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I,m in turmoil

(44 Posts)
bev707 Thu 11-Jul-19 11:16:15

Hi everyone,I,m a newbie at all this but my mind is in a mess. My married 48 yr old son hasn’t,t had a ‘proper job’ for years.Hes very intelligent, makes websites etc and has spent years ‘chasing the dream’ business that will make him millions. But he’s been let down financially so many times by investors. His long suffering wife has had to work full time for years. His uncle gave them a very large sum of money last year,thinking they would invest some.Its all gone on everyday bills.I,ve helped him,without his wife knowing over the years and he owes my husband money. This morning he was on the phone again asking for money,apparently someone will invest at the end of August.All pie in the sky,I really don’t know what to do.

glammanana Thu 11-Jul-19 11:26:45

As much as you want to help him achieve his dreams you know this is a pipe dream of his, his ideas may be very good indeed and he be very good at what he does but some people just can't make it work and he seems to be one of those people unfortunatly.
I personally would not put more money into his ideas and tell him to get him self a job which takes some pressure of his wife surely any job that will bring money into the household would be a good idea.
I feel sorry for your DIL he will not change unless she tells him she will not tolerate this kind of life the sooner he realises that any job is "noble" the better for them both.

MissAdventure Thu 11-Jul-19 11:28:01

I think, at 48, it might be time for him to face reality.
Whilst his loved ones are enabling him to live in cloud cuckoo land he has no need to worry.
Time for him to stand on his own two feet, I think.
I'm surprised his wife has stuck around, to be honest.

EllanVannin Thu 11-Jul-19 11:33:16

The classic signs of a fanticist I'm afraid. It does come under the mental health issues and he should have sought help a long time ago. It sounds like some kind of addiction too which needs looking into.

We all know that there are no quick fixes to becoming mega-rich, whatever pipe-dreams we have,that's all they are and a " proper job " beckons.

I wouldn't continue funding a grown adult in this way at all as you're going to find yourself in the red and ill with worry.

Has he ever looked for employment ? Perhaps along the line of what interests him regarding investments, though banking jobs are now unfortunately thin on the ground.

Urmstongran Thu 11-Jul-19 11:34:47

Oh bless you.
I think you do know what to do, deep down.
Good luck.

jenpax Thu 11-Jul-19 11:37:56

Tough love I am afraid is called for here. He needs to make things work without constant propping up from you or he will never be truly independent and at 48 that’s a worry!

suziewoozie Thu 11-Jul-19 11:53:40

Yes you do know what to do, don’t you? Just stop. I also think it’s a pity that you’ve secretly given him money behind his wife’s back - as you say, his wife has worked full time for years but your behaviour means she is being deliberately misled as to the seriousness of their financial position. That’s a mean way to treat someone who from what you say has stood by your son. You’ve done your son no favours at all and at 48, my guess is he’s beyond hope and you bear some responsibility for this.

sodapop Thu 11-Jul-19 12:27:00

Don't want to seem harsh bev707 but I agree with suziewoozie You have done your son no favours at all. I think you have been unfair to your daughter in law as well in enabling his behaviour.

Glammy57 Thu 11-Jul-19 12:49:14

I agree with suziewoozie and sodapop. Please stop financing this man-child!

stella1949 Thu 11-Jul-19 13:04:02

Nearly 50 and still chasing rainbows while everyone else finances him. He obviously isn't a person who should work for himself - a job in IT would have been more reasonable for someone with a family . To be honest, website designers are a dime a dozen and it's easy to design your own these days. My son made his own website in two hours using a good web design app.

You've been propping him up for years - stop now before you make it worse.

You say "you don't know what to do" . What you do is, you say "sorry I can't help you any more".

Sara65 Thu 11-Jul-19 13:18:20

To be honest, I think he’s lucky to still be married!

As said previously, tough love required

Septimia Thu 11-Jul-19 13:19:20

Perhaps you do need to tell him to get a job - suggesting that he'd be able to put some of the money towards his dreams (if his wife gives him the chance!) might give him an incentive. Like the others, I think you've given him enough and it's time he faced reality.

ElaineI Thu 11-Jul-19 14:06:43

I think it would be prudent to arrange a family meeting with his wife and your DH present and be completely honest about all the money he has been given. He may well have an addiction of some kind - to lose this much so quickly gambling might be a suggestion. Try to find out where the money has gone - with bank statements etc and formulate a plan of how to begin managing their finances, pay back debts and get out of this mess. DD went to Christians Against Poverty and they are helping her regain control after her **** ex left her in debt with a new baby. Gradually debts have been repaid and others well on the way and threatened court action stopped after CAP put a plan in place and now we are emerging from a black cloud after over a year. It will take currently 7 years to be debt free though that could shorten. There are lots of debt repayment schemes and help to organise bills. The Scottish Government has one which was another option. Don't know about rest of UK but possibly similar. However the person must face up to it and be completely honest about all the debts for it to work. And yes he needs to get a job - any job.

quizqueen Thu 11-Jul-19 14:18:06

He needs to get a proper job, support his family himself, repay his debts and follow his business dream in the evenings and at weekends, in his own time, if necessary, but I think you really know all that already.

M0nica Thu 11-Jul-19 15:44:50

Turn the money tap off now. The reason your son has been able to indulge in these fantasies and avoid knuckling down to a proper job is because you and his wife have paid him to do nothing. How many people would work if they could stay at home being paid to do nothing but live in cloud cuckoo land?

I read a novel recently, which featured a similar character and when someone turned him down the femal relative whailed, 'What will happen to him now? He will starve. The response was that 'A short course of starvation would do him good'

This is my response to this conversation. Stop giving him money, let him face up to his debts and the need for im to pay them with money he has earned. His wife should also do the same.

By the way, he hasn't been let down so often by investors, they have either investigated his plans and decided they were not any good, so declined to support him, or they are part of his fantasy, fictional investors, who he met in a pub and who said polite things about his plans and bought him a pint.

wildswan16 Thu 11-Jul-19 15:50:13

Stop bailing him out. Other people (his so called investors) have realised that he hasn't got the skills required to make a go of a business.

Tell him to get a job and start taking care of his responsibilities. He is using you, and using his wife. She must have the patience of a saint.

bev707 Thu 11-Jul-19 16:33:46

Thanks everyone for advice. His father my ex was the same,big dreamer.BUT he had a job,we had a good life and were never in debt. My son says he does look for jobs online, he’s never been to the Job Centre but he’s too experienced for them. I,ve told him many times just to get any job to pay the bills. I too am surprised his wife hasn’t left,she’s permanently tired. I think I already knew the answer but yes it’s time for me to stop being used, for him to grow up and support his family.

paddyann Thu 11-Jul-19 16:59:21

I f he hasn't worked for years how is he "too experienced" for the job centre? Skills have to be kept up to date especially in tech where things move at an alarming pace.Maybe he should go to the job centre and have them assess exactly where his skills lie ...then they MIGHT find him a job

petra Thu 11-Jul-19 17:18:50

I think your big problem now, is, your son is very unlikely to get a job in IT at his age. Added to that he hardly has a glowing CV, has he?

MawBroonsback Thu 11-Jul-19 17:23:06

I wonder how much of a disservice you have been doing your son by making excuses for him and bailing him out, albeit out of the best maternal motives.
It sounds as if he is not the only person to have an inflated idea of his eligibility for a job - hence the grandiose schemes perhaps.
People with web experience do need to keep up to date and in contact with the relevant people. Nothing dates quite so quickly as “modern “technology . It is a world of the young.
Regarding his finances, though please take action ASAP
You and your H, your son and his wife need to sit down together, but most importantly you and your H need to be on the same page.

Daisymae Thu 11-Jul-19 18:00:44

I think that if you can't make a business pay part time then there's not much chance that it will pay part time. He needs a job, as you have come to conclude yourself. Doesn't have to be any thing special, just one that pays. Most jobs are online though, so he is probably right about the job centre.

Daisymae Thu 11-Jul-19 18:01:27

That should be full time.

M0nica Thu 11-Jul-19 19:36:34

Precisely what job experience does he thinks he has that makes im beyond the capability of a job centre to deal with.
20 plus years of sitting at home playing with a computer.

The problem is he doesn't have any of the job experience a 48 year old would be expected to have; a track record as an employee, no record of being a good time keeper, steady worker, good work colleague, low absenteeism. All he has is 20 years sitting at a computer.

The place he needs is the Job Centre . With his history, he will need all kinds of training to get him ready for the work place. The kind they give 15 year old school drop outs.

In the meanwhile, while his wife, may be happy to continue to provide a roof over his head and food in his belly, neither of you should give him a penny for personal expenditure. When he has no money to pay off his credit card and the bailiff is knocking on the door and removing all his computer equipment, perhaps then he will wake up and realise he needs to take a job, any job.

Has he ever paid National Insurance? He is going to find himself penniless in his old age, if he hasn't.

petra Thu 11-Jul-19 19:44:51

I don't think the kidult and his support team have thought of that one (NI contributions)

Peonyrose Thu 11-Jul-19 21:14:15

Just say no, the money's run out, he can find a job, people come into the country not soaking English and find work. He can't be choosy.? Let them manage and do not enable the sponging. You haven't helped him.