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Partner buying joint presents with wife

(149 Posts)
Jillybird Fri 01-May-20 11:56:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lesley60 Sat 02-May-20 12:31:44

I always give all seven of my grandkids £50 for their birthdays even those in their 20s, and my ex gives the same if it’s a special birthday they get more it’s always off me and my present husband.
I wouldn’t dream of sharing a present off my ex even though we are amicable.

sarahellenwhitney Sat 02-May-20 12:34:07

His son not yours.What your partner does providing it is not coming out of your pocket or causing you personal hardship then leave well alone.
Would you expect your partner to interfere were the shoe on the other foot and it was your sons birthday.?

Apricity Sat 02-May-20 12:34:20

Speaking from experience, my own view is that in later life relationships where the parties have children from prior relationships it is better to just stay out of issues such as presents etc. unless the financial handouts are actually impacting on you personally.

All of the people involved, the parents and the children have histories prior to the new relationship and it is up to them to sort out these issues in ways that work for them. Just step out and leave it up to them to discuss and work out the appropriate sums/gifts/cards or whatever.

It actually isn't about you or what anyone else thinks is or is not appropriate for offspring of any age. It's about what the parents of the child think is right for their child. You can't stop people talking to the other parent of the child to work it out. Surely it is better that are discussing issues about their shared child rather than never speaking to each other?

Sometimes it is better to just zip it and, if you need to, vent your frustrations with trusted friends. Not always easy but depends on how much you value the relationship. Good luck.

Patsy222 Sat 02-May-20 12:38:10

Lots of wealthy people on the web today.

ReadyMeals Sat 02-May-20 12:42:27

Jillybird, it's up to him if he wants his son to despise him. Why don't you show him up by sending his son a really nice gift from you personally?

Lancslass1 Sat 02-May-20 12:44:25

I don’t think £30 is mean.
Does his son send him anything on his birthday?
Surely remembering the date is the important thing.
My sister and I each buy ourselves a present from the other one.
We live a long way from each other.
We can spend what we like on it then.
No postage costs .
We get what we like.
The only proviso is that it must be something we want but don’t actually need.

Newatthis Sat 02-May-20 12:58:47

He does sound a little on the eman side £30 does not seem that much nowadays as sadly it doesn't buy much although some might not agree with me. As for going half with his ex, this to me seems reasonable but I think the amount could have been more. However, it's up to him. p.s. we'd all like 1969 prices again but those days are long gone.

Lancslass1 Sat 02-May-20 12:59:53

Why should his son despise him,Ready Meals?
I do not think it would be a very nice thing to do to try to “slow him up’” by sending a nice gift.
I think Jilly Bird should just keep out of it.
After all it happens only on one day a year.
Is it really worth worrying about?
I think not.

GabriellaG54 Sat 02-May-20 13:10:58

I hope the OP is doing the right thing and declaring his rent as unearned income to HMRC.

GabriellaG54 Sat 02-May-20 13:19:24

Why we would the OP want to 'show him (her OH) up' by sending a more expensive gift? It's nothing to do with her if he spends 1p or £1m. It's between him and his wife, the parents of the now middle-aged child. Inciting that sort of behaviour would only cause rows.
She's lived with him for nigh on 18 years so no stranger to his quirks regarding money.

GabriellaG54 Sat 02-May-20 13:19:55


bongobil Sat 02-May-20 13:33:35

Blime I couldnt be with him, my ex husband was mean I divorced him

Saggi Sat 02-May-20 13:42:26

Mean.....really mean. My grandson has just had his 13 th birthday in lockdown .... without his mum. I was gonna send him £50, and my husband said no, send him £70. We are both pensioners, but not well off although hubby does have two pensions to my one. This when I told him how much our threepenny Beano co it now costs!!!

newnanny Sat 02-May-20 13:42:39

I put money into DC and dgc's account from me and my dh. My ex h and father of my children gives gifts to his dgc and puts money into dc bank account. We do not confer over how much to give. What he gives is his business. Occasionally one of my DC will mention they bought X with money from their Dad, so I know he does give them gifts. When our first DHS was born my ex h got in first and said he would buy pram system and I had wanted to buy that but instead I bought babies nursery furniture. I think it is very odd your DH still confers with his exw over gifts and I think it would make me feel uncomfortable. If it upsets you ask him not to do it in future. Offer to send joint gifts. It sounds from your post you keep income separate.

Doodledog Sat 02-May-20 13:52:52

Good grief!

The OP has already said that this is less about the money than the way in which her partner has treated her by referring to the ex in the way he did.

Nowhere has she said (or implied) that she is jealous of the ex herself, or that she wants to interfere in the present-giving setup.

I'm not sure how anyone on here can judge about meanness or otherwise, as these things are so subjective, and vary from family to family.

Without knowing more about the relationships it's impossible to know, but it could be that the ex is often used as triangulation - ie as a third party who is quoted and compared with the OP as a way of making her feel insecure or inadequate. That sort of thing can be subtle, and it can take a long time to realise that it's happening, as it's easy to think that you are being unreasonable, or over-reacting, particularly if it is part of a bigger picture.

If that is what's happening here, and the OP has just realised, she will be confused, and being told to keep out of it and all the other snide remarks will be the last thing she needs. And words fail me about the rent and tax comment!

Tiggersuki Sat 02-May-20 14:52:46

Feel for you. He sounds really mean. He should be very open about contact with ex-wife and what they still do together, and don't see the point of sending a paultry £15 each, it seems insulting.

Maggiemaybe Sat 02-May-20 15:13:42

Some of these posts! Advising the OP to send a better gift to “show him up”, saying that the son should send the money back with a sarcastic note, calling someone you’ve never met childish names, saying that it’s not worth going to the bank to cash a £20 cheque, etc, etc. I know we live in a materialistic world, but really?

oldmom Sat 02-May-20 15:16:43

TBH the only bit I find shocking is the fact that he is apparently still married to his wife, and you don't seem bothered by that part.

If she's still legally his wife, he can do whatever he thinks best with her, and it's none of your concern. Especially in regard to their children.

EthelJ Sat 02-May-20 16:05:59

I agree OP that it is very mean especially if he has a lot of money. But I suppose it is his business. I also think the joint present is a little odd but maybe they have always done it.
I think you should concentrate on your relationship with him. Is it generally good? If so I wouldn't dwell on it. If you have wider concerns you probably need to talk to him.

Daisymae Sat 02-May-20 16:10:13

The £30 is a joint gift, so 15 each. The Op has said that he is not hard up, so yes it's a bit tight.

GrauntyHelen Sat 02-May-20 17:42:00

my mother sends me £15 for birthday and christmas gifts and I do think it's a bit mean but know what to expect lol I would be very annoyed if DH was sending presents jointly with ex-wife whatever the sum

Urmstongran Sat 02-May-20 17:44:24

The relevance of 1969 is that he usually refers back to that date for all his "costings". I often get told what he spent on his bike, or the house he bought, or how much a pint of beer was that year. I think he's fixated on the past

Remind him jillybird that although things cost LESS in 1969, wages were LESS too! The year after I earned £14 a week full time as a medical secretary in my first job ‼️

To be honest he sounds a tight arse anyway. But hey. You love him.

lemsip Sat 02-May-20 17:50:22

have you told him that you've told us all about him

MissAdventure Sat 02-May-20 18:01:24

Good idea.
Let's all go and tell everyone we've ever referred to here, everything we said. smile

Pollyanna58 Sat 02-May-20 18:29:07

Gosh don’t you want to help your children a bit if you can afford it ? Mine are doing ok but still I wouldn’t send them less than £200
Now I’m trying to give them £2000 a year to stay within the tax free zone so they can get something that would make a difference
Maybe even with my daughter to buy more childcare so she can have a break or a better holiday
I don’t want my children to
Have it as hard as I did and I can afford it
You can’t take it with you