Christmas nightmare

I don't think he's kind either. You are in pain and you don't feel like going somewhere where you won't be comfortable, emotionally or physically, and with people you don't like. You have told him, he sighs and walks away. That isn't kind.

Just say, as calmly as you can, that you weren't asked if you wanted to go, that you have not recovered and are still in a considerable amount of pain, that he can go on his own if he so wishes or he can give one of the tickets to someone who can accompany him or give away both of the tickets. It's his choice - and at least you're giving him a choice, which is more than he did when he made this thoughtless decision without consulting you.

In the circumstances I don't think this Christmas and any celebrations [whether involved in charity or not] are about your husband. It's you who are in pain and as you said, you don't want to go.
Then don't. He isn't the one in pain and on meds. This Christmas is about you healing, it's about him realising how unselfish you are and about appreciating you and your struggle with a serious health problem at your age. he should be helping you to maintain your future health and be attending to your needs, physical and emotional.
He can go with someone else. What's wrong with that. Then it's win, win.
If he can't agree then someone needs to have a word about bullying, being uncaring and selfish. I personally think his demands are unreasonable, verging on outrageous.

1. There has never been any evidence to show that donning a slinky dress staves off depression.

2. The lovely OP is not wallowing. I am taken aback by her fortitude.

Just a thought...it may be your husband is trying to lift you out of the deep depression you are obviously in. Whilst I sympathise with your pain - having been there and done that - maybe you should try and buy yourself a slinky dress, put makeup on your face and try! Maybe you might enjoy it instead of wallowing in your misery!

pinkquartz, there are numerous comments on medications.

They’re only a dangerous bandage that drs hand out so they don’t have to listen to us

Bbarm you are a very brave lady to even consider going. But in the end you do what you want to do. No wonder you felt very sleepy and poorly taking amiltriptolyn. I am on opioid patches so similar to morphine and must not take it while on the patches as it could cause me to me very ill or even die. Again alcohol will also react with morphine and make you ill.
Hopefully my spelling is better this time as I am sitting in the waiting room waiting to see the radiotherapist and feeling more relaxed than yesterday.

I am gobsmacked that some people think extra medication is the answer. Bbarb won't even know whether she feels up to it until the day itself. Under the circumstances, she should be free to change her mind entirely or leave early!

inkcog

I am not sure which posts are giving medical advice?
I am warning against alcohol and morphine....it's on the instructions
and also both myself and the OP have had side effects with Amitryptyline.
It is not a good idea to take a drug if you have side effects like this.

Hear, hear, inkcog.

I'm sorry but yet again I must ask that people do not give out medical advice.

We are not doctors. This myth that GP's " dish out" antidepressants is all wrong. Nobody is dishing anything out.

Would a diabetic be denied insulin and told to tough it out?
Nobody apart from a qualified doctor and/or psychiatrist should be giving medical advice. It's downright dangerous.

My answer won’t be popular but it’s from the heart. I too live with a selfish man without empathy - I have cancer, Lupus and liver disease and he doesn’t lift a finger to help with anything. He too “leaves” the conversation. So I understand your pain and frustration.
I will tell you....you are not a child. You are perfectly capable of making your own decisions whether they are popular or not. If you truly do NOT wish to go, then don’t! You don’t need his permission to stay home. You don’t need to explain WHY as he knows why, he just wants to bully and guilt you into doing something that he wants to do. And inviting others without discussing it with you first, especially as he most probably knows you dislike that couple, is highly suspect. I would just tell him you aren’t quite well enough yet to endure such an event and as he didn’t discuss the plans with you first he should go alone or ask a friend to join him. You don’t need any excuses and he isn’t listening anyway. Don’t bring up the expense or your health or your lack of clothing. You are a grown woman - he is not your parent. I guarantee he will argue pout and act like a 2 yr old. But it will be a wake up call for him that he cannot manipulate you anymore. I know this because I did it and told my narcissistic husband I would no longer tolerate this bad behavior. And my life is better. Much better. He hasn’t changed, but I have and am much happier without “Daddy” telling me what to do. I just wish I had done it sooner. I wish you good health and much happiness in your future. And please, think about why you feel depressed before giving in to antidepressants. They’re only a dangerous bandage that drs hand out so they don’t have to listen to us. Blessed be ♥️

OP

it is not ok to drink and take morphine.
I did say that Amitryptline made me drowsy and you have said it made you drowsy.
I said it made me more stupid and you said it made you unable to stand up for yourself.
I don't think this is a good idea to go ut and even drink a little bit..

So many posters with back pain also think it is not a good idea.
yes you have signaled to your DH that you feel better than you do by baking cake, xmas decorations up etc. big mistake really.
tell him you did that but now you know that you have reached your limit.

You come first especially with what you are going and been through.
Your dh clearly isn`t seeing the bigger picture and a bit pathetic stomping off when you mention it.
DONT GO.

Could the GP have a word and tell husband to wake up to reality?

Oh my goodness, you’re 81!! This is so ridiculous Bbarb, you going to this function should NEVER have been on the cards. You could so easily go right back to where you started when you first had your accident. Please don’t go, and make sure your husband gets it. He can still go, and like someone else said, the charity has their money, so it’s not for you to feel bad about. Look after yourself, if you can’t rest and take it easy now, it’s a pretty poor show.

I really feel for you Bbarb as does everyone else on here. You shouldn’t go if you don’t want to. If you end up bursting into tears when explaining to you DH that you can’t face it so be it. Maybe he’ll think a bit more carefully in the future before buying tickets for events without discussing it first. The worst thing about this is being expected to go with a couple you can’t stand. Surely he knew that? You are not in the wrong and not being unreasonable. You say the event is a charity evening so just consider it as a generous donation to the charity rather than wasted tickets.
Maybe your daughter will help support your decision when she visits?
Let us know what you decide

I think the problem is that you have put up decorations, made a Christmas cake and pudding. This is what your DH sees, you doing normal things. So he puts on his blinkers and says DW is back to normal. I have a chronic lung condition which in the past year has made me very very breathless. I don't think my DH understood how I felt, how could he? Until a few days after he had an minor operation he had breathing problems , this lasted for about a week. Well now he knows! Tell your DH to walk a mile in your shoes, you probably couldn't even walk a mile with the pain you're in .

I am heartened to see more people speaking up here. This touches me personally as I have back problems. I can't think of mush worse than painting on a smile and talking to people I don't like at an event I can't afford and I don't want to attend.

Please please don't go. Stay in the warm with some nice music and mince pie.

Bbarb, I take my hat off to you! You are 81 years old and broke your back just a few months ago ... you are pain, but have still made the effort to put up decorations, and do preparations for Christmas because your husband loves the season.

It seems that your husband is oblivious to what you are actually going through, but he needs to be told. It's no wonder that you are feeling tired and depressed. I do also think that when people get older, they can become very selfish in their ways, and it sounds like this is your husband. If you can't bring yourself to tell him how it really is for you, then you really should get your daughter to have a frank discussion with him ... maybe if it comes from someone else, rather than you, it may start to sink in a little ...?

Either way, if you don't feel up to going to the charity ball, which is totally understandable, you should tell him sooner rather than later. You shouldn't be stressing about going to an event with people you don't even like, or worrying about what to wear when, in fact, the real issue is that you're not up to going. Take time to recover properly, and don't do anything that you know yourself could hinder your progress.

Don’t go.

Your husband is being an arse. Tell him so. You are unwell. On morphine. Taking more meds to attend some charity event does not sound charitable. He can take someone else or go alone. It won’t kill him. But it might well do your back in. Hope you recover fully soon,

*Bbarb
"I haven't had any alcohol since the morphine started though I possibly will at Christmas."*

I broke my back in Afghanistan (thanks Taliban) back in 2015 and have been on morphine and other heavy duty pain medication since then. At an important family 'do' in 2017 I thought it would be OK to have a wee glass of champagne. First alcohol since 2015 and most definitely the only drop I would ever try again.
I know one poster commented that we shouldn't give medical advice and I agree, however PLEASE BE REALLY CAREFUL if you decide to drink during the holiday period. I was so ill after 1 glass of champagne which I had sipped warily over an hour. It was like the worst hangover ever and lasted for nearly 3 days. I'm not saying this will happen to you but do take care. At the time I was only on morphine so I can't really blame any other drug.
As for the posh do - I'm with the NO posters. I've been in pain for 4 years and there's not a snowball's chance in hell that I would go out to a night like that.
Hang in there Bbarb

Bbarb I’m so sorry to read of your back problems. The Christmas preparations you have done are amazing given your situation. One thing I have learnt (from my own personal experience with serious health issues) is you must take care of yourself - that is your priority. We woman instinctively put others first - we're the carers, whether it’s children, grandchildren, partners etc but we have to look after ourselves. I do hope you’ll be feeling better soon. Personally, I wouldn’t go unless I thought it would help me feel better mentally by going to a nice place.

I think @Namsnanny has it right - show him this thread! He's obviously either an ostrich with his head firmly in the sand, or an unfeeling ass. Don't go, you could really mess up the progress you've made, and for what? To spend a night you're not looking forward to with people you dislike? That's just crazy. Hugs for you.

Oh dear ...I had a similar problem with my late husband ...didn't want to listen (I e when I had cancer three times and chemo, etc etc he told me to shut up as I was making it all up !) my problem was opposite though...on my 60th birthday I wanted to go to a dinner dance. He said NO I am not dressing up as a penguin ..you can go on your own !!) fantastic ! so I went to Paris by myself and thoroughly enjoyed shopping and seeing friends (I lived in France ) SO my advice to you would be ….say it was VERY thoughtful and kind of him to try to make you happy and that you do appreciate it but don't want to let him down by not enjoying the evening (you can lay it on thick) then check with your doc it is ok and book a health spa for a weekend (he can pay ..maybe for you and a friend or relative !) and a new hair do and make up and outfit …...explain to the other couple you have health problems and although you can attend, you cannot participate very well !....that may make him less unsympathetic ...the thought (even if not true) that you DO want to try for him, but may (don't say WONT BE ABLE) want to take part ..…..see what happens when you put that to him !