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AIBU

Not to tell my mother

(76 Posts)
Tigertooth Fri 17-Jan-20 15:56:20

For context my mother and I are very close. We live nearby and see each other a couple of times a week. I am 53, she's 86.
Next week I'm having a hysterectomy - AIBU to not inform my mother prior to the op? My husband will be between being with me and organising kids at home (10 - 19yrs).
Mum is fit and in excellent health for her age but she's a worrier and I'm feeling pretty anxious about this op anyway, I know that she will rush to the hospital and stay there with me and the thought of coming round from anaesthetic to her worried little face and fussing just adds to my stress. I'd rather just tell her a dy or two later when I'm on the mend.
What do you think?

Nortsat46 Sat 18-Jan-20 10:12:35

Tigertooth - so pleased to hear your biopsy is clear - that’s a big worry removed.

I don’t agree with the other posters- if you were my daughter I would want to know and to be part of such a significant event, even with some post op limitations. I fully understand why you don’t want to tell your mum. It’s clear you have a very loving, caring relationship and in the end, her overriding concern will be that you are well and happy.

Don’t be too trepidatious about the op, it’s relatively straight forward these days. I had a hysterectomy and oophorectomy in 2014. I was sitting up in a chair the next day and back at work after 6 weeks.

Good luck and best wishes. 💐

JaneNJ Sat 18-Jan-20 10:18:36

I disagree with comments above. You are making an assumption about your mother being uncontrollably worried. It sounds like YOU are the person who is worried. Your mother might be 86 but in good health. She might still have strength and courage to support you. Why usurp her role as your mother otherwise? I would be very angry if my kids took that away from me and made me out to be some feeble, old woman before my time. People still need to feel vital and important no matter their age. And the purpose of family should be for support. Unless you know that your mother is truly incapable, don’t discard her as so many people do with the elderly.

ReadyMeals Sat 18-Jan-20 10:23:00

She might be hurt, but actually at 86 I think more damage will be done to her health by days of worry than a couple of hours of feeling hurt resolved by a big hug or reassurances of love. The only thing I would adjust in your plan is the timescale. I'd have your husband inform her of the success of your op as soon as you've come round fully, but have him tell her that you can't have visitors yet if you don't want her hovering.

HunnyBunny Sat 18-Jan-20 10:25:59

I had a full hysterectomy last April. Went into hospital early on the morning of op. Spent two nights there. I was anxious too. Didn’t know what to expect.
The treatment I was given was fantastic.
It wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought it would be. Bit sore afterwards, took it really easy at home.

I didn’t tell anyone what was happening. Only my husband knew. I wouldn’t say anything to your mum, what she doesn’t know won’t hurt her and she will worry needlessly.

Hysterectomy was a huge deal years ago. Patients went to convalescence homes to recover. This is probably what your mum will remember.

Things have definitely moved on since then.

Nana3 Sat 18-Jan-20 10:30:21

Best wishes for your operation Tigertooth. I feel you are doing the right thing. I didn't tell my parents that I had cancer and was having treatment. I couldn't bring myself to give them the worry. They too would have wanted to be at the hospital with me and I needed to concentrate on myself. Happy to hear your results are clear.

Granv Sat 18-Jan-20 10:48:05

Darling l have just had a hysterectomy at 70!🤪 it was all good was out the next day please don’t worry it will be fine l had an epidural it was wonderful good luck 🌹

Nannan2 Sat 18-Jan-20 10:48:53

You know her best,so do as you think best- just one thing no ones mentioned though- you said your husband will be "between being with you& organising kids"‐ so you seem to be worrying about that too,but if ones 19 couldn't they help to 'organise' younger siblings to help out your poor hubby whose going to be rushing round already? (you dont say if anothers a teenager but if so can older one/s help alleviate any stress for you& hubby by helping out? At 19 theyre an adult& capable of at least putting a pizza in oven & feeding younger ones,etc?Just a thought.your hubby might be less frazzled then too.hmm

Soozikinzi Sat 18-Jan-20 10:51:40

My sister who is a consultant paediatrician, had an lumpectomy for breast cancer and never told our mum for exactly the same reasons. So I’m sure you’re doing the right thing xx you are the patient after all and you must do what’s right for you here . hope it all goes well xx

Joyfulnanna Sat 18-Jan-20 10:59:36

You don't need to tell her beforehand, have a clear conscience, you are doing what's best as you know it would worry her too much. Some people are good at supporting others, let her do this when you are recovering, it's a better use of her time, bless her. Sending you positive vibes for a successful surgery and speedy recovery. X

Nannan2 Sat 18-Jan-20 11:01:42

I agree with Readymeals,let your husband tell her afterwards,but say you can't have visitors till following day at least- gives you time to recover slightly at least, you never know, you might want her by then,I'm sure you'l be feeling a bit emotional/ sore & sometimes you just need your mum,no matter how old you are! hmm good luck!

NanaAnnie Sat 18-Jan-20 11:05:44

I think your Mother would be terribly hurt to know that her daughter was going through, what still is, major surgery, even if it's a keyhole hysterectomy. So what if she 'fusses' over you. She's 86 years old. There may not be a lot of years left for her to administer motherly love.

acanthus Sat 18-Jan-20 11:07:10

As others have said, you know your mother best, and worrying about her worrying will only add to your general anxiety about your forthcoming operation. But to put your mind at rest, this time last year I had an hysterectomy plus other engineering (bad prolapse) and, dare I say, rather enjoyed it. The best bit was a lovely heated blanket over me and the anaesthetist asking about the grandchildren - then doing! I was out for the count, waking up as my BP was being taken. Then an enjoyable month or so taking it easy.
You'll be fine!

Harris27 Sat 18-Jan-20 11:09:42

I had this op years ago and had the constant worry that it was cancer got the all clear after the op and was so uptight didn’t tell anyone about my fears not even my boys . They did know what op I was having but I didn’t go into any other details having a loving husband got me through it I wish I had a nice mum to worry about me but my mum died when I was young and did have a stepmother but wasn’t the same. Your doing the right thing I wish you a good recovery take it easy and be kind to yourself. By the way that was 14 years ago and I’m 6o next week and fingers crossed quite well!!

nanamac77 Sat 18-Jan-20 11:13:11

Just to - hopefully - reassure you. I had a hysterectomy when I was 73, having had a biopsy a couple of weeks before which showed cancer .I went into hospital carrying all I thought I might need for a week .
I had keyhole surgery, experienced no pain and was discharged the next day so was in hospital for about 36 hours. Just had to be careful about not lifting heavy objects for a while. That's 2 1/2 years ago and I'm fine.
I can't make your decision for you but hope all goes well.

sarahellenwhitney Sat 18-Jan-20 11:27:49

As an adult I kept certain health issues from my mother.It was easier to deal with it on my own in preference to giving her concerns as well as my own.

P3terpan Sat 18-Jan-20 11:42:35

i would have told my mum only a couple of days before the op. If I had to have one now I would give the world to wake up to have her there, sadly she’s not with us any more.

LuckyFour Sat 18-Jan-20 11:55:52

If you see her a couple of times a week won't she be worried if she doesn't see you. You will have to lie which is not something you should do. You need to tell her in advance and ask her not to come till your DH says you are ready for a visit. Perhaps tell her you are only allowed one visitor for the first couple of days, and there's no need to worry as you've been told it isn't a serious operation like it used to be years ago.

Dillyduck Sat 18-Jan-20 11:59:41

No one has a right to know about anyone else's health. When I had life saving surgery only my very immediate family knew. Like you, I couldn't bear the thought of being fussed over, I just wanted to be as calm as possible throughout. Tell mum when you get home, but make sure the doctor says you must have "plenty of rest" and say you'll chat on the phone, when you are up and awake. I had a hysterectomy when I was just 33, due to excessive bleeding due to fibroids. Four weeks after the op I was so much better than I'd been in a long time. Make sure you follow all the instructions about not lifting any heavy weights while everything is healing. Track suit bottoms will be more comfortable that woven trousers for a while. Going for very gentle walks every day will help you enormously.

okimherenow Sat 18-Jan-20 12:09:34

At 80 I worry about my daughters and grandchildren..
Having had an hysterectomy myself I'd really feel very hurt if my daughter felt I'd over worry if she told me before hand.
I'd want to be told. I really would.

GillT57 Sat 18-Jan-20 12:27:08

When I had an ambigious result on the Down's syndrome scan with DD, I chose not to tell my DM until after the amniocentesis tests results ( clear). During the waiting period, I had a scheduled scan and I know she was disappointed that I didn't ask her to come with me but I was so worried that the amnio test would be mentioned and as we were dealing with the potential implications ourself, I just couldn't cope with my DM's worry and questions at the same time. I hope this was for the best, but I have to admit to feeling guilty still, all those years later, when I casually dismissed her request to come to the scan. Sometimes you have to make decisions which are hard, but meant for the best reasons and only you can make them.

luluaugust Sat 18-Jan-20 12:28:39

I would like to be told maybe a couple of days before the op if not before. Its all part of family life but you know your mum. Nervy people often deal with these things better than you would expect.

RomyP Sat 18-Jan-20 12:29:21

Great news re the biopsy. I think you're right to not tell your mum till afterwards. Good luck with op and I wish you a good recovery.

Hellsbelles Sat 18-Jan-20 12:42:26

My husband has heart problems and has had them for about 4/5 years. He has chosen not to tell his mother (84). Good luck with your operation , but once home I'm not sure you will get away with her not knowing as you will be recovering for a good few weeks.

Manzara Sat 18-Jan-20 12:47:40

A different scenario I know!
I didn't tell my son when I had a Cancer scare recently. He was going through a separation from his partner. All is well for me 👍 and I told him after the results. He was very upset and made me promise to tell him these things in future. I'm 75 and he's 50.
I don't think you should tell your Mum, though, until you are back from the op. These very common ops are usually so easy these days! You won't die! Good luck x

Merryweather Sat 18-Jan-20 12:54:09

Good luck with the surgery.
Xxx