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Stepdaughters wedding

(158 Posts)
Kamj Thu 14-May-20 11:38:14

My step daughter is getting married at christmas, quite a large affair in a country house, which i cant wait for, bit apprehensive as husband will be sat at top table with ex and as i thought my young sons would be attending i thought ok i can do this sitting at a table with them as such, though the invites have been sent and my sons have not been invited, my husband is shocked, im hurt, i havent mentioned to sons as i think they think theyre invited, we have a close family with meet ups with step/bio children alot for family events, i treat all the same at birthdays etc i treat as mine, i appreciate my adult children wouldnt have necessarily been invited(though thought again maybe they may have) but i did think my younger two would have as there are children going to the wedding etc so i thought it was just a given
Where as i know its her wedding her choice i feel hurt by it, i truely thought she would have invited, i dont know if to say anything, if hubby should, if i should decline invite or if i should just attend ceremony or evening, if i should rsvp with the cbildrens acceptance and make out i assumed they where invited? As they may well be but just not on invite as such,
Please help and offer advice in what to suggest /do x

tanith Thu 14-May-20 12:11:50

I think your husband should clarify with his daughter if her step brothers are invited or not. I think you should stay right out of it to save a rift developing. Let your husband deal with it.

sodapop Thu 14-May-20 12:23:59

Good advice from tanith

Kestrel Thu 14-May-20 12:26:37

yes I agree - good advice from Tanith

bongobil Thu 14-May-20 12:34:05

Yes I agree let her Dad deal with this. Very difficult situation to be in I dont envy you. Hope it gets sorted so your sons can attend with you.

Hithere Thu 14-May-20 12:42:22

Do your sons want to fo to this wedding?
How old are the sons?
How is the relationship between your stepdaughter and her (half) brothers?
How long have you and her dad being married?
How is your relationship with her?

felice Thu 14-May-20 12:56:00

We had a similar situation years ago when Sister-in-law married, DS1(mine) was away at college, when the invitations went out just DS2(mine) and DD were invited.
I was very hurt as we were paying for most of the wedding even her dress.
I said nothing as they are a very touchy family, but lo and behold, at the wedding I was constantly being asked where he was.
Said' you did not invite him' to be told sorry we must have forgotten to put his name on the invite.
Perhaps you could find a way to bring up the subject quietly ????

Kamj Thu 14-May-20 13:06:14

They are her step brothers, my sons from a previous marriage i have been married to my husband 5yrs they are 9 and 15, we get on well, very well, i think i contact her more than hrr dad does, its a female thing, i just wonder what will happen if husband does ask and they're not invited? I get its their choice who to invite and they got a buget and numbers to work with but i jist didnt think they wouldnt be invited, the wedding has been planning for 2 yrs, she has kept it very close to her chest, but i didnt mind i thought be a lovely surprise on day, i jist feel disheartened by it, either way i feel itll cause upset x

Kamj Thu 14-May-20 13:08:36

Just* jist?

Lucca Thu 14-May-20 13:10:59

I agree that your husband should just politely ask. Otherwise you are going to stress about this for months.

Floradora9 Thu 14-May-20 13:24:27

If more remote relations and friends are invited I was would be really hurt . I would probable refuse to go myself if that was the case. Perhaps not good advice but that is how I would feel.

Hithere Thu 14-May-20 13:26:11

Does she have a no kid wedding?
Is there a limited number of guests that can be invited due to capacity?

The way you phrased your original post, it sounds like you want your sons there to keep you company and ease your anxiety as your ex will be in a different table - where he belongs, with the mother of the bride

It sounds like you are making this wedding invite about yourself, not about your sons who may want to go to the wedding to see her step sister get married.

Do you even know if your adult sons are invited?

Grannynannywanny Thu 14-May-20 13:34:45

Perhaps if you feel you get on very well with her you might be able to chat to her about it and ask her if it was a family invitation. Hopefully if it wasn’t intended to be she would be too embarrassed to admit it!

Only you will know if that’s the best approach and if it would maybe avoid your husband venting his annoyance and causing a rift.

Considering the age of your boys I’d be inclined to think they are included and they’ve not actually written their names on invitation.

But you’re going to have to either bite the bullet and clarify it. Or you include their names on the acceptance card and hope for the best.

Either way you don’t want it hanging over you for months when I’m sure you’ve got enough going on already.

Good luck

notanan2 Thu 14-May-20 13:49:04

Youre a relatively new addition to the family

If these were step siblings who had grown up together and had a sibling relationship I would be upset but theyre not. Theyre relatively new additions to each others lifes so while they may be friendly theyre not exactly family yet

notanan2 Thu 14-May-20 13:53:34

Step siblings arent instant family. They become family over the years.

Step siblings who have always had each other in their lives will feel like siblings/family.

You dont instantly get that just by blending a family.

They might feel like family to each other in years to come but its ubderstandable if your StepD doesnt see your children as "brothers" yet. It doesnt mean she doesnt like them. Its just not a particular bond this early in

Kamj Thu 14-May-20 14:01:31

I appreciate all advice thank you, of course my husband will sit a top table and i just said i wpuld like my boys say with me but there was no rhyme or reason bebind it, i just honestly thought theyd be invited, i thought maybe the older ones would be too but i understand that maybe they couldnt accommodate all and thats fine, i feel of i ask and they're not we'll both feel bad, so im going to get hubby to reply with the assumption we are all invited and go from there x

TrendyNannie6 Thu 14-May-20 14:06:34

I would stay out of it and let your husband deal with it,

Hithere Thu 14-May-20 14:06:54

Even if your minor kids are not invited, you can still make a wonderful holiday out of this event.
Get a sitter for them if they are not invited - if needed for the youngest- and do fun things with them and your dh before and after wedding.

Kamj Thu 14-May-20 14:08:40

Sorry about all the mistakes i thought theyd correct self, im doing 101 things while replying ?
Forgot to add other children are invited x
Please dont be to brutal, first post on here ? am asking because i care and dont want to upset anyone in the family x

grandtanteJE65 Thu 14-May-20 14:08:57

If you don't go to the wedding because your sons are not invited then you are effectively telling your step-daughter that she is far less important than your sons are.

This may be the truth, but if it is, you would be well to keep the fact to yourself.

For your husband's sake put a good face on this, and don't just take your sons with you. Your husband will need to ask his daughter just how many of the family are invited if the invitation is not clear.

notanan2 Thu 14-May-20 14:13:01

so im going to get hubby to reply with the assumption we are all invited and go from there x

THAT is a recipe for a fall out.
Never add people to a RSVP if they werent on the invite

notanan2 Thu 14-May-20 14:14:57

The other children may well be "family" to her.

Friends children who I have seen grown from babies are more "family" to me than children connected by a recent marraige

its not children or no children.

And not being invited doesnt mean they arent liked. Just because youre not super close to someone doesnt mean you dislike them

Hithere Thu 14-May-20 14:19:36

You are making a mountain of a molehill

Your adult kids are invited, so why your dh not ask her dd if it is the same case for the your minor kids as you (dh, you and kids) are making arrangements to go to the wedding and you need to know to arrange childcare if needed.

This is a direct request, without putting guilt on the other party.

This is not about the wedding. It is about your expectations around this event.

Hithere Thu 14-May-20 14:39:58

Mountain out of a molehill

Kamj Thu 14-May-20 14:46:14

Once again thank you for all the replies, though quite honestly its just confused me more, things are said that i hadnt even thought about, so head just a mess now lol, my older children havent been invited, i meant other children have been, i didnt say i wasnt going i was saying should i not go etc,
It was a simple i thought they would be invited and so did my husband, i love my step daughter so i dont want to ask her to make it akward,
Tbh im more at a loss now, but I'll get hubby to ask and go from there x