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AIBU

30 yr friendship

(55 Posts)
ninathenana Tue 09-Jul-19 15:59:21

We only see each other 2-3 times a year since she moved out of area but we text a couple of times a week.
I text her today to update her on something happening to me. She told me I hadn't said anything. I replied that I had.
She then text that I was always picking her up on things and that I am not perfect and she could pick me up on things but dosen't.
How is politely reminding her that I'd told her picking on her ? As it happens I have never commented on her awful spelling and grammar, nor would I, she was my friend.
She said "I really pisses her off" when I do it. To say I'm gobsmacked is an understatement.
I finished my text with "it's a shame, but that's how you feel. We'll leave it there" not expecting a reply. She has replied and I don't know how or whether to respond. I'm hurt and angry.

M0nica Tue 09-Jul-19 16:20:30

I think my first reaction would be to wonder why she has suddenly become so picky and difficult. There may be something going on in her life that has left her on edge, stressed and upset.

I also feel with a long friendship, like marriage it becomes closer or at times more distant and it is worth riding out the bad times for the return to normality.

I would just let it rest for a while and see what happens and then contact her again yourself in a months time. Act as if this recent exchange had never happened and see what happens.

I would never throw a long friendship away over a couple of months when it goes wrong.

Nannarose Tue 09-Jul-19 16:25:48

I too would let this pass for the moment.
I have a wonderful friend of almost 50 years standing. about 10 years ago, we both made the decision to leave the area we had lived in for 40 years and return to our home turf - and that sadly put our friendship on a different footing as we are now 4 hours drive away from each other. About a couple of years ago, we had a slightly 'tetchy' visit that upset both of us, but slowly and gradually we rebuilt.

fourormore Tue 09-Jul-19 16:26:02

Shame after a 30yr friendship. you didn't say how her last reply sounded but would it be appropriate for you to reply that it sounds like she is having a bad day, is there anything you can do to help or would she rather be left alone for a while? You can always contact her then in a couple of weeks if you haven't heard just to ask if she is ok. If she is again nasty then perhaps withdraw and await contact from her?
Good luck - it hurts when this happens I know flowers

EllanVannin Tue 09-Jul-19 16:40:50

Sounds as though your friend's not well ?

ninathenana Tue 09-Jul-19 16:43:45

She has a lot of health problems and her, her daughter and husband are all registered disabled for different reasons. I've always asked about her and her families health. She often says that "every day is a bad day when you have the pain I have" Sometimes I've really not known what to say to her in that regard but just send a ((hug))
I'm going to leave it a while and calm down.

luluaugust Tue 09-Jul-19 16:50:56

I think you are right to leave it for a while. Whilst people seem reluctant to phone each other now in case it is the wrong moment I suppose a text can also turn up at just the wrong time. Texts are notoriously bad for delicate or emotional messages. I hope everything settles down with such a long friendship.

kittylester Tue 09-Jul-19 16:51:43

She is, maybe, concerned that she might not be centre of attention for a while.

Your plan to leave it seems sensible.

ninathenana Tue 09-Jul-19 17:09:22

kitty that's very inciteful. DH and DD said the same, and they know what she can be like.

ninathenana Tue 09-Jul-19 17:12:15

insightful

GabriellaG54 Tue 09-Jul-19 19:42:08

ninathenana
Justva thought...why not send an e-card? You can get ones suitable for any occasion and they can be viewed many times. Some have music and animation. Most are free online.

CanadianGran Tue 09-Jul-19 19:48:02

Perhaps a phone call rather than text?
Sometimes tone in an email or text can be misconstrued.

Maybe give her a day or two then call to talk over a cup of tea.

BradfordLass72 Wed 10-Jul-19 06:30:06

kittylestr very perceptive of you.

If her family is disabled and she is in pain, she is obviously used to the OP being kind and sympathetic and is using her situation to make sure she continues.

Now, when she perceives ninathenana is being critical (rightly or wrongly) she's spat the dummy.

I would find it hard to stay friends for 30 years with someone who was constantly telling me 'every day is a bad day when you are in pain' without telling them about Panadol, codeine, anti-inflammatories and gratitude.

BlueBelle Wed 10-Jul-19 07:06:02

Oh dear so much can go wrong in the written words something that can seem perfect to the sender can take on an enormity to the recipient or maybe she d just had a row with the milkman or been in extra pain that day
Let it go as the song says, 30 years friendship is a lot to lose
Give her the benefit of the doubt obviously if pickiness and grumps keep on rethink but not over just that

Peonyrose Wed 10-Jul-19 07:13:26

Let it be a while. You don't know what stress she under.

Tedber Wed 10-Jul-19 10:26:32

Perhaps your friend is getting 'forgetful' and it is worrying her? This happened to my mum (and can happen to me too at times) She would 'forget' what she had been told but swear blind she had never been told! I so wish I had never argued with her about it all as now it is so insignificant.

Not knowing what your friend's reply was can't advise how to respond but as you say you are not sure if you want to I am wondering how much you do actually value this friendship? Would you feel better cutting contact or would it upset you? If the latter I would just carry on speaking as normal and not even raise the subject again. think to yourself that she maybe does have problems that are affecting her rational thinking?

Stella14 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:34:57

I agree with Tedber. She could be becoming forgetful and feel worried and defensive about it. This could be a time to be a compassionate friend.

Mcrc Wed 10-Jul-19 11:45:02

Call her or ask to meet for coffee. Texting can be a lousy way to communicate.

icanhandthemback Wed 10-Jul-19 11:50:22

Tedber, I was thinking exactly the same about the friend being worried about her memory. That makes my Mum furious when I say, "I did tell you," and she can't remember. I'm beginning to realise that a quick, "Oh dear, I thought I had," makes life a lot less stressful for both of us!

ninathenana, is it possible that you hadn't told your friend but thought you had? Presumably you can check the message you sent her originally. If you have 'evidence' you did, then it would certainly make it more possible that her memory is failing. It might make you feel less angry if you can get a handle on why she is acting this way.

Ultimately, I guess if it comes down to her needing to be the centre of health attention, it depends whether you are happy to continue a friendship which is a bit one-sided. I guess if you have managed for 30 years, you must get something out of the friendship. All relationships are a balance of the good and bad. All the time the balance is more towards the good, it is probably
worth persevering.

Glammy57 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:50:55

I agree with GabriellaG - a nice e-card will be the right balance! Whenever I send one, they are much appreciated by the receiver.

Lock Wed 10-Jul-19 11:55:03

I'm not quite sure why you feel it necessary to say that you would never comment on her spelling and grammar? Could you please explain this?

Sb74 Wed 10-Jul-19 11:57:04

As sad as it sounds, sometimes you just have to admit a friendship has run its course. I had this with a friend of over 20 years. Similar situation in that she had a lot of health issues (I suffer with some myself but just get on with things and not let them rule my life or constantly mention them) and always felt sorry for herself. I felt like I made more effort despite being a busy mum of two and working full time (my friend worked part-time and no kids) and it started to annoy me to be honest. I ended up raising it, but only because I was quite prepared to lose the friendship to be honest, and my friend was quick to write off the friendship, so the feeling must have been mutual. I’m now at a point that if a friendship is draining or too much hard work I’m quite happy to let it go. Life is too short to be pandering after people. My family is my main priority and I keep in touch with those that I value and enjoy the company of. Maybe you want to let this friendship go but feel guilty because of your friend’s health and are reaching out to get approval? If you are getting nothing positive out of this situation maybe just move on. Might sound selfish but sometimes you have to be.

Lock Wed 10-Jul-19 11:59:00

My error in using a question mark instead of a full stop. It's so easy to write out several sentences, then rewrite but not edit properly before pressing Post, don't you think?

Urmstongran Wed 10-Jul-19 12:03:22

I think her cutting text has shocked you ninathenana so no wonder - being told by anybody that you ‘piss them off’ must be awful- doubly that the comment came from a longstanding friend.

I had something similar last year. It greatly upset me. Still does if I dwell on it.

I tried ringing her. It went to voicemail.
I tried her landline. It rang out - she’d unplugged it.
I sent an email. No response.

In the end (after several days) I sent a text saying ‘if you meant to hurt my feelings please know you have succeeded. I have tried by various means to contact you. The ball is in your court’

Nada.
After 50+ years of friendship.

Oh it hurts.
😢

Minshy Wed 10-Jul-19 12:11:01

Yes, odd that you pick on the spelling and grammar.