Gransnet forums


Am I selfish taking a lover?

(170 Posts)
GrannyOrNanny Wed 06-Nov-19 21:49:02

I’m married to a good man but the physical side of our relationship has never been particularly good. His sex drive is low and mine is more medium to high. I used to put it down to him having a stressful job but he now works much less hours and still has zero interest in sex.
I really do feel like I’m missing out and want attention, cuddles, kisses and a bit of love....and am I selfish if I take a lover or should I stay away from his proposition and carry on as I have been doing for all these years?

Hithere Wed 06-Nov-19 23:16:36

Cheating is never a good idea.

If you are not happy, divorce and then get a friend with benefits.

planete Thu 07-Nov-19 05:24:35

This rings so many alarm bells! Instead of pretending to yourself nobody will find out, you need to face up to a potential worst case scenario. How will your husband react if he finds out? How will the man's wife react? Will your husband divorce you? Will your family be disgusted with you? Will the other man's wife feel vengeful enough to make trouble for you? How will you feel when the man dumps you?If you can genuinely say you do not care about any damage an affair may cause, go ahead. If you care about any of it, you need to work harder on your relationship with your husband. He may need medical help with his libido or your both may need relationship help from a counsellor. Think long term, talk again to your husband, in a matter of fact way (no dramatics, imagine you are a counsellor!), about a possible way forward for both of you. Good luck.

BlueBelle Thu 07-Nov-19 06:29:52

In another thread you talk about your husband as your ‘best friend’ what a funny way to consider treating a best friend You also talk about your jealousy of your daughter (who lives at home still) and her relationship with her Dad I think you might need some help with your own feelings before you start messing up other people’s
Are you really prepared to kill three relationships, yours with your best friend the married man ‘waiting in the wings’ And your daughter at hone

This is quite a bizarre post and I m not at all sure whether to take it seriously

Carenza123 Thu 07-Nov-19 07:06:09

If this problem has been worked at by you both then fair enough. But I can understand the frustration you are feeling, especially as your husband has done nothing to seriously address the problem. Forget your lover waiting in the wings, because he is married and so is a more complicated situation. There must be organisations that connect you with like minded people like yourself, but without the emotional background of your proposed lover. Best of luck.

MawB Thu 07-Nov-19 07:14:46

I do wonder how old you are GrannyOrNanny and if this is a bit of a “final fling” or midlife crisis. You don’t say how old your H or the Lover in waiting is either (I am assuming you have one lined up - or is this still theoretical?)
“Attention, cuddles and a bit of love” - really?
Have I seen you on “Birds of a Feather” ?

MawB Thu 07-Nov-19 07:55:27

Yes to “selfish” as you seem to take no account of the feelings or reactions of your husband, of your daughter (whom you describe elsewhere as having mental health issues) the other man’s wife and family and your other children and grandchildren.
Perhaps just fantasising, or delusional?

Marydoll Thu 07-Nov-19 08:14:37

I agree with Maw.

Think of the hurt you will cause to your husband and family, if they found out.
Whatever happened to marriage vows? If you are that unhappy in your marriage, end it, then have your lover. You have given no thought to the other man's wife in all this.
Yes you are being selfish.

Tedber Thu 07-Nov-19 08:19:43

Be careful what you wish for is my advice! Fallout from affairs destroys lives!

Infidelity generally is spontaneous, giving in to desire. Most people don’t start weighing up the pros and cons as you seem to be doing? The man - waiting in wings- what do you say to him? Hold on I will see what Gransnetters suggest”.

fizzers Thu 07-Nov-19 08:19:59

worst case scenario, you have an affair, get caught out, end up with no husband and no lover, and perhaps incur the wrath of your family. You could end up totally alone.

sodapop Thu 07-Nov-19 08:23:05

I have been in a similar position and these things never end well. Apart from the two people directly concerned there can be an awful lot of collateral damage.
As this has been a problem for some time I think it would be better to consider separating from your husband then you will be free to have a relationship with someone more suited to you and preferably not married.

Davidhs Thu 07-Nov-19 08:30:59

Selfish or not your problem, your problem is that you will get emotionally involved with the new man, and you will end up with a divorce.
Men can easily find sex elsewhere and not get involved, women usually find that difficult, so do consider the consequences before you go down that road.

Nannylovesshopping Thu 07-Nov-19 09:06:45

I was cheated on, it’s soul destroying, make the break and then take as many lovers as you want and buy many condoms!

Grandad1943 Thu 07-Nov-19 09:24:30

As my mother said to me when I became engaged to my wife of now fifty-one years, "married life is more than four sticks and a blanket".

Marriage is a lifetime commitment (or should be), therefore there will always be problems that require to be overcome as part of any longterm relationship.

So, look positively at what you have in your marriage and where it lacks " sort it" and do not expect others to be able to advise you in matters such as this.

However, It would seem to me you are just looking for an excuse to have " an external marital affair" and in opening this thread you are hoping someone will justify that desire for you.

seacliff Thu 07-Nov-19 09:25:30

I feel sorry for the other mans' wife. Sitting there in blissful ignorance, whilst some woman decides if she will or won't sleep with him.

You are being so dishonest. You want your cake and eat it.

MawB Thu 07-Nov-19 09:29:52

I am more than a little bemused by the lack of passion expressed by OP.
if I were about to plunge into a torrid affair, would I be taking a straw poll among other grannies who do not know me and even less about my husbands libido (or not)
It makes the GE look exciting in comparison!

Yorksherlass Thu 07-Nov-19 09:44:34

Why are you asking the question in the first place , methinks you want the best of both worlds !! Good luck with that.

TerryM Thu 07-Nov-19 09:46:35


Bugbabe2019 Thu 07-Nov-19 09:49:04

If you are going to take a lover it should not be with another woman’s husband
Have some respect for her marriage please. Affairs are devastating to all involved

Morganrae Thu 07-Nov-19 09:51:50

Doodledog made some very good points. If you are not prepared for it to be the end of your marriage I would advise against it. See if hubby would agree to some councelling. An affair can have devastating consequences and is very hard to forgive.

Gypsyqueen13 Thu 07-Nov-19 09:52:01

It sounds to me as if you have already made your mind up but want reassuring from us that you are making the right decision. I can’t give you that reassurance. Personally, I think it’s a recipe for disaster. You don’t seem to have given a second thought to the wife of the chap who is ‘waiting in the wings’. Obviously, you will do what you want but be prepared for an unhappy ending.

CrazyGrandma2 Thu 07-Nov-19 09:58:22

If you do take a lover then please make sure they are not themselves in a relationship!

Elijah Thu 07-Nov-19 09:59:13

My husband cheated on me and I can only think of the pain it caused. I married him for what I thought was life but unfortunately it didn't mean the same to him!please think carefully about taking a lover. You may not be getting the sex you want within your marriage but think about what you will lose!

ElectricErin Thu 07-Nov-19 10:02:50

Doodledog says it all really. The only thing I'd add is that if you're going to keep your integrity then you must at least tell your husband that you're thinking of having a lover (your decision may then be determined by his reaction) and you need to be clear with the lover that is for sexual satisfaction only with no emotional attachments, assuming that's the case from your point of view. Keep us informed smile

starbird Thu 07-Nov-19 10:06:11

Having a lover might solve your sex drive but so would a vibrator. The trouble is that sex is an appetite that increases with use, you may start to ‘fall in love’ and want to meet more often and become less discreet about it. . It is unlikely that you would be able to continue to act normally at home.

You say you also want kisses and cuddles. Does your husband show affection to your children, grandchildren or a pet if you have one? If not he might need help with releasing his emotions -would he go for counselling with you? Did his parents kiss and cuddle or were they like him?

Are you sure he is not also a person ‘ waiting in the wings’ or no longer waiting, for someone else?

I don’t think you will get away with an affair, unless it is a cold, unemotional sex only thing which women are not usually very good at managing. You will have to decide what is most important to you. Believe it or not, throwing yourself into some other interest, especially one that is physically demanding, can help yo keep your mind off it. It is hard when couples are mismatched in this way. I assume you have tried weekends away and viagra, and have ruled out physical and mental causes?
Perhaps you should just tell your husband of your dilemma and ask if he’d mind if you have an affair - it might shake hum out of his complacency.

BlueBelle Thu 07-Nov-19 10:06:24

crazygrandma the poster has already said the proposed lover is a married man
I would like GrannyOrNanny to tell me why in other threads she talks about her husband in glowing terms and calls him her best friend ?
Is this a thread to shock ?