Stepdaughters wedding

Given the virus situation the wedding might well not be happening this year anyway problem solved !!!!!

I agree the invites need clarifying - sooner rather than later. And best not to pussyfoot around - arrange time to speak and be clear and direct but not forceful. As you quite rightly said, it’s their choice after all. Step families are often tricky - at my wedding, I didn’t even have a top table as I didn’t feel I could deal with the confrontation but by the time we got to Christenings I was open and honest with everyone and family will always be family no matter what. Good luck.

Could it be a simple as the bride thinks its a given that your sons will attend. Maybe it was her mother who wrote the invitations and assumed you would bring the youngsters. When I got married 1st time the invitations came from my parents Mr & Mrs whatever invite you to the wedding of their daughter Maggie etc. I do understand how you feel having been in a similar situation.

Thank you all for the lovely replies,

Sorry Naty if my punctuation isnt up to scratch, my spelling isnt either as i seem to miss the S from your name ??sorry silly joke ...have apologised about my wrting on here throughout as im on small screen phone, hardly see it and always rushing as such,
I too have doubts large weddings will go ahead by then but its a waiting game,
I feel we have a good relationship and either way it'll get sorted, my husband will rsvp as if all invited, hes made his mind up, I'll just wait and see,
They are step not half brothers x

Floradora, I would refuse to go too, if her step brothers were not invited.

Bloody big weddings all this formality I would hate to be at one table and my husband at another (not that I ve got one, a husband I mean)I think your husband should just casually confirm whether they are or not invited it seems dead mean to me if they’re really not but then as I said I don’t like all this formal etiquette it’s all for show and a huge waste of money
Now I ll put my hard hat on if I was a young person I go away on holiday to get married and just invite my immediate family if they wanted to come

Talk to her - respectfully- let her father / your husband do this

This is your Step daughters wedding, and really I don’t think a 9 year old and 15 year old boy will care if they go or not, The reasons why people are close to one another or not is inexplicable.
I think it’s lucky that there isn’t more tension and you are invited as a step Mother. Her own Mother might be wrestling with that thought.
I think you should just accept who she has invited, or not invited to what is her wedding,,,and leave well alone. Even if your husband asks her ‘ why’ she will know you are behind it, and you would possibly lose something of your relationship with her.

And Hetty58.

Is there anyone else in the family you can ask who would know how the land lies? Perhaps she is only asking very young children and drawing the line at teens?
But the important thing is to make up your mind that both you and your husband will go and keep family unity.

Well remembered Esspee

Hi Kamj...I would go with what you have just said. Let your husband find out for you. Sooner than later so that you can get your head around it. xx

This is difficult and you have my sympathy. The cut has to come somewhere and I remember this when DS married 5 years ago. It was difficult because we are a big family hers is so small. I would assume it is only those named on the intvite, but get DH to clarify. Perhaps your sons can attend the ceremony and then get taken out by a friend or other?

If you speak to her normally anyway,id just ask her " are so&so included in the invite too" as it may be to her that thats a given,as the 9yr old is too young to be left alone,and the 15 yr old cant just be the only one left 'home alone' like a billy no-mates, surely? She might just not have wanted to add ALL their names on? This may all be to no point anyway- as shes been planning this 2yrs? The covid 19 situation has changed everything, hasnt it?? It may be theres STILL no big gatherings,or big weddings even by xmas, and we could even be back on lockdown by then, as i cant see this lessening of measures causing anything but a greater surge in more cases,and more deaths! So it could even be all off for weddings by then? And even if not- without a vaccine, I personally wouldnt want to take any risks,with myself or my children, even for a wedding.sorry to be a wet- blanket- but we all seem to be forgetting we are still in a pandemic situation, yet we talk of christmas,and weddings,as though we are back to a normal life?We're not.

I'm sorry but your husband is taking the coward's way out - by replying as though the invitation was for you all, and avoiding having to have The Conversation with his daughter. A lot of resentments can exist even under "happy family" veneers. A friend of mine, divorced, was quite shocked when her daughter said firmly that she didn't want her father's children from his second marriage at her wedding (she could barely tolerate his wife). She said that she had been civil to them all as much as she was able but they were a constant reminder to her that her parents were no longer together, and she didn't want that reminder at her wedding. Unfortunately, her father and his second wife took umbrage with that, there was a big fallout and none of them came to the wedding, in the end. Her uncle gave her away. The fallout has never been healed. Be VERY careful. In your position I would consider letting your husband go on his own, using the excuse that you have to stay home and look after the children. It's the Bride's day - please respect her feelings (which may have, inadvetently, been trampled all over in the past).

I wish people would just 'elope ' to get married; think of all the problems this would avoid!
Many years ago I knew a young couple who got a special licence to marry the next day in the register office. They went out 'horse riding' grabbed 2 witnesses from the street and did the deed. They were fed up with arguments with parents about who was going etc and decided to stop all disputes , the parents were told after the young couple got home. I wish we had done the same!

I’d take the bull by the horns and reply that all four of you are really excited and looking forward to coming.
There is no way, if she’s a decent human being that she would come back and say her half siblings are not invited. There will be lots of people that decline and I’m sure she would rather have people that want to attend than having lots of empty seats. My daughter got married last year and many people accepted including a bridesmaid. Six never turned up, plus one bridesmaid. Everything was paid for. So we were nearly £2000 out of pocket. Furious that a local person didn’t show up with no excuse. Yet a friends flew in from Australia and Israel.

Are they her half brothers or step brothers? I think your husband should take this up not you as it is his daughter. Difficult - could be just an oversight on her part or assumption by her that they will come - tread tentatively!

Under no circumstances should your husband reply in an ambiguous manner. Imagine if the hint wasn't picked up on, you all arrived and there were no places for your children.
He needs to speak to his daughter and get things clarified.
I thought there was a high chance of us being back in lockdown this coming winter so perhaps you are worrying about nothing.

I'd certainly leave it to your husband to query.
The only thing that I wonder about is - does she have a role for your sons to play in the wedding that she thinks means that they will not need an official invitation for ?
I mean. could she have a position as ring bearer or usher or something in mind for them ? Don't want to raise your hopes, but it is a possibility or maybe she just assumed you would know that your sons are invited? Hope you get it sorted out either way.

When my sister got married I took my son who was 14 with me as OH was working abroad. She was happy about this. Then she told me no children on the evening and as I had a 9yr old I didn't go.
The next week BIL asked why I hadn't come and I told him what she'd said. He was shocked as lots of kids were there. Weddings bring out the worse in some brides.

I absolutely think that your children should be invited, after all they are her fathers step children. They are family, I hope it’s a mistake and she intended to invite them all, ask your husband to bring it up with her. I too would feel bothered by this, especially as family comes before friends and distant relatives, I hope you sort it and hope you have a wonderful day x

Tanith put it perfectly. I would do as she suggests.

I'd be more worried about whether large gatherings will be possible, sensible (or well attended) by Christmas - as Coronavirus will still be with us.

Do you think gatherings of this size will be allowed by the end of the year? I know this is another issue. I agree to get your OH to clarify the situation with his DD in a matter of fact way.