What Would You Do

Your daughter has three choices:
*shower in the evening;
*have a bath /wash in the morning;
*pay herself to have a shower installed in the bathroom.

Or of course she could find alternative accommodation if his presence in your bed offends her.
No 'insisting' on arrangements as long as it is your flat.

I can see it's a difficult situation. Your DD is never going to be happy having a non family member intrude into what she feels, is her personal living space. She will have to accept that you are doing her a favour by letting her live in your flat at a low rent.

You will either have to swop rooms, or install another shower.

Or, better still, can't she rent somewhere outside London and commute? Rail travel is expensive I know, but if she wants a London life she will have to fund it.

Sorry - I missed the last few posts while typing.

I think a lot of this is not about the shower, really.

You see the house as yours, because you paid the mortgage. All landlords have paid/are paying the mortgage on their properties; but when they are rented out they are not their homes.

Your daughter might be asserting herself as a renter by doing the 'my house/my rules' thing. That isn't (to me) unreasonable. You are effectively a guest in her flat, whether you like it or not, and guests don't call the shots, particularly when they haven't been invited (sorry).

What does your partner have to say about his? You say that the situation is causing problems in your relationship with him, which suggests that he has an opinion on it all.

It is fairly easy to resolve, really; but it would mean accepting that the flat is yours in name only, so long as someone is paying you rent.

If you ask your daughter to find another flat and rent yours to someone else, there will be no issue, as you would not be allowed to stay there. This might alienate your daughter, though, and you would need to consider if doing that is worth it for a couple of weeks a year.

If you stay in a hotel/b&b when you are in the UK, your daughter would have the quiet enjoyment of her space that she is paying for.

If she is paying below the market rate, she could maybe find a flatmate and share the rent. If they agreed on the use of the facilities and put it in the contract, that could be a solution, and she would learn that compromise is sometimes necessary.

If that wouldn't work, you could increase the rent in small doses, so that she isn't immediately priced out.

Honestly, as you spend most of your time abroad, do you want to risk souring your relationship with your daughter (and maybe your partner) over an occasional visit?

She has a shower in the evening before you go to bed- then a quick freshen up in her own bathroom in the morning.

When you are both in residence she doesn’t use your shower has a quick spray over with the handheld shower in the bath - we’ve all done it.
Cost out getting a shower put over the bath and split the cost.

BueBelle Makes total sense to rent to your daughter that’s not a boomerang child it has everything to do with her being part of the boomerang generation she's 34 and doesn't earn enough for a mortgage and rents in London are ridiculously high even in a house share.

My flat would not lay empty if she wasn't there - it is my home and I would be more than happy to spend more time there than I do currently. I do not need to rent it out (although the money would come in handy) it is my home. And I am 'turning up' at MY OWN HOME!

DP and I would definitely spend more time in London if she wasn't living in my flat. In any case we have a potential problem due to Brexshit in that I will only be able to spend max 180 days in Paris at his home, so him being able to live in London the rest of the time is paramount in the future.

As for a new shower see my post above. I will investigate it but am not certain it will work without costing a lot more money than you seem to think.

showers don't cost all that much I'm going to get it costed out but the room is fully tiled and I'm not sure that the water pressure is high enough. It's not as cheap an option always.

DD prefers her own bedroom which is larger than mine with the ensuite. She isn't changing rooms and TBH why should either of us go through the upheaval of doing so, moving all th e stuff and clothes etc just so she can have a shower in the morning?

She uses the bathroom more than i do as she puts he rmakeup on in there. The esnuite is only for a shower and there is a handhed one on the bath anyway.

There is no way I'm going to pay to stay in a hotel every time i come home with my DP just so she can have a shower in the mornings - that is beyond ridiculous. It is my home, I paid the mortgage on it and most of the bills.

Sorry to sound angry but other than paying for a second shower this isn't easy to resolve. It ends up with me paying money I can ill afford.

I m not sure I understand where you live You say you spend most of your time in Paris and yet say you would spend more time in London if she wasn’t living in Paris ?
Your partner comes to England a few times a year for a week ish at a time so presumable you always come with him ? So what’s that a month a year Six weeks a year ?
I don’t think it’s got anything at all to do with a boomerang generation
You daughter works and lives in London
You have an empty (of people) home in London
You live in Paris
Your partner has a home and you live with him in Paris
Makes total sense to rent to your daughter that’s not a boomerang child
What would you do with the flat if your daughter didn’t use it would it lay empty most of the year or would you rent it out ?
I don’t think your daughter is being unreasonable even if she’s paying a lower rate than average it is her home for the majority of the time I think you’re lucky she can adapt to your visits as much as I loved my mum and dad I wouldn’t have wanted them turning up every few weeks/months
Put a shower in the other bathroom I have one on the taps but it has a fixture on the wall so it’s NOT hand held it costs about a fiver to put the fixture up and a shower curtain
All solved

Since you spend most of your time in Paris, and your daughter lives (and pays you rent for) in your London place, I'd say you should find somewhere else to stay

Well in that case get her to pay for a shower to be installed in the other bathroom. They are not overly expensive. If she not happy then maybe suggest it's time to fly the nest.

I can see both sides I think Lucy. Your second post makes it sound more like an adult child sharing what is your home and paying a nominal 'rent', rather than her renting a flat share from you at something close to market rates no matter how much time you spend there.

Your daughter is clear she doesn't want to use the room that has the en suite and also that she is uncomfortable using the en suite if your partner is in the adjoining bedroom. I'm not fishing here but I wonder if she may be embarrassed to see her Mum share a bed? Might your partner have said or done something to make her uncomfortable? I assume she's perfectly happy to use the shower when you are there alone?

It must be as hard for her to share the space in the flat as it seems it is getting to be for you. Does she have overnight guests when you are there or does she feel uncomfortable about that? You both need your own space.

It occurs to me that if you share your partners home in France there may be nowhere that feels truly 'yours'. Also that you kept the flat for a reason, perhaps to feel more secure but if the flat was retained simply to give your daughter a home then perhaps thats what is must be and when you come to the UK you either stay as her guest or in a hotel.

If you feel the need to keep a UK base that is yours that's different. Living between two countries isn't easy, neither is sharing two homes. I wonder now if your partner's home in France is still very much 'his' rather than a shared home. I'm sorry, I've asked a lot of questions, feel free to ignore them.

You ask what would we do. I truly can't be certain but I think a conversation with my daughter would be top of the list to better understand her concerns about using the shower, I'd also be talking to my partner to understand how he feels about it. If your daughter plans to be in the flat for some months or perhaps years to come there has to be a compromise of some sort. I wish you well, its a complex situation.

My hand held shower head also has a rail to hold it higher to have a full shower, fit a rail for the shower head over he bath.
She is being unreasonable

Showers don't cost that much.

It's worth installing a decent one over the bath to save all this hassle.

Swapping rooms would seem the answer but maybe the room daughter uses is not big enough for OP and partner to sleep in. In which case installing an over bath shower would be the answer. Maybe you and DD could share the cost.
As you spend most of your time in France and DD pays rent then it is effectively her flat IMHO

I have just re read your post - that you spend most of your time in France. In that case,and the fact that your daughter rents the flat from you, why does she not use the room with ensuite as her own ? After all, it is her home .
If the other bedroom is hers, get a shower attachment for the bath.
Still confused as to why this is an issue now, if you have been seeing this guy for the past 10 years!

Being honest (and if you can afford it). Stay somewhere else. Mind you for various reasons I hate staying with family or friends, much prefer my own space and usually stay in a Travelodge or hotel if visiting. Since your daughter does pay rent to stay and does have to be up early for work, she should be given priority. You need to chat with her about this and if needs be, explain you would both find it easier to stay elsewhere.

GoneGirl Sorry I didn't make it clear in my original post but the flat is MY home. I paid the mortgage on it, pay most of the bills and she pays a much lower rent than if I was a landlord.

Ah, I've just had a thought - do you live there with your daughter when you aren't in Paris? If so, that's a bit different, as the shower is effectively 'yours'. THIS

DD doesn't use my ensuite bedroom when I'm not there other than to use the shower. She makes up in the bathroom (which is a larger room) and prefers her own bedroom, which is also larger than mine, in any case, so she doesn't want to swap bedrooms.

I would spend more time in my own flat if she wasn't there, tbh but this is the problem with the boomerang generation. I want to help her so she doesn't have to pay an extortionate rent elsewhere but she has got used to living in the flat as a single person.

There is already a handheld shower in the main bathroom but she doesn't consider it a proper shower! I can't afford the cost of putting an overhead one in there too.

If she's renting the flat then she is the tenant and I wonder why you assume that you can take over when you visit? Unless, of course, the bedroom with the ensuite is not part of the tenancy agreement? In which case you need to provide her with a separate shower.

Yes, swap rooms

Swapping bedrooms seems the obvious choice to me.

Surely she uses the en-suite during most of the year? If so it makes sense for you to use the other room, especially as she is renting it from you? I assume that she's paying a below market value rent - otherwise you need to find somewhere else to stay.

I'm not sure that your daughter should make a lot of allowances when she is paying rent to live there. If she rented from a non-family member she wouldn't have to change her schedule to accommodate their stays.

Ah, I've just had a thought - do you live there with your daughter when you aren't in Paris? If so, that's a bit different, as the shower is effectively 'yours'. Would it work if you and your daughter swapped rooms (given that (a) you spend most of your time abroad) and (b) she pays rent, so that the en suite was in her room. You and your partner could then use the bathroom, and your daughter's routine wouldn't be affected.

Your post doesn't make it clear where you spend most of your time. In Paris I take it?

Can you not arrange to swap bedrooms when your friend comes to stay then your DD will have early access to the en-suite,that will make things easy I'm sure.