im busy "betty" ill give you a knock when i have a minute. If she does it again just repeat process until she gets the hint