Christmas nightmare

Bbarb... You need to put your foot down and tell your husband you can't possibly go, stating the reasons why. I've been in a very similar situation and the whole evening was dreadful. There's nothing worse than trying to be nice to someone you can't stand, it also impacts on your own self esteem as you've compromised your own standards. You've given in to something to please someone else, Making yourself feel unimportant. You need to put yourself first, no doubt you've had a life time of putting others first, now it's your turn.

Bbarb - You sounded so much more cheerful in your last post, which is obviously due to taking control of the situation and having been encouraged by other Grans. As far as buying a new frock! I work in a charity shop, sorting out donations, some of which are new clothes which still have their tags attached. I would definitely recommend you pay a visit to your local charity shops, before spending out unnecessarily. I am quite stylish and have bought some lovely tops and jackets, which I often get complimented on. I do hope you enjoy the evening and that your OH is supportive and the couple turn out to be good company on this occasion. Let us know how it goes. Take care and best wishes for a speedy recovery.

Just tell him you're not up to it and he will have to go alone. Plus in future, he should check with you first before making arrangements on your behalf.

I have one ruptured spinal disc, 3 compressed discs, back spasms and awful pain Bbarb, no, YANBU.

Sitting up at a social event you might have to put your best effort into when you don’t want to, is enough to make anyone with severe back pain to want to lie down to ease it!

Someone else suggested writing it down for your DH, that you don’t want to go. Also, it will give him time to sell his tickets or find a friend to take along.

Good luck, and rest your painful back.

I am glad you have made a decision. I hope it goes well and those awful other people don't spoil things for you.
A new frock might cheer you . I found one at TKMax which was cheap and gave me a huge boost. Not that I had a broken back but was feeling low at the time.

Constant pain is very debilitating mentally.

Aw, bless you Inkcog! No need to worry, all you lovely Grans have cheered me up. How weird, a similar thing happened to me re an inheritance.
I have actually been buoyed up by the replies and now think I was craving kindness and understanding because I felt alone and ignored. The few 'buck-yourself up' messages have given me some backbone (sorry ) and I now acknowledge I'd let my OH bully me for some months. Through my own physical weakness and misery I'd become depressed and self centred, I've told him (as I said) I'll go to his party on the understanding that we come home when I've had enough. And as I won't be drinking because of the meds, I'll have the car keys!

Bbarb, genuinely my heart goes out to you. We are hard up, even more so since my mother has willed somebody else my inheritance.

Not everybody here has loads of dosh.

I beg you, if you have made this decision at the very least go back to the doctors about your low mood.
I get a very bad feeling about this Christmas event. Sorry but I do.

I've been reading through all these messages, thank you to those who expressed empathy, and thank you also to the few who told me to (more or less) toughen up and go to the party in spite of things.
I've decided we're going, on the understanding we come home early if I find it all too much.
We really are hard up, we really cannot afford to splash out on a new outfit. Its a subject I find difficult to discuss on forums like this as son many of you are happily retired on a good pension. We are both still working at 80 and I see no let-up. We don't starve, we have money for Christmas gifts and food on the table.
My husband was a fool to be talked into buying these tickets and it would be sheer pride and the inability to say NO.
I cann't understand men, I have no trouble is telling female friends and acquaintances that I am declining invitations because of lack of funds. I see no shame in it.
Anyway - thank you all for your replies - much appreciated.

You are so right about that mumof and inkcog. I think there's a lot of misunderstanding about antidepressants. They are a valuable medicine and shouldn't be overlooked. They won't be dished out like sweets.

Tell him you are sorry but that you are not willing to compromise your health for the sake of a social occasion and neither should he be!

Oh thank you so much for your wisdom, mumof.

It upsets me so much.

Nobody gets a medal for soldiering on with depression.

A person breaks their legs in a skiing accident, do we praise them for hobbling about without help?

MH is exactly the same. Nobody asks for depression.

'And please think about antidepressants before you give in to them. They are a dangerous bondage that GP's dish out so they don't have to listen to patients' As a retired GP myself I think this is rubbish Booksnbeer and agree wholeheartedly with inkcog. You don't 'give in' to antidepressants. If you need them you should take them. The majority of GPs do listen and prescribing antidepressants is a considered choice. When you said you are retired from the medical profession I find this hard to believe unless you are considerably older than me and worked in a different era.

I think you have to decide how you are going to live.
do you want to carry on treating your husband like a child who has to be indulged. why didn't he put up the decorations. and order in xmas cake and pudding.
are you really very hard up, or just in the habit of scrimping and saving, in which case, reconsider.
why cannot you tell him clearly that you are not going.
sorry I don't mean to sound critical. but so many of us on here really feel for you, and it's always easier to see what other people should do; the onlookers see more of the play.
read up on co-dependency. value your self.
as someone else said, you don't have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
ie you don't have to damage yourself, ignore, ride roughshod over your needs, in order to give precedence to someone else's wishes. needs trump wishes. irrelevant whose they are.
what advice would you give to your daughter in the same situation.

Notthatooldyet

I don't know how long it took for you to feel better and free of your depression. Every person is different and I think people recover in different ways and different time scales.

Did YOU make the decision to go out to a party or did someone else make it on your behalf without discussing it with you? Were you guilt-tripped into attending, on the grounds that a lot of money had been spent? How soon after your injury did you decide to go to a party? Don't you think a party sounds more relaxed and friendly than a formal event where a certain level of formal dress is likely to be required? And would you really, on your first venture out, choose to go with people you don't like and don't feel comfortable with?

I have a damaged spine
I have suffered from depression
You can sit indoors in pain
Or go out - your choice
At my worst i decided if i was going to die it might as well be out at a party
But i went
And didn't die
And i improved my muscles and pain tolerence
You are slim and gorgeous
Wear anything too big off the shoulder with a wide belt
Who knows
You might have fun and find its the start of a recovery ...

He is being very ignorant and selfish. It will be nigh impossible for you to sit still that long. It's alright for him it's not him in pain. I bet he wouldn't go if the rest were reversed. Tell him very firmly. As for the expense it was very silly of him to buy tickets without checking you were up for it first. Good luck x

OK, do you know what? I couldn't care less. Thank Goodness my doctor is capable of both listening and prescribing. My concern was genuine but I just can't be bothered any more.

I do not feel it is appropriate for people to reel off conflicting advice to people who may be susceptible. I think this site should be moderated and should provide a header with some useful contacts . They have a duty of care to posters.

It's as well to remember that there are active moderators on this site, and if anyone feels another poster is posting dangerous advice one can report a post and allow the staff to make a judgement. Otherwise I think we're all aware that opinions posted are just opinions, medical or otherwise.

How interesting, please provide some more information. Many thanks.

What is the correct terminology?

Inkcog - this isn’t about you, and unless your are a trustee to this website you do not have rights to tell others what they can or cannot say here. It’s a give and take of advice. I am retired from the medical profession and know what many of them do. And “GP” went out years ago. Your input was not helpful.

Grammaretto So if your husband had broken his back - a frightening experience in itself -and was still being prescribed morphine for the pain, would you book tickets for an event which might be overwhelming for him, without asking his opinion?

Why should the OP "put in appearance" at something which, for a number of reasons, she doesn't feel up to attending?

I was thinking that too ExperiencedNotOld
My DH is suffering and I want him to be back to normal although I know in my heart he never will be.
Perhaps the DH of OP is feeling like I am.
He will understand her wishes, I'm sure, but she needs to know what she wants.
I think if you can manage to put in an appearance, the adrenaline might keep your spirits up Bbarb
But don't try and dance....yet.

So he could have said something like " this has been so hard seeing you like this. I'm so sorry. Would a little trip out somewhere nice help at all?"

Have you considered what impact the shock of your injury and the painful and long recovery might have had on him.? OH may have been a bit thoughtless but perhaps he’s just desperate for some normality.