Gransnet forums

AIBU

Fil doing his own thing

(50 Posts)
husseysarah Sun 21-Jun-20 22:48:53

First message, please be kind!
FIL lives alone and is 76, healthy and fit. We live very close and said we could be his bubble and he agreed as we can cook for him etc found out today he has arranged to meet friends of a similar age and travel in the same car etc and he can't see the problem with thus. Myself husband, son and daughter all not going any where apart from supermarket. Are we wrong to be upset?

DillytheGardener Sun 21-Jun-20 22:54:26

If you are following the guidelines to my understanding you shouldn’t be mixing with friends, you just stay with your own bubble and only meet with others outside with a 2 metre distance between you. This is why this virus is dragging on because everyone is bending and breaking the rules. I would say we either are in your bubble or not, if you see other people in close proximity we can’t be in your bubble. Simples. His choice.

rosenoir Sun 21-Jun-20 23:05:05

Did he understand that you could only have one bubble?or maybe he would just rather be with his mates.

Of course you have a right to be upset but as long as he is happy and safe that is more important.

MawB Sun 21-Jun-20 23:10:07

I absolutely agree with Dilly - as long as people bend, stretch and break the rules of lockdown, this virus will continue to circulate. Some will “get away” with it, but in general, we all continue to be at risk. There are a few “questions” on other threads as to whether what some members want to do is acceptable. My gut reaction is that usually, it is not. But that is their business.
Your FIL may feel he is prepared to take these risks but he does not have the right to expose the others in his family to danger. I think you should tell him, kindly, but firmly that you will be social distancing from him if this is what he wants to do. Cooking and shopping can be left on his doorstep.
I hope he takes the hint.

ginny Sun 21-Jun-20 23:17:29

I agree with Maw.

We found out last week that MIL had had 2 of her WI friends in her house for coffee. I was not amused, considering what we and the family have been doing to keep her safe.

justwokeup Sun 21-Jun-20 23:19:22

Maybe he thought he could have more than one 'bubble'. However he's able to make his own decisions and it sounds as if he has at least kept up his connections with friends, which is better than being lonely and isolated. If he's decided he now wants to meet up with them, that's his decision, but it's yours to decide what you want to do about it.

V3ra Sun 21-Jun-20 23:57:49

A few weeks ago before meeting up was allowed, my sister-in-law rang my husband to ask him to have a word with their 92 year old mother, who's been staying with my sister-in-law throughout.
Mother-in-law wanted to get together with several of her friends in one of the gardens for a chair exercise session and then have a pub lunch delivered 🤣
Husband talked her out of it that time, but she's done it since the rules were relaxed...

welbeck Mon 22-Jun-20 00:26:50

maybe he didn't quite understand the rules.
it is becoming harder to keep up with.
everyday there seems to be some slight tweek, at least.
anyway, i think you have to decide what you want to do.
perhaps limit to passing cooked food through window.
or freezing meals for him to have whenever.
and leaving shopping on threshold.
but try to gently explain why you are concerned for his welfare. by far the majority of people who catch and are badly affected, and die, from the virus are over 70.
however fit he is. even younger fit people have suffered.

jeanie99 Mon 22-Jun-20 00:43:10

If you have concerns and believe he risks bringing the virus into your home do not allow him to be part of the bubble.
I am your FIL age and I totally understand the bubble concept.
Ask hubby to speak to him if he believes he does not understand what the government are advising.

Tennisnan Mon 22-Jun-20 09:55:01

Does anybody even know the rules any more? I can't be bothered to try to keep up with them and all the inconsistencies. Im healthy, keep 2 metres distance and wear a mask inside supermarket for once a week shop - that's it. His generation know how to keep things in perspective. Rock on Grandpa!

Jasbug Mon 22-Jun-20 10:02:42

Let him be.Im guessing if he’s got to the age he is and looks after himself normally-he is must be quite sensible.

Bellocchild Mon 22-Jun-20 10:23:20

If he and his friends have been quarantining and social distancing for 12 weeks, he and they are probably safe enough anyway. The statistics on coming into contact with a virus carrier by chance are surprisingly low.

Uninspiringcowkeer Mon 22-Jun-20 10:26:08

Be as cross as you like. My husband, 71 , is making a sketchy attempt at distancing. I am in at risk group as is my son next door. Can’t stop him.

Esspee Mon 22-Jun-20 10:34:42

I wouldn’t trust him anymore I’m afraid.

starbird Mon 22-Jun-20 10:40:45

Bellocchild makes a very good point.

The trouble starts now - if each of his friends now creates a bubble with their family, then any one of your father’s friends is in effect being exposed to all the family members of his friends.

However, my personal view is that the risk for a fit 76 year old is minimal and there is no need to worry, but if any of your family is vulnerable, then you may wish to have no contact with him.

TrendyNannie6 Mon 22-Jun-20 10:41:45

I have a friend who lives over hundred miles from me who hasn’t stuck to any rules, has unlimited people in her house, grandchildren new born baby people staying from the start of COVID, goes here there everywhere, she won’t stick to any rules, so they are out there, I don’t suppose she’s the first or last to do this, some people just don’t think it applies to them do they

loopyloo Mon 22-Jun-20 10:45:23

Hmm. I think the risk for a 76 year old man is quite high if he is unfortunate enough to come in contact with it.
But I think if you all wash hands and surfaces and wear masks you should be OK.
But it's a personal decision. Be alert, stay safe!

jaylucy Mon 22-Jun-20 10:47:21

This and other similar stories makes me think that we are pointing the fingers at the wrong part of society!
The moans and groans of people in my area over teenagers being out and about in groups are many - then you get the other end of the spectrum, like your FiL that seem to think that they have got past the worst bit so it is ok to do what they want to!
Your FiL must be aware of the government guidance - as a consenting adult, there is not a lot that you can do unless you lock him in his house!
Can only suggest that you ban him from yours for the forseeable future!

SparklyGrandma Mon 22-Jun-20 11:02:25

Put his meals/shopping on his doorstep, or on his drive, after having rung him to warn him you are coming.

Stand 3 metres away and explain you are either one bubble, or not.

Priviliged Mon 22-Jun-20 11:13:20

I do think you have the right to be annoyed as well as concerned. Yes, he is an adult and can make his own decisions but the bit lots of people miss is that staying at home / obeying the rules/ limiting to one bubble etc isn't just about protecting yourself, it's about keeping everyone else safe too. It's entirely selfish to flaunt the rules, take risks and think you can do as you like. If you do that you are risking everyone you come in contact with. The pandemic will inevitably last longer and more people will die because people do as they like rather than as they should. He is endangering you, his family, because he wants to see his mates too. He is also endangering them.

sandelf Mon 22-Jun-20 11:31:00

Just tell him ONS stat for NEW cases last week 26,900. It is a long way off over. If he wants to take risks - don't let him drag you in.

Beanie654321 Mon 22-Jun-20 11:31:47

I am thinking if I follow the guidelines then it is up to others what they do. I have watched 5 older men every day this week going for a daily walk. I have watched teenagers going out together. I was beginning to get upset and cross at what people do so I have shut down and only now see but dont think. If they want to become ill and risk death then that is upto them, provided it harms no one else. I worked as a qualified nurse for 40 years, retired last year, and am now watching friends become ill and even die because of others selfishness, but I know I can do nothing to stop it. Before giving up "caring" I shouted at a neighbour for her selfishness as I had just lost another friend who had cared for others with the virus and was told well they were getting paid to do the job and family could get money, my answer "I'm sure they would prefer the father at home". I am so disgusted with people's attitudes that I have had to step away as I can not do any thing about it. Good luck xxxx

GrannyfromWilmslow Mon 22-Jun-20 11:43:04

I live in Cheshire and know of two elderly people locally who have had it and three 30 somethings in London - all recovered thankfully. However, I check Public Health England’s figures most days and there are new cases every day - the numbers are small and maybe more tests are being done, but it’s not going away yet.

Romola Mon 22-Jun-20 12:00:23

Travelling in the same car as others and expecting you to be his "bubble"? I think that's really irresponsible and you're not being unreasonable. Any of those others in the car could infect him. And as a man (they are more affected) of 76, however fit he is, must be in the vulnerable group. Can you explain this to him? I think welbeck gave the right advice.
And while I'm about it, I do understand why young people aren't keeping to the 2-metre distancing. They really aren't at risk of serious illness. I just keep away from them.

Seajaye Mon 22-Jun-20 12:02:58

Many people are struggling with the single bubble concept. It can be tough on those leaving alone having to pick one household to bubble up with and then relying on that household not to have anyone else added to the bubble. If you have elderly parents yourself and are sandwiched between adult children and grandchildren, plus close friends you would like to see, the choice is often too difficult on terms of strict compliance.

Nearly everyone I know seems to have some overlapping going on, but otherwise socialising is markedly reduced, which is the underlying aim to reduce the risk of spreading the illness in an uncontrolled way..

If OP is worried then then maybe the safest option is to practice social distancing with anyone outside own household, seeing other people outside and staying 2m away, and dropping off shopping etc on doorsteps. Everyone must do their own risk assessment and mitigate accordingly.