Stepdaughters wedding

Agree with Tanith.

There is no way, if she’s a decent human being that she would come back and say her half siblings are not invited.

Not that it matters, but they are stepsiblings, not half siblings.

Out and out guilting her is an absolutely terrible way to Deal with any situation. It’s the fastest way to cause resentment, And will give her pause when she eventually has her own children on who she wants them to spend time with.

I think when it comes down to it you have to decide which is better/ worse. For her to hold a grudge against you or you against her? Which will soon fade.
You can force this into an awkward situation between her and her father ( your husband) not very kind. That is s power battle not fair on him and if you win you will not be forgiven. Or you can accept the irritating fact that you will have to sit alone at the wedding breakfast. It’s not a joy, I can assure you. But this won’t be top of her priorities, you would just be generous to accept it.
Take the moral high ground; don’t involve your husband, don’t take your children and smile. Loads to gain nothing to lose. You can own this.

When DD2 got married, her new OH has divorced parents with other partners. The only way to do the top table was to have 3 tables at the front with me in the middle splitting the 2 sets of parents. The top table contained the couple , best men- he had 2 and bridesmaids x

What amazes me is that second or any number of subsequent partners assume that the offspring of their new partner will have any feeelimgs for them other than acceptance that they now live with their parent. These second or third or fourth partners are always surprised and take offence when children from the original family show their true feelings. Please remember you are tolerated until their parent moves on or dies.

Kamj good luck and I hope you can find a happy resolution to this problem.

I can understand how you are feeling hurt by the situation.
I can’t help wondering if the bride just carelessly omitted to write your boys names on the invitation.
But of course you need to have this clarified.

You’ve received so many variations of opinions here I suspect you have even more of a headache today!

Try not to stress over it ?

There was another post with posters wondering why some people didn't want to get married and instead live together.

What counts is to enjoy lives together, not spending a ton of money in a wedding that may create this kind of unreasonable expectations and fights.

Why is she being mean? That’s absolutely ridiculous!
Where does that end? It’s ‘mean’ not to invite great Aunty Barbara’s 6 kids and 6 partners?

She may be perfectly lovely to them when she is with her fathers family. But if her father were to divorce or pass away the relationship with the OP and her children may end there.
The father is the one with the relationship to his child. The children he decided to bring into his home have no bond or love with the bride to be.

This is mismatched expectations. The father and OP thought that all the children considered each other family.
It’s a harsh reality that they probably don’t.

Good luck op. Hopefully you’ll come back whenever to say it’s sorted and you have a great day to look forward to!

If they are not invited, your step daughter is being mean. Is your DH paying for reception? If they are not invited I would be staying home to look after them.

Crikey what a lot of judgmental people there are on here. Kamj I thought your post was perfectly reasonable and amazingly I was able to understand it

If I were you I would ask your SD without making a big thing of it but as you say your DH is handling it that’s that I suppose.

But I bet you’re sorry you asked now

Well you feel hurt. Fair enough. That is the reality of how you feel. It is not wrong to feel this way. It is very natural and I sympathise with you. There are always going to be insecurities and resentments and fears when families break up and reform. How could there not be? And weddings bring these up. Who is invited. Who is not. Where people sit. It is overt and public. You will have to sit separately from your husband on the day. On your own. You are already feeling a bit nervous and sad about this, It is a recreating on this day of the family he was once in which you were not a part of then. Anyone would feel the same things that you are feeling. Let yourself feel this without self blame. Be kind to yourself. But then ask yourself if you could be reading messages into this that may not be there. You say you love the bride. That is such a good thing. Don’t assume this is a signal that she doesn’t love you or care about your children. This is a message that may not be there and that you cannot be sure is there. Love creates love in return. Keep loving her and it will go on growing between you as your lives go on. Express resentment now and that may grow instead. You sound like a good person who will do the right thing in the end. You do need not to act on your feelings. Don’t put pressure on your husband and make him have to divide his loyalties. because he will always have some resentment to you too if you make him do that. Don’t make your children feel they are being left out because that will make them feel insecure about their own worth. Check if they are invited tactfully without suggesting any blame. Go and be gracious on the day even if you feel a bit miserable. I think you can and will do this. It will be best for everybody including yourself. Good luck.

For goodness sake, just ask a perfectly reasonable question; ‘are Bill and Bob included in the invitation or shall I sort child care?’

They adore each other, very close imo, thats why its so hard to understand, thats why both hubby and i feel a little hurt by it,
Thank you all for the replies and advice etc, im still none the wiser to the right/wrong approach as all so different,
Thank you again,
I will try and reply as and when but probably wont be online as much now ive posted this and had numerous replies x

This thread is the perfect example of "we got along great till she decided to get married and now our relationship has changed"

A lot of people do not invite children to weddings these days- very sensible I think as it is very boring for them.

Sorry, posted before finishing the thought

A 20 year old is not going to form a family instant bond with kids that young just because his father got married to a lady with kids from a previous marriage.

A 20 year old is in a different stage of life.

Your dh just should clarify it without judgement and guilt and close the chapter

Your dh going all guns blazing with her SD is a recipe for disaster

This daughter was 20 when you married his father.
Your sons were 5 and 9.

Just a thought. Could your DH, or even you, ask who you will be sitting with? Say you just want to check if it is anyone you know or can get to know before the wedding. If your sons aren't part of the answer then you will know they are not invited. Going to a function like a wedding and sitting with a group of strangers can be a nightmare for anyone who is shy, especially if you are sitting with a group who all know each other.

Babyshark, thank you yes he probably is protecting my feelings as hes hurt by all this too, hes far from passive aggressive, think he's at a loss over it too

We contributed to it yes but left the planning to her as she seamed to know what she wanted etc, and didnt feel our place to say who she should invite, i just thought (rightly or wrongly) my younger 2 would be invited

You seem considerate op but i feel sorry for your step daughter. Her dads planned response is passive aggressive and if your sons aren’t invited then it will potentially cause her some angst. Seems like he is drawing a line and to her it could feel like his step sons come before her wishes.

Try to convince him to have a neutral conversation and to accept the outcome gracefully either way. Are you sure he isn’t trying to protect your feelings? When really it’s understandable that your step daughter hasn’t invited your sons. Though it will be nice for all of she has.

If you and your husband are contributing to the cost of the wedding then surely you should have at least had a discussion with the bride and groom as to who you would like to be invited.
Strikes me that her own mum has rather more influence on proceedings than is healthy.

Wedding invites are a nightmare, especially in this day and age when so many families are blended. At least your DH and his ex can share the day with their daughter. Not like some weddings you hear about. I heard of one where the relationships between all four parents was so bad the bride and groom didn't even have a top table. Two pieces of advice. Ask your DH to ask his daughter to clarify the situation asap. And most definitely do not presume your sons are invited. Just imagine how embarrassing it would be for all of you, especially your sons, to turn up and find out that they were not invited!

I sympathise with you and can understand how hurt you feel .
My granddaughter got married 2 years ago and it caused an enormous family split .
The background is her mum is my adopted daughter. She split from the father when the children were young , We set up access so that they did see their father but he grudges anytime and money he had to spend on them .
We helped financially , we took them on holiday , they spent every second weekend with us to give their mum a break as youngest had ADHD and his behaviour was challenging to mange .
Granddaughter suddenly decided when she left school to go and stay with father and stepmom .Suddenly he was Mr Wonderful .
When she got married at 21 they cut her mum and the rest of us out of all arrangements . Step mum wa at the top table and none of included in any off the photos .
We kept our mouths shut on the day but none of us , including her brothers who were fuming have had anything to do with her since .
She has tried to creep back in but can’t seem to see why any of us but especially her mum was also hurt .
So the moral of my tale is please have an open and frank discussion about the wedding arrangements now rather than it damaging your relationship beyond repairs afterwards .