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My husband won’t move near our son

(91 Posts)
ruthiek Sun 29-Mar-20 18:53:12

Our only son moved 40 miles away a few years ago, as we have got older he continues to ask us to move nearer him. He usually does it through me !
My husband has never lived or worked anywhere but his hometown (whereas I moved here 50 years ago to marry him) and is refusing to move saying he doesn’t want to move.

Or son lives in a lovely part of the country with all the things we like to do on the doorstep and I know we would be very happy and part of his extended family . I am desperate to move as I was bullied quite badly in my previous workplace and have become afraid to go out in the local area because the people that did it are quite prominent in the community still.

With the corona virus it has brought to a head my fears at how it will be once I retire and just want a new start but he refuses to discuss it , am I being unfair.

sodapop Mon 30-Mar-20 09:45:04

I agree NotSpaghetti I think the issue is with the bullying and not so much about being close to her son.
Your advice is spot on I think.
Good luck ruthiek

grannypiper Mon 30-Mar-20 09:52:59

Why do you need to move, its only a 40 mile trip for your Son. Crikey, i have a 10 mile journey to get to the shop !

Alexa Mon 30-Mar-20 10:08:27

Ruthiek, I feel for you. If you did move near your son, and then your son moved away, you could follow him to his new place. You are very fortunate in having a son who wants you near him he sounds an absolute gem.

Based on you original post, Ruthiek, you have more reasons for moving than your husband has for staying.

I guess you resent your husband's fear, or lack of imagination, whatever it is. However what others have said applies. It's only forty miles. And the raging infection all around puts house- moving plans on hold for months, so you don't need to decide and your husband can continue in comfort where he is happiest.

TerryM Mon 30-Mar-20 10:17:51

We are about the same from our son perhaps a little less. Son would love us to move closer.
However where we live we have our gp, the pharmacist knows us , the hairdresser (I feel I need to say the butcher the Baker etc )
My husband's specialists are over this side of the harbour as well
We know here and though we don't have much support or contact from neighbours we really are comfortable here and if worse comes to it eg covid we could probable ask our neighbours for assistance .

Oopsadaisy3 Mon 30-Mar-20 10:22:20

As Alexa has said it’s all a bit academic at the moment , but when this is all over why not spend a long weekend where your DS lives, stay in a hotel or B and B and have a drive around the area, who knows your DH might find it a good place to live or maybe just want to visit and stay more often.
When our DD lived 50 miles away we visited a couple of times a month, they also came to see us quite often, we thought about moving closer ( briefly) but then they moved 230 miles away, so we were relieved that we hadn’t moved, then they moved again and now they are divorced.
My Mum once said to me “ don’t hitch your wagon to somebody else’s train” but then, my Mum often spoke in riddles rather than just saying what she meant !

Dillyduck Mon 30-Mar-20 10:59:35

Why should he? I'm with him. I've lived in the same area all my life, apart from a 3 years working holiday in Australia. This is where I BELONG. It's really difficult to put into words, but I've worked here, had my kids here, I know everything about the town. You would both have to learn everything about the new town. Why not go and stay for weekends near your son, so you could enjoy his family and then come home again?

Theoddbird Mon 30-Mar-20 11:00:38

This is one of those conversations that will continually go around in circles with no way out of it. At the moment with Covid19 you cannot move as you can't view houses or have anyone look at yours. I suggest that for the time being do not mention the subject at all. Just slowly get rid of things...major spring clean will explain this to him. Get your house ready for viewing when things are back to normal. He might come around...then you will be ready. He is scared of moving...simple. When you can go visiting son again each time point out one lovely thing...just one in passing. The process will be gradual but eventually he might see the positives. The suggestion to move has to come from him. Wishing you luck.

LuckyFour Mon 30-Mar-20 11:05:09

Go on your own to have a look at the area and look at the housing options. Maybe you could find a few very nice houses and perhaps amenities and interests/clubs etc. that your DH would enjoy. You would then have more to offer him.
Alternatively could you move alone. You may find lots of new friends, hobbies and interests if you were on your own.

Aepgirl Mon 30-Mar-20 11:08:56

Well, all thoughts of moving anywhere at the moment can be shelved. Perhaps when all this Covid-19 is all put to rest we will all feel a lot different and your husband may decide that it would then be a good time to move. Who knows what the future will bring.

ecci53 Mon 30-Mar-20 11:15:29

There is no guarantee that your son won't move. I had a friend who'd moved to be near her son in Suffolk. 2 years later, the son moved to Cornwall and then a few years later, to Australia. She always said what a bad idea it had been for her, to move near her son. You and your husband should have a conversation about how you both feel about living where you currently live and what your expectations of retirement are.

chris8888 Mon 30-Mar-20 11:19:55

Sorry but l agree with your hubby its only 40 miles. What if your son moved again or emigrated.

Rachand Mon 30-Mar-20 11:25:31

You say you are good Friends with your ds in-laws perhaps he (the in-laws) could have a chat to your husband about moving nearer, saying how good the area is, perhaps your husband could for instance play golf/bowls etc with him? Good luck.

RomyP Mon 30-Mar-20 11:29:19

We have this from different angle. When my in-laws moved house 16 years ago they moved further away from us, not much further but a far more difficult drive. At the time I'd already had to retire due to ill health and disability and my husband was, and still is, my carer, in addition to working, but they wanted to live in a certain area so moved there, making visiting difficult. 40 miles can be a very long journey when one of you is ill and in pain, believe me. Anyway they got older, his mum had to go into care but visiting was difficult, then she died and we're now left with an 86yr old Dad we can't visit easily, at moment it's not even possible to drive there to stand outside and wave. Had they chosen to move closer to us all those years ago how much easier our lives would be and my FIL would be visited far more regularly by his family. We and our adult children and their families all live within a 5 mile radius, it's so much easier to visit each other and even at the moment if someone is in difficulty re shopping we can help each other out occasionally. If my FIL was nearby it would really be to his benefit, I think they forgot they'd get old and possibly disabled and would need their son's help more over the years, sadly it was their choice and my DH has to put restrictions on visiting etc as we aren't getting younger. I'm now only 5 years younger than MIL was when they moved there plus I have lot of problems that mean I rarely go out, my husband wants to spend time with me, not travelling on motorways and being away from home for 3hrs minimum, usually more like 6 hrs, every time he goes to see his Dad, if only they'd moved closer to us how different it could be.

If your son is unlikely to move from that area I'd suggest trying to discuss the benefits of the move you so desire in hopes that your husband will gradually come round to the idea. He might do, if he doesn't then there's not really much you can do about it. Good luck.

Marjgran Mon 30-Mar-20 11:33:24

40 miles would feel as far as the moon if limited health / mobility.

ReadyMeals Mon 30-Mar-20 11:44:08

I always get irritated by ACs who move, then expect their parents to move to where they are. If the AC wants to be near their parents they should move back to where they came from. And yes I personally know of a number of cases where the parents moved away from the friends and neighbors they'd built up over the years at the suggestion of the AC only to be left alone when the AC moves again.

Maremia Mon 30-Mar-20 11:44:11

I also think that the workplace bullying is a big issue for you. Do you still work among those people? This period of isolation might help to put things into perspective, and give you time to figure out what to do. Hope it works out.

V3ra Mon 30-Mar-20 11:57:41

We wanted my parents to move (160 miles) near us when Mum was ill with Alzheimer's and Dad was struggling to cope. They refused.
Mum died and after being ok for three months Dad went downhill rapidly, didn't look after himself and ended up in a care home.

Finally he agreed to move here eighteen months ago (he was 87).
He has an extra-care apartment 15 minutes from us and help on tap if he needs it.
He enjoys exploring new places and coffee shops locally, and is beginning to make friends.
He comes out with us socially.
We see him once a week normally (we're both still working) but are only minutes away if he needs us. Today for example my husband will drop Dad's food shopping off when my Tesco order arrives this evening.

He's said several times he's in the best place and is glad he's moved.

A two hour round trip might not sound like much now, but will become more of an issue in years to come.

NanaPlenty Mon 30-Mar-20 12:02:33

Hang in there - I decided I wanted to be near my daughter who is 60 miles away (not that far but too far to be able to drop in for a coffeee....). My husband was really not keen, didn’t want to leave our home, where we live etc. After six months of discussions and some sensible suggestions he has done a complete about turn and is now keen to go. I hope it all works out for you.

Chardy Mon 30-Mar-20 12:15:49

40 miles is only nothing if you can drive or there's a direct train link. And we have to stop driving sometime.

Look at your future needs. Are you walking distance from shops and dr? If you're out in the sticks, at 75(?) surely you'll need to move somewhere anyway.

What when one of you needs fulltime care? How will the other one get there?

Nanny27 Mon 30-Mar-20 12:17:08

I’ve had this from a different angle. Several years ago we moved as dh had a new job. My mum decided she would like to move to be near us an sold up, said goodbye to friends and neighbours and bought a lovely cottage in our new village. All was well until, later that year dh was offered a fantastic promotion with a generous relocation package to Scotland. (We were in Hampshire). What could we do? Mum was still settling in and knew no-one. So, after much heart searching he turned it down and we stayed. I think he resented Mum for the rest of her life for his lost opportunity.

EmilyHarburn Mon 30-Mar-20 12:31:58

I had a friend who moved to be near her son. He hardly called in, his wife only occasionally. My friend, had no friends there. Eventually she moved back to the village she had moved from. At least we could still visit her on a regular basis. she was much happier but no longer had her own house and was only able to afford a small flat in a community home. So she lost a lot of amenity.

grandtanteJE65 Mon 30-Mar-20 12:44:04

Moving at our time of life can be very difficult, as it is harder to make friends now than it was when we were young.

I have moved around a lot in my adult life, but I can well understand that your husband who has literally lived in the same place all his life is reluctant to move. I would be too, if I had lived in the same town all my life.

Your son ought to talk to his father, explaining why he would like you both nearer to him. He is being unfair leaving you to broach an unpopular subject to his father.

What would happen, do you think, if you move to where your son is, settle down and he then moves away?

What will you do, if you move, and your husband dislikes the new place?

A more important consideration is that you don't like the place you are living in. Can some of the problems you mention be resolved?

Retirement can be difficult to adjust to - now would be the time to try and take up some new hobbies that you will be able to give more time to when you do retire.

Try to ignore the people who bullied you earlier . They may be prominent, but that surely doesn't mean you need to do more than say good day in passing, if you meet them.

Thecatshatontgemat Mon 30-Mar-20 12:46:55

Men as a rule do not like change, but if you are all for going, then you really need to sit down and talk.
What are his thoughts.
Are your fears real, do you need counselling.
If you did move and then your son moved away again, where does that leave you.
For a start, you are away from your present location, and if it is a perfect as you think, it would be a wonderful new start for you both. You would not be scared to go out and make new friends.
40 miles is a long long way if you have bad health or are unable to drive or have public transport.
I agree with other posters : discuss this now, whilst you cannot move.
Go down there for a week or so when you can.
If the advantages are all you say, that may be what sways him. Or it might end your marriage.
Could you afford to go then if it is just you?
Personally l would give moving a go, l would want to enjoy my retirement, not just exist in fear.

RomyP Mon 30-Mar-20 12:57:23

Marjgran, yes it's a long journey when unwell and disabled, I think I only saw my FIL twice last year because of it, which makes me very sad. I've seen him once since Christmas, for my granddaughter's 1st birthday, but he stayed overnight with us so we did share some time together. If he was closer it would be so different. I had to move with my husband's work 35 years ago and in doing so left my parents 500 miles away, at that time I could still travel easily so we'd see them a couple of times a year but as the years went by that changed too and it was at stage when I could only cope with visiting my mum once a year, I didn't get to see her in the 11 months before she died but it couldn't be helped, we spoke daily until she went into hospital for what was to be her final 6 weeks, that was a dreadful time but heavy, prolonged snow also played its part in not letting us travel to visit her, she passed away in early hours of the day we were going to travel to see her, life can be very cruel at times but it couldn't be helped. At least we all got there for the funeral as the weather had then improved. At least my DH can go to see his Dad now and again but I don't think people appreciate how exhausting it is for him to be my carer, in addition to being my husband, and working, also being a very involved Granddad to 2 little children, one with health issues, and being a supportive son from 40 miles away; it's a case of so near and yet so far, these things vary according to our individual needs. The previous 30 mile journey didn't seem far when we were young and my health wasn't of so much concern, that different route and extra mileage, the change in our circumstances, now make it extremely difficult. It could've been so different but it isn't so we just have to work with how things are.

BoBo53 Mon 30-Mar-20 12:58:50

I can speak from the other perspective. I moved 70 miles from home to find a job specific to my training. I was an only child and 2 years later my retired and somewhat introverted parents moved to be nearer me. Thank God they did. They enjoyed a far greater social life with my soon to be husband's family and when my Dad died 12 years later I was on hand to support my Mum who at only 63 was suffering from dementia. By this stage I had three young children and could not have coped with caring from 70 miles away. Good luck in your decision and stay safe and well in our present troubles.