Am I selfish taking a lover?

There have been a lot of very polite and ‘non judgey’ responses but, honestly, what really needs to be said is.....

Yes, it’s selfish. Yes, it’s a terrible thing to do to your husband and the other man’s poor wife. Yes, it would make you a horrible person and no you shouldn’t destroy other people’s lives to satisfy your own needs.

GrannyorNanny - I would look at it this way - is there anything your OH wants from your marriage that he's not getting? If so re-open your discussion and bring the two 'lacking' elements to the table. If you can supply his need (it seems you are already doing it, accommodating his need for no sex/romance) then he needs to supply yours. Try telling him that you want physical excitement and ask him candidly how he would feel if you stepped outside your marriage to get this - would he feel betrayed in the marriage, does he expect fidelity from you? The answers to these questions will also be guidelines for him - if he answers yes to either one, then he must deliver the goods and if he's old and incapable, he can still be romantic and you don't have to have all the romping around of sexual intercourse to experience sexual satisfaction, so he can become exciting to you again with relatively little effort. If he can't do that then he has moved to the position of seeing you as a sister as you say, a companion, and he has no right to prevent you from entering into a relationship where you are treated as something else.

Think of the consequences to you, your husband and your family if you were found out. It would destroy all trust and be seen as a betrayal no matter what the reason.

Put the shoe on the other foot. How would you feel if it was your husband contemplating an affair? Whatever you do remember that the start of every long term relationship has the “honeymoon” period after which life settles down to boring normality. You say you have discussed with your husband. Has he considered seeing his GP about it or do you think he is happy as he is. Maybe tell him that you are concerned you could “stray” because of the situation. What about counselling? I haven’t had a physical relationship with my husband for nearly 20 years but it stopped because of essential medication messing with his libido. I feel “the need” from time to time, it’s only natural. All I will say is don’t do anything without really looking at the potential consequences. Good luck.

YES is my immediate answer - How would you feel if your husband - who is a good man - took a lover himself?

Don't take for granted what you have and literally throw it away in playground of deceit. You are contemplating this otherwise you wouldn't have posted here.

What about everyone who is involved? For a couple of minutes of mating too many people could get hurt and most of all your hurt yourself! Unless you are very cold and selfish and can deal with the guilt.

HAVE YOU tried talking to your hard working husband or tried to ignite the flame yourself? He may feeling exactly the same as you and accept this is our your marriage will be.

Good luck with the direction you choose.

If you take a lover someone is going to get hurt . If your husband is in agreement that's a different matter . If his not and finds out , you won't be able to go back to what the relationship was before . That's is if he still want to be with you . Sex isn't everything , think about it before you jump in with both feet . Think about what you could loose .

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Amongst all the other things that people have said, it must have caused you, yourself a considerable amount of emotional pain.

Having said that, I would go with the point that one poster made, that taking a step away from your marriage without being honest and truthful about it, would cause others a great deal of pain too. And I think in the long run you would regret that. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Hope very much you find a way to work out your situation without causing others that pain, and ultimately yourself.

painting

So here we have two people who will be cheating on their spouses. You can't wrap it up in pretty words about wanting love and caring... If you do not like your situation then get out of it...simple

Are you in a completely loveless marriage??
If the answer is yes then why stay married? An affair won't change that. It will build resentment imo. You plan on getting affection from a married man then going home to a man who doesn't show you any love?
That's without taking into account this lovers wife and family.

My opinion would be, if you are unable to work your marriage problems out by talking to your husband then separate, get a divorce. Then you'll be free to find affection from someone who can commit to you in a meaningful way without anyone else getting hurt.

A loveless marriage sounds horrible. Good luck OP ?

I think you need to list the plus and minus points. A good marriage is more than sex, I know, I have been there. Friendship, trust and comfort in one another is worth far more. 45 years married, I could never have found anyone else to live with. Not perfect but nor am i. Take what you have, treasure it.

But the poster has said her husband is her best friend on another thread why is no one picking up on that
How can you consider stabbing your best friend in the back
Please explain

My mother’s second husband had zero interest in sex. They didn’t consummate their marriage for six weeks.She thought he just didn’t fancy her. He even had an affair with another woman. Years after her divorce she was out in town with a friend and got talking to some of their old crowd. Apparently everyone except her knew that he was gay! So, maybe it’s a possibility? I think you need him to be honest with you.

(off topic) I don't know how you remember what everyone has said BlueBelle....is there a place you can look back on what someone has said or have you just got a good memory? Also is this the same person who was asking about taking a lover a few weeks ago?

It seems a drastic step to end a marriage if lack of sex is the only problem. A friend of mine told her husband to find a lover as long as he was discreet.However his children found out and were not pleased so if you go ahead tell no one especially your husband then he won't be hurt.

I don’t think taking a lover is selfish but doing it in a sneaky deceitful way and denying your husband the truth, is. Living with the consequences of our actions is how we grow up. If you’re not happy in your marriage leave it or sort it. Maybe ask your husband if he is lonely , wants a cuddle, or some kindness. I wouldn’t touch this married man with a barge pole what is there to respect ? His integrity? If you are craving love , start by loving yourself , and that means by being honest, truthful, and courageous, not telling lies and sneaking around trying not to be caught. No one who does that likes them self much IMHO. Im not talking about something I didn’t experience. I faced this exact dilemma in my first marriage, I left, divorced, and it was a huge struggle , but I met my second husband knowing exactly what I needed in terms of love and affection and feeling my honesty and courage.

My mum always used to say to me - if in doubt - don't! Remember actions can never be undone. Does your husband know you're considering this route? Does he mind/care?

I also have to say that I think you're being incredibly selfish in considering an affair with a married man. Have you considered his wife and family at all and the hurt and pain you might unleash on them if they find out?

If you do decide to go down the route of having extra marital sex to satisfy your physical desires, then I would urge you to choose a partner without commitments.

It is possible that your husband and the other wife may feel pain (or maybe they wouldnt - who knows, only them!) but if you end your marriage, which may leave you in difficulties financially, then again your husband may feel pain on being left.

Only you can decide what to do but believe me, having been in a similar position, I understand how you are feeling. I also know the fall-out is HUGE. Not just your husband, his wife but your children and other people will also get involved and possibly hurt. You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. So only you can decide if its worth the risk.

I don’t think you will be loved necessarily by this other man but you will be getting attention and excitement. It’s a big risk. Not to be rude but no one is getting any younger. Your husband may end it with you and then where would you be? It’s doubtful that the other man would leave his wife for you then you face old age on your own potentially. I’m sure these things start off sounding like a good idea and a convenient way to get a bit of excitement in your life but the chances are it will end in tears and those tears will be yours. Is it really all worth it? That besides the moral part of this. It’s up to you but I think you may live to regret going ahead with this affair.

I would also bear in mind that men and women think quite differently about these matters. I doubt the word love has crossed the mind of this other man. He will have one thing on his mind, I have no doubt about that. He might feed you a load of rubbish because men know what to say but I doubt it’s true. Most men do not leave their wife. If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel if your husband was contemplating an affair with someone? It’s not very nice really. I couldn’t be bothered either. True love and companionship are more important to me that the excitement of a bit of sex.

Just get divorced for goodness sake! You are being selfish and it will not end well.

Some people can live with their “best friend” or like a brother/sister relationship, but that’s only if you both feel the same. Sex/intimacy is clearly very important to you, we only live once and no one should have to live a lie. Having an affair with a married man is not a good idea ! However, some very direct conversations need to be had with your DH, even telling him what you have been contemplating, that’s how serious you are about not wanting to live a sexless life. Affairs may appear fun, however, how many stay that way before one of you starts to want more ?

Oh GrannyorNanny - you might end up with more than you can bargain for if you take up with someone else that is also married!
You say that it really won't worry you if you do decide to take up this man's offer, but what about his wife?
You talk about sex as if it is the be all and end all in a relationship - but what about companionship, caring, shared history and interests that also contribute to a relationship?
Are you also ready to take up the flack if you do start having sex with this other man and it goes wrong? Four people and two families will possibly be devastated for just, what often comes down to a few minutes of pleasure.
Suggest you use web sites such as Ann Summers or LoveHoney before you take this step !

Quite honestly if you're unsure don't. Affairs can cause such unhappiness although on a lighter note I bet there are many women who wish they had a lover 'waiting in the wings'! but not a married one.

Have you considered that your partner maybe asexual? Men who are asexual tend to hide it. Whether or not he is, I would tell him how you are feeling and if you plan to have sex with someone else, talk to him about it. Even if he has been less than honest with you, I would be honest with him.

Personally, I wouldn’t have sex with someone who was with someone else but I guess that is his issue.

Have u suggested to your husband that you would consider taking on a sex partner, maybe that might give him a kick , some people are happy for thst to happen if that is what is needed .