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Same old same old

(30 Posts)
Namsnanny Mon 17-Feb-20 17:02:15

I'm fuming! My husband has just gone outside and cut my prized rose down!!
Even as I was begging him to stop he carried on and on and cut at least 4 more stems to the ground.
He has form, he's done things like this before so I know he did it on purpose.
Sorry my nmother was the same, so I understand this stupid game.
She had half the plants in the garden killed or dug up to upset my Father, so I guess according to the experts I only have myself to blame for picking someone similar.

I can just imagine how ridiculous I sound, getting het up like this, but dealing with this narcissistic passive aggressive behaviour is so exhausting.
Too tired too sad to know or even care what to do about it. I just wanted to vent to someone

grandMattie Mon 17-Feb-20 17:04:47

I,m so sorry. It must be dreadful to have someone wrecking things just to p..s you off! flowers

tanith Mon 17-Feb-20 17:08:01

That’s horrendous don’t think I’d be able to put up with with such spiteful behaviour without retaliating. ?

rosenoir Mon 17-Feb-20 17:09:33

So sorry, what does he say when you ask him why he is a petty, controlling tosser?

Juliet27 Mon 17-Feb-20 17:11:06

But at least you caught him doing it. Mine would do it secretly and deny he knew anything about it. He once told me a squirrel had broken branches of my acer, despite there being clean cuts. I know how angry you must be feeling.

Teetime Mon 17-Feb-20 17:14:57

Oh No. I'm so sorry I dont know what to say.

Oopsadaisy3 Mon 17-Feb-20 17:31:59

I’m sure , if you sit and have a think, there is something that he loves that you can chop up?

Don’t get cross, get even

MerylStreep Mon 17-Feb-20 17:35:52

I have to 'prune in private'
My OH isn't a gardener and just can't understand the theory.

janeainsworth Mon 17-Feb-20 17:38:03

If he didn’t actually uproot it, it should grow again, and probably be better for it.
Give it lots of compost mulch and in a few weeks’ time a good feed.

Yennifer Mon 17-Feb-20 17:38:49

I'm so sorry you have been stuck in the same old patterns but I'm so happy you recognise it now instead of thinking you are going mad! x

Callistemon Mon 17-Feb-20 18:01:01

The rose may well be fine, Namsnanny, as janea says, give it mulch. It may even do it good. ?

However, it's not just about the rose so I can understand you are at the end of your tether.
How to break this cycle of behaviour?
I don't know, but perhaps other posters can help.

nanaK54 Mon 17-Feb-20 18:05:32

I'm so sorry flowers

Yennifer Mon 17-Feb-20 18:07:26

Have you heard about grey Rock Namsnanny? I read it somewhere here but can't remember where. It's about being so boring a narcissist gives up trying to get a rise out of you x

Urmstongran Mon 17-Feb-20 18:42:08

He must be a horrid man to do things to hurt you on purpose. Weird behaviour indeed.
? these are for you dear lady. x

Curlywhirly Mon 17-Feb-20 18:59:37

Do you do the cooking Namsnanny? Well, if you do, I'd be cooking him some horrible meals - accidently over-salting, burning, not cooking it enough, adding far too much chilli etc. Childish I know, but, I'd have to do something!!

Namsnanny Mon 17-Feb-20 19:02:22

Thanks so much for the replies, just being listened to makes thing gain perspective.
What a stupid way to live life!

Yennifer … No I haven't but I'll look it up, at least it will give me something positive to concentrate on smile

Thanks for the flowers nanaK54 they have helped. Now some for you thanks

Callistemon and janea … I think that's a good suggestion. Also it will give me something to look forward to (the new growth etc).
It will be fun to nurture the rose and take care of it, rather than festering.
Thanks for helping me turn a negative into a positive smile

Merylstreep .. Yes I should have learned to hide the secateurs and do it myself!

Oopsadaisy … Haha! don't tempt me grin

Teetime … just reading and replying was enough Thanks!

Juliet27 … Lets get them together, and let them loose in a forest where they can cut anything and everything, whilst we enjoy our gardens by ourselves.
Squirrels? I know they nibble but??

rosenoir … tried that. Water off a ducks back, he says 'What moi?'

Tanith … I have retaliated in the past, but it smacks of 'playing the game'.
I'm not above retaliation, just doesn't change anything.

GrandMattie … It is and your right it is to p*ss me off angry

I cant tell you how much it has helped to have people care enough to reply

Hetty58 Mon 17-Feb-20 19:05:52

Next time, pretend to not notice. Don't react at all. That will really p*ss him off!

Callistemon Mon 17-Feb-20 19:07:14

I wondered if you'd had a row at all Namsnanny?
Perhaps he was angry and, if so, it was probably better to take it out on your precious rose than directly on you.

Not easy to live with though.

TrendyNannie6 Mon 17-Feb-20 19:07:59

You don’t sound ridiculous at all namsnanny, aww I feel for you, what an awful thing to do and totally childish

Callistemon Mon 17-Feb-20 19:09:49

You could take the wind out of his sails:
"Thank you, dear, I've been meaning to prune that rose for ages, but the weather has been too bad. Lucky you didn't get blown away in the storm."

Namsnanny Mon 17-Feb-20 19:23:54

curleywhirley… One thing I still do (cant do much housework etc) is fill the washing machine. Maybe some things might just might find themselves in a boil wash next time wink

Urmstongran … Thanks so much for your post, reading that you understand is so helpful.thanks

NanKate Mon 17-Feb-20 19:30:44

I know everyone reacts differently but I would tell him how unacceptable his behaviour is and that I would be taking a break from his behaviour. Perhaps go out for the day, have lunch out. Take a book, go to the cinema. I would tell him there is food in the fridge and to look after himself.

Are you prepared to put up with this man who takes pleasure in making you sad? Or are you going to let him continue being a cruel Ba**ard ?

Nam ?

Grandad1943 Mon 17-Feb-20 19:36:28

It is now the time of year to be pruning back roses Namsnanny. I have a large number of a wild rose variety that form two hedges at the front of the house. They look and smell beautiful when they flower for many weeks in summer that people often comment on them when we are out there.
However, we have to prune them back very hard at this time of year if they are to reach that splendour in the coming months. However, people often look at what we are doing during the cutback and ask "will they survive that" as the look at the roses pruned to only a few inches from the ground.

You sometimes have to be cruel to be kind with plants. We would have begun the pruning by now normally but work and the weather have made that impossible.

We may have to get our tree man in to do them if things do not improve rapidly in the next week or so.

Namsnanny Mon 17-Feb-20 19:49:28

You're right Callistemon , there was a reason he did what he did. There was a long time between each situation and it seemed as if normality had resumed, but clearly not.

That's one of the problems with being together 24/7, things get hot housed with no space to cool down.

I do envy people who have reached this stage in their lives and have gained the insight to avoid annoying each other!

It is a much nicer way to look at it as you suggested, ie that he didn't want to take it out on me so the rose suffered!
Rather than my take on it which was that he festered and found something I loved to destroy and hurt my feelings.

I prefer your interpretation. smile

Trendynannie… What a nice thing to say Thankyou!

Hetty58 ...I think your suggestion is very wise and food for thought!

annep1 Mon 17-Feb-20 20:14:52

I don't know anything about you, Namsnanny but you say you can't do much so I assume leaving him is out of the question. I wouldn't want to be with someone who treated me so rudely.
Being together 24/7 is difficult.
My husband and I are retired. When we are at home we do our own things and arrange together time. It works well. I have tv, desk, art stuff etc in my bedroom where I am now. I love time alone.
Maybe you should try that. In any case don't let him stress you. Walk away from him.