Partner buying joint presents with wife

My dad who is now elderly has been giving me £20 for my birthday for 40 years! I just find it amusing.

I am sorry but i could nevercbe married to anyone mean with their money.As farcas i am concern if you are meancwith your money you are meanxwith your emotions

You have listed other areas where he is a skinflint, coffees out, meals out that has an impact on you, how dull he makes your lives. Money halves every decade so the current amount would be around 500 pounds, that seems a mite extravagant.
He seems uxorious but to his first wife, that is what would hurt me.

I can see why you are upset.
My former husband asks me to put both our names on Christmas and birthday presents and pays for half. It’s because he has no idea what to get them as he doesn’t see them as often as I do. It rankles a bit, but I do it. I can assure you that, other than a calm relationship for the sake of family, it means nothing.

Seems odd - I wouldn't dream of doing joint presents with my ex - neither would he. Also when DD was in Aus ex did send her some money (probably a similar amount) and by the time she had exchanged £ to AUD$ there was pretty much nothing left! Current DH and I now order online in Aus to get gifts sent direct to my stepson....

Hi Jillybird
Are you able to talk to your partner about how you feel, what you need or want in your relationship?
Maybe the money & the shared gifting isn’t the issue that is really making you uncomfortable because you have written about so much more.

What on earth are you so bothered about? It's not your son and you're not his wife. Butt out!

I don't think that sending a joint present with his ex wife to THEIR son is odd at all but only sending an amount that, after exchange rate, bank charges etc will probably only be about $40, if that, for a landmark birthday is a bit mean! Mind you, that might just about buy a slab of beer , so he might be quite happy with that!
I know it's hard, but when you are with someone that has a past, that past is not just going to disappear and when there are joint family involved, I would certainly be happier that the two parents were still on good terms that the vitriol between two people that is more often described on here!

Did you not have any inkling before you moved in together of this man's attitude to money and if so did it not worry you? Frankly, if he was as mean as you say I would have run a mile What a skinflint!.

I tend to be a bit emotional about things like that, so I sort of get where you're coming from. It would make me feel a bit weird too, if he was arranging stuff like that with his ex wife. I would certainly rather his ex wife bought their son her own separate present. But on an objective level, it's probably nothing to really worry about. The amount is a bit stingy, yes. Have they always just bought each other "token" small presents? Some families agree to do that rather than spend a lot. Really though, I'd just let him get on with it and try to forget about it. No real need to make a big thing out of it that could get all out of proportion.

Have you ever pointed out that he “can’t take it with him”. If he is building up his money then a) presumably son is in for some sizeable inheritance b) HMRC will benefit from his miserliness. Better to make sizeable gifts surely now if he can ? Also on that issue, is his (ex) wife entitled too ?

Just don't let him influence what you spend on your kids. If his kids ever comment about the difference just say I tried.

I think the amount is stingy. I give my boys NZ $200. You've told him how you feel just ignore it and let it go. My Husband was so tight in the early days too but now I have to rein him in.

Previous family dynamics - I’d leave alone and let them get on with it. Making sure you treat your nearest and dearest they way you want to. Don’t think it’s worth the upset.

I think £30 is fine for an ordinary birthday for an adult who is presumably working.

Let it go. His Son, his money, his decision. The only person that it's bothering is you and is it worth it, really?
To be honest, if he's that mean, I'd let him go too. Money's for spending, not saving. Life's too short, and way too short to fret about things like this. Let it go.

Wife??!! Not ex wife? ?

Realising that there are three in a relationship is the problem! Having ‘discovered’ (although possibly never hidden?) their arrangement regarding the birthday present I’m sure ‘Jillybird’ your wondering what other matters are ‘shared’ or ‘discussed’ without your knowledge? I’m divorced now but was married to a man who had been married before, when visiting to see his daughter he wasn’t allowed to park the car (with me in it) in front of the house, he would visit with my son but not with me! (What can I say, I was so young and he was 16 years older) but when we moved to our new house (many years later as financially it was tough) I was presented with a visit from his ex-wife, daughter (I was a second mom to his daughter for 12 years or so by then as she stayed every second weekend) and boyfriend for a weekend stay, this was not discussed with me! That’s when I realised there was a third person influencing my relationship and although he promised never to do that again he did and the subsequent fallout of those actions was divorce! I too couldn’t initially couldn’t get to grips with it? Ultimately it was ok to upset me but not his ex-wife! I or our son were not his priority, only second best! When I divorced him after a couple of years he was back with wife No 1. One day I’ll write the book!!!!!!

If i was his son i would send it back with a note telling them they must need the money more than he does.
Cheap pair of people.
I do think it`s rather strange they do a joint gift as they are divorced.
Each to their own i suppose.
I give that amount to my G/children.

I wonder if this is a kind of last straw... You would probably be banging your head against a brick wall to try to get him to change his beliefs about presents. Maybe he thinks love is shown in other ways. There is a book called "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman that is really interesting about this. Good luck.

I think it's up to them how much they send. If he concealed the message from you then it would be an issue. Also if they send an amount jointly there would only be one transfer fee. I don't think you should interfere with parents and son by sending money yourself. And, as someone has already remarked, it is not a landmark birthday.

I think you def need to chat to clear the air. I think you need to tell him that altho it’s his business what he sends his son, you think it’s very mean as he is far from skint. It is an unusual thing to send cash with his ex, however, if they’ve stayed good friends that’s not a bad thing. If does make things hard at times living with a mean person, my 1st husband was terribly mean, even his mum called him Shylock or Scrooge. He is extremely wealthy as he married into money 2nd time around but still won’t spend a penny if he can get away with it, never treats our grandchildren etc they never change.

His ex must also be on the mean side if she too thinks £30 is adequate. As you say it is DP view about Mobley but he is obviously not alone. Perhaps the son is the same! Let them get on with it. The constant referencing to costs in 1969 would drive me mad afraid, in less of course there are implications of dementia.

I am going against the trend here. The son is 42, not 12. Why are his parents still sending him money? I think they should only send a card these days, to show they are thinking about him. If they want to send a gift. then perhaps a voucher from an online shopping company. He is probably working and the money will mean nothing to him. If he is unemployed then its a different matter.

Here not her but maybe that too.