Cousins

They are children. You are definitely over thinking all this. They will change as they grow and their lives will develop in ways you might not understand. Do not worry about it. Some might become good friends and others might not like each other. You can't change this. Just go with the flow and enjoy them for what they are....your dear grandchildren

I had five cousins. Three of them ended up living on the other side of the world from a young age when their parents emigrated. Keeping in touch was difficult before the age of mobile phones, and when travelling abroad was too expensive for most ordinary people.

The other two were much younger and brought up very differently, so we had few common values and have had little contact since our parents died.

Some things we can't control.

What really matters is that we all have relationships we value in our lives; however these are forged, wherever they come from. And that we learn to nurture them and never take them for granted.... !

I didn’t know my cousins, my adult children don’t see their cousins and my 2 grandchildren don’t have cousins.
What is the relationship like between your daughter and daughter in law, do they get on? It’s often the women that take the lead in this sort of situation. Certainly my sister in law was the reason for our lack of family contact.
I understand your feelings because I think it must be lovely to have ones adult children's children all together, but life can be like that. All isn’t lost as has been said they grow up and these days it’s easy to get in contact. Or invite the children over to you as has been suggested.

My children very seldom see their cousins, have nothing in common with them and as we seldom get together as a family it hardly makes any difference. Families are very different but let them get on with it. I can see why it might bother you as we all want a perfectly 'close' family. these days, sadly, that doesn't happen and it's nobody's fault and if everyone is happy let them be, if not, let them sort it.

Another vote to overthinking it

Having a dna link doesn't mean you are meant to have an relationship and be best friends.

Personalities, ages, distance, hobbies, have a huge impact on who your friends are.
Same with family.
You could be incompatible with your own sibling/cousin/etc personality wise.

In your case, the different upbringings, your daughter extending an invitations that were were not well received by your son's family- there is something else going on in the background.

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head silverlining my DD and My DDiL have absolutely nothing in common and would never have when friends . Infact I can’t remember the last time they even spoke to one another . My DS does keep in touch with his sister and has done a few odd jobs for her over the years but the 2 families rarely meet which is a Shane fir my DD being on her own . It is what it is .

Shame for my DD .

Thank you for your comments. I think I have come across as a bit batty especially mentioning ‘class’.
The grandchildren range between 11 and 19. Everyone gets on and are polite. There is no tension and I don’t even think about marrying up or down and I don’t think this is the case with my children.
I genuinely believe that my son’s children will have more opportunities than my daughter’s children and in my head I would never say this to anyone I would question whether I made the right decisions about things and inadvertently influenced my daughter.
E.g. I gave up work to raise my children and so did my daughter only returning part time years later. DiL went back to work... absolutely no judgment... she is a lovely person. Straight away son and DiL had a better house and more holidays giving the children more experiences so at a pub lunch years ago I realised the children had more to talk about than their cousins.
DiL didn’t allow computer games, again while my daughter and I always felt a bit sorry for the elder boy but he is now on way to Cambridge maybe the two aren’t related. Daughter and I both felt tutors and 11+ were awful (we never said anything) but the children have different accents and different experiences. Daughter’s children say please and thank you but at FiL’s funeral son’s children went round the room shaking hands at ease with everyone, standing up for women etc. Everyone was impressed and spoke about them after but no mention of daughter’s children. Granddaughter does a little Scout pantomime every year and the cousins will come but granddaughter who is same age can play two instruments and does actual exams in dance.
Someone asked about the relationship between Daughter and DiL. No issues whatsoever but they don’t really see each other. Son and daughter however do get on and laugh and tease each other. I often had grandchildren of same age together for weekends but this fizzled out.
Maybe I am narcissistic but now in middle sixties I am upset that my descendants are diverging and won’t really know one another. I am sure it won’t matter to them though. I will try and follow advice on here and just see the individuals. Thank you.

Could be nothing to do with class.

Maybe they just dont like each other especially.

Some cousins are best friends some are barely friends. Theyre just people. Some people you click with some you dont

The cousins Im closest to didnt necessarily have the most similar parenting to me

You must stop judging who has a better future and whose upbringing was more adequate according to your standards.

These cousins are not little kids. They can pick their own friends.

Your favouritism for your son's kids is clearly stated. It reeks in your posts, how you think a set of cousins is better than the other.
Your dd and son obviously know it too.
Honestly, stop comparing them. They are not clones, they are individuals.

My DSs and my sister's two DSs are very much of an age but lived many miles apart and rarely saw each other. However, when they did meet, as teenagers or later, they got on well together at weddings and funerals. Her two were, and are, musical and both have made music their careers; mine were more sporting - DS2 is still playing hockey at 47, older brother swims, has taken up cricket and does yoga. My sister's two both live in Glasgow and mine are in the south of England so aren't able to get together. A pity, because I feel that now they are middle aged, they would be happy to join up for a pint!

We have 2 daughters and a son with 5 children between them. Yes there are differences and I feel this is because of the people they have married. One daughter dresses her children immaculately and insists that all food is to be eaten at the table and toys are to be kept tidy. Our DIL is very relaxed and has no interest in appearances. Their children wear quite tatty and worn clothes which are never ironed. They eat on the sofa and the house is a mess. Our other daughter is married to a lovely man but he has no ambition in life and no interest in education. Their son is sweet and polite but his speech is poor as he copies his father. All these children are loving and polite. It remains to be seen how close they will be later on and whether they will remain close.

Try not to fret about what can’t be changed, I know my mum was very unhappy about her grandchildren not being close, and when they were older she tried to get them together but it didn’t work.
It’s good that when they do meet up, they are pleasant to each other and to you. You can’t fix this, and because of what appears to be differing life styles and experiences it may be how it stays, but you never know.
Cambridge, a ‘lesser’ university or none should not make any difference. It is up to them. Be glad both of your children remain close.

I understand your sadness, my grandchildren have the Atlantic Ocean separating them and also their parents. Like yours, they have experienced polarised upbringings , my daughter has tried hard to develop a closer relationship however, her and her brother are still rivals, particularly if I’m around and I have come to accept that they will do what they like despite my concerns. On the extremely rare occasions that the children have met, they get on brilliantly. The Americans trying to speak with English accents and vice versa!

Like Paddyanne - I only ever see my 2 first cousins at funerals - they live max 2 hours away. I feel closer to more distantly related cousins who live in Australia. I don’t feel as if I am missing out

Our 3 children had virtually no contact with their---slightly older---- 2 cousins for most of their childhood, and indeed into adulthood.
This was down to our SIL being very strange, and causing schisms within the family.
In contrast to this our grandchildren have a very healthy and loving relationship with each other, despite living 200 miles apart and being in two distinct age groups. 4 and 6 in one family and 10, 13 and 15 in the other. Their mothers don't always agree with each other , their parenting styles and husbands parenting styles are somewhat different but the children are oblivious to this and have a wonderful relationship.

Don’t worry about what you can’t control. I had four cousins. Two I
Never had any sort of relationship with, one I was close to but she died age 32 and the other moved away and we have no contact. My husband had so many cousins I don’t think he could name them all never mind have a relationship with them. Children grow up and make their own minds up about who they see and who they don’t. Is a different world today. Some
families are very close and others aren’t. My own daughter has two children and my stepdaughter has two of similar age - they get on quite well when they see each other but recently my husband has fallen out with his daughter so the kids no longer have the choice to seem each other!

Tbh
I get what you’re saying.
My children are state educated.
Their cousins went to boarding school.
I don’t think they’d seek each other out but they get on well!
I wouldn’t worry xx

You can't live your childrens' lives for them. You need something else to think about.

I have 3 sets of gcs and they have all had quite different upbringing. They meet only at family gatherings and the annual family holiday. Once we are gone I think it will be weddings and funerals. I think this is not at all unusual.

I grew up in a small NE town. We lived with my maternal GPs during the war and my paternal GPs lived in the next street.
Saturdays the whole paternal family met for 'tea' and Sundays same for maternal family.
Who can say that these days?
I had 12 cousins - 4 still alive plus me and my younger sister. We all keep in touch. All in UK.
But our own children are so spread apart, it's hard for them to even know who their cousins are.
Mum's oldest sister had 4 girls and I think they are more connected to their descendants. Though my oldest boy (man) has ried to build bridges with his brother and connect their children. Both live in Asian countries.
Family rels. have changed so much over the years, people don't stay in one place so much now.

ps mistake - one cousin is in Canada and in fact we're closer than the others in UK.

Ps they get on v well when together but no contact between times. They all have friends they are much closer to.

Hi Lorilightfoot. I think we all hope that our siblings and their children will support and encourage each other. I have a daughter who lives in the UK and a daughter who lives in Oz. Their children have yet to meet. So enjoy the time you spend as a family and don't worry about the future. Good luck!

I have twenty three cousins, my Gran had 23 grandchildren plus two from my paternal side. We mainly saw each other at my Gran's and once she died there was no central meeting point anymore and we only saw each other at various family funerals. I am in contact with one of my cousins now, she's in Australia. I have just managed to contact another one through Ancestry so hopefully we will keep in contact. Once Gran died we saw very little of our Aunts and Uncles either. My oldest three cousins have sadly all passed away some years ago - there was a big age range between us all, with the eldest being over 20 years older than me.
We have all moved away from our starting points, which doesn't help either. I do wonder sometimes what they are all doing but we saw so little of each other really that I don't 'miss' them, if that makes sense