Am I Jealous or is this normal?

FridayIscoming - take this as a compliment to you and not as a slight. Five years is a long time and she has mellowed, probably because after her initial feeling that she had to ensure her son had a church wedding, she has come to like/love you and has realised that church or registrar office, it doesn't matter as long as you are good people and make good parents. So your brother in law is benefitting from the great role model you have given your MIL of what the younger generation can be like, with or without religious beliefs. You say you would like to become a little more religious yourself, when that happens and in years to come you might be glad that your MIL put her foot down and asked you to go through a church ceremony. Please don't waste your energy on worrying about the difference in treatment between one brother and another when it's not going to improve your relationship with anybody in your family at all.

As pp’s have said, your MiL has probably realised she was unreasonable regarding the marriage of you and your DH. I think you should congratulate yourself for proving to be a good wife, mother and DiL.
We all make mistakes and frankly I cringe at some of the things I used to believe and firmly convinced I was right to so do. Learning, for many, is a lifelong process and I think it’s really good that your MiL has overcome some of her past prejudices.

It’s interesting that a couple of posters on here have talked about their expectations and how they’ve had to lower them. This sounds as if you believe that non religious services are somehow inferior and something that you have a right to voice an opinion on.

As an atheist I would never say similar to someone who had chosen a religious ceremony - it wouldn’t even occur to me - and I wonder why you feel a)it’s any of your business what sort of wedding another couple have chosen and b)why you feel a non religious service is somehow lesser and something you’ve had to come to terms with?

Having been part of the RC community I know there are some Catholics (fortunately not many now) who think non Catholics are a danger of some sort. I knew a several people who had married into the faith and they'd all been given a hard time at first until the inlaw (usually the MIL) came to see them as normal people. Perhaps your MIL had these unfounded fears and as she's got to know you has realised that non Catholics are no different to Catholics. There are good and bad amongst all peoples. If this is the case then it was easier for her to accept your BIL marrying outside of the faith. Try not to think about what you went through but rather feel that you were a pathfinder who did your future SIL a massive favour.

As a MIL myself I don't feel that the way my children and their partners choose to marry or live together, have a church wedding or registry office is anything to do with me. Your MIL sounds very overbearing and opinionated. Your husband should support you not his mother, its ridiculous in this day and age that she is behaving like this.! Find some courage and stand up to them both xx

You are being jealous - perfectly understandably too. You were the first - always more difficult. What was, was. Can't change it now, just do your best to enjoy this one and support them however you can.

Let it go. Grudges cause bitterness, which can destroy you. Just be thankful you have a good and happy marriage, and be happy for this young man.

You taught your mil that her worries about your religiosity or lack of it were not a problem. Your brother-in-law and his fiancée are benefiting from this. You can feel good about that.

Sorry...whats an LO? looked at acronyms and its not there.

I read it as Little One.

I've read this quite carefully, particularly your posts FridayIsComing .You are clear that your problem is your feelings, which you would like to change, but that you 'can't help but feel angry and hurt... I can't snap out of it'. If you have read all these replies and they don't help you, have you considered one or two counselling sessions, perhaps with Relate? The website says you can 'Talk to a trained Relate counsellor by webcam or phone.' Good luck, whatever your decision. Be happy!

Pat yourself on the back - i think she has learned a lot from your example, well done

Maybe your MIL finally realises how unreasonable she was first time around and she now knows her sons can have a happy marriage with a non catholic, with my own Mam she wouldn't speak to me for a few weeks after I announced I was moving in with my hubby before we got married (we were engaged with a date set for the wedding), I believe this was because an older sister did the same then her partner kept putting the wedding off (they finally married 11 years after us) she believed that my future hubby would do the same, he didn't and she came around once she realised that our wedding plans were still going ahead, we got married on the date we'd previously set but when my younger sister moved in with her now hubby our Mam was fine with it, I was also quite narked at the time at how my sister living with her partner was fine but all hell broke loose when I did the same, try and accept that its probably not anything personal and try and build bridges with your MIL

I think the answer lies in how differently she treats her sons?maybe one is the 'golden boy'- and maybe its not your husband?

Well you learn stuff as a Mother. The first wedding of a child of mine was in a church, and I more or less organised it. It was beautiful.
My last child got married in-promptly in Las Vegas . That’s what they wanted and none of his family or mine went.
We got over the disappointment and moved on. When they have children and their own children do the same to them, we will all be dead.
I have resolved to not to worry about others in my extended family and try and live every day as it’s my last.
I think the OP needs to accept that what happened to her was painful, but be glad for her husbands brother, that their Mother has learned.
Keep your mouth shut is my advice to all MILs, especially those who have sons.

I wonder whether your mother in law has had time for reflection and realises she was wrong in your case and has decided to mend her ways. My father in law openly said that he would not accept my husband and I (we have been married 45 years now) were married as we had married in a registry office. Ironically the only son who married in church was divorced within 5 years. Just before he died (I helped nurse and suppot him during this time) he said he had been wrong about me and also about our marriage and regretted what he had said. Just be glad for his neither we can live our lives regretting things but we can't change them the only thing we can change is the present.x

You paved the way for those two. Unfortunately, you still carry those scars.
I would stick up for myself from now on and don't bend to MIL or anybody's will. You have to guard your heart and takd care of your family. MIL is too proud to admit that her behaviour was wrong. We learn from our experiences, but we don't necessarily apologise for wrongdoings.

I would let it go.the more you get worked up the more likely you are to explode.anyway its someone elses wedding so dont explode till after the wedding .mil in laws are a pain anyway.anagram of mil is woman hitler lol.i would be hurt too .but it is in the past.let it stay in the past and you both go to the wedding and support the bride

I think you should be proud of yourself and your husband, you've been instrumental in getting your MIL to change her outdated views because she's seen that you have a good marriage. Take it as a compliment. Don't be hurt and try to help your BIL and his fiancee in the lead up to their wedding, be happy for them and put past hurts behind you, there really is no benefit to you in holding on to those emotions. I suspect the dynamic between yourself and MIL will change and you'll grow closer if you both let bygones be bygones. Good luck.

I was about to comment when I read Bathsheba’s post. These were my thoughts exactly but so well put Bathsheba. As a Catholic I always felt I had to “toe the line” and was perhaps swayed by my mother’s wishes at times, even with regard to my own children. I should like to think I am more tolerant and as long as they are happy in their lives and marriages then I am too.

Hello everyone,
Thank you all for taking the time to respond. The replies were really helpful and the common bit of advise is i should give myself a pat on the back for breaking the mould and making it easier for bil n sil to be. I never thought of it like that. Also, i found it useful to hear a MILs perspective e.g. when its your first child you are extra cautious and when its your fourth you are more relaxed. This makes me realise MILs behaviour was probably not a personal attack to me but it was her own mothering issues.
I look forward to getting to know the new SIL. Will be fab to have another young person around the dinner table on a Sunday. I am
Genuinely happy for the new couple. Was just sad for myself. Thank you again for responding.

You were the vanguard, Friday. Enjoy that your experience made MiL more amenable and less inflexible

Let it go. If you are at all interested in exploring the Christian faith & furthering your journey as a woman, understand that we all grow & develop in life....even your MIL I take your word that she has been a cow. Forgive her, move on & develop a warm relationship & understanding. You will grow tall but it takes practice. I'm not suggesting you become a doormat, be confident in your opinions. The term religious means nothing, that is a man made construct. Faith, humility & sacrifice is what matters & will set you free.

You are not being unreasonable. I think she used the religion bit to make things difficult for you. You've got the moral high ground and can now bring it up whenever you want to. Do not let it eat away at yourself - let it out. You really have my sympathy. I've been there, said and did nothing in order to keep the peace, and now am a bitter person.

GrannyAnnie,
I am sorry you had a horrible experience. It is really difficult. I understand the logic of the situation. But i know i will struggle when i see MIL behave so differently with SIL. I will just keep reminding myself of all the advice from here and get through it.