Gransnet forums


.. to wonder what happened to manners?

(120 Posts)
Paperbackwriter Wed 07-Aug-19 12:54:40

I was in our local M&S food store this morning and had stopped to glance at the headlines of papers I don't normally read (as you do..). A bunch of children came crashing through, talking and looking at something on a phone. I moved a little, and, as they seemed oblivious to me - one had already crashing into my bag - said (quietly), "be careful" as they bundled past. A woman with them then breezed past saying, "We're just trying to get to the door. It's you who's in the way." I was nowhere near the damn door) I thought, whatever happened to good manners? A brief, "sorry" would have been covered it. And what message is she teaching those children? I now hate myself for sounding so sodding fogey-ish. I wish I'd had something acidly apposite to say at the time - she sounded so rude and entitled.

clareken Fri 09-Aug-19 10:36:52

I once stepped backwards, was bumped into, and apologised. Later found out that he had picked my pocket. Purse, keys and train tickets to get the family home. At least I was polite!

jaylucy Fri 09-Aug-19 10:37:49

My brother regularly, when someone has let go a shop door in his face, apologises loudly. Sometimes gets a response, but not always!
I have on occasion, when a group of people tried to barge past without an "excuse me" stepped back even further in their way and said "Pardon ?"

Missfoodlove Fri 09-Aug-19 10:41:09

I recently sent my niece £350. Not a single text, email or thank you letter. She is nearly 17 and I believe that there is no excuse.
It is the last present she will ever receive from me. I recently sent my niece £350.
Not a single text, email or thank you.
It is the last gift she will ever receive from me.

Hazeld Fri 09-Aug-19 10:41:24

Felice. I must remember that to say next time it happens as it most definitely will before long. I often think of something long after they have gone. Too late then. But I love your comment. I dread to think how things will turn out in the future with no manners, morals or conscience which is definitely the way things are going.

RosieLeah Fri 09-Aug-19 10:45:07

I believe this is called 'free expression'...allowing children to behave in whatever way comes naturally, without parameters. It certainly reflects badly on human nature.

Willow10 Fri 09-Aug-19 10:46:58

I honestly don't think please and thank you are taught to children any more. I had a picnic with adult grandaughter and her two children yesterday. I produced a packet of bisuits, passed them around and not one of them said thank you. I deliberately said thank you to each as they took one, but got no response whatsoever! Instead of saying anything, I actually felt like maybe it was me being an old fuddy duddy to expect it! confused

Grandelly54 Fri 09-Aug-19 10:48:02

The trouble is young people don't see us, we are completely invisible (unless they want something from us). We are blamed for everything from global warming to Brexit! Manners, well they don't exist in the world. I was in Cambridge at the weekend (folk festival), just had a knee replacement, walking sticks, got up to get off the bus, two young tourists got on, looked at me like I should get out of their way, bus Driver did nothing (I expect he thought he couldn't offend them by asking them to get off to allow me to get off). It's a mad world.

Gingergirl Fri 09-Aug-19 10:54:38

Whether you were in the doorway or not is irrelevant. ‘Excuse me please’ would be a well mannered, respectful way of talking to you rather than barging past and is what the teacher should be expecting from the pupils. It’s nothing to do with age, generations, or anything else. Just pure decency. I’m afraid, I think that some parents perceive that they don’t have the time to teach this, to their children...and sadly don’t think it’s that important for themselves either, so the kids can’t learn through example. I’m so pleased I bothered to bring my children up to be respectful and polite and even if they had done nothing else with their lives, I am proud of them for that.

DaisyL Fri 09-Aug-19 10:56:20

One step-grandchild is 16 today - when I asked her if she would like something that she wanted badly as a present she said 'OK Yeah'. I explained at the time this wasn't the answer I was expecting. I then sent her a text saying that a gift voucher would be on its way shortly and her response was 'Fine'. I have now sent the gift voucher with a letter explaining to her why manners are important, She will find it much easier to get a job if she says please and thank you, smiles and apologises when she is wrong. All the qualifications in the world won't get you a good job if you have terrible manners (unless you intend to be a research scientist working in isolation). I feel a bit harsh, but her mother doesn't tell her as she thinks that it will make her children hate her! Article in the Daily Mail yesterday about parents who believe it is wrong to say 'no' to their children! What lovely adults they're going to turn into!

SheenaF Fri 09-Aug-19 10:56:33

Let it go - it’s obviously nagging at you - don’t let it. There must be many times when you haven’t been disappointed with a stranger’s manners

RosieLeah Fri 09-Aug-19 11:01:48 have mentioned something there which people seem to forget...bad manners might affect a child's ability to get work. No matter how well-qualified you are, if you're ill-mannered and have no respect, you might not get that job you studied so hard for.

Mauriherb Fri 09-Aug-19 11:02:48

I get annoyed when I'm treated like a doorman. Go through a door and hold it open for the person behind but they just walk through leaving me holding the door. I just say "you're welcome " very loudly

Rowantree Fri 09-Aug-19 11:03:19

Thoughtfulness costs nothing. I prefer to call it that rather than 'manners' which sounds more Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells! But call it what you will - we brought our daughters up to be thoughtful and considerate and they are, as far as I can see. That means 'do as you would be done by' too, and as a family that's what we're trying to teach the grandchildren.

However...I have to confess that I've not always been considerate. It took DD1 to point it out. Depression and anxiety meant I had a short fuse and was pretty grumpy which of course has an effect on other people.
Now recovered, I make an effort to curb any grumps, smile and think of other people who have just as much right to 'be there' as I do (for example). Sorry, badly put, but you know what I mean!
Result: you find yourself chatting to people, seeing smiles, having thanks or help reciprocated, and it makes everyone feel better. Just pay it forward, as they say. Or try to do so. Life's too short not to.

vivonce Fri 09-Aug-19 11:05:20

Rockgran, I usually say loudly 'You're welcome' , which leaves them nonplussed. But I think yours is better!

Rowantree Fri 09-Aug-19 11:07:43

Children also need to learn that 'no' isn't the end of the world and they can cope with the disappointment. They learn resilience and patience that way.

Rowantree Fri 09-Aug-19 11:09:21

Rockgran Love that - I think I'll use it myself!

olliebeak Fri 09-Aug-19 11:11:42

EllanVannin - I'm another who has perfected the withering look ...................... learned from my Mum. I've sent 'out-of-control kids in supermarkets' scurrying back to their totally oblivious mummies with just one look, on more than one occasion!

WOODMOUSE49 Fri 09-Aug-19 11:12:32

It sounds more like a parent with lots of children than a teacher with a group of children.

Unfortunately, each generation has ill mannered people as your thread points out. Both children and adults had no manners in your case. Every generation does get worse because those children will know no better and go onto have children of their own! Help! ,

I know from working and visiting primary schools in Derbyshire and Nottinghamshire, teachers and other staff work hard to teach respect and manners and remind children. When I listen to some of the parents outside I see why their children have no manners etc.

Some have said it but a witty cutting remark hits home with adults and a follow up Thank you to children makes them look up. Sometimes!

granjan Fri 09-Aug-19 11:12:55

Out with my grandchildren last week, the youngest aged just 8 held the door open several times for strangers to sail through without one thank you. Makes me so angry.

mamaa Fri 09-Aug-19 11:13:12

Both my grandchildren ( aged 9 and 3 ) have been brought up to use please and thank-you appropriately. If they forget then the item they are hoping for/receiving is withheld until they remember, which is almost instantly, can't think why!
When I was working (now retired) as a Deputy Head of a large primary school, the children (in the main) were very well mannered at school because it was expected- the same children sometimes spoke very differently to their mum/dad/family member, and were very rarely chastised regarding it- and a few times I had to interject and remind the children concerned about manners and how we show respect to others...expectation has a lot to do with it.

grandMattie Fri 09-Aug-19 11:13:50

I had the exact opposite experience yesterday. I was coming home from Bristol and realised I had lost my train ticekts. I did, however have the receipt. Uncharacteristically in floods of tears, I went to the ticket counter and incoherently explained my predicament. I was met with kindness and courtesy; given a travel pass, a free bottle of water and LOADS of lovely kind words. Thanks you Bristol Railway Station!

WOODMOUSE49 Fri 09-Aug-19 11:19:14

Thank you grandMattie. We need to hear of more happenings like this.

Perhaps we should have another thread: Thank you for good manners. thanks smile

Scottiebear Fri 09-Aug-19 11:19:31

I think, to be fair to the youth of today, they are a mixed bag. I have come across plenty of youths and young children who have impeccable manners and are lovely. But have come across plenty who are the opposite. One thing that does irritate me - there are various ads on tv where a young child runs to an adult and is handed something which the child takes and runs off without even a thank you. Not a good example.

mrsgreenfingers56 Fri 09-Aug-19 11:25:31

"Manners maketh man" my Grandma always used to tell me. One can only hope this young woman was having an off day, probably school holidays syndrome. DH and I were passing a young mum struggling to get her pushchair into the car and we helped and she was so grateful and thanked us several times so not everyone the same I am glad to say. Three little ones in the car thought highly amusing mum was struggling!

4allweknow Fri 09-Aug-19 11:26:01

I've given up on experiencing any manners when out. It's everyone for themself nowadays. Being courteous is basically ridiculed by those younger than us GNs. We have too much time on our hands that's why we bother with manners whilst the younger folk are too much in a hurry being short of time working, childcare and of course keeping in touch via mobiles, so I gave been informed by some young females. Parents are too busy to teach manners and its not the schools role to teach them either only to apply them. I do expect and instil manners in ny GC but feel I have list the battle at times even with them. Enjoyed the responses some GNs have used, will need to practise a few!!