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AIBU

To move or not to move, advice needed.

(35 Posts)
Borntosew Mon 10-Feb-20 06:58:08

My husband and I are 79 and 75 respectively. We were renting a lowset villa some 100 kms away from our daughter, but last year I had a heart attack and two cardiac arrests and only just survived. My daughter suggested they bought an investment house near them that we could rent from them (they are quite wealthy). We agreed, and were told to choose a house. I was quite unwell and unable to travel to inspect houses, so I made one condition, that I couldn't do steps, then left it to them. They kept choosing highset houses, then decided on a split level, because it has large grounds that can be subdivided later. They moved us here with promises of ramps, and other assistance. We have been here a month, nothing has been done, and I haven't been outside because I cant climb the stairs to come in. We have 2 steps up to the bedroom. 10 steps up to the front door outside, 11 steps down leading to the back door, and quarter of an acre garden which we can't maintain. It has taken since last May to get this far. We are destroyed healthwise, get virtually no help or visits from the family with three teenage boys, and don't know where to turn. Do we confront, just accept it, or just find somewhere and move out. I am very ill, and my fit and healthy husband is completely exhausted going up and down stairs. We are only just surviving and have no one else to help as our two sons live too far away. Can you advise us? We are in Queensland Australia.

Yehbutnobut Mon 10-Feb-20 07:46:59

Sit down with family and tell them what’s what. Then depending on their reaction, decide.

mumofmadboys Mon 10-Feb-20 08:06:54

Perhaps your family don't realise how difficult you are finding things. Tell them you are sorry but at the moment this house is not suiting you at all. Make a list of things which will need to be sorted for it to be suitable. Tell them you are grateful for all their help so far. Hope things sort themselves out.

Humbertbear Mon 10-Feb-20 08:21:34

I agree that you should sit down with the family and explain the situation but I wonder if you have the same sort of Social Services that we have in England? If you do, they might install ramps for you. I hope you can get this sorted out soon.

Marilla Mon 10-Feb-20 08:54:26

This is a terribly sad situation. Can’t your daughter see how distressing the move has been for you and your husband?
You haven’t been outdoors since the move and your dear husband is exhausted.
Call her today and don’t accept any excuses. Find the energy to TELL her exactly how life has become and all the practical problems associated with the house.

As others have suggested, you need to contact social services and find out what advice and help can be given.

I would definitely begin to look on line and see what other rental accommodation is out there. Don’t let anyone else make that decision for you. You and your husband need to choose where you live.

Do let us know how things progress.

Juliet27 Mon 10-Feb-20 09:01:21

Sounds to me as though they were just feathering their own nest. Buying what would suit them as an investment not what was suitable for you...or is that rather harsh?

Marilla Mon 10-Feb-20 09:05:15

I agree with you Juliet. Not harsh, but true!

Ellianne Mon 10-Feb-20 10:08:42

On a practical level the house they chose does sound as though it would let easily. Tell your family to do just that and pay for you to rent somewhere more suitable with the money. Give them a list of what you want or don't want, adaptations being unacceptable to you.

RonsGranFranksGran Mon 10-Feb-20 10:15:20

Tell them you need a bungalow. They are wealthy. They won’t lose out on the unsuitable property. One word. Bungalow.

jaylucy Mon 10-Feb-20 10:19:08

Sorry, but this house first and lastly is an investment, not a home for the parents, one of which has severe health problems. What part of "no stairs/steps" does your daughter and partner not understand?
I think that you need to be straight with them and tell them that you will be moving and why. What happened to the house that you were previously living in ? Was it sold and the proceeds used to pay for this house? If that is the case, more consultation with you should have been done- not difficult to send photos or videos in this day and age.
Suggest that you and your husband look around for a unit , maybe in a retired complex , even if it means that you have to rent.

Rcerst Mon 10-Feb-20 10:31:05

I'd write a letter, no actually I'd show them this. It says it all. Having a conversation when you're this I'll could destroy you if it goes the wrong way. I agree with the above, it's their investment and they've used you as easy tennants

polnan Mon 10-Feb-20 10:34:21

praying for you, I am otherwise speechless.. hugs for you also if you are not averse to hugs

Gingergirl Mon 10-Feb-20 10:34:34

This is awful and I understand if you feel hostile towards them, which is what I’m sensing. I would urgently discuss it with them....if you don’t like the response, for the sake of your physical and mental health, I would move to somewhere you want to be. Good luck.

JulieMM Mon 10-Feb-20 10:51:32

I agree with others who have suggested this is an investment for your daughter and family. Quite a heartless one sadly. They sound totally wrapped up in their own lives and probably have forgotten all the adaptations they promised.
If I were you I would get quotes from reputable professionals who can make the ramps etc that you desperately need as well as gardeners.
Send these to your daughter reminding her pleasantly of your difficulties and saying these companies can start on the modifications immediately; you appreciate how busy she is so have gone ahead yourselves to save time; you will arrange to send the invoices directly to them.
I think it would be a shame to risk falling out with them whilst you are so vulnerable and may need them on side if health matters deteriorate. Putting these modifications in place immediately will give you the time you need to find somewhere more suitable for your needs.
All the best. X

CarlyD7 Mon 10-Feb-20 11:11:28

Yes, bought for a good investment rather than what suits you, I'm afraid. Sounds like it's time to start contacting estate agents in the area - to get an idea of what is available for how much. Then, call a family meeting and explain that the property is totally unsuitable for you and detrimental to both of your healths, and you fear that you will need to move out unless ramps are fitted immediately. That will either galvanise them into action or it won't. Either way you'll know. And YES your sons are far away but you are still their parents - they need to give you both support, in whatever way they can. These days, geographical distance is not an excuse for doing nothing.

Naty Mon 10-Feb-20 11:31:35

Thank them and tell them how hard things are. They are wealthy and probably have high powered careers trying to keep it all afloat. Just be honest.

Fiachna50 Mon 10-Feb-20 11:32:34

Im with Carly D. There is no way I would be staying in a house where I was a prisoner. You stipulated what was suitable, what on earth were they thinking. Sadly, they sound like many families. Alot of promises but nothing ever done.

Jillybird Mon 10-Feb-20 11:39:13

That's a ridiculous situation. They can let the house to someone else who CAN do stairs. In the meantime, you and your husband can look for somewhere else to rent.

Of course, if they're really that wealthy they could pay to install ramps, lifts etc. or even buy a bungalow for you...

Surely they can see that you can't access the spaces??? I'm only 71 and otherwise if pretty good health but have arthritic knees so would be mighty unhappy if what has happened to you had happened to me! My adult children know full well I struggle with stairs. What a foolish decision on their part!

Good Luck!

cupaffull Mon 10-Feb-20 12:30:14

Oh dear how sad, it's difficult to know what to say tbh.

You've been living 100km away so haven't ever been an immediate consideration until your circumstances changed. They perhaps have no appreciation how vulnerable you feel.

To be charitable, it sounds like they are a very busy family trying to keep everything afloat but haven't really thought through your needs.
Have they even been round to assess what you can and can't do? Could they, or you arrange for an Occupational Therapist to visit ?
...Do you have social services over there that might assist or come out and assess you in your home?

...Or perhaps invite them for Sunday lunch to discuss the limitations of the property and in preparation make a list of adjustments that need doing.
...Ask if they would like you to source and obtain quotes from contractors.. that can be done via traders websites.

Are you paying a fair rental or are they treating you as caretakers for an investment property?
Possibly you could rent a suitable property anywhere - contact local Estate agents to get onto mailing lists.
Alternatively, if they are thinking of subdividing the garden, could they level apart of it and site a Residential Park Home for you. They can be bought immediately, from the manufacturers, kitted out and decorated so nothing for you to do. Best of luck.x

Sussexborn Mon 10-Feb-20 12:35:06

Seems that your daughter lost sight of the reasons for your move. Not that uncommon for children to not want to acknowledge that their parents are ageing. Is the wealth jointly owned by your daughter and her partner? Is there any likelihood that he isn’t as keen to help as she is?

If you are paying them rent then perhaps give notice that you will have to move as this property is unsuitable. Even with various ramps it would be hard work. If you can reach an agreement would lifts work rather than ramps?

Do you have organisations such as Age Concern who could help you to negotiate with your family or help you find a bungalow or ground floor flat?

Davidhs Mon 10-Feb-20 12:52:28

You don’t need ramps you need lifts, they are of course more costly and are a compromise anyway. The best solution would be a retirement bungalow or apartment with proper provision for your needs

icanhandthemback Mon 10-Feb-20 13:32:59

Do you have to rent from them? Could you find somewhere nearby which was more suited to your needs? We rented one of our properties to family and decided, never again. They had always lived in military properties and had kept them perfect. When it came to ours, they virtually wrecked it. We didn't say much but we were relieved when they moved out!

notanan2 Mon 10-Feb-20 13:42:21

Will the rent you pay now cover open market rent for somewhere more suitable? If so, move, ASAP. Staying and "fighting" for what was promised will just affect your health and exhsust you

If you cant afford to move and are stuck then you've gotta go hand in cap begging for the alterations. I think you should avoid this scenario if you can. It will damage family relations and wear you out!

cannotbelieveiamaskingthis208 Mon 10-Feb-20 14:56:34

I don't really have too much to add that hasn't already been said but I am sorry for how difficult this situation must be for you and your husband.

Maremia Mon 10-Feb-20 17:26:30

Good advice here as usual. Work out if you can afford to rent in a more suitable building elsewhere. Once you know that, adapt the advice given here, to negotiate with the family, to get what you want and need. Good luck.