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Partner buying joint presents with wife

(149 Posts)
Jillybird Fri 01-May-20 11:56:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Doodledog Sat 02-May-20 18:29:43

have you told him that you've told us all about him

Are you feeling well? What a strange idea.

Quite, MissAdventure

MissAdventure Sat 02-May-20 18:35:41

What other people spend is neither here nor there, really, considering everyone's different circumstances.
I never spend much, because I am a tight arse, I'm poor, and I think we all have more than enough, as a rule, but that's me.

Callistemon Sat 02-May-20 19:02:46

Precisely, MissA

It's not the amount, as that is relative to someone's financial position and yes, he could probably afford more but that is not our business.

It's the fact that he thought it was ok to share this information about joint presents from him and his wife with Jillybird and, as she hadn't realised this in the eight years they have been together, it came as a shock.

We don't need to know how much other people give their children.

Callistemon Sat 02-May-20 19:06:44

I fling mine a fiver from time to time, Pollyanna, if I can afford it and I'm feeling generous.

Veejay61 Sat 02-May-20 19:19:15

I think that he should have moved on when he started his relationship with you and that's where his loyalties should lie. You are the couple now and his gift, regardless of how much, should come from the two of you and his ex wife should provide her own gift without consultation with him. They are no longer an item and their children have grown and flown. There is no need for him to even be in contact with her unless there is a set piece, like the wedding or graduation etc of one of their children. You should be his priority as you are the one sharing a life with him.

di1964 Sat 02-May-20 19:23:18

Yes I find it really odd, why would you want to split the cost of a measly present with your ex wife ... bizarre.
He sounds like a tight a453 xx

MissAdventure Sat 02-May-20 19:26:39

It probably started when they first split up, and it's just been left that way.

welbeck Sat 02-May-20 20:33:15

well if this was MN, there would be a chorus of, LTB ! by now.
=leave the beggar, or words to that effect.
it's become a bit of a joke, urged for the most minor annoyance.
but i think there is something here, that OP is concerned about.
it's not really the sums involved.
but maybe OP is feeling uncomfortable, and is wondering whether action needs to be taken.
she is uncomfortable with the whole situation.
often we cannot clearly identify what is bothering us when we are in the midst of it. but she is bothered.
good luck OP. honour your deepest feelings.

JanT8 Sat 02-May-20 21:39:49

I really think that at 42 years of age he’s a little too long in the tooth to need or expect that sort of cash gift for a birthday !
Our son is of a similar age and while we need to acknowledge his special day then a gift token is our usual gift, and that’s it, unless I happen to see something small and quirky that I think he’ll appreciate.
Grandchildren figure more highly in the gift department!

Callistemon Sat 02-May-20 22:40:34

It's not so easy when a DC lives in Australia, though, JanT8

You may not know which shops are local to them, which they like and Amazon has not taken off there.

How odd that people don't give anything to their DC.

GoldenAge Sun 03-May-20 00:00:34

Jillybird - I was surprised to hear you refer to your partner's 'wife' as his 'wife' and not ex-wife - so you moved in together even though he remained married to her? This is not a judgement, merely a comment on the fact that if he is still married to someone else he probably feels quite justified in maintaining those contacts and given your rebukes when he refers to you as his wife, he may think you're happy with the situation. Personally, I wouldn't want to be co-habiting with a man for any length of time who was married to someone else - it's a situation with potential difficulties further down the line. As for sending their son £15 each - well, words escape me, perhaps it's no wonder that the son is on the other side of the world.

Grandmafrench Sun 03-May-20 00:15:41

I second that, GoldenAge. These people are all locked in the past because, presumably, they have no incentive to sort out their lives properly, they've just slid sideways slightly and both parents have long since been co-habiting with other partners.

What is well, weird, is if the DS was maybe 10 and he normally received presents from Mummy and Daddy, there possibly wouldn't be any pressing reason to change that arrangement - for him. However, the birthday boy in question is middle-aged, has his own children (?) and is well aware that his parents live separate lives. Why on earth can't they send cards, presents or money separately? Who are they trying to fool? Does clinging to the remnants of being co-parents make them feel better? I feel it's a bit cringey, and if I were the OP I wouldn't want to have any part of this idiotic arrangement, I wouldn't want to hear about it either, since it didn't involve me, and I would have said so.

Eloethan Sun 03-May-20 00:38:38

I think £30 is fine if that is all a person can afford but you say he is well off and so I think it's extremely mean.

I suspect I might be a bit miffed about the sharing of the present too. However. trying to look at it dispassionately, I don't think you should be too concerned about it. The meanness would trouble me though.

pat9 Sun 03-May-20 09:18:30

I think it depends how well off the son is. If he has plenty of money then i think a token of £30 is not so bad, but if he is not well off, then he could do with a decent amount.
To effectively give £15 does sound a bit mean. If he and his wife (?ex-wife) have been sharing presents for years, they would expect it to be fine to continue

Muzzybear Sun 03-May-20 09:44:25

I am a bit confused. I have a 42 year old son who thanks to the education his dad and I gave him is able to financially look after himself and his family. I try to help with practical (and not so practical!) gifts to his children. I think my son would much prefer a card from his mum and dad telling him how proud we are of him and how well he is doing. Not judging! Its hard to know when to cut the umbilical cord especially if a child is struggling financially, But in the end all that matters is the son knows his parents still care enough to send a gift - jointly or otherwise. The amount doesn't matter.

MawB Sun 03-May-20 10:03:21

To me an amount like £30 is worse than nothing.
If they are hard up (and your DH is splitting cost with his ex) then surely £100 is a nicer round number?
Alternatively get your DIL on side and agree to send her money to take them both out for a meal.
Or look out for something unusual well in advance that you could send out - maybe jokey, maybe something easy to post like a print of a cartoon , or a vintage poster of a band he likes/liked.
There is something very “old man” about losing track of the value of money ,it’s like slipping him a 10/- note!!

MaggieMay69 Sun 03-May-20 11:32:45

You think thats mean, my ex son in law sent my grandaughter a Brexit 50p for her 40th.
A Brexit 50p.
It wasn't even brand new, from what my daughter found out by going onto the ebay account he got it from was that he had spent 99p plus 70p postage.
Horrible tightarse people do my nut in. Especially when his youngest daughter who he had with his second wife got a horse from him for her 30th.
Would love to take that Brexit rubbish and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

Nannan2 Sun 03-May-20 16:32:39

Sometimes my ex hubby& I pay halves on things for our son but he has only just turned 17 recently! So its if its something VERY expensive,like a video game console or something- ill get it& he puts half in bank- but i dont expect to be still doing that when he's 42!! And yes £15 each is very mean- i usually buy my AC something i know they will like- costing anything approx £25-£35 -but more if its a milestone birthday- but obviously theyre just putting money in bank as he is so far away- and its more difficult right now to send parcels- but still id have thought £50-£60 between them was better- or whats wrong with them doing it separately now??hmm

Nannan2 Sun 03-May-20 16:55:12

Pollyanna 58,thats just showing off and makes all of us who cant afford to do that feel bad! Im not mean,but im not rich either- but when we can actually send gifts in post or go to give the gift ourselves,id rather find something i know is wanted or needed,or 'collected' by them,its the whole thing of putting the thought into it.Not how much you're giving them. hmm

Callistemon Sun 03-May-20 16:58:20

I think 2s 6d is a nice sum.

Remember when half a crown felt like riches?

biddycatt Sun 03-May-20 22:30:51

the poster should stop worrying about the joint presents; its probably a habit they find hard to break, although l hope he is not trying to upset you and make you jealous, if so don't rise to the bait .

Bovary Mon 04-May-20 06:53:41

I'm with dil964.Think about the word 'ex' here tho.Shes prob ex because he is so tight! £15 each in2020,lets hope he does not want to treat himself to more then a burger wifh all the trimmings.And at 42 an item of clothing or gift card to a chain store seems more personal. And what the hell is doing arranging personal gifts with his ex.,thd clue is in the word again isnt it? You are his NOW. Why wouldnt he ask u for advice-i'd be upset too. So what if it signifys jealousy,how many ofher things does he consult her on?(Soz about the spelling,i got so mad i lost co-ordination!)

Naty Tue 12-May-20 21:21:49

That seems insane. He's stingy and you probably experience the effects of his cheapness too. Why on earth is he sending joint presents with wifey???