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Feeling a bit sensitive

(49 Posts)
Nanamarch1603 Sat 17-Aug-19 17:45:44

I am really just wanting to vent my frustrations. My mother is in her late eighties. She has a degenerative disease and about 8 weeks she fell out of her wheelchair and had to go into hospital. She is getting stronger very slowly and has now been moved into a care home for which she has been able to get nhs healthcare funding which is great. Through all of this I have been the major organiser, attended the meetings to get the funding and generally fought for this for her, completed official forms, visited the care home to check it was ok for her and generally organised everything to make sure she was looked after. I have been on the end of the phone for all queries. I am perfectly happy to do all of this but just felt that a bit of acknowledgement from my other 2 sisters would be appreciated. Am I just being a bit “needy”.

midgey Sat 17-Aug-19 17:47:22

flowers well done you for all your hard work!

Lisalou Sat 17-Aug-19 17:56:16

Good on you for doing it all! I dont know what to say about your sisters, as I am an only child with a mum in her eighties and whenever she needs something, it is down to me; In a way I am glad there is nobody else I could resent, as I do these things because I love my mother to bits, ,but I do see that in your shoes, I might get rather peeved.

crazyH Sat 17-Aug-19 17:56:41

Well done Nanamarch ! If you have been the doer, then , the others let you get on with it. They trust you to make the decisions. I'm sure they are grateful but don't know how to show it. Your mother is lucky to have you. In my case, I have 2 sons and one daughter. The d.i.ls seem to organise things for the family, more than my daughter. And my daughter is happy to go with the flow, apart from the odd niggle. There is a joke in the family that if she did organise anything, it would be a cheapskate affair 😂

fizzers Sat 17-Aug-19 17:58:32

No you're not being needy, I went through similar with my elderly mother, only difference was that I had been virtually her sole carer 7 days aweek for 18 months prior to her hospitalisation , and later , her stay in the NHS funded care home until she passed away.

There were times when I would scream down the phone at my sister (yes she was working) to help me more, and to get her daughters to help more - they were very good a paying lip service but in effect, did nothing, my own daughter did what she could but had her own her health issues at the time, and also had to care for her two boys, one with special needs.

I too, did all the organising, seeking funding, visiting the care home, none of which I minded doing, I also sorted out after she passed away, clearing the house, the paperwork and the funeral itself. Some kind words would've been appreciated

Lazigirl Sat 17-Aug-19 18:08:44

No you are not needy, but experiencing normal emotions in the circumstances. You have done extremely well to secure the care and funding for your mother, and I know first hand how emotional, time consuming, frustrating and difficult that can be. I have been taking responsibility for my own mother since she fell down the stairs over 2 years ago. I also have 3 sisters who have very little input, and would have been so grateful for their help, or even a little acknowledgement at times. I have tried not to become resentful, but accept that they are free to make their own choices.

BradfordLass72 Sat 17-Aug-19 22:49:37

If this was happening in my family Nanamarch1603 my sister would sit back (as indeed she did) and let me do everything.

But then that's the way she has always been so I expected it.

When my mother was terminally ill and wanted to see my sibling, her reaction was, 'Can't be bothered but why not sell your house and send me my share of the inheritance now?'

Minniemoo Sat 17-Aug-19 22:54:51

This was a bit like my sister when Mum went into a home. She wasn't too keen on visiting for long but she did do all the paperwork so I reckoned that we balanced out OK. Ish.

It was always me who ended up sat in hospital until 3am getting Mum admitted. Waiting for doctors. Treating her like an adult. My sister would breeze in saying how terribly busy she is and then dart out again.

I suppose we all have our parts to play in the family.

But I have to admit to being grateful with all the paperwork we hd to do for the Court Protection stuff and DOLS etc tec.

But if you're doing everything, Nannamarch, I feel a conversation with your sisters might be in order. You're not being needy at all but it looks like they're taking advantage of your kind and generous nature

SpringyChicken Sat 17-Aug-19 23:39:08

No, you are not needy, Nanamarch. A little appreciation goes a long way. But now, your sisters should do some of the running around. Be less available to do it all, push some tasks onto them.

paddyann Sat 17-Aug-19 23:41:19

I have 2 sisters ,only one who was a help with our mum after Dad died.The other abdicated all responsibility .We didn't see her or hear from her for over 12 years .Then she turned up at the funeral in tears with her in laws in tow .Crocodile tears my mother would have said ,all show .If she had cared she'd have been there through the years of illness and hospitals and middle of the night phone calls and incontinence .
At least I and my older sister can say we did our best for mum ,and thats all that counts .

Bagatelle Sat 17-Aug-19 23:52:55

Nanamarch1603 if being emotionally exhausted counts as 'needy' then yes, you are. cupcake cafe

Lazigirl Sun 18-Aug-19 10:01:24

All families are different and the ideal family is a myth. Some are close and pull together, some don't, there arnt really any any rules.

I would love to be part of a close, caring and responsible family but I'm not and have had to accept that.

I can't make my sisters behave the way that I would like, and to try would be fruitless and make me bitter, so I accept it. They have to live with their own consciences, and will in turn get old and perhaps dependant.

maryhoffman37 Sun 18-Aug-19 11:32:09

I did all this four and a half years ago for my older sister after she had a devastating stroke (our mother died when I was 29). Literally there was no-one else to do it, as she is single. There were kind friends locally, who have kept up visiting the nursing home, sending cards etc. And there were many helping hands when I had to clear my sister's house, a long way from where we live, so that it could be rented out. (And she was a hoarder!) The other difference from the OP, apart from not having any other siblings to help, is that all my work was appreciated, by my daughters, by my husband, by her friends, by everyone who knew the situation. I can only imagine that the OP's two sisters feel enormous guilt that they haven't done their share of all this - and I do understand how time consuming it is. It lasted six months for me. Once they have begun to say thank you, they will realise just how much they owe the OP and they dare not open the floodgates.

quizqueen Sun 18-Aug-19 11:36:48

Are you the only one in the family local ? Did you say to them at the beginning,' This is what I can do....., what can you do to help?' Sometimes when capable people just get on with things, others see that as not needing any help. I am not saying that's right, just that's it's a fact.

Beckett Sun 18-Aug-19 11:39:05

I feel your pain Nanamarch. When my father died I took on all the necessary work, probate etc. I fully expected to do this as my only sibling, brother, lived abroad. I visited Mum twice a week and she would spend Sundays with us - if she had any problems or worries I was the one who sorted them out. My brother would ring her every 4 weeks or so.

I overheard her talking to someone praising my brother to the heavens and saying how much she appreciated his phone calls as he was obviously so busy. When the other person said she must be grateful for everything I did for her the reply was "it's no more than she ought to do"!

You are obviously a kind and caring daughter - I hope at least your Mother appreciates everything you do.

grandtanteJE65 Sun 18-Aug-19 11:41:43

No, you are not needy, a word of thanks and appreciation from your sisters would have made the world of difference.

So of course would offers to help have done.

This story is as old as the hills, remember the Gospel text about Martha coming in from the kitchen and saying to Jesus, "Say to my sister that she should come and help me"?

There is always one sister who does all the worrying and caring while the others do sweet Fanny Adams!

TrendyNannie6 Sun 18-Aug-19 11:49:09

No you are not needy , but I found that when one of my parents was ill n went into care. My family stepped back only visited birthdays Xmas their excuse was didn’t want to see the family member in care. It did cause bad feeling, not because I did it all myself but because I thought it was disrespectful not to visit more, but there you go you cannot make ppl do things they just don’t want to do, I thought it was very selfish n felt for my parent

Tigertooth Sun 18-Aug-19 11:58:54

Of course they should actually be sharing the burden of calls and paperwork - in future perhaps you should just say “x,y and z needs doing but I’m away for a week so please see to it for mum, thanks.”
If for some reason they CANT help - then of course they should show their appreciation.
I do worry for the elderly who don’t have family to move mountains for them - what happens?

Mauriherb Sun 18-Aug-19 12:15:06

Nanamarch, I feel for you. I did all of the organising for my parents, also the shopping and taking them out etc. My sister did nothing. Then when we had to clear their house she totally sickened me by the way she went through their belongings grabbing anything of value. She then went around telling people that I had stolen money from them, and that she had done everything for them. I have no contact with her now as I really can't forgive her

Hm999 Sun 18-Aug-19 12:17:29

I was the sister a long way away, who did feel guilty that she was unable to do anything. It's quite hard to acknowledge all they did to their faces. When I did, it sounded patronising.

Sugarpufffairy Sun 18-Aug-19 12:58:31

I was the one who was always there for the old and or ill. Only one sister who had not been seen for 15 years. I was exhausted and ill myself by the death of the last one. Needless to say there was a demand for money. The sister has not been seen again. I wish she could have managed to be a nice sister but as she is she is no loss

sarahellenwhitney Sun 18-Aug-19 13:10:27

Did you ever ask your sisters for help while looking after your mothers needs.? You make no mention of this.
A word of appreciation from your sisters would not go amiss but end in saying you were' happy' to do what you did.This is not going to go away so why not unburden yourself take this weight off your shoulders and make sisters aware of your feelings.

Matrix73 Sun 18-Aug-19 13:14:13

Ask a gran. Flower identification.

Can any of the keen gardeners amongst the group identify these flowers? (Picture attached.)

Saw them on holiday frequently by the coast in Scotland and I’d love to try some for my garden.

Hetty58 Sun 18-Aug-19 13:19:24

Nanamarch, you said that you're perfectly happy to do it all so why expect appreciation from your sisters? The world doesn't often operate fairly like that.

If they did things to help, they'd do it in their own ways and the chances are that you wouldn't be in agreement, or in control. It's far more stressful when siblings totally disagree about care arrangements.

It's also impossible to dictate to others what they should or shouldn't do and how they spend their time. Really, you are expecting them to be just like you and follow your directions. The resentment that causes can ruin future sibling relationships.

My sister tried to organise an every-other-day visiting rota (as she believed daily visiting was essential) and I complied for a while. My mother didn't appreciate my visits and complained strongly about everything, ordered me around and was very demanding, rude and hostile.

Obviously, I soon backed off and visited weekly, with a totally clear conscience. She wanted my sister, not me or my brother. (Of course, my brother visited monthly, if that.) Therefore, I did the paperwork and phone calls, organised whatever I could and kept very quiet about my strongly felt disagreement over arrangements.

I offered no thanks for my sister's self-sacrifice and endless fretting over the consequences of her own unwise decisions. It's ruined our relationship as I can only think of her as a spoilt and controlling individual now.

Anrol Sun 18-Aug-19 13:26:18

Well done for all your hard work. A couple of calls to your sisters asking if they were happy with all of the too-ing and fro-ing and meetings and sorting out you have done, as you haven’t heard from them? ...... reverse psychology works for me. Put the ball in their court. Maybe they have not been aware of your lone exhaustive efforts to get your mum settled. Sometimes the most capable person gets no credit but I’m very sure your ailing mum would be very proud of you. I hope your sisters step up to the plate and give thanks for all you have done.