In law issue... childcare

Nonnie; READ THE POSTS BEFORE QUESTIONING MY INTEGRITY.
Well, I think she did!

There's no evidence to suggest that MIL is going to die within the next few months. There is evidence to suggest she is incredibly manipulative and uses her illness to get what she wants.

Is that someone you want around a child?

I would never tolerate a child being abused and certainly would not make light of it. Our children and grandchildren are the most precious things in the world. Your MIL must have been mortified when she found out.

You have not mentioned abuse before on this thread so how are we supposed to know this happened. My advice stays the same. Talk to your DH. I am blessed with two lovely DILs for which I am very thankful. I have no idea why my post would lead you to mention your SILs or that you think I’m on another planet. In fact your reply to me makes no sense at all.

Why did you need to shout at me? I did read all the posts which is what brought me to the conclusion that some of it didn't ring true.

You say that abuse happened when your DH was 7/8 so presumably he was left alone with someone your MiL trusted. However she would not leave a baby alone would she? That simply does not apply. Can you be sure that you won't ever leave your son with a trusted friend? Even a trusted nursery or school? Of course not, yet you blame your MiL for something that was not her fault.

If you come on a thread like this and expect everyone to pat you on the head and agree with you, you must be either very naive or have lived in a bubble. What would be the point of asking for advice if you didn't actually want various viewpoints.

A strong minded person like you would not have simply been talked into buying the wrong house so I wonder if there was a financial element to the purchase which made you feel you had less say in the matter? You must have agreed to it if it is in both names so should simply accept it and not bring it up as an argument against your PiLs.

I find your lack of empathy to a terminally ill person, who you say if a good grandparent, rather harsh. She doesn't have long to live so, for the sake of your husband, surely you can make her last few months pleasant? Do you really want to grow old knowing how you treated a sick person?

Bluebell....Thank you for having more patience than I, and stating kindly and clearly your/my point of view!
Clearly I have mil dil ‘fatigue’

How about one afternoon a week to help with the nursery costs? 4 to 6.30 is fine but not the best time for babies and toddlers as they get crotchety towards bedtime. Your baby is quite young so maybe not yet at that stage. Childminder brings us DGS 16 months at 5.30 two days a week and he is usually a bit cross and hungry and very difficult to prepare tea unless someone else does it - (DH) usually. Then its bath and pyjamas and home to bed. DD gets in about 6 or just after depending on bus so quite rushed. It is easier on the days where we have him all day and we can play in the garden park etc.

I think you may be getting harsh replies from some because you are coming across as pretty strong minded and not very open to advice On a forum like this you will get answers you don’t agree with or like to hear, you will probably get as many answers as there are people

Yes children do get abused in their own homes and the highest proportion of abuse is by known people so that’s is perfectly true, but are you saying your in laws are still friendly with the abusers of your husband ? That seems very strange if your mother in law was visiting the friend that abused him how on earth did the abuse happen while she was there ? Again that seems strange it doesn’t normally happen with the Carer there
Anyway that is all immaterial as if you mother in law is having chemo she won’t be out visiting much I m thinking

4 to 6.30 one or two days a week sounds very fair what has your husband said to that ?

I don’t agree with Goodmama most people can’t afford childcare and need to rely on family and there is nothing wrong with that 9 times out of 10

MaternityLeave, my heart goes out for you dealing with such an awful situation.

My only advice is to listen to your gut. You know what’s best for your LO. Your DH should as well, but sadly he seems more concerned with his mother and sisters feelings and wants.

Stand your ground. Perhaps explain to him how awful it would be to have to “fire” them or end all unsupervised visits should things go badly. That certainly would make Christmas dinner awkward.

That’s the beauty of professional childcare. It’s a professional relationship. If you don’t like the care they provide you remove you LO. No drama, no crying.

This is unpopular on this board, but family as regular childcare is a bad idea. It confuses roles. Just let her be grandma and his sisters be aunts. No need to blur the lines.

Hugs to you.

Thank you Crazy H.

I agree compromise is a good idea here. I did say mil can care for my son between 4.00-6.30 one to two days a week. I am not a monster restricting complete access. It saddens me that grandmas and mils have such strong view and no empathy. Are we to live by your rules just because you loved and raised your children?

Oh Doodle there is no point talking to you as you must be on another planet. You did not read my posts. If you did you would know that i have two sils that will look after my son aswell as MIL.
My dh found himself in a situation where mils “friend” abused him. My MIL did not take him there to be abused. She went to visit a friend she mistakenly trusted. It can happen to anyone. So do not be flippant about abuse just to try and make me look like an idiot. My relationship with DH is fine. Our ONLY issue is interference from in laws.

Not many d.i.ls would move house just so that DH could be near his parents. I applaud Maternityleave for that.
I do not think the OP is unreasonable. She wants the best for child.....what's wrong with that? And realistically, her m.il. is too ill to be looking after a toddler, much as she would like to.
All the best Maternityleave

I have read all the posts before replying. I think your problem is the relationship between you and your DH not between you and your in-laws.

Why don’t you ask your DH what kind of family he comes from. Did his mother and father take him and his sisters to visit abusive family and friends when they were young? Is that why you have such distrust of his family now?
Don’t forget, you may be your child’s mother but your DH is the child’s father and presumably has as much say as you in your child’s upbringing so instead of asking us total strangers, why don’t you discuss this very personal issue with the only other person whose opinion counts - your child’s father.

Fizzers: because its a difficult time and if one is going to pass harsh judgment and false accusations they should be bothered to read all posts first.

Lucky girl i think you have hit the nail on the head.
I dont understand posters that say “why are you here, you should speak to your husband” or “i am looking for posters to agree” if that was the case i would posted solely on mumsnet. But i wanted critical but kind advise. My MILs perspective perhaps. Thank you to all for responding. Both support and criticism. It will be valuable in helping me reach a solution and my approach when i tackle this with DH.

why the need to shout? MaternityLeave

Bluebell- i dont think anyone “allows” their child / grandchild to be abused. Most abuse cases happen not with strangers but with family, extended family and friends. My dh was in a similar situation when he was 7/8 with a friend of MILs. It was not her fault as it could happen to anyone. But because of this i trust no one but those i know personally.

Nonnie; READ THE POSTS BEFORE QUESTIONING MY INTEGRITY.

You really are contradicting yourself after saying you don’t trust your parents in law or more to the point mother in law you say they are wonderful grandparents, well they can’t be both they can’t be untrustworthy and wonderful
When my parents or in laws looked after my child or children I never once questioned where they were taking them or if they were visiting anyone etc etc Do you really think they would let them be abused in a friends home ??? I think you have big issues around the control of your little one
I think you need to stop work and look after your little chap yourself 24/7
I fail to understand how you could be with someone 14 years and not realise they were very tied to their family until now

It looks as though you are harbouring a deep resentment of PIL for manipulating your OH to buy a house nearby against your wishes; and I am sure this is colouring all your interactions with them.

It is a very emotive issue, as we all want our small children cared for by people with whom we have an instinctive connection and with whom we feel in harmony. You do not have to justify this feeling - it is what it is.

This connection is not there; nor with your sister-in-law and I can understand that this must be a very uncomfortable situation for you.

Personally I would forego the job, as you can afford to, and soak yourself in the joy of watching your DC develop at this critical time. I took 5 years off initially to be with my two oldest children until they started school - I have never regretted this and loved every (well nearly every!) moment.

This will get you over your dilemma and when the children are a bit older you might feel more inclined to tolerate influences that give you concern as they will have a firm grounding in your values.

I am guessing you probably behave like my mil hence ur comments

This follows the usual pattern of an OP accusing posters who do not agree whole-heartedly and sympathise with her side of the story of being bad MIL, just like her own.

Boringly predictable.

Very strange. Your mother in law is having chemo? Then there is your excuse for you not to send your baby to her. As someone else has said it's not advisable for either her nor the baby. So just calmly say that due to the cancer treatment it's impossible to rely on her for care.

"Vilifying my in laws”? If i was doing that i would not say they are great grandparents

But not so good that they can be trusted to watch out for your child and will take him to visit possible abusers - and stand by while all this is going on?

This gets more and more fantastic.