Renewal of wedding vows - what's the protocol?

My DS and DIL renewed their vows a couple of years ago. The reason was that very sadly my DIL’s brother in law died on the morning of their wedding. As everything was planned, people were staying at the country house where the wedding was taking place etc they went ahead on a very sad day. As you can imagine their anniversary held sad memories for everyone, hence the desire to renew their vows and have a different day to celebrate.

I think that’s called ‘I’ve had enough of the sight of you, I’ve started divorce proceedings’ Hetty!

I totally get the idea of celebrating a big anniversary of a happy marriage but would never re-take vows which, in my opinion were taken for life.

We renew our views each day by saying I love you and meaning it and by helping each other to get the most from life that we can, also by saying sorry when we've had differences of opinion, we don't need a special fuss made about it. I think Alishka's Dad's idea was lovely because it meant so much to his wife to have her wedding ring blessed/churched but it was done privately and, I think, very romantically, well done that man. Each to their own but it's not something I would do. I don't think presents are necessary, the charity donation box idea is good though. Back to the OP, I think you'd be expected to wear something formal, as for a present, I'd ask "are you having charity donation boxes for the guests to put money into?" or something similar and see what reaction is. As they've been married a while they won't need typical wedding style presents, and you can have too many photo frames despite what some people think, they could end up with 50 of them. I think that would actually be quite funny.

Oh I don't think so Desdemona, not sure where you got that idea. DH & I had a little church ceremony with just us & our 2 adult children to celebrate 25 years of marriage & to reaffirm our vows to each other. No significant difficulties in the marriage, it just seemed the right thing to do . We're on 39 years this year so maybe we'll do it again at 40.

Reaffirm sounds so much nicer than renew !

I don't see the point in renewing of vows. If you have a special anniversary coming up and want to host a gathering of some sort, thats different. On a sadder note one person I knew told me the couples they knew that had renewal of vows, all split up eventually. I do not know how many couples they meant.

I agree that I cannot see the point of this. By all means have a party to celebrate big anniversaries but that is all . I am still married after 55 years that is all the world and my husband need to know .

In some circumstances ( like ones mentioned in this thread). I can see some point. Otherwise a vow once made is binding. If it hasn’t been broken why does it need renewing?
To answer the op. Smart casual and maybe a charity donation if appropriate.

I am a civil celebrant and I may be biased but I think of vow renewal as a wonderful thing for a couple to do, however long they have been married. Very often it is a desire to relive their special day in a way that they weren't able to the first time round. It can also be something that couples wish to do after a difficult time in their family - like illness or loss. It confirms their bond, showing each other that their love is still strong. Wonderful!

Renewal of vows celebrations usually spark speculations as to which partner broke theirs.
Very tacky.

IMHO - The vows first time around should be preceded with - "I shall say ziz only once". Nuff said.

Thanks Espee that's very kind of you to give us your views. I don't see how a little church service to reaffirm vows can be described as "tacky" or lead to speculation as to what those involved had been up to. Each to their own of course but I've been surprised at the sometimes quite venomous posts on this subject which I personally feel is a lovely way to re avow the love between the two spouses .

Well, plenty of tacky weddings happen. Everyone has a style that someone else may not like but the reasons that a couple renew vows are to make each other happy in the affirmation of the love between them. It's very judgemental to assume that adultery took place Esspee!

If it means something to the couple why not, it certainly isn’t
tacky.

It strikes me that renewal of vows is an American custom, but I don't know when or why it started.

Here in Denmark you can choose to celebrate a wedding anniversary (usually the Golden Wedding) by having a short church service of thanks for the past years and a blessing.

Those who marry before the registrar can at any time ask for a service blessing the marriage in church.

I agree with Desdemona.
I always thought one had cheated and the other has forgiven them but the vows were broken so lets start all over.

OOOPS sent too soon.
I would not take a gift if I had been to the first wedding.

My husband and I renewed our vows 5 years ago because out original vows were "throughout out married life together" which to me sounds like "until we divorce" !
So we wanted to say "till death do is part" plus my husband is religious (I'm more of a pagan ! ) and wanted to have a minister
The other reason for doing it then was because he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease and we wanted it to happen when he could still remember.
In July we have been together for 30 years and married 22 and he's slipping away from me but I remember that day in my mum's wood with only 30 people and think of him before Alzheimer's stole him from me

We've never felt the need to renew our vows. We did the 'till death us do part' bit and 45 years together strikes me as enough evidence of our commitment. Renewing them would make me feel that they'd somehow been forgotten.

Having said that, I know of people who have done it. One man surprised his wife at the daughter's wedding. Another was family (we weren't invited, but their adult children, and their children were).

I can understand why some people would want to do it, going by the stories on here, though.

Anyway smart, but not as fancy as a wedding, for dress code I would think.

Such a pity some see muck not happiness

I agree Anniebach

I plan to have a Vow Renewal Service for our tenth Wedding Anniversary. Neither of us have or will have "cheated" - nor do we have any problems! My hubby and I married in 2014 - I was twice widowed and he twice divorced. We married in Church and (apart from various disasters such as the Best Man not turning up - and he had the Orders of Service) it was a lovely ceremony! We simply want to celebrate our marriage at the anniversary. The Renewal service will again be in a Church - though we expect to have moved home from England to Scotland before then - and the type of ceremony will depend on what the Church will offer. There will be no huge party (probably not even a small one) and given how far away we will be from family then - probably few guests. Hopefully, the congregation will be there, and we will have made friends with at least some of them. We will just be re-living our special day, repeating before God the vows we made then and hopefully hearing and singing our favourite hymns. This is something for us. We expect no presents, nor do we expect anyone from our friends and family group to travel what will be many miles for a ceremony which may mean nothing to them. Obviously, from comments already made - I can only assume that we are weird! That's fine. I'm perfectly happy with the idea.

I think a vow reaffirmation in a quiet low key affair with just the 2 of you is quite different to re-enacting your wedding at a big ceremony in front of all your friends and family.

We went to a vows renewal a few years ago, tbh it was a bit strange and ever so slightly cringeworthy.
Anyway we took a present, a lovely basket of jasmine.Most people brought a present, but not all.