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Partner not doing anything

(105 Posts)
SalsaQueen Wed 01-Apr-20 16:50:30

My husband has been at home for 2 weeks, with a sore throat, NO other symptoms. Now he's furloughed (Who knows how long?!) but he doesn't want to do anything at all.

I work in the mornings, and usually lunchtime too (the lunchtime one has finished whilst all this Covid-19 is on), and I do everything at home. I don't mind that, when he's at work all day....BUT he's 61, fit and healthy, and is currently asleep on the settee, having done absolutely nothing today. AIBU to feel angry?

Roses Sat 02-May-20 14:46:14

Sorry wrong place!

Roses Sat 02-May-20 14:45:26

Boris calls his baby Wilfred . It must be a family name but I wonder how pleased Wilfred will be with his name when he is older

SalsaQueen Sun 05-Apr-20 11:32:52

grandtanteJE65 You haven't understood me entirely, but never mind. My husband HASN'T been ill, that's what I'm complaining about.

I always do all the housework - he is usually at work all day. HE usually does everything outside, so gardening, maintaining the cars (one each) and any DIY jobs.

grandtanteJE65 Sun 05-Apr-20 10:39:41

I'm not sure whether I have understood you correctly. You say your'e doing everything at home and that you don't mind doing so when he is at work.

Does this mean that you always do all the housework?

If it does, you can't really expect your husband to help now. For one thing he doesn't know that houses don't run themselves, as neither you nor his mother ever taught him to do housework.

Most men, when they are ill, revert to being little boys who expect mummy to do everything, and wives quickly become mummy in this context.

You cannot reasonably expect a man who has never done any housework to begin when he is feeling ill.

When he is well again you will need to discuss this issue with him, otherwise you will be facing a retirement where he does nowt all day, and you are left doing all the housekeeping.

SalsaQueen Sun 05-Apr-20 09:55:40

GabriellaG54 Make his breakfast? I'm not insane grin. I've never made his breakfast. He likes to eat the minute he gets up, but I eat at about 10.30. He's usually in the spare room (the GC room for when they stay) so I don't make the bed.

Retirement is 5 years away, but I hope I'll still be able to work part-time, and I'll be keeping up my social life with friends.

GabriellaG54 Sun 05-Apr-20 01:58:32

Let's not pussyfoot around men. They are just as capable now of learning household chores, as we were years ago.
I sent my sons out into the world well able to match and even exceed my housekeeping capabilities, likewise my SsiL are as capable as my daughters.
We realise that some men believe it's 'women's work' however, they should be brought up to date regarding shared chores.
I hope the OP's DH changes his tune...soon.

GabriellaG54 Sun 05-Apr-20 01:49:03

Well, I for one would certainly expect things to be done by the time I got home from work.
If not, then I'd make my own meals, clear away my own dishes and do only my own laundry.
Do you make the bed and cook/provide his breakfast before going to work?
Oh dear! Not my kinda guy.
Either he helps out or gets out.
You're not his servant.

Bluegrass Sat 04-Apr-20 22:38:32

Maybe he needed a break or got a bit rundown. As the lockdown situation continues I'd sit down with him and suggest that now he's feeling a lot better you both could come up with ideas how you both could spend your time to benefit you both. It could be like a gentle 'wake up' call to how you are feeling. I think this is better than a confrontation - though you may feel like a confrontation, it may be more detrimental than helpful. Good luck.

JulesR Sat 04-Apr-20 22:23:10

SalsaQueen think about what retirement would be like. Can be a hard time. You need to sort it now

GardenofEngland Sat 04-Apr-20 21:41:48

Everybody copes in different ways. It's hard times and relationships are tested but now is not the time to try to change people.

SalsaQueen Sat 04-Apr-20 20:43:02

Alittlemadam and anyone else who thinks perhaps I'm being harsh, perhaps he HAS been unwell - I've been married for almost 40 years, and he's only got to sneeze twice and he'll be in bed!

Thank you for all your advice, sympathy, suggestions, etc. I am no longer angry, and he is pulling his weight a little bit more grin

SalsaQueen Sat 04-Apr-20 20:39:08

Hithere Sorry if you're offended. I call him worse things than Lazy Arse to his face grin. He certainly wouldn't be at all interested/upset about me calling him anything on here - he doesn't read it. There are no names to identify either him or me, so it doesn't really matter that it's a public forum. Lighten up a bit smile

V3ra Sat 04-Apr-20 19:44:40

grannybuy in our 20s I had a friend who always cooked the dinner, but then would say, "My husband washed up for me" like he'd done her a huge favour!!

grannybuy Sat 04-Apr-20 18:41:58

My DH always used ' your ' when he did jobs in the house.
' I hung out your washing ', ' I did your shopping ', '. I mopped your floor '. It took him a long time to graduate to using. ' the ' and ' our '.

Starblaze Sat 04-Apr-20 17:25:26

Opposed I mean. Arsepposed.

Starblaze Sat 04-Apr-20 17:23:53

I'm not apposed to calling my husband an arse anywhere but I do it to his face first.

Hithere Sat 04-Apr-20 17:12:07

My comments could be amusing but I do not badmouth (call my dh an arse) in a public forum

ExD Sat 04-Apr-20 17:08:20

I have a similar spouse, and I think those of you who are lucky enough to have one that's happy to do some chores shoul take care not to suggest stopping cooking or washing or cleaning etc because it'll only lead to rows and a really poisons atmosphere.
The only way is to "suggest" jobs, and not of the washing-up type, not yet anyway. Start with the more masculine things, like helping to turn the mattress or putting on the duvet cover.
These men truly feel emasculated if you 'nag'. My own father was like that, and I married one with a similar mindset. He won't change, but hopefully yours may improve.
Good luck.

Alittlemadam Sat 04-Apr-20 16:54:17

Could it he has had mild symptoms. Last weekend I slept the whole weekend with no symptoms at all, roll on to Monday I was still tired, today a week on I feel better than I did but just couldn't my finger on why I was so tired all week. Don't judge hidden symptoms are worse

SalsaQueen Sat 04-Apr-20 16:23:13

Well, interesting, insightful and sometimes amusing (*Hithere*) as this has been, I am not angry now. I am not down-trodden either. Lazy Arse has been doing a few little jobs this morning, and tomorrow is HIS day - he's doing the dinner (yes, he's a very good cook, although he's only done it twice since Christmas - he's ALWAYS cooked the Christmas dinner).

Roll on Monday, when I'll be at "work" (it's not work, it's a pleasure) and he'll be doing the chores on the list I'll have left him. grin

WHEN he goes back to work (I hope it's not too long), he'll be fully occupied.

LuckyFour Sat 04-Apr-20 16:07:51

No question he should definitely being doing jobs around the house. If he's like my DH you have to be very specific. If I said clean the house he would probably vacuum the lounge. If I said clean the bathroom, dust and tidy the lounge and bedroom and vacuum both rooms, clean the windows etc. I'd have more chance of getting some of them done.

Seefah Sat 04-Apr-20 15:50:04

Some people get this utter lethargy when they are processing feelings that are too much to cope with, losing work, fear of illness, watching things fall apart , so many people dying . I feel like your husband frankly. I am not one of those positive chirpy sorts when such horror is happening. I process my grief and fear , sleep a lot, do nothing , then one day just get going again. My hubby is taking extra naps waking up late but I know he’s just getting his head round our world having changed so dramatically.

Flakesdayout Sat 04-Apr-20 15:49:26

I dont think men think like women. My OH is furloughed. He has been busy .... gardening, sowing seeds (the little things that I can do) cutting up the wood pile, all the enjoyable things. I have cooked, cleaned, washed floors etc, hoovered and washed up. He hasnt. So..... I had a slight moan and said I had noticed he didnt like washing up any more. Yesterday he cooked dinner, did a little washing up, so that's a start :-)

Susieq62 Sat 04-Apr-20 15:35:26

Go on strike!

Caro57 Sat 04-Apr-20 15:04:40

What about the ‘as you’re home will you fix the supper this evening.......’ tack?