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Christmas Lunch

(102 Posts)
seasider Sun 17-Nov-19 10:12:41

Sorry if this is a bit long! Stepson came to live with us when he was 18. About 3 years later his girlfriend came for one night and never went home . They paid us £200 a month which included everything. After 2 years, due to rising costs, we asked them for an extra £40 a month so they moved into a flat.
They soon realised they could not save while renting so we said they could come back for a year and pay just £100 a month so they could save a deposit. They did well and now have their own home.
Over the years either myself or my adult daughter hosted Christmas Day and they both came. We even had his girlfriend's parents one year. Getting their own home coincided with stepson' s mother deciding she wanted them to go to her house for Christmas.
This year is the first Christmas Day they will be at home and they told us they have invited her parents and some friends of theirs. These friends might decline but they can't invite us until they know! Am I unreasonable in feeling a bit miffed??

storynanny Tue 19-Nov-19 10:32:03

No! I was actually told by my son that it is primarily a visit for A to see her family! It really is beyond belief isn’t it? Not just me being grumpy?

storynanny Tue 19-Nov-19 10:34:37

Now I’m feeling tearful all over again
My middle son lives overseas as well but visits once a year with his family, I go there once a year and we do regular FaceTime, it’s a completely different scenario with the eldest.

storynanny Tue 19-Nov-19 10:36:03

It’s not actually about Christmas lunch, it just seems a kick in the teeth to me and his family.

storynanny Tue 19-Nov-19 10:40:26

Sorry I’ve hijacked the thread! Lots of us in the same or similar boat it seems.
Eldest son is a high flying highly paid executive living a life of luxury with maids etc, a far cry from our life here which is just normal!
I had a super critical complaining mother in law but I was completely respectful and shared holidays etc equally with my parents.
Their dad and I were divorced many many years ago but there is no tension so can’t blame that! And the other 2 sons don’t have the same attitude to local family life at all.

annep1 Tue 19-Nov-19 16:37:52

Storynanny it's true. You are not alone. On reflection I have children who care and visit and one who never bothers.
And many others are the same. People are different and some children will be closer than others. You can't make someone feel differently. All you can do is know and show that you care and enjoy the times you do see family, and get on with your own life.

storynanny Tue 19-Nov-19 16:57:00

Absolutely annepl , you are so right. Fortunately I have 2 amazing step daughters with young families locally who I love dearly. Who wouldn’t dream of not including their in-laws.
Mantra.... everyone is different ( even if you brought them up to be considerate!)

bingo12 Tue 19-Nov-19 17:11:38

No good deed goes unrewarded.

storynanny Tue 19-Nov-19 18:09:44

I think it is a hard lesson to learn as parent of adult children, that they don’t automatically have similar ways of doing things as they grew up with.

annep1 Tue 19-Nov-19 21:06:01

It is. It takes a while to feel ok with it.

sylviann Wed 20-Nov-19 08:54:34

You've been too accommodating in the past so now they think you'll fall in with whatever they want,tell them how you feel and make your own plans for future Christmases

Hetty58 Wed 20-Nov-19 09:25:52

I don't think anyone should let themselves be upset by it all. Our kids are often tactless and brutally honest with us. I prefer it as I wouldn't want them to be polite and deceptive. Arrangements for Christmas are often a tricky balancing act with in-laws and friends to consider, too.

As we get old and doddery, there comes a time when we are no longer the host for dozens, but merely a guest elsewhere. It takes adaptation and lowering of expectations on all sides.

It's just a day to enjoy. There is no fairness or taking turns here. One child lives in NZ, another a three hour drive away, the third's partner doesn't host or cook - so it's always the fourth one we descend upon - but, luckily, she doesn't mind and enjoys it all.

My only contribution, these days, is to take them all out for a meal in December or January.

M0nica Wed 20-Nov-19 14:50:22

bingo12, I thought the saying was ^no good deed will go unpunished^smile

naheed Wed 20-Nov-19 16:03:47

I wouldn't do that if I were your step son, girlfriend or no girlfriend. If my girlfriend objected then I'd consider my relationship with her and her's with my family. For me it would be a red flag. But that's me and my way.

storynanny Wed 20-Nov-19 17:08:32

That’s a good point naheed

annep1 Wed 20-Nov-19 18:29:41

Lots of marriages are dominated by one partners wishes and it works for them. No point in starting to worry about it.

naheed Wed 20-Nov-19 19:09:52

And that's how the world becomes a worse place, annepl. What kind of person would tear or hurt families. A nice, considerate or a grateful one in this case wouldn't do that. For me, it's unacceptable. It's important to deal with it by noticing it, acknowledging it and not turn into such people who abuse their power to hurt family members. I'd be polite and pleasant to them but I wouldn't get close to them or expect anything from them. I'd live with my hurt but live it the best I can despite it all. I'm attracted to people who bring people together because they make our world a better place for all.

annep1 Wed 20-Nov-19 19:37:22

Naheed I just don't see the point in Storynanny worrying about her son's marriage. It won't help her to feel better and she wouldn't be thanked for interfering.
You can make the most of things and be happy Or you can be angry at circumstances and let it destroy your peace of mind.
My children are happy, that's the important thing.

naheed Wed 20-Nov-19 20:35:37

Healthy in the head and happy people won't disperse unhappiness and hurt around themselves. They do exist and people around them have to find civil ways to cope with it personally and take care not to make matters worse. Interfering, which you mention, is one of them. Fortunately, there are plenty of resources available to help us in these situations personally and to avoid conflicts/make matters worse.

we as daughters, sisters, wives, ex-wives, mothers, daughters in law, sisters in law, mothers in law have a choice to make things better or worse for our families. our real characters shine through our behaviours towards them.

annep1 Wed 20-Nov-19 20:41:04

I'm not sure what you're saying Naheed but I don't really want a debate.

naheed Wed 20-Nov-19 21:14:32

No problem, annepl

agnurse Wed 20-Nov-19 21:22:06

If you're saying that you should have been invited solely because you provided them with so much, what you're really saying is that:

1. Your gifts had strings attached to them. Therefore, they weren't really "gifts" at all.

2. You have a right to be at their home and in their lives.

These are adults. While I agree that it wasn't the best of manners to indicate that you were the plan B, who they invite to their home is their own business.

seasider Thu 21-Nov-19 01:13:20

Agnurse we don't intrude in their lives though we do stay in regular contact and get on well. We helped them to get on the property ladder so we could see them settled no for any reward.
I was just disappointed that when they decided to take their first turn at hosting Christmas Day they did not even thinks about inviting us and their sibling .
Storynanny I hope you manage to have a good Christmas.

annep1 Thu 21-Nov-19 04:43:01

Seasider I hope you both enjoy your Christmas day. Perhaps you could invite them for New Year. We sometimes go to my son's on NYs day.

storynanny Thu 21-Nov-19 08:03:39

Thank you we will. Local step families have 3 little ones so it’s always fun. You all too.

storynanny Thu 12-Dec-19 10:03:47

So just looking back on this thread and hope everyone is ok, I’ve just read a thread about estrangement and to be honest for one moment I felt like actually asking if eldest son if he had any interest at all in a relationship with me.
I’m feeling so down today as apparently they flew last night ( I only saw through a third party post on social media) and will be in same country as me but I won’t see them until my allocated slot in over a weeks time.
I need to get over this don’t I, and smile at all the other good things in my life.
Best wishes everyone and keep smiling!