My husband won’t move near our son

I always get irritated by ACs who move, then expect their parents to move to where they are. If the AC wants to be near their parents they should move back to where they came from. And yes I personally know of a number of cases where the parents moved away from the friends and neighbors they'd built up over the years at the suggestion of the AC only to be left alone when the AC moves again.

40 miles would feel as far as the moon if limited health / mobility.

We have this from different angle. When my in-laws moved house 16 years ago they moved further away from us, not much further but a far more difficult drive. At the time I'd already had to retire due to ill health and disability and my husband was, and still is, my carer, in addition to working, but they wanted to live in a certain area so moved there, making visiting difficult. 40 miles can be a very long journey when one of you is ill and in pain, believe me. Anyway they got older, his mum had to go into care but visiting was difficult, then she died and we're now left with an 86yr old Dad we can't visit easily, at moment it's not even possible to drive there to stand outside and wave. Had they chosen to move closer to us all those years ago how much easier our lives would be and my FIL would be visited far more regularly by his family. We and our adult children and their families all live within a 5 mile radius, it's so much easier to visit each other and even at the moment if someone is in difficulty re shopping we can help each other out occasionally. If my FIL was nearby it would really be to his benefit, I think they forgot they'd get old and possibly disabled and would need their son's help more over the years, sadly it was their choice and my DH has to put restrictions on visiting etc as we aren't getting younger. I'm now only 5 years younger than MIL was when they moved there plus I have lot of problems that mean I rarely go out, my husband wants to spend time with me, not travelling on motorways and being away from home for 3hrs minimum, usually more like 6 hrs, every time he goes to see his Dad, if only they'd moved closer to us how different it could be.

If your son is unlikely to move from that area I'd suggest trying to discuss the benefits of the move you so desire in hopes that your husband will gradually come round to the idea. He might do, if he doesn't then there's not really much you can do about it. Good luck.

You say you are good Friends with your ds in-laws perhaps he (the in-laws) could have a chat to your husband about moving nearer, saying how good the area is, perhaps your husband could for instance play golf/bowls etc with him? Good luck.

Sorry but l agree with your hubby its only 40 miles. What if your son moved again or emigrated.

There is no guarantee that your son won't move. I had a friend who'd moved to be near her son in Suffolk. 2 years later, the son moved to Cornwall and then a few years later, to Australia. She always said what a bad idea it had been for her, to move near her son. You and your husband should have a conversation about how you both feel about living where you currently live and what your expectations of retirement are.

Well, all thoughts of moving anywhere at the moment can be shelved. Perhaps when all this Covid-19 is all put to rest we will all feel a lot different and your husband may decide that it would then be a good time to move. Who knows what the future will bring.

Go on your own to have a look at the area and look at the housing options. Maybe you could find a few very nice houses and perhaps amenities and interests/clubs etc. that your DH would enjoy. You would then have more to offer him.
Alternatively could you move alone. You may find lots of new friends, hobbies and interests if you were on your own.

This is one of those conversations that will continually go around in circles with no way out of it. At the moment with Covid19 you cannot move as you can't view houses or have anyone look at yours. I suggest that for the time being do not mention the subject at all. Just slowly get rid of things...major spring clean will explain this to him. Get your house ready for viewing when things are back to normal. He might come around...then you will be ready. He is scared of moving...simple. When you can go visiting son again each time point out one lovely thing...just one in passing. The process will be gradual but eventually he might see the positives. The suggestion to move has to come from him. Wishing you luck.

Why should he? I'm with him. I've lived in the same area all my life, apart from a 3 years working holiday in Australia. This is where I BELONG. It's really difficult to put into words, but I've worked here, had my kids here, I know everything about the town. You would both have to learn everything about the new town. Why not go and stay for weekends near your son, so you could enjoy his family and then come home again?

As Alexa has said it’s all a bit academic at the moment , but when this is all over why not spend a long weekend where your DS lives, stay in a hotel or B and B and have a drive around the area, who knows your DH might find it a good place to live or maybe just want to visit and stay more often.
When our DD lived 50 miles away we visited a couple of times a month, they also came to see us quite often, we thought about moving closer ( briefly) but then they moved 230 miles away, so we were relieved that we hadn’t moved, then they moved again and now they are divorced.
My Mum once said to me “ don’t hitch your wagon to somebody else’s train” but then, my Mum often spoke in riddles rather than just saying what she meant !

We are about the same from our son perhaps a little less. Son would love us to move closer.
However where we live we have our gp, the pharmacist knows us , the hairdresser (I feel I need to say the butcher the Baker etc )
My husband's specialists are over this side of the harbour as well
We know here and though we don't have much support or contact from neighbours we really are comfortable here and if worse comes to it eg covid we could probable ask our neighbours for assistance .

Ruthiek, I feel for you. If you did move near your son, and then your son moved away, you could follow him to his new place. You are very fortunate in having a son who wants you near him he sounds an absolute gem.

Based on you original post, Ruthiek, you have more reasons for moving than your husband has for staying.

I guess you resent your husband's fear, or lack of imagination, whatever it is. However what others have said applies. It's only forty miles. And the raging infection all around puts house- moving plans on hold for months, so you don't need to decide and your husband can continue in comfort where he is happiest.

Why do you need to move, its only a 40 mile trip for your Son. Crikey, i have a 10 mile journey to get to the shop !

I agree NotSpaghetti I think the issue is with the bullying and not so much about being close to her son.
Your advice is spot on I think.
Good luck ruthiek

I think ruthiek that the really big issue is the bullying. You say:
I am desperate to move as I was bullied quite badly in my previous workplace and have become afraid to go out

Surely you have talked to Mr Ruthiek about this? I think it needs addressing if you are to be happy. Would you consider councelling if you haven't had this type of help already?

The 40 miles (as others have said) is really not far at all - and in my opinion, not worth moving for - but the bullying issue could easily affect you for years to come.

Did Mr R support you through it? If so he must have seen the effect on you. I think you need a heart-to heart about that issue first, and then later a good long conversation about how you each envisage retirement.

Try to put the moving idea to one side for now, at least until you have discussed a retirement plan. You may then find he would move out of the area for you. If he doesn't understand fully about the bullying he may perceive it as an "excuse" to move to be near your son. Maybe you could discuss moving anywhere for a new start? That would help him realise the impact on your daily life this bullying has made.

If you’re both still working you are still quite young Do you really want to be on your sons doorstep so he has to ‘look after’ you as you get older I can’t bear the thought of my children having to ‘look after me’ so 40 miles would seem perfect Not too far in an emergency but far enough so that you’re not impinging on his life
As parents I think we need to stay as independent as possible and 40 miles is an excellent space The thought of being a burden would make me want to jump in the river
I agree with Monica and your husband to stay where you are You say you no longer work with the bullies so think deeply as to whether you are using that as a reason to persuade your husband that you need to be nearer your son and family I think you need to stay independent 40 miles is an hour away ....perfect

have you shared with your husband how much the bullying at work affected you, to the extent that you now fear to go out.
does he really understand this.
is moving away the only solution to you being able to go out again. eventually, of course, when we are all allowed to do so.

Monica's information would have been so helpful to me when we moved to be near DS and the GC. They live very busy lives and we fit in when possible. We left friends and the familiar. Almost on arrival, I developed a neurologic disease so getting out is very difficult, driving is impossible. Had we not moved I truly believe we would have been far less isolated with lifelong friends around. Visits from Mr DS would have been far better. Good wishes in coming to the decision that is right for you.

@ruthiek It sounds to me like the move could be beneficial all round except from the current perspective of your DH. How kind of your son and his wife to think about how they can look after you both as you get older.

It gets harder and harder to up sticks and start all over again as time goes by so I can imagine that there's a bit of a time crunch here.

I don't know what to suggest that might be helpful, but I know I wouldn't give up!

@M0nica
Thank you for making the points about what often(?) happens when older parents move near to their adult children.

I could have this quandary as both my sons, wives and children live across the country. It's been mentioned.

For several years I've had quite immobilising health problems, so moving was not an option.

But this horrid Covid business has really shown me something wonderful: although I've been a physical wreck and mostly housebound since I moved to this large village 5yrs ago, I've somehow made a great bunch of really kind friends, good neighbours and helpful contacts.

Without them, right now I wouldn't be eating nor tending my nether regions in a civilised way! Or having a laugh, listening to their problems and vice versa, keeping up with our little world here. I can call any one of them at any time (not that I make a habit of that) and know I'll be given a warm welcome and, if needed, a helping hand.

I have a dear DIL with whom I get on well and, similarly I'm close to my other son in a different way. And of course, my much adored GC.

It would be a big wrench to move and leave my friends and cut the roots that I've put down here. I could easily make new, good friends in a new community and new roots. But, you're right, @M0nica, I doubt I'd see much of my sons.

And that's their loss. In many ways the loss would be mine if I moved near to them - even though I love them dearly.

If you’re still working and your DH feels that 40 miles away is too far then that’s one heck of a commute for him. Would he be prepared to at least discuss it once you’ve both retired, do you think?

Sirchenjin yes we both still work but we are looking at retiring as we are well over age !

Perhaps you could also suggest revisiting the idea in 6 months to a year? Do you both still work?

ruthiek you have my sympathy. Living in a place where you have experienced bullying is horrendous. I know because it happened to my daughter when she was a teenager and we did actually move. Even now, twenty years after the events, she still doesn’t feel comfortable visiting that town.

Instead of approaching your husband about the move, are you able to talk to him instead about your feelings and ask him for constructive advice that offers an alternative to moving? Maybe explain that, in addition to being nearer your son, moving is an important option to consider for you because of the effects of the past bullying on your well being.