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AIBU

Am I Jealous or is this normal?

(84 Posts)
FridayIsComing Tue 14-Jan-20 00:03:38

Hi everyone,

I am in a bit of a difficult situation atm. My DH brother is getting married. He is a good guy and i was really pleased about this.
DH comes from a catholic family. I am a christian with some beliefs but wanting to become more religious especially when i have children but not necessarily Catholic religious. I hope i am not causing any offence with my terminology.
Mil refused to accept our relationship and pulled a number of stunts to try and cancel the wedding. It was a long and tiresome process. In the end we got married 5 years ago and i spent 3 years trying to fit in. Anyway we have a LO now and this has helped relationship with Mil.
This is where it gets complicated.
Dh’s brother is marrying an atheist. Mil meets her for the first time and says “If you are happy and my son is happy then i am happy”. She then happily talks wedding clothes and venues. Not minding if it not a church wedding but saying her preference would be to have a church wedding. Mil doesnt realise o heard this as i overheard on the baby monitor!!
When we got married we had to have a second wedding in a church, three days after our real wedding so mil would be happy!!
Anyway i am livid. I told dh how i felt n he said i am holding grudges and i should be glad his brother is not experiencing the problems we endured just to keep the peace. But he did say he too felt a pang of hurt but his overall opinion is that he is happy for his brother. I am too but i feel sadness for myself.
I feel any progress i made with MIL has become undone. I just wish i didn't care but this is a new level of rejection by mil.
Mil has recently lost her mother so dh is saying this has softened her.
Anyway AIBU to feel hurt or am i in fact jealous? I dont think i am jealous as it is a horrible trait.

Hetty58 Tue 14-Jan-20 00:10:44

You can't compare the past with the present situation. Your MIL has become more reasonable (or lowered her standards) since your marriage, that's all.

Maybe you suspect that she gets along better with (or likes more) her new DIL to be? Does it really matter? It could be that she's just learned to keep her opinions to herself though.

MissAdventure Tue 14-Jan-20 00:13:48

I think losing her mum probably has softened your mother in laws edges.
Bereavement has a way of teaching people what is important in life.

FridayIsComing Tue 14-Jan-20 00:16:17

Mil said the line about being happy if they are happy within 5 minutes of meeting her so i dont think she knew her long enough to like her.
I am glad Bil n his wife to be are having a smooth ride. But the deep hurt and obstacles dh n i went through before our wedding and after was horrific all because i was not catholic.
I think mil has learnt to be better about this but i feel i am reliving every difficulty every-time i see how open and accepting she is of her new dil.

Buffybee Tue 14-Jan-20 00:16:53

I can’t say whether you are hurt or jealous but I would be annoyed with Mil, after all the palaver you'd had to go through for your wedding to suit her and now for her other Son, it’s all fine.
After saying the above, I really don’t think that you should pander so much to your Mil, you and your husband have your own family now and your unit should come first, before anyone else.

FridayIsComing Tue 14-Jan-20 00:19:25

We dont pander to mil anymore. We do a bit but not so much as before. Mil has reined it in since the arrival of LO. i just dread the whole wedding lead up as it brings up horrible memories. I dont want new sil or anyone to think i am jealous. This is purely a mil problem.

sharon103 Tue 14-Jan-20 00:20:59

Mother-in-law in those 5 years since you married has perhaps mellowed with age. Maybe she has realised she was harsh on you and your husband and was wrong in her demands but is too proud to admit and say sorry for the hurt she caused.
Times change.

Mbra12 Tue 14-Jan-20 00:34:06

Nearly 50 years ago my parents thought it was horrendous that we might be having sex before marriage. They insisted that we got married immediately. We didn’t as waited until graduation. Roll forward a few years and my married aunt meets another man and lives ‘in sin’ and now they think it is ok. Despite the earlier issues we always got on well with my parents and had loads of fun together. Times and attitudes change.

FridayIsComing Tue 14-Jan-20 00:39:26

Yes i know its a case of attitudes changing over time. I understand this logic. But i cant help but feel angry and hurt when i sit through this new embracing attitude from mil. Its such a negative place to be and i cant snap out of it.

MissAdventure Tue 14-Jan-20 00:45:00

Have you thought of writing it all down; really saying what you think, and then burning the letter?
That's supposed to be a good way of getting these thoughts out in a safe way, and the burning is symbolic of something or other..

V3ra Tue 14-Jan-20 00:52:59

You were breaking the mould!
I had a far harder time as a teenager than my sister, five years younger, did. I was "breaking up the family unit" when I wanted to go out with my friends. Sister had none of that as they'd got used to it by then.
Try and see it as a compliment to you as a daughter in law: you may not be a Catholic, but you've proved to be a good member of the family so they're happy to welcome the new daughter in law. This new girl has had her battles fought for her!
Yes it's unfair and annoying, but try to enjoy the wedding (no hassles for you this time hopefully) and make a friend and ally of your new sister in law.
My mother in law was the archetypal matriarch and my husband is her youngest. I've had to be firm and stand my ground with her many times over the years but we get on absolutely fine now.

BradfordLass72 Tue 14-Jan-20 05:48:01

Its such a negative place to be and i cant snap out of it.

I was in much the same position as you, so I can talk with a wee bit of experience.

I think it's YOU who have softened Mil. She was against you as a non-Catholic but you have proved to be a good wife and made her son happy.

She's far too stubborn to admit it but she's learned her lesson and that she was wrong and is determined not to make the same hurtful mistake now.

In my case, my Catholic mil was kindness itself to me, a Baptist who would have loved a church wedding.

It was MY parents who threatend to boycott the wedding (and in fact did ruin my wedding day with their bigotry by forcing us to a Registry Office.)

When my first son arrived, they were all sweetness and light as if they'd never caused such heartbreak but not once did they ever apologise. I went along with it but to this day, what they did, still hurts.

Don't let this eat away at you. I really believe it is your goodness that's turned her attitude around. flowers

SirChenjin Tue 14-Jan-20 07:38:02

Your MiL may have realised that her behaviour with you was inappropriate so has mellowed a bit - although she’s still an arse for telling your BiL and his fiancée what her preference is as her preferences are irrelevant. It’s not her wedding and she needs to learn that just because she thinks something doesn’t mean she has to say it.

H1954 Tue 14-Jan-20 07:54:03

Some time has passed between you and your OH getting married and this forthcoming wedding; maybe MIL has "mellowed" a bit?

I would leave well alone, rise above it and don't get involved; MIL might just change her tack and you certainly do not want to be in the firing line do you?

I do understand that you feel hurt by all this, we all want to be treated fairly within a family unit and sadly this is not always the case.

Let this go, enjoy your life and don't stress over the potential problems of others. Warm wishes.

Daisymae Tue 14-Jan-20 07:58:36

I can't help think that it's odd that the first time your mil and new sister in law meet is when the marriage is announced. I imagine that there's a different relationship with her sons - you need to put it behind you. But as has been said, start to stand up to her.

BlueBelle Tue 14-Jan-20 08:00:09

Oh let it go tell yourself she has learned by her mistakes with you It really isn’t worth holding on to and will only eat away at you
Life is never equal I know my last born had a more relaxed life than my first born it’s natural you are a beginner you’re looking to do everything right with the first, by the third or fourth you are lucky to get five minutes in the loo let alone be as vigilant
By the way LO means nothing to me did you give birth to a lovely ostrich 😂😂😂

Eglantine21 Tue 14-Jan-20 08:29:39

I think you should take it as a massive, massive compliment. She had all kinds of prejudices when she met you and over time, through being the person you are, you have shown her how wrong and silly they were. She is a better person because of you!

You can’t get a much better accolade in life than that. Well done you!😄

timetogo2016 Tue 14-Jan-20 08:29:46

I actually think FridayIsComing you taught your MIL a lesson.
And even if she hasn`t said it to you it`s clear to me you have made her look at herself and her attitude to you and your DH
was rather naughty and childish.

Grannyknot Tue 14-Jan-20 08:34:14

Crikey! Just be happy for everyone involved, give your husband a break, live your life, and above all - please move on!

sodapop Tue 14-Jan-20 08:37:47

I agree with others Fridayiscoming your mother in law has mellowed and that has probably been down in part to you and your husband. You have made things easier for your brother in law, well done. Don't be resentful be glad you have helped to bring about this change.

ToniSH Tue 14-Jan-20 08:58:44

Slightly different from what others are saying - You are allowed to feel upset; she spoilt your wedding a little by inserting her wishes and displeasure into the proceedings. She also made you feel very unwelcome.
However, that's nothing to do with DH Brother and wife-to-be so you have to keep that separate.
With regard to the MIL, just see if her attitude to you softens. If it doesn't, just be civil and don't kill yourself trying to please her.

curvygran950 Tue 14-Jan-20 09:28:35

I agree with ToniSH.
Would it ever be possible for you to have some time alone and quietly with MiL - meet for coffee/tea/ walk in the park- and tell her how you feel ? Perhaps it would be a chance to get to know each other better and mend the rift between you ....just a thought.

Bathsheba Tue 14-Jan-20 09:31:13

I wonder whether your MiL always felt somehow 'accountable' to her own mother, responsible for upholding the Catholic faith in her sons? Maybe her mother was very much the matriarch in the family, with everyone following her lead, staying in the faith, afraid to deviate from the expectations placed on them.

She may well have felt mortified at the thought of having to tell her mother that her beloved grandson was about to marry outside the faith and this could have seriously coloured her attitude to you. But now, with her mother no longer in the picture, your MiL is able to feel much more relaxed, and able to accept your BiL's fiancee more willingly.

Luckygirl Tue 14-Jan-20 09:33:43

You blazed a trail! - you were first so bore the brunt of it. Hopefully MIL has seen the light and learned a bit of tolerance from you!

Paste on a smile - it is water under the bridge. Be happy that she has moved on.

Blooming religion - so very divisive. Makes me so exasperated. Oh - perhaps you could try exasperated instead of jealous! Please be happy that your SIL to be has had an easier ride and wish them both well.

endlessstrife Tue 14-Jan-20 09:37:05

I would say your MIL had learnt from her past mistakes, and isn’t repeating them. I would embrace this if you can, and think, because of you and your husband, progress has been made to everyone’s advantage. Just look after yourselves from now on, and obviously, take her to task if she behaves badly again.