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AIBU

Why is it always me ?

(71 Posts)
Kartush Wed 21-Aug-19 22:51:29

I have come to the conclusion that must be lacking that certain something that makes people want to be close to me, throughout my life it seems it is always my job to keep in touch, to hold the family celebrations, to do the phone calls and to be honest I am getting tired. My son and his family never call, hardly ever message, if I call them I am lucky if they answer one time in twenty. Oh I know they love me but it seems they seem to have forgotten that my husband and I are here. We make the effort to go to visit them (they live 2000k away)we have lived in our new house for almost three years and they have never seen it. When we do visit they seem happy to see us, I guess we are just not a priority in their lives. Am i being unreasonable to feel this way?

Sara65 Thu 22-Aug-19 14:55:18

Tris

I should go on home if I were you, have a nice cup of tea in peace.

KatyK Thu 22-Aug-19 15:13:02

Our daughter and granddaughter came here the other day. The majority of the time they sat talking to each other about people and things we had never heard of and taking pictures of themselves to post online. Me and DH just sat here like a pair of puddings. At least we had a visit I suppose!

Emelle Thu 22-Aug-19 15:56:53

We are in a similar situation as our DDs and family don't visit very often and only seem to call when they need us. Without going in to detail we have decided that enough is enough so next time the call comes to help out , the answer is going to be a polite no. I know many on here won't agree but we are tired of being taken for granted. I wouldn't expect friends to behave like this so why should family?

crazyH Thu 22-Aug-19 16:14:51

Crazygran, that was unnecessary......

Misha14 Thu 22-Aug-19 16:20:50

Agree with you Crazygran.
On the topic: I used to host/organise family gatherings, until my kids had their own homes, when they couldn't wait to take over Christmas and family gatherings. Now I'm in the lovely position of waiting to be told what to bring and then sitting back and enjoying it all. The baton has well and truly been passed.

Happysexagenarian Thu 22-Aug-19 16:35:10

In our family I am the one who is 'disconnected'. I very rarely phone anyone (AC, GC or my siblings), I may text occasionally if I have something specific to say. I love them all to bits and think of them all the time, I just don't feel the need to constantly be in touch.

It seems to be a trait in my family as my brother never phones, writes, texts, emails or visits. He doesn't welcome visits and has never even met my children. I always send him birthday and Christmas cards but he never reciprocates. I just accept that's the way he is.

As for family events and get togethers, our AC and GC visit us several times a year, they organise visits as they have work schedules, school etc. They also visit each other and keep in touch frequently.

My own siblings are scattered around the globe and the older we get the less keen we are to travel long distances, so now it's just weddings and funerals, health and mobility permitting.

Ooeyisit Thu 22-Aug-19 16:41:20

Yes this could be me writing this .

willa45 Thu 22-Aug-19 16:54:26

We are not the only people in our children's lives. Once they leave home, embark on their careers, form their own families, they also accumulate other social obligations besides ours. When we have to compete for our children's attention, we are unfortunately outnumbered if not outranked.

Best advice I ever heard was to 'get a life'!; meaning that we can't control the friends we have, but we can control the kind of life we make for ourselves. When we seek other outside interests (hobbies, volunteering, classes, travel etc.) we not only learn and grow, we also create alternatives for a more fulfilling life experience.

'Get a Life' means we should stop depending on other people for our own entertainment. Instead, we should acquire new experiences and learn new things. By learning and doing we become more interesting to others. Interesting people are also more likely to make new friends.

GoodMama Thu 22-Aug-19 16:54:59

I think having expectations of what other people should do and want will always lead to disappointment.

I’m guilty of this, too.

We can only control what we do and how we react to what others do.

We may not like it, but once other people show us who they are we can either accept it and adjust our expectations to match reality or continue to torture ourselves.

Not an easy change in thinking but well worth it!

willa45 Thu 22-Aug-19 17:00:18

can't control the friends we have ,

Should have been ".....can't control the friends and family we have...."

Oh, for that much desired 'Edit' button!

Dear Admin, Please tell us what compelling reason there is for not having it and I won't ask again.

willa45 Thu 22-Aug-19 17:21:23

Kartush, I may have reacted primarily to the first part of your post as well as the responses of others. My apologies if it appeared to digress ....

Having said that, you mentioned your son lives 2000 Ks away which obviously makes it hard to have frequent interactions. It's good that you are able to visit from time to time. Have you had a frank conversation with your son/DIL about the reasons for not taking your calls, lack of messaging, visiting etc? If their responses don't really satisfy you, then my original post still stands.

Sheilasue Thu 22-Aug-19 17:42:51

Get on an enjoy your lives. They will soon notice when you don’t get in touch.

glammagran Thu 22-Aug-19 19:03:45

Lizvyk Hope you’re better now 💐

grannybuy Thu 22-Aug-19 19:10:52

When I occasionally stay with DD for a couple of days, 15 yr old DGD hogs her mother's attention, constantly talking in a low voice about things personal to them, which I obviously know nothing about. It makes me feel a bit 'spare', and, as it's quite rude, I wish DD would take her to task for this, especially as I'm only there for a short time. I'm lucky to see them every two - three months though, as they live about 150 miles away, so can't complain about that I never see them.
,

Mic74 Thu 22-Aug-19 19:51:01

I cannot explain why it is, but my 2 sons brought up in the same way. one phones and visits often, the other I almost have to text him and make an appointment to speak to him; my husband and I make a joke about it, but it does hurt really. but as I say, brought up exactly the same, just different personalities. however, if there is an emergency he is always there.

Chaitriona Fri 23-Aug-19 03:36:23

Good advice, good mamma

Bugbabe2019 Fri 23-Aug-19 09:58:57

No YANBU
I would be just as upset.
Luckily I am very close to my DIL and we message each other numerous times during the week.
Were you and your son close before? Is there a reason that there is any resentment between you? If not then I’d have it out with him oh and don’t forget to down all the inheritance money, if he can’t be bothered to visit/stay in touch then sod him!

Namsnanny Sat 24-Aug-19 00:04:36

Misha14......How wonderful for you. confused

GoodMama Sat 24-Aug-19 00:46:44

Misha14, that does sound wonderful! Good for you and your lovely family. Heathy all the way around!

melp1 Sun 25-Aug-19 19:04:25

The younger generation with children and work are very time poor. I keep in touch with my grandaughters by texting, calling or sending pictures via whats app, they always reply (always on their phones). They send pictures back and let me know what the families upto. One son lives about 10 miles away and we see them most weeks but we just pop in for a coffee.
The other around 120 miles away, we did used to visit and stay over but more difficult now the girls are at school. They usually stop over about 4 times a year and we all have a week away together in May.
Can you just pop round to see them occasionally?