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AIBU

'Lodgers' moving back home

(51 Posts)
Marmight Mon 15-Jul-19 09:37:28

DD, SiL & 2 dgs moved in with me lock stock & barrel 12 weeks ago while having work carried out on their house which is a 10 minute walk away. All a bit of a tight squeeze, noisy & messy but we all got on fine and I was available most of the time for childcare etc. SiL worked from my dining table 2/3x a week which wasn't part of the agreement, but hey ho, I put up with it even though I didn't feel I had my space during that time. I knew that all this would soon end and was dreading being alone again even though I was looking forward to regaining my house. I went away on Saturday for the night and when I returned last night, they had gone, just like that... Their 'stuff' is still here and the place is a tip. DD will be here this afternoon to start taking it away.
After all this time with constant company, I am feeling bereft..they are so excited to be going home, rightly so, and I am so unhappy to be alone again. Apart from the sheep baaing in the field next door, the place is like a morgue. Since DH died I have hated being on my own. I just feel like howling. AIBU

Jane10 Mon 15-Jul-19 09:41:17

Oh Marmight! Sorry to hear this. It's entirely understandable. Do you maybe have something on the horizon to look forward to? Maybe another trip to Oz? If not, time for a trip to your old haunts up here? I'm sure a GN session could be arranged...

Auntieflo Mon 15-Jul-19 09:42:06

Marmight flowers.
I do hope she is coming to help you clear up, as well as take the remains of their ‘stuff’.
Come and chat on here for a bit of company. I know it’s not the same, but it helps.

JaneA Mon 15-Jul-19 09:53:43

I wish my family lived only a 10 minute walk away!

Gonegirl Mon 15-Jul-19 10:05:33

You are not being unreasonable. They should have cleared up and left your home neat and tidy. A bunch of flowers or a box of chocolates as a thank you would have been good.

Having said that, if I was you I would be actually howling. But you will get used to their being gone quite quickly. It's the first day or two that is usually bad.

I hope you get invited to a nice Sunday dinner at theirs very soon. flowers

kittylester Mon 15-Jul-19 10:08:33

Marmight, been there and done that a few times as you might have gathered. I have been so relieved when they have gone (especially the one who made wedding cakes in MY kitchen) but I still have DH. The peace is wonderful and the mess mostly non existent but you must miss them.

We have a really good relationship with all our DGC but especially the ones who have lived with us and they are very much at home here. Are the children old enough to 'pop' round after school?

I'd echo Jane's post - especially regarding coming on here - it's not the same but it might fill a small gap. I know that you have joined classes etc - are you still doing that? September and the new term are not far away.

Callistemon Mon 15-Jul-19 10:41:35

How lovely to have them a ten minute walk away though!
The DGC will be excited to settle in their newly renovated bedrooms but they'll probably be back again to untidy your place before you have time to relax, especially as school summer holidays are nearly here!
Are you planning another trip too?

jaylucy Mon 15-Jul-19 10:51:56

How rude of them to do it this way - wouldn't have taken 5 minutes for at least one of them to have said, before you were away that it was all finished so they may move out while you were away!
Certainly hope DD and SiL will be back to help you clear up and that you don't get landed with all the junk they don't want and it would be nice if they could do something like decorate a room for you, at the very least take you out for Sunday lunch as a thank you!
The good thing is that they only live a short way away from you, not the other end of the country so you will hopefully see a fair bit of each other.
As for being alone - have you ever thought of taking in a lodger? If you are any where near a uni or college, they are often looking for home from homes for overseas students that will have been fully checked out for you

grannygranby Mon 15-Jul-19 10:52:21

You sound like a lovely mum. Well done you. Why don’t you get your own dog? They are lovely companions and I’m sure they’d look after your dog when you want to go away etc. And you meet so many lovely people, they are so grateful and funny and lovable. smile

razzmatazz Mon 15-Jul-19 10:52:38

I think they had every intentional of coming back to clear up and take their stuff. I am sure the flowers are forthcoming too. They were excited to see their ''new" house so from that point of view it is a bit unreasonable. Also, you knew it was only short term BUT I can understand you are feeling lonely after the hustle and bustle. 10 minute walk away is fabulous . You don't even have to get the car out.

BradfordLass72 Mon 15-Jul-19 10:53:51

My darling son lived with me for 4 months after he came back from a spell working in the USA.
We have always got on very well, so every day was one of laughter, discussions on every subject under the sun and he's the sort of man who doesn't need to be asked to cook, wash up, do laundry etc. So no conflict of any kind.

I like living alone but when he found an apartment and moved out, I felt just like you Marmite - utterly bereft.
Also, for some strange reason, I didn't feel safe in the house.

But over the next month, it wore off and I'm now the old loner again.

Of course I don't have the extra sadness of recently losing my DH.

All I can suggest, if you are mobile, is to go out and about, or have friends in for coffee and chat.

And you will know that you did something really special for your family, inviting them and being so hospitable.

The fact that it all went smoothly is a real testament to your kindness and love. flowers

Davida1968 Mon 15-Jul-19 10:56:33

I agree with Jane A! Marmight, as soon as they are settled in, probably you will see them regularly? Hold on to that - how lovely for you to have them so close at hand...

Aepgirl Mon 15-Jul-19 11:01:07

I really understand how you feel, Marmight. My daughter, son-in-law and grandson live only 15 minutes’ drive away, and occasionally stay for a couple of nights for various reasons. I just love it while they are here, even though it can be chaotic in such a small house and they are all really untidy, and how I hate it when they’ve gone. The longest they have stayed is 2 weeks when their boiler broke down. I felt so happy having a family to cook for and enjoyed my meals so much more. Being alone is not something I ever looked forward to, but it happened .......

ReadyMeals Mon 15-Jul-19 11:06:51

Wait for a few months and if you still feel really alone after all that time consider taking a house-sharer. Maybe another person in your same situation but minus their own house. People always suggest a dog, but I've always found conversations with pets a little one-sided.

grizzlybear27 Mon 15-Jul-19 11:11:42

My son lives 200yards away, and I still don't hear from him, from 1 month to next. I feel for you. I do have a dear husband, but he works in city, and travels a lot. Very lonely.

Hal49 Mon 15-Jul-19 11:21:32

Oh bless you, I too understand how lonely it can feel.

I lost my DH 3 years ago and my goodness I could never have envisaged that my life could be so empty!

Like you, I’m so very lucky that my DD lives just 10mins away and I have my two wonderful GC. I love seeing them, looking after the children, cooking meals etc, but I dread the thought of them leaving, as the house is so quiet and I’m alone yet again!

You sound a caring, patient and wonderful mum having them share your home, and yes I’d be left feeling disappointed and bereft too under the circumstances!

Maybe pay them a visit to admire the work that’s been carried out and tell them how much you’re missing their company.

Can you meet with a friend for a coffee or invite them to yours. A walk if possible may also help. Just try to keep yourself busy with other things and hopefully you will feel much better within the next few days.

Thinking of you 💐

Candelle Mon 15-Jul-19 11:31:34

I have few wise words of wisdom, except that you will slowly feel better. It seems as if the suddenness of their departure has almost put you into shock.

I just wanted to send a virtual hug - you sound very low.

Things will seem better soon, sending flowers.

Jumbo1 Mon 15-Jul-19 11:32:13

Don’t howl for long. Pick yourself up and volunteer at your local library. Many are now run entirely by volunteers.
I joined up two years ago and have loved every minute. Made great new friends and getting to know lovely local people coming into the library.

loopyloo Mon 15-Jul-19 11:40:32

I think you deserve a medal for coping with all that and you are still all talking to each other!
Sort the house out and then think about having lodgers or paying guests or just visitors.
Or even internet dating!

Grazie Mon 15-Jul-19 11:41:20

My daughter and two grandsons lived with us for about a year and then one day she decided to move 200 miles away and left really suddenly (she had to) but I still cry and am sad even though I see them at school holidays time. I really miss them dreadfully. This was nearly two years ago but life moves and changes all the time and we have to change and accept with it even if we don’t want to but it’s really hard!
Lots of love to you

Sleepygran Mon 15-Jul-19 11:48:30

Put the radio on quite loud ( if you won't disturb the neighbours) a talking programme helps me feel less lonely.
And tidy up to it.
Then go over later and see them in their new home with a home baked cake. Keep busy!

CarlyD7 Mon 15-Jul-19 11:53:17

Some people love living alone and others just never adapt. As others have said, why not consider getting some other "life" in your house - whether that's a dog, or a lodger, or similar. Or even look at the possibility of shared or supported housing? I think it's really important to know yourself and to make a life that fits with that - rather than constantly putting up with a way of life that just doesn't suit you. Life is too short!

EthelJ Mon 15-Jul-19 12:02:57

You are not being unreasonable at all. Have a few days peace and quiet. Catch up on those things you couldn't do when they were around and then invite them all round for dinner!
Actually I hope they invite you round to their house soon and treat you.

BlueBelle Mon 15-Jul-19 12:26:45

I love all my kids, grandkids and relations but I always breathe a sigh of relief when they go home Been on my own 20 plus years and you do get used to it I m the same when I go anywhere myself, always majorly happy to get back to my bolt hole

Marmight Mon 15-Jul-19 12:27:22

Thanks everyone.. DD is grateful for everything & will be back tonight to help clear up!
I do lots of things : 2 art groups, choir, volunteer in a charity shop, read at school, joined the WI & have even ventured on a Solo holiday & visit DD2 in Sydney each year. I am very lucky I can do this . I'd love a dog but not fair when Im away so often. What I miss so much is somebody close to do nothing with. As some of you know, until recently I lived 400 miles from the DDs for years, so like others didn't see much of the family so made the decision to downsize nearer to 2 of them. I'd much prefer to have stayed put in the house and village I loved (with my DH) but life changes. I find coping with constant details of people's fantastic holidays, exciting meals, days out or just pottering in the garden 'a deux', very difficult because for me, and others, those days are past and will never return. I am just very envious/jealous. Seeing couples out together, maybe holding hands, doing simple every day things like pushing the trolley round Tesco, just breaks my heart because it will never happen for me again. I want to say to them, 'treasure every moment with each other for who knows, one day you too may wake up & find your husband/wife dead on the floor'.
I'm just an old misery atm. I've been clearing my late Aunt's house and I think it has stirred up a load of hidden emotions.
On the upside! I'm taking the 2xUK DDs & families to France for a holibob next week and then staying with friends for a few days then planning my next trip to Oz. I've had a blessed life & know & appreciate I am so lucky I am able to do this but no amount of money makes up for the loneliness which descends every so often. I'll stop now. I've run out of tissues 😪