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To see nothing wrong in declining this wedding invitation

(150 Posts)
Beswitched Fri 24-Jan-20 14:14:20

My sister and her husband have been invited to a wedding a considerable drive from where they live. The invite is for the ceremony at 1pm and the evening reception at 8pm but not for the drinks and dinner in between.

Her husband thinks that's a bit insulting and says he has no intention of driving miles and forking out for a hotel in order to spend 6 hours hanging around a strange town with nothing to do.

My sister doesn't really want to go either but doesn't want to offend the b and g's parents who are friends of theirs.

I agree with my brother in law and actually find invitations like this quite rude. I can totally understand inviting a group of colleagues or the gang from the rugby club or whatever to the evening reception. But expecting people to travel a long distance and omitting them from the middle part of the day just seems a bit off.

notanan2 Fri 24-Jan-20 14:20:02

The meal and speaches is the tedious part. Ceremony and party is the fun bit.

If they disagree, decline its no big deal.
Theres nothing wrong with the invite and theres nothing wrong with declining

Oopsminty Fri 24-Jan-20 14:22:16

I'm not keen on those invites either, Beswitched

Floating around waiting for the evening do

I think it's a bit rude

Callistemon Fri 24-Jan-20 14:23:22

I've never actually heard of this before; people are either invited to the ceremony and the reception and evening do or just invited to the evening do.
If the wedding is near their home and the wedding is in a church, there's nothing to stop them going to the ceremony even if they are only invited to the evening event.

Beswitched Fri 24-Jan-20 14:28:10

I think if you're ask people to undertake a long drive and overnight stay for your wedding the least you can do is offer them a meal. Also hanging around a town you don't know in your wedding glad rags for several hours is no fun.

Callistemon Fri 24-Jan-20 14:30:10

They will have to find another longstanding arrangement!

MawB Fri 24-Jan-20 14:30:47

I don’t like those invitations either. Makes you feel like a member of the “second 11” ! Also I would personally feel too old and a bit out of place among the younger work colleagues.
Where I was brought up, there were no “evening do’s” just the reception which went on until the happy couple’s “going away” Those who could not be formally invited, such as neighbours, acquaintances, or anybody who wanted to, were often told they would be very welcome at the church if they wished. I was invited to my neighbour’s daughters evening do a couple of years ago but declined as I did not see myself dancing with the young things late into the night especially as it was after DH died and I was not really in the mood! But I did walk up to the village church not see her wed which was lovely.
Life was simpler in our day, I think. 48 years ago my own parents and the new in-laws all went out to dinner after our reception.

ThisLittlePiggy Fri 24-Jan-20 14:30:57

It's a bit odd to expect people to travel a long distance for such a disjointed day. I would definitely decline.

MawB Fri 24-Jan-20 14:31:53

“To see her wed “ not “not” blush

Beswitched Fri 24-Jan-20 14:38:13

Yes I remember when I was a child lots of people who weren't invited to the wedding would go along to the church for the ceremony - neighbours, colleagues etc. It was a nice tradition but of course wedding receptions in those days finished up by late afternoon.

TerriBull Fri 24-Jan-20 14:38:29

I'm inclined to agree. A friend of mine turned down an invitation for them to go en famille to France for the wedding of a close friend's daughter, to be held in a chateau. Once they'd factored in air fares, hotel costs, a present etc., it would have cost them over £1,000. To be fair, the mother of the bride pointed out to her daughter that for such a wedding, she should be prepared that some invitees will turn the invitation down due to the travel and expense involved.

I also remember going to a wedding, both 2nd time a rounders, close friend of my husbands, again well over a 100 miles away. This involved a very nice sit down lunch, then back to the hotel we'd booked, out again for an evening do with practically the whole village in a marquee, seemed like an enoromous hoo ha to me particularly when they had a few grown up children between them. I'd have rather stayed in the hotel than go and stand around with drink in hand for the evening do, if we'd have had to drive a long way just for that part only, not sure we'd have bothered either. I agree with you OP, if people are travelling a distance, a sit down meal at least.

Gaunt47 Fri 24-Jan-20 14:47:12

No problem to turn down the invitation IMO.
I hear that young folk nowadays plan long weekends for their guests: Friday afternoon to Monday morning. Meals and activities and dancing, oh and the ceremony. Now, 3 days of jollification would certainly be boring smile

Beswitched Fri 24-Jan-20 14:57:00

Yes a 3 day wedding sounds like torture to me. But most weddings nowadays seem to come with the expectation that the guests will make a long weekend, if not a foreign holiday, out of it. I'm glad I'm at an age where6I rarely get wedding invites anymore.

ninathenana Fri 24-Jan-20 15:17:05

There is the option not to attend the ceremony and just go for the party.

Daisymae Fri 24-Jan-20 15:21:13

Hmm. I would send a card and leave it at that. It doesn't seem that they want to go, they haven't been invited for the main event so I doubt they would be missed.

notanan2 Fri 24-Jan-20 15:30:58

There is the option not to attend the ceremony and just go for the party.

Ive done it the other way round and gone to see them hitched at the ceremony then home early so no need to pay for overnight accomodation (and no need to make small talk with someones uncle Nigel for hours at the do ? - perfect!)

DillytheGardener Fri 24-Jan-20 15:33:32

I wouldn’t bother, sounds very awkward!

Yehbutnobut Fri 24-Jan-20 15:48:30

Even ruder is to turn up uninvited to the reception when only invited to the evening do, as one couple did at my daughters wedding.

Floradora9 Fri 24-Jan-20 16:02:20

I refuse all but the full wedding I feel insulted to only be invited to a bit.

Yehbutnobut Fri 24-Jan-20 16:12:31

That’s your problem then Flora. The reception (or whatever you want to call it) is very expensive per head. The evening do is a way of including others they want to include but simply can’t afford to invite to the sit down meal.

PamelaJ1 Fri 24-Jan-20 16:18:04

Floradora, so do we.
The last time we went to the evening do we felt like spare parts.
All the real guests had sorted themselves out got comfortable with each other and then there we were, making polite conversation to the other extras.

I do completely understand that weddings are expensive and not everyone can be invited to the meal. That’s fine. Don’t invite me.

MiniMoon Fri 24-Jan-20 16:24:22

I would decline the invitation. Having a long drive would put me off completely. You don't have to give a reason for not going, just send a card to say no thank you.

Jomarie Fri 24-Jan-20 16:28:42

I think that as the B and G's parents are friends of theirs then I would be inclined to go just to the wedding ceremony - with a reluctant OH in the mix I'd probably say a two hour drive to the church/whatever and a two hour drive back with a break either going or coming back for a nice lunch would be a good compromise - nobody offended and nobody too stressed by it all. That's just me with my grumpy OH (he could be persuaded to do that for the sake of good relations) if, however, it were a 3 or 4 hour drive then we would politely decline and send a token gift and card. grin

Chestnut Fri 24-Jan-20 16:29:24

I've never heard of a split wedding before and it seems rude to me. I always consider the comfort and enjoyment of the guests as being paramount. I'd either attend the ceremony only or the evening only, or decline altogether, but I wouldn't go to a split wedding.

Madgran77 Fri 24-Jan-20 16:36:11

My son and DIL did this for their wedding with many people invited to the ceremony and then hours to wait until the evening party at 6.30pm onwards. I found it really strange and a bit rude!! Apparently it is a common strategy these days but not one I would ever be entirely comfortable with!