Am I selfish taking a lover?

GrannyOrNanny Thu 07-Nov-19 15:15:29
@Anyne else who is nasty in their replies to me I have chosen to ignore. Thanks to those who replied objectively, it is appreciated. Xx

If you ask a question such as “am I selfish?” You are presumably as ready for Yes answers as well as No
There is no objective option.

TBH I think it all sounds like either a fantasy or wind up, or, if genuine, frankly ridiculous.

Having been the injured party when my (now ex) husband decided to have an affair and started using online dating sites, I can say that it is one of the worst feelings in the world to discover that the person to whom you made marriage vows and who made those same vows to you is a cheat. The betrayal didn't end with his first affair. He went on to leave our (long) marriage and is now married to the woman he left me for.
Adultery destroys lives and yes, it is selfish to consider only your own needs. If you're unhappy in your marriage, talk to your husband instead of going behind his back. It's the adult thing to do.
I've moved on and am now happily single, though I don't know if I'll ever date again. I doubt I could trust anyone.

Maw, it's possible to tell someone that they are being selfish without being nasty about it, without getting wound up-

If you ask a question on an open forum, you are not going to like all the answers.

If you think you can separate love from sex...then give it a try.

You could change your mind on that one.

Just read this thread, and I agree with MawB. You ask are you being selfish? Bluntly 'Yes'

Do you already have someone waiting in the wings? Ready and able.

You make it sound easy. ‘Taking a Lover’.

Are they queuing up waiting to be chosen?

I wish!

I feel in asking this question you have not yet fully decided. You'll Know when you have.
I would say trust yourself, you'll known when you've made up your mind. Nobody else's option is ever going to 'feel right' for you.
Those that feel it's selfish, have not considered your husbands choice to opt out of this part of your relationship. I'm wondering if they would consider that selfish too?
Try to trust yourself, you'll know when the time is right.
I hope you find the emotional connection you seek.

Greciangirl Lets hope they are not queuing up for goodness sake as Ministry of Health states that STI figures for over 50s is rampant they state that you should get tested before embarking on new relationships and I quite agree.

I have a much lower sex drive han my husband but we have "worked" over many years to get us more in the middle. Unless you really want a man to satisfy you there are many options out there which does not involve infidelity. Yes, I think you are being selfish. It is tough to figure out the sexual aspects of our relationship.

It sounds like you have felt alone and starved of affection in your marriage, with your husband aware of how you feel, but taking no steps to reach out to you.

I can understand why the prospect of this other man being able to give you the love and affection you crave is such a pull.

If you do start an affair with him you may find that it is what you have been looking for, or that one of you wants more than the other feels able to give, taking into account marital situations. You might then have to deal with the fall out that brings.

This is not a judgement, but I do believe that there is something in sisterhood and not treading on another woman’s territory, but this just a personal thing.

I hope that you do find happiness which ever path you take because our time on this earth is too short to be living a half life.

Have you considered hiring a reputable male escort ? I don't know how much they charge but you would be wined and dined and your needs met by an expert and nobody would get hurt.

Watching a recent documentary about their service the majority of their clients are ladies in your situation.

Do you miss sex or intimacy?
An affair will give you sex. You might convince yourself for a while that sex = intimacy, but long term its not. Then you'll have had the sex but will still lack intimacy in your life

Of course, if its just about sex, an affair will give you that.

Maybe he is having a physical relationship elsewhere or just doesnt fancy you. If he is ok with you taking a lover then fine,if not then yes you are being selfish.

I think you may only be listening to the answers you want to hear. I think you are lonely and starved of warmth and affection and that’s a miserable position to be in, I’m sure.

Can you instigate at least some affection and warmth towards your husband yourself? Many a ‘cold’ marriage has been revived with only one of the partners making a supreme effort to inject the right ingredients into the situation over time until the detached partner overcomes their seeming indifference.

Infidelity has far reaching consequences, there is a price to pay for what may, or may not be a ‘solution’ to your problems.
You are asking 4 people to pay this price. I think it’s going to be very expensive if you are unfaithful, whatever the provocation.

In my "marriage" there has been no sex for 15 years I'm 60 now. Not any hugs or kisses either. To be honest if I had a lover I don't think I would call it being unfaithful.

After the life I’ve had with husbands I’d get divorced and do what you want, I’m sick of being taken for granted! If you’re not happy why stay? I’m making my own plans now but it definitely WON’T include a man!

No, I don’t think you are being selfish because I’m in the same position as you, except I have no potential lover waiting in the wings. We also live like brother and sister, his choice, but I have ‘made my bed...etc’ and will honour my marriage vows. Are you still in love with your husband? Probably not if you are thinking of being unfaithful. I still am in love with mine and the only person I want to make love with is him. I can’t bear to think I will never again be made love to and maybe this is how you feel, so, that is why I understand and don’t think you are selfish.

Another one in support of MawB, yes selfish and also, difficult to believe this is a genuine post.

As for the idea of hiring a male escort - yuk. Do us a favour. I don't mean to trivialise difficulties within life long relationships But I'd much prefer to walk my dogs and chat in our friendly dog walking community than spend an evening with a sex worker.

Yes, fully agree Startingover.

The OP cannot be responsible for making her OH behave affectionately towards her.

And witholding affection and intimacy is a betrayal of sorts in itself. And has nothing to do with "sex" drive!

People can work around missmatched SEX drives, if the affection and intimacy is there. But if its not, the person withdrawing from that side of the relationship is creating that distance regardless of whether or not the other partner finds it elsewhere

Bluebell I completely missed that point about the proposed guy being married..

In that case I feel very sorry for all the people she is going to hurt to secure her own happiness. Selfish? Absolutely! (As someone else pointed out there are single people out there.)

Sorry if that sounds harsh but she clearly has no sense of 'sisterhood'. I'm sure others will disagree with me but there you go.

@sparkly...no I’d never consider doing this. Not my thing at all.

I understand you. But I really advise you to try with your husband and not do this . I fell in love with a married man who left his wife for me . I left my husband. We both felt unappreciated . 8 months down the line he has gone back to his wife . I have cried and cried over this man. So I am now in a difficult position and by myself in a rented flat share . How I wish I'd have spoken to my husband about our issues.

@notanan...I miss both sex and intimacy. When I talk with the other man I get the intimacy then in what we chat about, etc. He is a very kind man and I like him very much. I believe we have the potential to make one another very happy....be it one afternoon every fortnight. I would feel happier having these feelings as opposed to not.

I guess we are all different at the end of the day.

@Junesun...oh we’ve talked at length and for years.....nothing changes....stays exactly the same.

I’m sorry to hear you fell for the other man. I have no intention of leaving mine whatsoever.