30 yr friendship

texting/messaging is notorious for being misconstrued, you cannot tell if a person is upset/angry/happy/joking from a text message. I would wait a while before any further contact

I don’t think she’s coping well with what’s going on in her life. Yes I’d be hurt that she said you piss her off but I would leave it a few days. Then ring her. I wouldn’t let a 30 year friendship go without finding out more. 30 years is a very long time. But I wouldn’t be a pushover either

If she is in constant pain I’m sure she knows all about the painkillers mentioned by Bradfordlass. Many anti inflammatory pills cannot be taken long term - many don’t work long term - many have side effects - I know only too well. I have constant pain and I can tell you it is very difficult to maintain good spirits and positivity- she needs kindness however hard that may be.

During a visit to my home by an old friend my OH was so bad tempered and grumpy (he is usually like this with me but hasn't ever been like it before in front of friends, especially his friends) that she was really upset. She has a lot on her plate with a very ill husband and his attitude really upset her so much so she said she will never visit this house again and since then there has been no contact. I did try explaining that she shouldn't take his grumpy ness personally but she said it made her feel so awkward she won't put herself in that position again.
A few weeks passed and OH asked it I had heard from her. I then told him why. He just said oh! No apology. Nothing mentioned since. I am still upset about the situation but what can I do. Welcome to my world.

I too have had a problem with a friend after 30 years. It will never be the same but we are beginning to pick up the pieces after an awful row in January! I think she is ‘losing’ it and is lashing out and I try to be sympathetic because I might be as well (!) but it still hurts and rankles. Just leave it in her court for some time until she gets in touch possibly? It’s very hard I know x

Yes, odd that you pick on the spelling and grammar.

I think her cutting text has shocked you ninathenana so no wonder - being told by anybody that you ‘piss them off’ must be awful- doubly that the comment came from a longstanding friend.

I had something similar last year. It greatly upset me. Still does if I dwell on it.

I tried ringing her. It went to voicemail.
I tried her landline. It rang out - she’d unplugged it.
I sent an email. No response.

In the end (after several days) I sent a text saying ‘if you meant to hurt my feelings please know you have succeeded. I have tried by various means to contact you. The ball is in your court’

Nada.
After 50+ years of friendship.

Oh it hurts.
?

My error in using a question mark instead of a full stop. It's so easy to write out several sentences, then rewrite but not edit properly before pressing Post, don't you think?

As sad as it sounds, sometimes you just have to admit a friendship has run its course. I had this with a friend of over 20 years. Similar situation in that she had a lot of health issues (I suffer with some myself but just get on with things and not let them rule my life or constantly mention them) and always felt sorry for herself. I felt like I made more effort despite being a busy mum of two and working full time (my friend worked part-time and no kids) and it started to annoy me to be honest. I ended up raising it, but only because I was quite prepared to lose the friendship to be honest, and my friend was quick to write off the friendship, so the feeling must have been mutual. I’m now at a point that if a friendship is draining or too much hard work I’m quite happy to let it go. Life is too short to be pandering after people. My family is my main priority and I keep in touch with those that I value and enjoy the company of. Maybe you want to let this friendship go but feel guilty because of your friend’s health and are reaching out to get approval? If you are getting nothing positive out of this situation maybe just move on. Might sound selfish but sometimes you have to be.

I'm not quite sure why you feel it necessary to say that you would never comment on her spelling and grammar? Could you please explain this?

I agree with GabriellaG - a nice e-card will be the right balance! Whenever I send one, they are much appreciated by the receiver.

Tedber, I was thinking exactly the same about the friend being worried about her memory. That makes my Mum furious when I say, "I did tell you," and she can't remember. I'm beginning to realise that a quick, "Oh dear, I thought I had," makes life a lot less stressful for both of us!

ninathenana, is it possible that you hadn't told your friend but thought you had? Presumably you can check the message you sent her originally. If you have 'evidence' you did, then it would certainly make it more possible that her memory is failing. It might make you feel less angry if you can get a handle on why she is acting this way.

Ultimately, I guess if it comes down to her needing to be the centre of health attention, it depends whether you are happy to continue a friendship which is a bit one-sided. I guess if you have managed for 30 years, you must get something out of the friendship. All relationships are a balance of the good and bad. All the time the balance is more towards the good, it is probably
worth persevering.

Call her or ask to meet for coffee. Texting can be a lousy way to communicate.

I agree with Tedber. She could be becoming forgetful and feel worried and defensive about it. This could be a time to be a compassionate friend.

Perhaps your friend is getting 'forgetful' and it is worrying her? This happened to my mum (and can happen to me too at times) She would 'forget' what she had been told but swear blind she had never been told! I so wish I had never argued with her about it all as now it is so insignificant.

Not knowing what your friend's reply was can't advise how to respond but as you say you are not sure if you want to I am wondering how much you do actually value this friendship? Would you feel better cutting contact or would it upset you? If the latter I would just carry on speaking as normal and not even raise the subject again. think to yourself that she maybe does have problems that are affecting her rational thinking?

Let it be a while. You don't know what stress she under.

Oh dear so much can go wrong in the written words something that can seem perfect to the sender can take on an enormity to the recipient or maybe she d just had a row with the milkman or been in extra pain that day
Let it go as the song says, 30 years friendship is a lot to lose
Give her the benefit of the doubt obviously if pickiness and grumps keep on rethink but not over just that

kittylestr very perceptive of you.

If her family is disabled and she is in pain, she is obviously used to the OP being kind and sympathetic and is using her situation to make sure she continues.

Now, when she perceives ninathenana is being critical (rightly or wrongly) she's spat the dummy.

I would find it hard to stay friends for 30 years with someone who was constantly telling me 'every day is a bad day when you are in pain' without telling them about Panadol, codeine, anti-inflammatories and gratitude.

Perhaps a phone call rather than text?
Sometimes tone in an email or text can be misconstrued.

Maybe give her a day or two then call to talk over a cup of tea.

ninathenana
Justva thought...why not send an e-card? You can get ones suitable for any occasion and they can be viewed many times. Some have music and animation. Most are free online.

insightful

kitty that's very inciteful. DH and DD said the same, and they know what she can be like.

She is, maybe, concerned that she might not be centre of attention for a while.

Your plan to leave it seems sensible.

I think you are right to leave it for a while. Whilst people seem reluctant to phone each other now in case it is the wrong moment I suppose a text can also turn up at just the wrong time. Texts are notoriously bad for delicate or emotional messages. I hope everything settles down with such a long friendship.

She has a lot of health problems and her, her daughter and husband are all registered disabled for different reasons. I've always asked about her and her families health. She often says that "every day is a bad day when you have the pain I have" Sometimes I've really not known what to say to her in that regard but just send a ((hug))
I'm going to leave it a while and calm down.