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Christmas nightmare

(166 Posts)
Bbarb Tue 10-Dec-19 21:14:58

I broke my back in the summer but have now almost recovered, except that I am in pain all the time and feel tired and depressed and have no sense of looking forward to Christmas. I have put up decorations, made the cake and pudding because my OH loves the season. But he's dropped me right in it and I just can't tell him ...
Its so trivial, but he's bought 2 expensive tickets which we can't afford, for a charity 'party' at a posh hotel along with another couple who I can't stand - and I so much don't want to go I'm on the verge of crying with frustration.
I've lost weight so I weigh just 7stone and have nothing to wear that fits but I don't know how to explain to him although I've tried - he just says I have lots of nice clothes. I still have incipient backache all the time and am on morphine, but cannot last through the night without waking up in pain.
If I try to say how hard I'm finding things he sighs and walks out of the room - he has no empathy and I'm in despair.
ps I have tried talking to my GP but he just offers anti depressants.

PamelaJ1 Tue 10-Dec-19 21:23:41

You say it’s trivial but it sounds to me that it’s the straw that broke the camels back.
I have no solution but send?

Feelingmyage55 Tue 10-Dec-19 21:34:34

Certain anti depressants act as pain relief, helping the muscles to relax. They may not completely relieve the pain but can help enough to make the pain tolerable as opposed to how you feel just now. It sounds bad enough to give them a try. You don’t have to take them forever. Have you been offered a TENS machine? Very helpful, but must be set up properly. A combination of things that all help a little may take you into the tolerable zone. Also the cold, damp weather will not be helping. As you are healing, you are also doing more. I hope you find a solution. Good luck.

Starblaze Tue 10-Dec-19 21:43:25

I just wanted to tell you, you don't have to go. Doesn't matter if it was expensive or if its for charity, you can choose to put yourself first and say no

rosenoir Tue 10-Dec-19 21:46:07

I think it would help if you decide what you are going to do, either accept you are going and try to borrow/buy an outfit or have a conversation with your husband saying that you are not going . Thinking about it for days is going to make you upset and angry.

Sorry about your pain, I do hope you get some relief soon.

Moocow Tue 10-Dec-19 21:46:11

What would he say if you suggested he ask a relative or friend along in your place? He obviously has no idea of what you are going through because you do not have visible illness/trama so cannot understand what you are going through. You have managed to do a lot of preparation for Christmas so he probably thinks you can carry on as usual if you want to. You have my sympathies Bbarb.

Gonegirl Tue 10-Dec-19 22:15:59

You say "OH". Not DH.

The answer is clear.

NotTooOld Tue 10-Dec-19 22:18:53

I should go. He's being kind. Take the medication and get him to go with you to buy a new outfit. It won't be as bad as you think and it might just cheer you up.

Shelmiss Tue 10-Dec-19 22:26:14

I don’t think he’s “being kind” at all, I think he’s being appallingly selfish. He doesn’t listen to her when Bbarb tries to tell him how she feels and walks out of the room,

I don’t know what to suggest Bbarb but I feel for you. flowers

Barmeyoldbat Tue 10-Dec-19 22:31:17

Back pain is in my mind one of the worse pain ou can have. You can't sit for long, you can't really lift or stand.

Please be kind to yourself you are still recovering and really need to just rest and take it easy. Let your husband know exactly how you feel and maybe see if someone else would like the tickets. However much your husband is looking forward to it he
I think our husband doesn't realise how bad you feel as he has seen you cope with the preparations for Christmas. Tell him and take it easy. Hugs.

JenniferEccles Tue 10-Dec-19 22:33:57

He most certainly is not kind. He sighs and walks out of the room when poor Bbarb tries to talk to him about how much pain she is in.

I think you need to make him listen. The evening sounds a nightmare to me and it’s totally unreasonable for him to not consider your situation.

Jaycee5 Tue 10-Dec-19 22:37:47

You say that your doctor has 'just' offered anti-depressants but that might because he thinks it is the best treatment for you. You don't have to take them for long but I would give them a try. They are not like the old valiuma and lithium that people used to take and they can help you get through a difficult time.
So far as the party is concerned, I have been in the position of being pushed into a social even when I wasn't up to it and it was awful. I was also dealing with people with no empathy. I wish that I had been firmer but unfortunately it is when you don't have the strength to do that that people can be most pushy.
It is difficult when it is someone you are living with and who should be understanding.
It is hard to get people to take back pain seriously but you did actually break it so it is not as if he isn't aware.
I would try the anti-depressants for a week and tell him that you are taking them but that you don't know if you are going to be able to go to the party, then in a week's time, (or however long you have) make the decision and tell him. I doubt he would be any happier if you went but had to leave early.
I think it is one of those situations which doesn't really have a right answer as you know that he will be put out if you don't go but you will be over-stressed and unhappy if you do. All I can say is that I wish I had stood up for myself but I can understand if you can't. Would it just be the one night that you would have to get through or is there going to be more difficulties to get through with Christmas? Health is something to be protected so take that seriously.

Namsnanny Tue 10-Dec-19 22:59:01

Bbarb ….He doesn't get it does he?

I'm so sorry you're going through such a bad time. flowers

Please think of yourself. Its not being selfish to consider all the difficulties you are under.

Is there anything you could or would like to do socially?

If there is, tell him you'd rather do such and such because it's more to your liking and your body can cope with it.

If there is nobody you want to see and nothing you want to do, then don't.

Please don't push yourself. Your health and recovery comes first.
If you came to harm (slipping, sitting badly, just about anything) whilst going out just because he wants to, you would never forgive yourself for putting yourself in harms way.

He clearly doesn't understand the ramifications of what has happened to you, therefore IMV its reckless of him to make decisions on your behalf.

I wouldn't ever invite people my husband didn't like out, nor would I expect him to do anything he didn't feel capable of.

Show your husband this thread.

Good luck shamrock

Namsnanny Tue 10-Dec-19 23:06:08

If your husband tries couldn't he re sale the tickets, then you don't have to worry about the expense?

Chestnut Tue 10-Dec-19 23:16:59

Only you know what your limits are, and if you feel that event will be too much for you then just don't go! Suggest someone takes your place but stay firm. Your health and peace of mind come first.

merlotgran Tue 10-Dec-19 23:27:41

You broke your back not very long ago, you're on morphine and he wants you to go to a charity bash at a posh hotel and by the sound of it won't take no for an answer?

What a selfish so and so he is. Let him go without you, stay home and treat yourself to a takeaway, a bottle of something nice and something you want to watch on the telly.

Make sure he pulls his weight over Christmas as well.

Fiachna50 Wed 11-Dec-19 02:51:38

You are recovering from a broken back, in pain, but your husband is expecting you to attend a Christmas do where I assume you will be expected to sit for hours and will he be expecting you to dance? He's having a laugh. Im sorry but you need to tell him you are in alot of pain and will not be able to attend this function as you just don't feel up to it. If he walks away and sighs-let him. I'm sure if he was in your situation, youd be expected to offer sympathy and run about after him! He is a selfish, self centred man. If you have adult children can you not get them to talk to their father? If he won't listen or believe you are in all this pain, Im sure they would and can perhaps explain to Dad just how much agony you are in. I've never heard the like. Tell him straight you are not up to this, if he does not like it-tough. Please return to your GP regarding the back pain and ask if they will refer you to some kind of pain management clinic, break down and cry and tell them just how bad it is. Wishing you the very best and hope you will get some relief from your pain. So sorry you are in this situation.

EllanVannin Wed 11-Dec-19 06:43:17

I don't see the problem. The answer would be a firm NO !

Sillygrandma5GK Wed 11-Dec-19 07:15:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

musicposy Wed 11-Dec-19 07:35:00

I was also going to suggest going back to the GP and discussing amitriptyline. It's an older antidepressant but they mainly prescribe it for pain relief now. I had it for chronic severe stomach pain after a bout of pancreatitis and it really helped because it lifted my mood into the bargain. It takes a couple of weeks to work. Also, do. please be brave and talk to them about your weight. I've been there too and know you will be feeling ill and unwell and low just by having so little weight on you - your body won't be functioning well. Get the GP support.

In the meanwhile, hold firm on the charity do if you don't want to go. Let him resell the tickets or take a friend/ family member instead.

wildswan16 Wed 11-Dec-19 07:56:01

You will feel better (about the charity do) when you have made a firm decision. It sounds like it is just too much for you and even if it makes your husband cross, I think you should say very simply that you cannot contemplate going - not because you have nothing to wear, but because you are exhausted, in pain and would be miserable.

How your husband reacts is up to him. You could even phone the other couple and explain to them that you are simply not well enough. Leave it up to the other three to decide what to do.

Maybe he thought he was being kind, giving you a treat after your dreadful year. (Men sometimes/often get it wrong). Having major trauma does not only take it out on the body, but on the brain and emotions as well. Give yourself time to recover. flowers.

Iwastoldtheredbecake Wed 11-Dec-19 08:02:09

You poor thing, you say you are almost recovered, but you are still on Morphine, this means that you haven’t ‘almost recovered’ and pushing yourself too much will make the healing process take longer. Take it easy, listen to your body and if that means not doing much for Christmas or whatever else you would normally do then that is what you will have to do. Any jolt or slip could set you back weeks. Let him go on his own or take a friend, if he refuses to understand then you must stand firm. Feeling under pressure to get back to normal will make you feel depressed, just let your body heal in its own time. I didn’t break my back, but my back operation took way longer to get over than I thought and the Morphine was great but had some side effects including making me tearful and anxious. I hope you get better very soon, but be kind to yourself.

Daisymae Wed 11-Dec-19 08:35:30

You don't have to go. Because he can't see the injury, he does not have to think about it.
You need to tell him what you have written in your post. He had put you in a very difficult position, but the solution lies within your hands.

mcem Wed 11-Dec-19 08:47:31

Don't pander to him.
Make it absolutely clear that you can't go.
It isn't about letting him down gently or about preferring to stay at home.
No shades of grey and compromise!
Tell him you've thought about and are disappointed that he can't see it for himself but you simply can't go!

Hermia46 Wed 11-Dec-19 09:44:44

Dig your heels in on this one. The boot in our house is on the other foot, DH is very unwell with hidden condition, so I do all the chores, caring etc., until I say NO. There is a limit to how much you can/have done, and he needs to understand that limit. It is grossly unfair on you to chose his 'fun' things that make it nigh on impossible for you to enjoy.