Dealing with Intrusive people

I too have many health problems and live in sheltered housing, they h ave things like coffee mornings etc which I used to attend but do not now. If I meet up with anyone, which isn't often as I am almost housebound now, I just say 'How long have you got? when they ask . I have just found out though a very long time friend who also now lives in the same building and does attend all the meetings/get togethers tells everyone all about everything that is wrong with me, what the hospital says, what I can and can't do, even what meds I am taking. So now I have stopped telling her anything

Judy , I had and still have a serious health problem. This meant I missed ten months of work, and I can't tell you how bad it was when I went back. People wanting to know what medication I was on, watching to see if I put on or lose weight, but the worst was a breach by work of leaving absence forms in full view with private health stuff on it, at the time I was too ill to care.
But just to give you a laugh, I have my shopping delivered, and to be honest it's been a struggle as there are no bags, I have to get down to floor level, lift stuff out of crates and put away. My sister encouraged me to put a note on the delivery request asking for help by putting things out of the crate and into my own 'Trolley' bags so I can drag them in , less bending. I did this but just put down another health reason. Well the driver turned up, very helpful but at the top of his voice asking how I had the problem and what had I been doing to myself and was I off work etc etc. Although I hadn't put down my real health problem (Thank goodness) it was still intrusive. As you said, you can , if pushed talk to family and friends, but you don't want to discuss very personal issues with all and sundry, I know people are concerned and that's really lovely, if they do a cheery 'How are you or do you need any help' As for going further and asking the ins and outs and medications, treatments etc, that is just nosiness in my opinion ! I think you have to be ill first before you know how to treat others that are in the same situation !! However, not to tar all with the same brush, some people are respectful and concerned, so there's still hope for us all !!! Hope you feel better soon .

I have several health issues I don’t mind close friends asking me how I am: but certainly not ppl I don’t really know,I have good n bad days like most with health conditions I go out when can and stay in when don’t have the energy to do things, I don’t want to be defined by my illnesses, and would rather talk about anything other than how I’m coping to be honest

Whilst these Nosey Parkers (for that is what they certainly are) think they have a some sort of sacred contract to stick their nose in they are VERY quick to take offence if you find the courage to say "that's MY business, if you don't mind, not yours."

Judy54
You are correct and should not feel compelled to discuss personal issues with other than your nearest and dearest
A light hearted 'suggest you ask me that in x years' should suffice.They will no doubt be curious but isn't that their problem not yours.?















how do they answer that

My husband was in hospital a few years ago. A man he didn't particularly like kept phoning wanting details of the illness. I said "I dont think J would want me to discuss this". The man was really offended. He ended the call saying he knew someone with the same condition who was dead in 24 hours! His prediction didn't come true.

I lost my job due to illness two years ago and am unable to work. In the last two days I have had people I used to work with asking how I am, and expressing surprise at how well I look.

As I have several 'invisible' illnesses - but walk very slowly, with a stick, I just smile and ask after their health, thus diverting their attention.

However, my standard reply (for to respond honestly would take ages!), is to just smile and say 'Oh, you know, upright and breathing'.

Close friends and family members know my history, vague acquaintances do not need to.

'Oh you know good days and bad days, but dont we all?
Tell me how are you'?

Hopefully the response is not too long.

I would certainly just wish you better, and then leave it up to you to tell me what you want me to know.

I would just say, "Thank you for asking, I'm doing all right and don't really want to discuss it." Then change the subject. Have one or two topics ready to trot out. Or simply ask, "How about you?" The answer to that will take up about half an hour, I suspect.

When my Dad (who had a lot of health problems in his last decade) was asked how he was, his standard reply was always, 'Oh you know - one foot in the grave and the other on a bar of soap'
When Victor Meldrew appeared many years later, I always thought of him while watching...

I'm sure that most of them are just trying to help, even if they feel they need to know more in order to offer the correct help. But it's your right not to talk about it and you should just tell them that you'd rather not discuss it. If necessary tell them it upsets you to think about it.

There are days I also resort to yes still alive!

No-one is really interested in the details unless they need advice. In which case they ask a different question.
This is my experience.
Only very close friends really want to know. Family also don't really want to know unless they have similar.
Which I am fine with as I say I don't like to talk about it.
The world is full of far more than me being ill.

It is easy to talk to other people who share the same ailments and health issues though. Then it is a real conversation.

My sister is champion of telling people all about her illnesses in graphic details every time anyone visits. I now feel we are all experts on kidney dyalysis, transplants, diabetes, chest infection etc etc.
Personally I think carefully before discussing my health with any family members as I know everyone within 5 miles will know it.

Thank you all for your great advice. Next time I will try thank you for asking but I would rather not talk about it at the moment or one of the many other phrases that are so helpful. I am grateful that people ask how I am it is just those who want all the detail which is too much for me. Thanks again for taking the time to give me these great ideas.

I have osteoporosis in my pelvis, spine and hips. I use a crutch or wheelchair to get out and about. (I have other conditions too which are invisible to anyone who doesn't know me well.)
I had gone to a cafe for a spot of lunch with my OH and girls. A little boy around 3 came over to ask me why I walked with crutches. So I explained, he then went back to jus mom and told her what I'd said. She had quite clearly sent the boy to ask. I'd never seen them before.
Some people are just plain rude and nosey.
I try and deflect as much as possible. The how are you? How are you coping questions I just say yes fine thanks how are you? If they persist wanting medical information I just say it's a long story and I need to be off/ meeting someone. Thank you for your concern. It's very intrusive and difficult, also remember it's non of their business!

Tell them you are as well as can be expected and going over things over and over makes it worse so you have decided not to talk about it and you are sure they understand and respect your decision. Big smile and change the subject asking them how they are.

I suspect most people are simply genuinely concerned and trying to express that, especially if they haven't seen you for a while. I would possibly give them the benefit of the doubt as you don't want to offend those who are genuinely concerned.

Maybe say something fairly generic but draw the line at personal details . Maybe along the lines of " Thank you for asking how I'm doing - that's very kind. I'm learning to cope/our GP is very good/I'm improving slowly/ I got some treatment that helps quite a bit/ I have good support from my family.....
I don't like discussing the details though as it's quite personal/ I find it stressful/I get upset/I get embarrassed/I find it gets me down/I prefer to focus on the positives in life... How is your new grandson doing/how was your holiday/isn't it a sunny day?"

No-one should get offended by that and they'd have to be very rude to then start asking for details. If they do - be more abrupt!

I usually say " I'm okay thanks, getting there slowly but surely", no more details are needed. If you don't want to go i n to detail to the nosey parkers then don't. Just repeat what you've just said if necessary, and turn away with a smile if you can muster one up.

Having been a Nurse all my life I dont need people telling me details of their health issues as they seem to think it is my lifes interest listening to illnesses. I try to avoid such conversations and keep my own health problems to myself

I'm amazed at the number of people who have disabilities, health 'issues' and 'conditions'.
One would think, with better living and working conditions plus advances in health care and numerous domestic appliances and a wider choice of foodstuffs, that fewer people would be reliant on a daily handful of tablets but it seems that iisn't the case.
Prescriptions on the rise. Mental health problems affecting many more people across all genders and age groups.
I feel there must be underlying reasons but I've no idea what they might be.

Conversation should be enjoyable There may be many subjects you do or don’t want to talk about surely as an adult you can move on without going into any details if you don’t want to
What a strange post Gabriella I m amazed at people who have so little awareness of social interaction even on a forum

Bluebelle, I too found Gabriella's post odd and a little upsetting, especially after having my procedure in hospital yesterday.
Unfortunately all of my conditions (some hidden) are genetic/inherited from both parents, (not sure of the correct term) and believe you me, I have been tempted ditch the pills many a time!
Unfortunately, I wouldn't be here typing this if I did so!

Despite a healthy lifestyle, I have been dealt this hand, nothing to do with poor diet, lack of exercise, living or working conditions. It's just the way life pans out.
I suspect in the past, many of these disabilities, health 'issues' and 'conditions' .went undiagnosed.
Due to better health care and living conditions, people are living longer and it's later in life when some conditions manifest themselves.

To look at me, you would think I looked really well and healthy, people can be so instrusive, when they want to know why you haven't been about and express shock and curiosity when you say you have had to retire..
They seem to think they have a right to know all your business, well they don't!
I save that for my GN friends!

I too find Gabriella’s post very disquieting. She clearly has never had to face major health issues and has nil sympathy for anyone who has.

I too find GabriellaG's post rather disquieting. Yes if only a handful of pills would make my health pribkens go away Gabriella but they wont. I have grade 4 metatastic breast cancer and even chemotherapy wont cure it. There is no cure so my time here is limited and the medications I take that are supposed help me have awful side effects. It must be wonderful for you to be so uncaring and perfect.