In law issue... childcare

I even felt guilty for booking a week away during ds birthday. I felt i needed something for just us. My dear parents have no opinions or wants. Thats one blessing i have come to appreciate.

Hi everyone,

The party was at their house to accommodate them. Also our current arrangements are unsuitable. They decided the dates as we escaped for a week during ds bday. So they chose when to work it. We provided cake and food etc. I find their conduct extremely unreasonable. And yet even thinking or writing things like this makes me feel petty. Its like my life has become everything v cancer. Whats worse... and of course cancer is so everything else doesn't matter. I just sometimes feel so overwhelmed by it. I sound like a broken record.

So your ILs stole your dc's bday party. Given their past behaviour, it is very predictable and expected.

Again, you have to decide how much you are willing to accept from them.
How many milestones do you want to give them in order to keep the peace/not rock the boat/"show them kindness" till you say enough?

Hi MaternityLeave

Was the party at MILs house? Why did she have control of the date (fitting it around appointments??)

Ignoring the cancer issue for a minute, if the party was at MILs house then that might partially explain the assumption that they would cut the cake. They seem to struggle to consider others viewpoints/wishes , probably exacerbated by their stress with cancer.

Putting your acceptance as an act of kindness is fine, and generous of you. But I am sure you are also strong enough to not allow the cancer to become a total excuse for getting away with things that are really put of order As Summelove says, you can never get this time with your son back.

I totally understand why you would want to be the one to cut the cake etc. If it is any consolation, as the years go by with ones children, so many lovely milestones come and go that one experiences with them and so missing one becomes somehow less important.

Keep in touch

But whats missing your first childs cake cutting in comparison to having cancer.
You sound so beaten down, it makes me sad.

You are trying so hard to be kind and generous to people who treat you so poorly.

Please remember that you matter. Your wants and needs are valid. You can never get this time back either.

Hi Madgran,
Things are as well as can be expected. There is always one thing or the other. DS birthday caused a real mighty fuss. We basically had mix up on the party dates. Mil had control of the actual date which i accepted and there was misunderstandings etc. I didn't rise to it. But what got me was mil n fil cut DS birthday cake! They just assumed this role... i thought that was mum n dads role... anyway i just breathed through it. I reread your advise and put it as an act of kindness but i cant understand why they thought that was okay! I wasn't angry. I was surprised but not surprised they thought this was okay. Anyway its just crazy. But whats missing your first childs cake cutting in comparison to having cancer.

How are things Maternity Leave?

Thank you for the structured clarity Madgran. I have reread and will read again when feeling overwhelmed.

MaternityLeave what a difficult time for you. I have a couple of suggestions for what it's worth

1. Your instincts are that for you it is right to avoid carrying guilt after MIL is gone. So do whatever you feel is right to avoid that for yourself. You have been kind and compromising and generous and compassionate and you should keep reminding yourself of that every time negative guilt strikes you!

2. The business deal/MIL/SIL issue is separate to the fact that your MIL is coming to the end of her life. Instead of focusing on their mean selfish behaviour, try to focus on the fact that your husband resisted the suggestion despite his difficulties in saying no to his family. That is a huge and positive achievement for him. Be proud of him for that. He will partly have managed it because of the support he has from you. So focus on that and mentally stick 2 fingers up at their behaviour because they lost a bit of their influence over him that day he said no!!

3. The future ...keep in mind that he said no that one time. When "looking after" comes up, talk to your husband about what that actually means ...not money if she is well off etc! Start to make this "problem" into a shared one for both of you rather than his problem alone, that way you can influence and support him, whatever MIL has or has not said to him!!

I am so sorry that you are going through all this

I am not sure what to say. I know mil will tell dh to look after the sil especially the unmarried sil. I am not sure how to deal with this. I can just about breathe when dealing with what is already happening / happened. I would probably break down at the thought of trying to deal or think about whats to come.
I live in fear of later regretting my behaviour and spending my life feeling guilty if i do not make an effort with mil. When she is no longer here, i never want to allow her to occupy my mind in a negative way again. And to do that i need to make sure i carry no guilt.
If MIL did give sil the thumbs up to approach dh with this complete rip off business proposal, i just don't understand why mil would do that especially as sil is extremely successful. Also i know dh is a soft touch. His mothers illness has probably got him closer to his siblings which is what he needs at this time and probably more so after her death. He has a lot to deal with and i feel i need to be there for him but also draw the lines and not be a walk over. I wonder what else they have tried to do. I will be the first to say that dh is a walk over etc but i am glad he managed to say no to their proposal and say i can get a better deal myself.

Maternityleave,

It is not your fault your MIL is sick.
There is nothing you can do to improve her health. Your child is not Prozac. You are not Prozac.

Your ILs are horrible people, you know it. They have showed it to you so many times
Time and time again they have showed you who they are and you choose to gaslight yourself into keeping the fake family facade.

You are in danger. This will not end with your mil's death. Your sil is as bad or worse than your mil.

It is as if your dh's fog is contagious.

I know it will be difficult but I would distance myself as much as possible from sil, she sounds manipulating. Difficult I know but they seem quite practised at the guilt trips.

Your feelings ABSOLUTELY matter. Please don’t doubt your worth.

Im sorry your inlaws seem like terrible people, and your husband is so so soft.

There is nothing you can do about MIL now, but please back away from SIL at your earliest convenience.

Have you looked into therapy to talk to someone about your feelings about your husbands family? I can’t remember. It sounds like your husband would really benefit from some extra help in the coming months too.

I hate to say it, but I feel a death bed promise to “look after sister” is coming and you need to have him strong enough to put his own family first.

Hi
I am back again. Nothing major has taken place. I just left mils today feeling really deflated. Mil was really unwell. She has a cough she cant shake off and is really weak. It was difficult to watch. But i know many will say this is terrible and i feel bad but i suspect Mil n Sil tried to rip dh off financially with the sale of a business. Dh said no but only told me about it 6 weeks ago. Incident happened 12 months ago. I know sil would not have approached dh without getting the thumbs up from mil. I felt bad as mil was ill, well she is dying but at the same time i was furious at her. But of course i am not 100% sure sil got the thumbs up from mil. I am just 99.9% sure. Everytime i find a way to make some sort of peace with mil, something happens that takes me back to square one. Again i return home emotionally drained from feeling guilt because of mils health and my feeling of great dislike towards her, followed by deep shame for not being a better person and dealing with it better. I keep telling myself dh is loosing his mother and mils life is slipping away. My own feelings dont matter but i just cant help feel this way. I know you will say get a grip.

So sorry to hear the bad news.

Hang in there

I think you’re amazingly kind MaternityLeave

I hope they appreciate you and have stopped their crap

Thank you for your kind words. I hope my new attitude continues for as long as possible.

Thoughtful of you to update. Kindness is always the the best way if possible, especially towards vulnerable people who cannot be “on their best behaviour”. I am not suggesting people be doormats but that making allowances in certain circumstances may be the best way. The manner in which you have dealt with this is dignified and when the worst happens you will not have to deal with guilt. Well done you. ? for you and your poorly MIL.

MaternityLeave thank you for updating us. I'm sorry that the news about your m.i.l.'s health is not good.

Good for you for finding an understanding and compassionate way of dealing with this very sad situation.
.

Thank you inlaws for your kind offer but I would prefer to put x child in nursery to develop friendships with other children and social skills. You are so kind to offer but I could not allow you to look after x child when you are so ill. It would be unfair of me. I will bring x child to see you at weekends.

Also regarding my own parents- they are supportive. They live in neighbouring town and leave us to live our lives. I visit often and my mum n dad open up their homes and happily wave us off wen we leave. No pressure to visit or guilt for lack of visits. No strings or emotional issues.

Hi everyone,

I was surprised to see some late comments on this thread. This situation is very difficult. So many emotions to consider. I think overall it is tragic as mil is the cement that holds the family together. And her cancer is really taking its toll now and i can see the cracks emerging. They have given mil some tablets and said the chemo is not working and there is nothing more they can do.
With regards to the childcare issue it has been addressed. LO will be going to nursery. But i will ensure once or twice a month i do not arrange childcare so LO can spend time with in laws. Also i now make 2/3 visits to mils. 2 of the visits are without dh as he works long hours and his availability does not fit with LO routine. I now see mil n fil and their relationship with dh and son as something that is precious and temporary. I do my best to facilitate this. I have not forgotten my mil n sils antics. But i try and treat mil with kindness because she is very vulnerable now. I always bake her something when i go over. Its very confusing as some days i very strongly remember the pain and hurt she caused me. And other days i feel guilty for not finding a better way to deal with it and for disliking mil so much. Regarding the house buy, dh and i was most definitely on the same page. He knows this as do i. But he knows i am not happy about it and will at some point move out if i continue to feel this way.

A mommy's boy and family enmneshment is a horrible combination.

Sisters-in-law should not have a say in anything that goes on between a couple. I wouldn't dream of interfering in any of my siblings marriages. The sister-in-law should keep out of it.

Good advice, I am afraid the ship already sailed.

The babysitting is more for sil, not so much for MIL.