Gransnet forums


Not to tell my mother

(75 Posts)
Tigertooth Fri 17-Jan-20 15:56:20

For context my mother and I are very close. We live nearby and see each other a couple of times a week. I am 53, she's 86.
Next week I'm having a hysterectomy - AIBU to not inform my mother prior to the op? My husband will be between being with me and organising kids at home (10 - 19yrs).
Mum is fit and in excellent health for her age but she's a worrier and I'm feeling pretty anxious about this op anyway, I know that she will rush to the hospital and stay there with me and the thought of coming round from anaesthetic to her worried little face and fussing just adds to my stress. I'd rather just tell her a dy or two later when I'm on the mend.
What do you think?

Grannyknot Fri 17-Jan-20 16:04:52

Tigertooth when I was 8 months pregnant with my first baby, I had kidney stones and was admitted to hospital for treatment. I didn't tell my mother for exactly the reasons you give above. When she found out, she was cross with me, and I explained to her that I didn't want her to worry unnecessarily and she forgave me smile possibly because she was so relieved it was all over.

So I'm saying I understand why you feel this way, and also that she may be cross when she finds out, and then she'll probably get over it.

AGAA4 Fri 17-Jan-20 16:12:36

What a dilemma. Your mum may be hurt if you don't tell her but I understand that you don't want to worry her. I think I would always want to know if my children were ill and needing hospital treatment but you know your own mum best and at 86 may be too much of a worry for her. Hope you get well again very soon flowers

Chestnut Fri 17-Jan-20 16:15:06

I think you've already answered your own question. It's your peace of mind that's important here. If the thought of telling your mother makes you feel any more anxious than you already are then don't tell her. You don't want any extra stress. Explain afterwards you didn't want her to worry as Grannyknot did.

endlessstrife Fri 17-Jan-20 16:26:22

Yes, it has to about what’s best for you. You are the one having the operation after all. Hope it all goes well for you.

grannyactivist Fri 17-Jan-20 16:47:35

For very pragmatic reasons I didn't tell my husband when I was having investigations for cancer. (He was about to go away on a long planned trip.) It was the right decision for us at the time. My husband got back just a couple of days before I was admitted for a biopsy and was very understanding about my reasons for not telling him at the time.

Hithere Fri 17-Jan-20 16:50:40

You are the patient and if her attitude is not going to help you manage your anxiety and your recovery, tell her when you feel it is right

rosenoir Fri 17-Jan-20 17:41:54

I think you are right not to tell her, I never tell anybody if I am having any tests or procedures. I do not see any benefit to making others worry.

Eloethan Fri 17-Jan-20 17:44:01

I quite understand why you haven't told your Mum.

You can explain afterwards - say you didn't want to worry her - and your husband had been advised that, directly after the op, you would need absolute peace and rest.

I hope all goes well for you.

supergirlsnan Fri 17-Jan-20 17:52:29

Tiger, I understand you're concerned (who wouldn't be?) but please try not to worry too much. I had a hysterectomy four years ago and it was absolutely fine. Don't know why I got so het up! Good luck. x

TrendyNannie6 Fri 17-Jan-20 18:19:55

I wouldn’t tell her, I wouldn’t want her worrying, I agree with rosenoir

NfkDumpling Fri 17-Jan-20 18:24:38

Just tell her afterwards that you didn’t tell her as you would have worried too much about her worrying about you and the worry would have stressed you both out too much. She’ll be so confused by your explanation she won’t say a thing!

Hithere Fri 17-Jan-20 19:09:20


Have you talked to your mothet how her anxiety affects you? Is she doing anything to control it?

Not that it is your fault, will she understand you did not tell her?

You need to address the source of the problem, not the symptoms.

sodapop Fri 17-Jan-20 19:21:15

I generally don't tell people if I am having treatment or investigations until I have definitive news. I live in France so it's unlikely anyone will find out. That would be my only concern that someone else would tell your Mum.

Hetty58 Fri 17-Jan-20 19:44:30

It's kind to avoid worrying an 86 year old and I'm sure she'll understand. It saves you worrying about her rushing around visiting too.

dragonfly46 Fri 17-Jan-20 19:47:43

I never used to tell my elderly parents about tests and procedures until they were over. They were actually grateful. I am so pleased my dad died and my mum got dementia before my breast cancer diagnosis!

52bright Fri 17-Jan-20 20:29:03

It depends on the person you are dealing with. If I had an op without informing my mother I was going in for it the fall out would be nuclear due to her hurt feelings. She is 88 and I could even less deal with what she would be like afterwards than I could deal with the fussing. Like you, Tigertooth I am very close to her and I think it is all about knowing the person you are dealing with really well and what you personally can cope with best. I recently had a breast scare appointment and didn't tell her about that until it came back clear. Hope your op goes well op. You know your mother best and as you have a good relationship with her I'm sure that whatever you decide will be right for you and her. flowers

Tigertooth Fri 17-Jan-20 20:51:39

Thanks all - I won't tell her.
It is partly about her traipsing across London to get to me - as I know she would, as well as her worrying.
I got my biopsy back since last post - all clear smile but still need the hysterectomy.

Baggs Fri 17-Jan-20 20:58:30

All the best, tigertooth.

NotSpaghetti Sat 18-Jan-20 09:35:58

Yes. Hope it goes very smoothly.
And good news re the biopsy.

Juicylucy Sat 18-Jan-20 09:36:32

I think you already know the answer and just need clarification. Hope all goes well with your op.

Froglady Sat 18-Jan-20 09:40:40

When I had major surgery my mother was under strict instructions not to come to the hospital at all on the day of the surgery - I didn't let her visit me until the day after and she adhered to that. I couldn't have coped with her fears before the surgery and I'd heard so many tales of people saying things while they were recovering from the trauma and not being aware of what they were saying, I thought that in our case that was a recipe for disaster!

Buffy Sat 18-Jan-20 09:43:16

I think you know the answer without asking. Think of yourself for once. Your Mother WILL understand. I hope all goes well for you.

sazz1 Sat 18-Jan-20 10:09:30

I didn't tell my DC that I was having an x-ray which showed a shadow on the lung and a CT scan as it was 3 weeks before Xmas. The follow up x-ray showed it was gone so was just a bad chest infection. Didn't want to ruin everyone's Xmas but told them afterwards.

Phloembundle Sat 18-Jan-20 10:11:37

The healing process will be helped by you being in a calm and positive frame of mind.