Feeling a bit sensitive

Well done to you!! I had to do all of this on my own and it was hard work and draining so I know what you have gone through. I'm sorry that you haven't had any help from your relatives but you can pat yourself on the back and say you did it! To be honest, I'm glad I don't have any brothers or sisters. Take some time out for yourself. Sending you love and hugs. Xx

Chews is responding to a pic on page1!!

Chews, I think you're on the wrong thread here - easy to do I know!

Matrix73 It's an hydrangea. There are lots of different varieties - I have noticed they seem to be more fashionable again in recent years

Happiyogi. Thank you for being magnanimous and for explaining your situation.

I do appreciate all families have their individual dynamics, and differences are often starkly exposed when an elderly parent becomes dependent.

In the long run I think we all have to do what we feel is the right thing in our own situation, as another poster has said its difficult to change another person.

Best to try and live without bitterness, which is such a destructive emotion. Easy to say, hard to do, I know only too well.

Lilyflower, I'll admit to being the 'toxic personage' as I now feel no love for my sister.

How did it end? She suddenly and unexpectedly died one morning, all alone, in her beautiful room with the wonderful view in the luxury home (with totally inadequate care and insufficient staff) and I had to comfort my sister. She believed (still does, in her deluded way) that she'd done the absolutely best job of looking after our mother.

Had not has!

This thread strikes a note with me.

My mother lived roughly equidistant between myself and my sister, she being 50 minutes away from mum and I was one and a half to two hours away depending on traffic.

Mum's drinking bouts, combined with her encroaching dementia, caused ever increasing crises where my sister and I had to drive to the rescue.

My sister decided mum should live in her own town so she could avoid the long drive and tasked me with finding mum a care home near her which I did. I has great misgivings as I knew my sister's idea that she would be forever popping in and looking after mum would clash with her full time job and busy social schedule. Nevertheless, mum's proximity to my sister necessitated her being the 'on hand' child and she had the bulk of the care after mum's move.

The move meant I did not see my mother so often as the visits involved about five hours there and back on motorways and a very heavy and exhausting day. When my mother had to move into residential care my sister often did not so much as offer a cup of tea at her nearby home so my DH and I had to use the facilities of tea shops for drinks and the loo. Additionally, my sister kept me in the dark about everything to do with mum and her state of health. When we visited mum sometimes she did not recognise me or would be hostile or just fall asleep.

My sister's resentment that she was the one who did 'the lion's share' as she put it grew volcanically until she could hardly contemplate me without fury. Her cruel emails and orders, demands and accusations over the years stressed me considerably and made me ill. I felt I had to put up with it as she effectively had mum as a hostage, and in order to see that mum was being well looked after, I had to bite my tongue with my sister.

I am saying this to redress the balance, somewhat, about the roles of the 'on call' sibling and the others who might be more distant. It is not always what it looks like at first sight.

In my view, harbouring resentment is the real fault. it poisons reletionships, harms the person demonised and turns the resenter into a toxic personage. Of course, every case is different and to be judged by its own merits. But it is certainly not the case that siblings never want to help their parent, sometimes they are simply unable to do as much as the person on the spot.

Of course, she refused to live here as she'd been thoroughly brainwashed into believing that a nursing home was the only possible option (despite not needing nursing care)!

Happiyogi, 'another angle' and 'seizes control' rings a loud bell with our past situation.

I was the one who held my mother's hand as she cried her heart out in the nursing home. I was subjected to her rages and who had the run ins with the staff. I answered the desperate calls in the early hours. I raged about her call button being removed from her reach. I had to take her mobile away (she kept calling the police, believing she'd been abandoned and forgotten about in 'some hospital'). I installed the spy camera. I visited early and late, unannounced, even told her to wet the bed if she'd been waiting three hours to be taken to the loo (and had a terrible pain)!

Meanwhile, my sister, living permanently in her self-constructed 'Happy land', saw nothing untoward through her rose-tinted glasses, thought the staff everywhere were nice, honest, happy dedicated people (a few were, many weren't). She went on about the lovely views, the nice furniture etc. Despite the three luxury care homes in a year, my dear sister assumed that our mother was 'difficult' and I was 'negative'.

My brother would visit only after lunch, the 'Happy Hour', play a quick card game and run away home.

I desperately wanted to bring her home but she refused to live with me. It leaves you very sad and very angry.

I understand how you feel. My DF n my DM both age 99 yrs old. Currently my DF in hospital. It’s been a big struggle over the past few years helping them. My sister doesn’t speak to me because I realised as they live alone they required more help. Especially as my DH has been diagnosed with a serious illness and I was unable to do as much as I had been doing. I arranged a small amount of help on one day per week through social services. It was all going ahead I then got a call from S Services saying my sister had spoken with my DM and both agreed it wasn’t necessary and cancelled it. Now my DF in hospital and my sister is expecting me to spend every other day looking after my DM n visiting hospital. My sister has a daughter n son who can do her visits but I don’t have anyone apart from my husband. The hospital realise this situation and a meeting was arranged but because my sister has joint power of attorney for health for my parents any decisions have to be made together. She blocks things and quite frankly I don’t know which way to turn at the moment. I had a stairlift and a wet room installed at my parents a few years ago even that was a struggle as they were against it but became a necessity. The hospital meeting was purely for my sister and I but she insists on bringing my 99 DM along. In fact my DM can barely hear and thinks that everything will return back to normal. I’m at a loss as to what to do and under a great deal of stress. I’m doing as much as I can meantime

Apologies LazigirI! I truly wasn't criticising you or the OP or anyone else who has had to care for parents. I'm really sorry that wasn't clear. I was actually speaking from longstanding and difficult experience within our own family.

Let me enlighten you Happiyogi. I am in no way the one who has "seized control" of my mother's care. I would happily hand over responsibility for my mother and am doing it by default and compassion for my mother. My brother feels strongly that she should not go into a home, and he does what he can, but he has a lifelong mental illness and cannot cope (he doesn't live with her). I would rather she was in a home, because I and my OH want to live our lives whilst we are still able, but this is difficult. My 3 sisters do not live nearby and rarely help out. Please do not assume everyone falls into your "psychological insight" category.

No, you aren't being needy at all. You feel put on. I think this happens a lot in families, one member of the family ends up taking all the hard work on by themselves. It can lead to resentment. In my case helping with my elderly mother tends to be left to me as one sister abroad and the other working full time but they are supportive as they can be and I am pleased to help mum.

You may be feeling needy but that is not a surprise! You have shouldered the majority of the management of your mum's care plus living your own life, which probably includes supporting your DD /DGCs too. Who is supporting you? We all need a bit of TLC especially at stressful times. Even if all your sister/s can do is visit your mum and give you a day's respite that would be something. Treating you to a nice lunch/ afternoon tea in recognition of the work you have saved them would be a bonus & is not too much to expect.

Sometimes there's another angle to the Capable Daughter situation. She's the one who siezes control, states that "her" parents will be put in a home over her dead body, issues factual medical updates to siblings but never consults or seeks their advice, opinion or assistance. Or acts on it if it's offered. She has medical connections, so all the siblings accept this and learn to keep their interventions to a minimum.

Time passes, and they also learn to listen silently to the chorus of neighbours, extended family and Capable Daughter's friends and colleagues who loudly praise her saintly devotion and selflessness. True story.

As I've said before on other threads, same in every family, there's always someone that gets on and does all the hard work and other family members just sit back and let em get on with it

Nanamarch1603 perhaps your sisters are unaware of all you've had to do.
Maybe they imagine that a hospital stay, followed by admission to a care home, has all been organised by health and social care services.

If they are aware of all that you do, they should at least acknowledge it.

If they are not aware, you need to communicate with them and let them know if there's anything helpful that they can do.

When dh fell ill with dementia children did not visit. He was heartbroken. They visited last week of his life when he was on morphine and sleeping all day and night. Their guilt and loss. They want a momento of dh but i have said they can wait till i die.

It's par for the course in many families. One consolation is that you had no arguments about what was to happen. Of course that's not to say there won't be any forthcoming but you can always say 'well where were you when the decisions were to be made'.

And do they thank you then Solonge?

Do what I do....say to your sisters....’no, it’s ok really, I’m happy to be the one to do everything....just nice to hear thank you for my efforts’....

I was the daughter who did the vast majority of the care. If my sister had just said thanks or you have done a good job or given me a bunch of flowers or a bag of maltesers I would have been thrilled but nothing! I know my parents were grateful.

In my experience it almost always falls to one person (often eldest daughter) to care for parents and parents in law irrespective of how many siblings there are. You just have to get on with it.

Well done for all your hard work. A couple of calls to your sisters asking if they were happy with all of the too-ing and fro-ing and meetings and sorting out you have done, as you haven’t heard from them? ...... reverse psychology works for me. Put the ball in their court. Maybe they have not been aware of your lone exhaustive efforts to get your mum settled. Sometimes the most capable person gets no credit but I’m very sure your ailing mum would be very proud of you. I hope your sisters step up to the plate and give thanks for all you have done.