My husband won’t move near our son

I think not feeling happy in your home town is important and your son and wife sound very kind...Is your husband not affected by the bullying you experienced? does he stay in? You have my full sympathy and I hope - (in about a year!) you will manage to move nearer your son. You are being totally reasonable.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

My brother moved with his wife last year out of London at the age of 65 from the home he had lived in his entire life. His wife has been wanting to move for years to a home of their own with a garden, but he is a Londoner through and through and our family roots to the area go back at least 200 years and for his wife, persuading him to leave was like pulling teeth, but when their son moved to the Midlands he saw it was a place he could live with all the things that were important to him available (real ale pubs and country paths on the doorstep where he could continue his regular runs and a mainline station)so they have gone to the same town in the knowledge that even if their son moves away it is a place they can settle in. It also has excellent fast rail services to London so he is able to see his friends as regularly as he cares to. They are still adjusting to the changes but are happy they made the move and especially glad to have sold up last year and not be in London during this pandemic. I feel you need to talk to your husband and tell him how unhappy you are. Check out travel links. Would he consider a trial? Like renting a house for 6 months to see if he likes it?. Or you taking a short term rental alone. It would make him realise how serious you are. They say it is the over 60s who make up the largest proportion of divorces now and you can see why. We only have one life. If you can't do that and he really won't budge at least you have the knowledge that if he dies before you you WILL be moving and with noone to prevent you.

Brother and SIL moved when they retired - about 10years ago - now very well settled and in the community but both say it was VERY hard work getting integrated at that age as most other people are well in their social routines........mind you all that is changing now!
Would DH consider taking a 6month rental in the area you want to go to? Then you could both - and son - see how it pans out......

Not even an hour really,it takes us 1 hour& 20 minutes to go 72 miles by motorway when i want to see rest of my family.(live with 2 youngest but thankfully one now drives) but yes,you sadly may have to make the move alone if its really what you want.depends wether youd be happier with or without you're hubby,or living the life you'd rather have? I think you know the answer,but you want us to 'give you permission' that its ok to want to do this?

Everyone should be open to suggestions,dillyduck,or new adventures,its very narrow minded to not move or want to from the one place all your life,very 'child-like' in your view of the world!

Hi ..It's difficult one but if even one of you works you won't see each other that often anyway . Evenings home from work - you cook , clean , watch TV . Obviously after this - could you meet up in the middle at a pub or restaurant say twice a month . People move around a lot for work . Imagine if he has to move again for any reason .

You should have maybe moved in with your son for a bit before we got this ban,just to 'test the waters' as it were- then maybe you& you're hubby could see what its like being apart first- too late now& you're stuck inside with him for goodness knows how long! Yes i can see loads of divorces going through after this enforced lock-in! Thank goodness i got mine years ago!( incidentally,was same,really,he suggested we move out of area,i sorted out a house,then in end he didn't want to move from where he'd been born& brought up! & we weren't even anywhere near pension age!)im glad i made the move,ive been happy here.

It seems to be mainly a man-thing.

40 miles is nothing for some but a difficult journey for others. My children have asked me not to move too far away when I get older, at the moment one lives about 5 miles away and works nearby, the other lives about an hour and a half motorway drive away. I've lived here for many years but still have a hankering to move back home, but, once Mum is gone I have no family there, and to visit either of them would mean a long journey, so thought that the best thing to do would be to stay put, I visit Mum [in normal times] for 5 or 6 days at a time or maybe a week, am lucky in that I do work from home. Neither child could do this with their job. When Mum is gone I can still visit the area, as a tourist. My inlaws lived a couple of hours on a good day journey in the car on the train, no buses in their area. My brother in law lived not far from us here, about 15 miles away. To help them meant either all weekend, or taking leave for him and his brother, and when a crisis happened, as crises do happen it was an absolute nightmare, they were reluctant to get in carers so it was a worry....life would have been so much better for them had they moved somewhere within easy reach of both their children, there is a town that many retired people live in about 15 minutes drive from BIL and us, someone could have seen them every day, most crises would not have happened. They would have seen all their family often and honestly life would have been easier for everyone. But even though they rarely went out, and wanted to stay for their friends, to be honest, those of their friends who were still alive couldn't visit and they turned down offers of help from the statutory authorities and friends on the grounds that their children were looking after them, they did not seem to realise how hard it made it for those children, who still needed to work. When MIL died and FIL HAD to be moved nearer he had so many more visitors and much happier life. It wasn't just one difficult year it was several, with crisis after crisis, and the strain on the distant children was horrendous. I had a difficult year when my dad was unwell but was able to visit and stay so while not ideal it was not nearly as bad as with the inlaws.
If you would make it difficult for your children like this, do seriously consider whether it would be best for everyone if you did move. It is obviously harder to move as you get older and frailer but it might be better even if it is later than ideal. And get yourself powers of attorney, if one of you develops dementia it is too late to do and going to the court of protection is a dearer way to do it and a harder way.
Everyone's situation is different, so no one can say do this do that to anyone else, but please consider what will happen, have crisis plans and do your best to protect yourself when you need help at whatever time in the future. 40 miles is not too far away in a one off crisis but if the situation becomes chronic it is a big strain on the person needing to do the visiting, it's not 40 miles is it it's 80 miles there and back. I have friends 40 miles away and usually when I see them it's an overnight stay. If the OP's son has a business it is perhaps unlikely that he will up sticks and go off elsewhere, but to be honest if at any point he does and you are not nearby there will not be much to keep him there.

My husband said No to our son’s request too. Then he had a mild heart attack and I took the opportunity when discussing the future to mention it again!
We did it and he and I could not be happier Far more opportunities for my husband’s interests. I have met some fabulous new people and of course we see more of the young family. I got there in the end ??

From the range of replies, it’s clear that there’s no “one size fits all” solution.
Clearly there can be pitfalls to moving, but unless you are in possession of a crystal ball, there’s no way to see the future.
If your son’s marriage is solid and he has a local safe job and they both want to stay in their present location, who can say that anything will change?
If the opposite is true, then again, who can say what will happen.
40 miles can be a doddle of a journey or a nightmare depending on whether you drive, have disabilities etc.
40 miles for your son could mean the difference between a once a fortnight visit and a regular drop by.
As many other wise people have suggested, use this time to draw up a list of positives and negatives for each of you, but do it together.
I think you need to analyse your reasons and needs until you’re certain what’s best for you. The same for him. Then discuss the compromises possible. If there are none, are you prepared to sacrifice your marriage? Would you regret breaking that up? Could you move without him?
On the face of it, it looks clearcut- you are unhappy in your home town, the move would be only 40 miles away, so still chance to keep in touch with local friends. You have family who want you to move and friends there already.
The only obstacle is your husband’s present state of mind. He’s settled and his fear of change is possibly blinding him to future needs. You can’t predict the future, but you can have a good guess at it, so start talking, discussing etc, thinking about both of you and your needs.

People don’t budge unless there is something in it for them. You are the one who wants to move. That isn’t a good enough reason for him to upend his life. Furthermore the kids left you both and now want you to move closer for their ultimate convenience. That was their decision then—not yours. Your husband probably never had any desire to leave his hometown just because his son did. Unless you come up with a reason that would want to make him move, you might be stuck until there is a health crisis.

Have you told your husband about the bullying and how this has made you feel? As in actually sat down with him and talked (men can be very bad at listening, especially if they are distracted by anything else). It must be horrible to be feeling pressured by the possible encounter with those who have bullied you and I can understand why you want to move away from that situation. Forty miles isn't far to move realistically, and if being where you are is making you so unhappy it could impact your health and wellbeing so, if a move is possible it should be something you both explore the pros and cons of. To just bluntly refuse to consider the idea isn't helpful. It could be that your OH feels it might make you dependent on your son and he doesn't want to put that burden on him. Someone else mentioned that, perhaps, your son might want or need to move in the future, if that is at all possible then would you be willing to upsticks and move again? Would your OH consider a move elsewhere so that you are not near those who bullied you? Maybe draw a 40 miles circle around your son's address and see what options you might have? Final thought - have you had any help with how you feel about being bullied? Sometimes people find counselling useful.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. I could understand it if you were both happy where you currently live but you are not because of the awful people who bullied you. You could move and start a new life for both of you. It’s a difficult one though obviously. Perhaps sit down and explain to your husband how you really feel and ask what his reasons are for staying. If you have a relaxed, no pressure and non argumentative conversation perhaps you could come to a mutually agreeable decision. Good luck xx

I feel that I would be blessed to have my children 40 miles away instead of 5000+ miles. However, this is not the issue. 40 miles, depending on where you live, is less than an hour away. I go shopping in a town that's 40 miles away and it takes me about an hour so it is not at all surprising that your husband doesn't want to move. However, I'm not sure what the issue is. Do you want to be near you son or do you want to escape from the bullies your worked with. If it is the latter then perhaps you should try to find some counselling. You have lived there for 50 years so you must have a life there - friends, other family members etc. Instead why don't you make more frequent visits (of course not at the moment) either on your own or with your husband - or weekend visits if there is a place to stay.

We are trying to move close to our oldest daughter, but the decision has taken a long time coming.

40 miles isn’t far , but is it more to do with the bullying aspect and feeling very vulnerable, that must be awful to be scared to go out locally! So I totally feel for you, at the moment and for the foreseeable future a lot of us are self isolating so it’s going to feel worse for you, as you can’t really make any plans no one can, I hope your Dh can sort something out maybe when all of this covid19 situation is over even if you both took off to the area for odd week stays

Forty miles is not a huge distance - my son lives 38 miles away and I can be at his house in less than an hour. Like others posting here, I see there are bigger issues than this quite reasonable distance. If you felt happy and content with your house and the area, would you really need to move closer? You really need to talk - that surely is the answer. Good luck with this.

We have 2 issues here - totally independent
1. Moving
2. Your being bullied at work

Why not looking for another job?
That would fix issue no. 2

Team husband. 40 miles is nothing

Stay where you are if your son can get to you and you to him, then make the most of the time when you do see each other. Join clubs in his area and start doing things with your husband in that area and maybe he will start to see its benefits. If not then at least you will be away from your home more and then when/if he dies before you, you will have already established yourself in that area and have made new friends there. Sorry if its sounds harsh not meant to be just that I know what its like to live somewhere and not be happy.

I really sympathise with you. Like you I have a husband who doesn't want to move. He only sits on the sofa, doesn't go anywhere, do anything. I on the other hand am very different. I want to move to be close to granddaughter I don't drive and otherwise need train and a very long walk. I want to pick her up from school when she goes she is the only grandchild and there won't be anymore. Where they live houses are cheaper so we would have some much needed cash over. There is a gym a cinema lots of things which I haven't now got. It's got to the point that Ruby anniversary on Friday or not I am seriously thinking of parting from him otherwise I will not have the life I desperately want. You are only here once after all. Good luck.

I'd do more to persuade DH of the merits of moving.
And then, if he doesn't want to go and it was financially possible, move by myself and to hell with the miserable stick in the mud. It may be that he was born and raised in your current town, but you already did your bit years ago moving to suit him. If he can't do the same for you now, when it matters so much to you and has so many positives, he doesn't deserve you.

My dh is the same, from farming stock he has lived here all his life. I have often thought how odd it must me to be U.K. In e same place for ever but he's content with it and wouldn't
Have it any other way.
You won't be able to change that, so forget moving.
My daughter lives 200 plus miles away, he has been to their house twice in 20 years. If I want to visit a see my grandkids I get on a train, actually three trains, and visit on your own.
I don't think your marriage is over, he's just different, a you must me your own arrangements. I visit every two months or so for a week at a time and it works well. Do your own thing.

I have no idea where the UK came from. I should reas the preview!