Still not met three week old grandson.

Thanks very much Patsy. ?

Middle of the road here but if she's struggling to get the baby to latch she will be really stressed, and she's doing the best she can. Try to bear that in mind but gosh I do feel for you, 3 weeks is a LONG time. Send them an apple pie or some encouraging text message and just be patient.........

Was it always this way?
When I had my four it was taken for granted that grandparents would visit ASAP either in hospital or at home. I had two extremely traumatic deliveries but it didn’t occur to me to not show off my babies.

Happygran - Congratulation on the birth of your grandson, and I sincerely hope you get to cuddle him really soon. You sound like a perfect mother-in-law to me! Surely it is usual to be overjoyed to show off your new baby to his grandparents and other family members. I know I did and so did my children, including the dil and sil! I do sympathise that your dil is having trouble breast-feeding, and it must be very time consuming to continually be expressing. However, you will be there to offer any help she will need, which she should welcome. In the meantime, ignore comments from agnurse in Canada, thankfully, and Summerlove! Best wishes to you.

Urmstongran

This is extended family. Some mothers find it very stressful to have any visitors, even extended family, at first. Some babies do not want anyone except Mummy to hold them, and that's very normal.

There is a huge amount of physical recovery and psychological work that women need to do to recover after a birth and adjust to being new parents. They need to figure that out for themselves, and some of them need privacy to do that.

It comes back to the mother's needs trump anyone else's wants.

Does OP need to see her grandson? Does she need to bond with him?

Again, the mother is not being selfish to be putting herself and her new baby first.

I think you will find that I said in my original post that I totally understand that my DIL is knackered and disappointed at not being able to breastfeed my grandson that’s why I have given it just over three weeks to moan about it.
I think by now it would be fine to allow us to spend half an hour with the baby. He is actually bottle fed now and mum expresses as much as she can as well.

Agnurse

Don’t you think it’s just a bit sad though? I’ve no doubt mum is feeling weary, tearful and unsociable, but half an hour wouldn’t be too much to ask surely. Not that I’m suggesting she does ask to visit, but it would be kind and thoughtful if a short visit could be arranged.

Me too Scentia.

If mum is expressing milk and needs peace & quiet she could go upstairs and let grandma have a cuddle downstairs.

What is it with some precious new mums these days? This is family for an hour. Get a grip new parents!

Eglantine is right but it is astoundingly thoughtless and hurtful , the situation that you have been put in! Yup grow a pair sounds somewhat familiar!

Scentia

They are probably coming around because she needs the help and support and because she feels comfortable with them there. She may be comfortable to have them around when she is pumping, for example. With her MIL there she may feel much more stressed.

Do you honestly feel that she is sitting around plotting ways to prevent OP from seeing the baby?

What's annoying me is that no one appears to be giving any thought to this mother and how she is feeling, or her needs.

There seems to be a general consensus that DIL is being "unreasonable" and "selfish".

She has just had a baby, for goodness' sake, and she is having some issues! Not replying to Grandma and not inviting her to pop over isn't being rude, it's called setting priorities. Right now, Grandma is not a priority. If Grandma can't figure out that baby and mother's needs trump her wants, that's a problem.

Happygran for what it’s worth I think it’s time you met the baby, but if you’ve been told to wait then wait you must. Next time you talk to your son, tell him your so excited to see the little one,and leave it at that. It won’t affect the bonding process yet, I’m sure that will come in time. Congratulations

My son did thank me for the gifts.

Personally I think it's awful that you haven't actually seen your grandchild There is bound to be a small window in 21 days that you could have seen the baby, You weren't asking to be treated like Royalty , all you wanted , which is perfectly reasonable was to see your own grandson for a little while.

Of course it wont interfere with you bonding, babies don't bond in three weeks, they are hungry demanding little humans with no thought for the stress and worry they can cause to their long suffering parents. The bonding will come later .

Being a mum of both a son and daughters, it's only two of my daughters that have children. In both cases, their respective inlaws were invited to the hospital to see the babies as soon as was convienient and were encouraged to be strong fixtures in the lives of their grandchildren.

I sincerely hope you soon get to see the baby, and a little cuddle.

agnurse
If that is true then how come her family are around every day. “You’re avin a laff”
The poor OP wants to say hello to her new GC
I really hope you are not actually a nurse as you seriously lack empathy.

send a card and a voucher for a delivery of cookfood meals for two. You need to stay in touch but not be pushy. Its a difficult time for them right now and not every new mum is mellow

agnurse whuch of my replies are you responding to? Something seems to have annoyed you!

Well that's just sheer bad manners Happygran and your son should have made sure your gifts were acknowledged.

You sound like a "good MIL" to me and I hope your d.i.l. realises this and both she and your son stop being unreasonable and allow you to see your GC asap.

Scentia

It's not a power thing. We understand a lot more now about the importance of bonding with a new baby and of protecting the "fourth trimester", the 6 weeks after the baby is born. Keep in mind, too, that women tend to go back to work much earlier now than they used to, meaning that they may want that precious time with their babies.

I highly doubt that DIL is sitting around all day thinking of ways she can keep her husband's mother away from the baby. She's likely trying to pump, feed her baby, recover from the birth, get some sleep when and where she can, and adjust to her new life. A 15-minute grandma cuddle is simply not a priority for her right now, nor should it be.

Summerlove

That was a reply to someone saying my son should step up and put his foot down.
My DIL does like to get her own way, none of us are perfect, why does that mean I don’t like her for goodness sake?

Wow, OP, so you truly feel that your wants trump your DIL's needs and that your son should be advocating for YOU instead of HIS WIFE?

His wife has just undergone a major medical procedure, she is recovering from that, she's having difficulty feeding the baby, she's getting extra support from her family (and I strongly suspect that her mother and sister are there to help her and not just to see the baby), yet you seem to be more insistent on your rights to meet the baby than on her recovery, identifying what you did and expecting that she should do the same.

She may not be as comfortable with you and as willing to let her hair down, so to speak, as she is with her mother and sister. She may feel that you would be judging her or that having you around would be stressful for her.

This is not about you. They didn't have a baby for you. If you tell them how you feel, you could well be setting yourself up to have no contact with this baby at all.

I love my daughters in law, all three of them; not in the way I love my own daughter naturally but I do my very best to treat them all the same as each other and I lean over backwards to be supportive but to remain in the background.
I never press my opinions or offer advice and I think I am a good MIL in all honesty but yes I am upset at the moment, especially at not getting a five second text to say thanks for the flowers, chocolates, card, balloons, clothes and teddy.

agnurse
I don’t think OP wants to move in, she wants a 15 minute cuddle with her new GC?
This is a power thing with new mums and it gets my goat.

Extra people absolutely make breast feeding/pumping harder in early days.

Extra people are visitors.

Yes I secretly think my son should grow a pair to be honest but I know my DIL well and my son hates confrontation.

This sentence by OP is certainly not one made with a lot of like towards DIL.

Scentia

Actually, yes, it can make BF harder if DIL feels she is stressed.

This is a visitor. She's not part of their nuclear family, she is now extended family. She is not owed an opportunity to meet the baby, nor is she entitled to have access to their home.

DIL and baby's needs trump Grandma's wants. DIL needs to recover and she needs to feed the baby. Baby needs a mummy who is not constantly stressed. Some women have actually developed PND/PNA as a result of family issues. Grandma wants time to develop a bond with the baby.