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AIBU

'Lodgers' moving back home

(52 Posts)
Marmight Mon 15-Jul-19 09:37:28

DD, SiL & 2 dgs moved in with me lock stock & barrel 12 weeks ago while having work carried out on their house which is a 10 minute walk away. All a bit of a tight squeeze, noisy & messy but we all got on fine and I was available most of the time for childcare etc. SiL worked from my dining table 2/3x a week which wasn't part of the agreement, but hey ho, I put up with it even though I didn't feel I had my space during that time. I knew that all this would soon end and was dreading being alone again even though I was looking forward to regaining my house. I went away on Saturday for the night and when I returned last night, they had gone, just like that... Their 'stuff' is still here and the place is a tip. DD will be here this afternoon to start taking it away.
After all this time with constant company, I am feeling bereft..they are so excited to be going home, rightly so, and I am so unhappy to be alone again. Apart from the sheep baaing in the field next door, the place is like a morgue. Since DH died I have hated being on my own. I just feel like howling. AIBU

Tedber Wed 17-Jul-19 16:42:04

Marmite it sounds like you live in a very isolated house "sheep baahing in field" and not much more?

Have you considered moving? Don't know where you live but around me there are lots of sheltered houses. By sheltered I mean...own living accommodation but with communal areas where residents meet as and when they choose?

I am not in that position yet so not looked into it but I know I do love my own company very much. Sometimes I don't feel I get enough of it sad Then I wonder what I would feel like if I were completely alone? Who knows?

I hate the thought of people feeling lonely though so am sympathetic to you. Hope you adjust again soon xxx

Shizam Wed 17-Jul-19 00:24:01

I find the shift from getting used to being on my own to all of a sudden offspring/girlfriend etc staying here difficult. Get myself sorted with my own life, then have to adjust to an influx. Then they’re gone again...

ineedamum Tue 16-Jul-19 20:46:52

I'm not very good with words but I wish I could give you a hug.

I remember Ester Rantzen saying "she has plenty of people to do things with, but nobody to do nothing with" which sounds like your situation.

My eldest has moved out and I see him maybe once every two months- I still cry when he leaves even though he hasn't lived here for 6 years and I'd probably find it difficult if he lived here !

Twig14 Tue 16-Jul-19 09:04:36

Dear Marmight
I have spent the last 23 years visiting family who work in Tokyo. I have experienced a few earthquakes during that time not a nice experience and Japan very vulnerable. The worse time was when the Fukushima incident happened it was horrendously worrying my DS sent his wife n tiny baby to Singapore. I rang the Foreign Office here in the UK and was told to get my DS out ASAP. as the infrastructure was breaking down. My DL stayed in Singapore 3 months with the new baby as concerns about radiation was a worry. My DS went back which concerned me. Nobody speaks about it in Tokyo now and I believe it’s banned in the press there in fact I took out UK newspapers to them when I joined then in Singapore to show them what was happening!!! . It’s a massive concern I know how you feel. Try not to think bout it too much if you can. I know what you are going through at least they are safe

janeainsworth Tue 16-Jul-19 08:58:10

Oh gosh marmight that’s scary! I hope they are ok x

Twig14 Tue 16-Jul-19 08:53:10

I can imagine how you feel. My Ds n DL along with GC arrive 1st August from Tokyo where my DS works I havnt seen them for a year. I too will be sad when they leave it’s tough believe me. However my DD will be with me mid August till early Sept before she flies to meet her DH in Dubai where they work. It’s not easy and I feel I have spent my life waving them off. I’m fortunate I still have my two 99 year old parents who live independently and are quite amazing. Along with my sister I look after them as much as am able too. I look on things now that the world is a global village and with FaceTime n texts we can keep in touch. Cheer up try to enjoy seeing them when you can you are a very fortunate lady having them live just 10 mins away from you.

Marmight Tue 16-Jul-19 08:05:49

Just woken up to hear that my Aussie daughter & her family in Bali have had an earthquake, 6.2 meg, so now I have something else to worry about! They are ok, but had to run....tsunami possibility. This has concentrated the mind somewhat on 'Day 1 Alone' !!

gmarie Tue 16-Jul-19 04:52:57

I also live alone and really enjoy when one of my sons, (or both, or both with the wife and girlfriend) come for an extended visit. I have my dog and cats to keep me company but having conversations and laughter in the house is soooo nice. It always feels like an empty, echoing shell when they leave so I always have a fun movie or TV series queued up to watch as soon as I click the lock on the door (AND some potato chips or chocolate grin).

I've also been alone since my youngest moved out in 2010 and, before that, I'd been divorced since 2000. It's actually the first time I've ever been alone without family or a roommate and there are the pros and cons of that, of course.

I found Gransnet one evening after Googling "lonely at night". I've recently been painting the interior of my home and doing a lot of cleaning and sorting in the process. Lots of my mom's and grandmother's belongings and well as my sons' and former students' keepsakes to sort through. I think that's caused me to be a bit more nostalgic and sad than I normally am.

Last night, I found this old set of notebooks that my ex and I wrote in after attending a Marriage Encounter thing back right after I'd had my first son. We were supposed to pick a prompt and write a letter to one another about the topic a few times a week and this one was about how we felt about growing older! I actually snickered to myself reading it given that almost all of the things I wrote about have come to pass! And I laughed out loud at the part about being 5 years past 30!

crazyH Tue 16-Jul-19 00:46:10

Over the years, I have had many friends and relatives stay with me , one, for over 3 months. It doesn't matter how long they stay, it's always the same when they leave.....emptiness. For the past week, my pal from India has been staying with me. Tomorrow,she is leaving to visit the rest of her friends. I'm dreading tomorrow

Alexa Tue 16-Jul-19 00:13:44

Marmite, maybe you don't like to be solitary. Some do some don't. I like solitude very much. A late friend of mine who could not endure solitude joined a (carefully selected) church for the purpose of getting some company, and this was a success for her.

Minniemoo Mon 15-Jul-19 23:19:06

I do have a wonderful husband and family nearby so am lucky. I have friends who are alone in their 50s. The loneliness is real and as you say it's the simple things. Pottering in the garden together, bickering as to what to watch on TV, wandering around stately homes or picnics on the beach. I have a dog who I absolutely adore. Maybe you could consider one. If your family are nearby could they pet sit for you? I find the love of a dog totally remarkable. My youngest daughter flew the nest last year and I took it ever so badly. Many a day wailing with my lovely little dog just sat on my knee, making sure I eventually calmed down. She's my shining light. My hubby always says I'd rather lose him than her ... joking of course smile

nanny2507 Mon 15-Jul-19 22:42:24

readymeals one sided chats with pets?. Your pets must be very rude...mine agree with me in every chat we have...maybe you need a new pet? or remind your current one what you have done for them grin grin

Elderlyfirsttimegran Mon 15-Jul-19 22:29:47

Marmight, what a horrid ending for you. I had my DD,s-in-l and 2 tiny children here for 16 months. They eventually moved to a house 10 mins. from me. It was awful when they went and I could hardly be bothered to get up in the morning. Like you, I am widowed and it has been a real challenge to get myself moving forward again. Unfortunately they’ve left piles of stuff in their wardrobe and garage which they keep saying they’ll move..... if you have things that you used to do and that interest you then try to get back into doing them. It’s so important to get out and try to meet people. I found the worst things have been shopping, washing, ironing and mess! The house isn’t messy any more, the washing machine isn’t going every day, the ironing isn’t piling up and my fridge is pretty empty most of the time.

Marmight Mon 15-Jul-19 22:13:22

Thanks kitty. Bang on. Just feeling a bit pathetic. A paying lodger is the last thing on my mind shock Anyway. I only have one bathroom! But thanks for all the kindly meant suggestions. Tomorrow is another day and no doubt all will be back on an even'ish keel. Good night all 😴

kittylester Mon 15-Jul-19 21:29:29

I dont really think that marmight wanted solutions so much as to tell us how she felt.

Onestepbeyond Mon 15-Jul-19 20:42:48

It is not about the ungrateful lot

this is about you having company^^

Onestepbeyond Mon 15-Jul-19 20:41:25

@Marmight - flowers

Rent a room out on weekends

get a lodger perm

go on air BnB or

rent a room BnB

earn abit of dosh while having company flowers
we are a looong time dead

janeainsworth Mon 15-Jul-19 17:34:38

Marmight the mother of a friend of mine used to say ‘It’s nice to see the family, and it’s nice to see them go...’
But it’s not really, is it?
Have some wine and something nice to eat and find something good to watch on Netflix.
And maybe invite them round for Sunday lunch next weekend.
I wish you still lived nearer and it was easier to organise a meet-up flowers

Mindfogmummy Mon 15-Jul-19 17:26:54

Marmite you sound like such a lovely and interesting lady. Do you vocalise to your DD’s how lonely you feel? Sorry to hijack, i’m just interested because my own MIL is widdowed, and she has mentioned to my mum that she is lonely but never ever invites us round, suggests doing something together or even offer to help with the kids. I find it so strange, I always make any arrangements to get together with DC but would definitely see her a lot more often if she would only reciprocate 🤷‍♀️

trendygran Mon 15-Jul-19 17:08:02

I know exactly how you feel about friends going away on holiday ,or out for various trips ,with their spouses. It’s very hard to see couples together sharing experiences which, can no,longer happen when alone.
You are lucky to have a holiday with your family. Mine are going to Canada .No question of me going with them ,even after 15 years of longing to visit there again.

trendygran Mon 15-Jul-19 16:57:13

I still hate living on my own 10years and 9months since my DHdied. My DD,SIL and 2. GCs live a five minute walk away, but I rarely see them because they are too busy juggling work ( both nurses) and school etc. My other GCs live 300miles away.
I keep as busy as possible and have several good female friends,but would love some male company at times.

BearandCardigan Mon 15-Jul-19 16:04:43

I would tell them. Say you loved having their company and the house feels so empty now. Would they like to pop over for lunch every now and then, or you could go to theirs? They probably felt a burden and so went as soon as they could.

EllanVannin Mon 15-Jul-19 13:57:27

I knew how it felt many a time when I used to have a house full, but the silence when they were all gone was awful. I used to wander around the house with my thoughts and I just didn't know what to do with myself. A horrible feeling of loss and emptiness and it took me some time to gather myself together.

I had a wonderful friend at the time and was soon back in a routine with her help getting out and about. Sadly she's no longer here either-----a great loss indeed. Life goes on albeit at a different pace and from a different perspective.

Marmight Mon 15-Jul-19 13:03:45

Far safer in control of the trolley than filling it up with 'useful' items like yet another pack of rawl plugs or a job lot of salt & vinegar crisps! 😝grin

Gonegirl Mon 15-Jul-19 12:58:53

Marmight I would never allow my husband to push a trolley round a supermarket with me. It would be horrendous. (I like to wander) shock