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My husband won’t move near our son

(91 Posts)
ruthiek Sun 29-Mar-20 18:53:12

Our only son moved 40 miles away a few years ago, as we have got older he continues to ask us to move nearer him. He usually does it through me !
My husband has never lived or worked anywhere but his hometown (whereas I moved here 50 years ago to marry him) and is refusing to move saying he doesn’t want to move.

Or son lives in a lovely part of the country with all the things we like to do on the doorstep and I know we would be very happy and part of his extended family . I am desperate to move as I was bullied quite badly in my previous workplace and have become afraid to go out in the local area because the people that did it are quite prominent in the community still.

With the corona virus it has brought to a head my fears at how it will be once I retire and just want a new start but he refuses to discuss it , am I being unfair.

Lizbethann55 Mon 30-Mar-20 19:19:54

I presume all those that say 40 miles isn't far are still driving? Normally I would be dead against moving somewhere just to be near your family, but I think there is far more to this than just that ruthiek is obviously very unhappy where she is due to the bullying and doesn't feel happy or relaxed or even safe where she lives. If her son's business is in this other place there is little chance of him moving and she says she is friends with his inlaws. Have you discussed moving with them? What do they think? Can you make a life there which wouldn't revolve around your son?. What facilities are there for when you get older? You can't do anything just now because of the situation but perhaps you could use this time to discuss your future. Good luck

Callistemon Mon 30-Mar-20 19:54:35

We do realise we may not be able to drive one day but where we live is fairly convenient and we know the area.

Our family who live near would still be able to drive to visit us.

JudyT Mon 30-Mar-20 23:03:06

It sounds as though the real issue is the local bullying. Is there anyone who could intervene and start to sort that out? On WhatsApp?

paddyanne Mon 30-Mar-20 23:34:19

I dont think theres anything worng with living your life in one place .I've been here since I was 12 and always lived within a mile of where my parents brought us to.I love my home,and the area and its possible to go outwith it for holidays or visits and we love coming home.
I often think people who are constantly on the move must be very discontented.I've been married to one man for 45 years and worked beside him every day too so I must really be odd to some of you .If your husband doesn't want to go then thats his choice ,if a compromise cant be reached then you must decide whethere he and your marriage are more important than living beside your son .My daughter would like us to move 35 miles to be nearer to her but we'd rather visit and help than move .Your son is a grown up,unless there are specific reasons why he NEEDS you near I think your OH is right .Why disrupt your life

Lizbethann55 Tue 31-Mar-20 00:49:07

Like you paddyanne I have lived in the same place all my life. In fact I have only ever lived in three homes. One home from being born to getting married. Our first marital home for 7 years (which was the other side of a park from home one) and this one for 33 years which is literally a hundred yards or so from my childhood home. Sometimes I would truly love to live somewhere else and we had dreamt about retiring to north Lancashire/south Cumbria, but DD2 has moved back just a minutes walk away with SiL and 2DGDs, so that has scuppered those plans! But I can't imagine anything worse than not feeling happy or at ease where you live, and I think that is the main issue here. To be bullied as an adult must be horrific. None of the avenues of hope open to bullied children really apply when you are grown up. I hope whatever decision is finally made , ruthiek finds peace and contentment.

Purplepixie Tue 31-Mar-20 01:05:54

I think the main issue here is the bullying and not living near to your son. My mam used to say that it was unwise to move near to our children and she was so right as one of my sons has lived all over the UK. None of us can go anywhere right now so use this time of isolation to think things through. Why are you bullied? Who are the people bullying you? Could you go to the police in the future if it got really bad? Have a chat with your husband and point out just how unhappy you are and maybe come to some agreement with him. Perhaps move to an area that is slightly away from the one that you are now but not on top of your son.I feel the sadness in your post but moving to be near to your son isn’t the answer you need to tackle the bullying first. Take care and let us know how you get on.

drifter Tue 31-Mar-20 01:49:41

A son is his mothers .till he gains a wife.and time he flies the nest to start a new life.but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of your pushing on 70 come from a big family.ive had 5 children i lost my eldest from cancer 2 years ago she was 43 years old.i have many grandkids and 2 great grand children and live within a 50 mile radius of happy.and they are.we are all a phone call away if we want to get together

Hawera1 Tue 31-Mar-20 02:14:19

We.moved our sons to.retire. Big mistake. Our daughter in law doesn't like us and we hardly see.them or our grandson. We don't know anyone here either so.have no friends and can't make any as I.have become ill.

Dinahmo Tue 31-Mar-20 12:56:04

When I lived in Suffolk an elderly lady moved in to our village. She was following her daughter who had moved from Kent to Suffolk. A few years later daughter and family moved on and so she also moved.

It's good if younger generations live reasonably close - it's easier for them to call for 15 minutes or so, regularly rather than having to drive long distances and then make a much longer visit which can sometimes go wrong.

It happened in my own family when I was young. My grandmother had moved to Clacton from Hastings (we lived the other side of Essex) My father (an only child who didn't particularly like his mother) used to drive over to see her every Saturday. It would take up most of the day and he always came back with a migraine. If she had moved nearer we, her GC could have visited too. We were all living away from home but visited our parents occasionally and could have popped in to see her too.

I'm sad too to read about grandparents not seeing their GCs.
My paternal grandmother didn't like my parents having 4 children by the time they were 28 but that didn't stop us all getting together occasionally. Those grandparents were special to me. They lived until I was in my mid twenties and introduced me to various activities that i still enjoy today.

I think that the generations need to talk more about important subjects rather than keeping quiet about them.
important subjects.

ValerieF Tue 31-Mar-20 18:29:33

Step back Ruth. Why does your son want you to move nearer? Does he think he will help you or you will help him?

Have you ever expressed to your husband you want to move to another area. Have you talked about your retirement in any way?

I would discuss with husband first and foremost, leaving out where son lives. Ask him if he has ever thought about where he would like to live in retirement. If he decides it is where he is and you decide you want elsewhere then you have to put your reasons forward and not just because your son lives there. 40 miles away from a child is not that big a distance. Being happy where you live is more important.

eebeew Wed 01-Apr-20 04:41:05

We moved to be in the same city as our two daughters. We all live within 10 minutes of each other. I see them about once a week and I don’t expect to see them more often as they are busy with work and living their own lives. The thing is we can see each other if we need to.
We are both in our 70s and it’s true that you are unlikely to make friends at that age but we have various groups including U3A that we go to.
If your DH wants to stay in the place he has lived all his life and where he is part of the community I think you will have to accept it or you will both be very unhappy.
As others say 40 miles is hardly any distance so not really worth getting upset about.
The ex-colleagues living in the same area is another matter but don’t let the fear of them bully you into moving. They no longer have any real power over you. Perhaps as has been suggested counselling would be helpful.

Heather23 Tue 21-Apr-20 12:08:00

I hear your frustration Ruthiek and desire to have a new start and to be nearer your only (?) family. 40 miles is a distance - if you were need to support down the line, an 80 mile round trip may well deter your son or daughter-in-law from coming too often. We do need to look and plan for the future rather than leave it too late. Moving takes energy (and money) and it needs to be something you both want otherwise there will be resentment. Planning for your retirement is essential - hubby and I downsized within our large village so that we could walk to the shops and amenities and have a smaller garden and less maintenance, etc, etc. We are very fortunate that both our children are within 10 miles and my mother in her mid-90's a similar distance so we didn't need to consider moving location. However, my mother did not downsize or wish to move anywhere else, not thinking of a time when she would be unable to cope with house and garden and I now find myself her chief carer and taking care of all these things for her. I think it is only fair on our children for parents to think of these things before it is too late to change/move. It sounds as though your OH is reluctant to look ahead and take responsibility for his and your future - does he have family and friends where you are who he doesn't wish to leave? Many people bury their heads in the sand and cannot foresee a time when their life will be very different and potentially very difficult. Having family nearby is a godsend (if you get on of course!). Is there a compromise to be reached somewhere? It is, as previously said, a risk to move nearer your son, if there is a possibility that they may wish to move again. Counselling for yourself would be really helpful, I believe, to help you move on from the bullying of your past and to find yourself and a positive future, wherever that may be. Good luck.

FlyingHandbag Tue 21-Apr-20 14:35:35

Why should you stay in a place you hate as your husband won’t move? Give him an ultimatum “I am moving to be with DS. It is your choice whether or not you follow suit.”

Grandad1943 Tue 21-Apr-20 15:34:43

I feel that if a member of our family were to just talk to me or my wife singularly in regard to both of us moving closer to them I would be upset and that would bring me to resisting any change.

I would certainly take the matter up with whoever was approaching just one of us in regard to their action before even talking about possibilities of actually moving.

In regard to the OP bringing into this issue that she was bullied at work, I cannot see that the issue should be brought into this matter whatsoever. The bullying in the workplace should have been taken up by the OP under the grievance and disciplinary legislation and procedure prior to her leaving the company.

So, in short, the OP should have told her son to talk to BOTH OF THEM TOGETHER in regard to moving, and not bring past issues that have no bearing on this matter into the problem

I also hope that the OP will disregard those on this forum who's only answer to any problem is to break up the marriage or partnership.

Callistemon Tue 21-Apr-20 16:06:19

I have heard of people who have moved to be nearer to their children but then the younger family has had to move again with work and elderly parents are either left in a place where they have no roots, no friends, or have to face the upheaval and expense of moving again.