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I feel so lonely

(44 Posts)
Singleton1311 Tue 07-Jul-20 21:51:45

I’ve never felt so lonely as I do tonight. I just think why do I feel like this. I’ve two daughters who are very independent. I just feel I’ve no time for myself. I’ve been on my own for over 20 years and I just don’t know what to do. I’ve got friends and family but nothing seems to move me from this feeling. Is it lockdown or is it me that’s given up?

silverlining48 Tue 07-Jul-20 22:22:20

Its understandable singleton, i think many of us are feeling the same. Its been a long haul and we are still not through it.
Its lockdown, not you giving up. I felt low yesterdsy but feel better today and hope you feel better tomorrow.

BradfordLass73 Tue 07-Jul-20 22:54:33

Singleton1311 I know the standard answer is "join more clubs" but in most cases this doesn't work. You can be dreadfully lonely when surrounded by people.

I've found that emotions like this run in cycles and I wonder if this is the same for you? Pre-menopause, I had few problems with emotions but during and after and still now, in my 70's, I find there's a pattern.

There will be days when I feel so weepy and low and prey to negative thoughts, without any specific reason for it.

Then, in a few days, the grey clouds will lift and I can pull myself out of it.

Lockdown doesn't help of course, it's an unnatural situation and health professionals are seeing a huge upswing in emotional problems along with the physical ones, so you're by no means alone.

I suspect this is what's called 'situational depression' (yes, there are many kinds of depression, not all clinical/suicidal etc) and once we all get back to normal, will gradually fade.

The very fact that we are forced into an abnormal situation of exile, is enough to make anyone lonely.

I'm going to send you a Personal Message - do you know how to access them?

Curlywhirly Tue 07-Jul-20 22:59:02

I think lockdown has a lot to do with your feeling of loneliness. You live on your own so I would think your social life is quite important, as you have not been able to socialise for several weeks, you are bound to feel low. Ring a friend/family member and arrange to get together, have a chat, go for a walk, host a BBQ, anything that involves doing something with someone else should hopefully lift your mood. Take care.

Oldbutstilluseful Tue 07-Jul-20 23:03:19

I absolutely understand where you are coming from. You are not alone in how you feel. All your normal daily routines have been stripped away, the days of being busy and fulfilled have gone and you are wondering if you will ever get any semblance of your old life back.

Raising your children to be independent is how it should be, but if only they could realise, without you having to find the words, how very much you need them now.

No, you are not alone at all. So many of us feel the same. Small comfort, but I hope it helps. 💐

jdga Tue 07-Jul-20 23:13:23

Singleton1311 - I’m sorry you’re feeling a bit low, I hope it passes soon! Everyone above gave such good answers, & the only thing I can suggest, is something I do to cheer my own self up, & that is to try & think about something happy that I can possibly make plans for. (Hug)

Grandmabatty Wed 08-Jul-20 09:46:18

I, too, live alone and have done for a number of years. Most of the time, it's fine. But sometimes I get very lonely and low. I embrace it, wallow in it for a day. If it looks like it's going to last longer, I force myself to go out for a walk, to the local shop, to phone a friend for a chat,to try something new. I also try to think of three things I enjoyed that day. I'm not saying you should do any of those, but find a way that suits you to get past it. Usually then it passes. This is not clinical depression though. For that, a visit to the doctor would be best. If your feeling of loneliness continues and you can't pick up, then maybe consider the doctor.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Wed 08-Jul-20 09:56:56

I'm sorry you're unhappy at the moment and I expect lockdown is pushing those negative feelings into sharper focus.

I'm assuming you have a mobile phone. Could you text three people just to ask, "How are you today?" and hopefully you'll get at least one reply. Or do the same with emails, as keeping the lines of communication open is so important.

I'm happy with my own company which is just as well as I spend a lot of time alone but mostly I keep busy with craft projects or reading. Depression sometimes hits me if I have a problem which I can't solve by myself but only on a bad day. Hope the clouds lift soon. flowers

Sparkling Fri 10-Jul-20 07:00:37

I'm usually fine and generally like living on my own. I have however, the last weeks been feeling lonely. The activities I did have all stopped and on line communication was good at first but that's eased off. My family have worked through all this either at home or at work, so communication is odd phone calls, although I know they love and care for me their own families are their priority and their weekend for them which I understand. I have just a few friends who seem taken up with work or their families so feeling very down, like many people I used to enjoy meeting for coffee and chats and shopping, days out but now it's a quick half hour if it's dry, with a take away coffee. I can't see any normality for a long time yet and can feel myself getting lower.

MawB Fri 10-Jul-20 07:43:37

Sparkling

I'm usually fine and generally like living on my own. I have however, the last weeks been feeling lonely. The activities I did have all stopped and on line communication was good at first but that's eased off. My family have worked through all this either at home or at work, so communication is odd phone calls, although I know they love and care for me their own families are their priority and their weekend for them which I understand. I have just a few friends who seem taken up with work or their families so feeling very down, like many people I used to enjoy meeting for coffee and chats and shopping, days out but now it's a quick half hour if it's dry, with a take away coffee. I can't see any normality for a long time yet and can feel myself getting lower.

I am with you there Sparkling
I fear we are heading for the worst of both worlds- the “novelty” of lockdown has worn off, the daily FaceTimes and the weekly family Zooms, but the situation with the risks of the virus to us over 70’s (50’s/60’s if closer to your age) remain leaving us in the limbo hinted at but pooh-poohed as alarmist in the early days of lockdown, namely that us “oldies” might be facing this indefinitely.

BlueBelle Fri 10-Jul-20 08:00:40

I can totally understand where you are coming from too but the difference I m guessing is I ve not changed as much as many have or have had to, I refused to be frightened into submission by this damned thing so although I m in the older age group I ve gone out every day (bar torrential rain) I ve carried on doing all my usual stuff, albeit alone, except work which I m now back to but it’s very different, not the fun that it used to be
Probably much easier for me as two children and grands overseas so I m used to telephone only contact The one here has watched over me well, but grandkids are grown and mostly flown so no difference there I ve also been on my own 20 plus years so I m used to that too I have missed going out to lunch and coffees with friends and cinema, theatre visits but I ve still visited local friends sitting on their driveways with a coffeeM not as good but better than nothing
I think the only answer is to push yourself however much you don’t feel like it however much incentive you’ve lost just make yourself do something I still feel as if my days are pretty useless but I just keep on keeping on
I do understand singleton and go up and down in my mood some days better than others but just keep going
If you fancy a chat pm me

Alexa Fri 10-Jul-20 08:26:47

Singleton, each of us is alone in important ways and all that has happened to you is you have understood a reality.

No matter what good friends and lovers we have nobody can live our lives, or make our decisions, or die in our places.

There is nothing to be afraid of or dwell upon. If you are physically alone and need help or company there are means to get these. Sometimes involving hard work getting to know people, sometimes less so if you are lucky.

Jillybird Fri 10-Jul-20 08:50:34

I think it is the lockdown. If I felt really miserable I used to take mysrlf out to the nearest city and look in the shops and buy myself a nice lunch.
Now I can't do that, so having very down days.
My best friend moved (with her new partner) to the far West of the country and I'm in the far East, but we used to plan meet-ups regularly. Now she has retired, we had been planning to meet much more often... but not now!

Azalea99 Fri 10-Jul-20 08:52:07

Singleton, you have my heartfelt sympathy and I agree with the other posters. I find that what helps me (and I hope this doesn’t sound too wacky) is to get out into the garden and actually handle the soil with my bare hands. Weeding can be very therapeutic - there are plenty of theories surrounding the idea of ‘grounding’ or ‘earthing’, but having been a child of the sixties I tend towards the Earth-mother thinking. Maybe it would help. With very Best wishes

Hetty58 Fri 10-Jul-20 09:03:34

I think that the feeling of loneliness is a state of mind often independent of circumstances.

I felt very lonely when bringing up my children as a lone (widowed) parent.

That was despite being surrounded by people all the time at home and work, with friends - and rushed off my feet. I felt 'displaced' somehow. I had relationships yet still felt very detached.

Now, I'm retired, live alone, have few friends, outings or visits, yet I'm perfectly happy and content with my own company (well, dog and little cat too). Whatever it was that was 'missing' from my life is no longer relevant.

polnan Fri 10-Jul-20 09:06:08

t. I just think why do I feel like this. I’ve two daughters who are very independent. I just feel I’ve no time for myself. I’ve been on my own for over 20 years and I just don’t know what to do. I’ve got friends and

Singleton, I don`t understand what you are saying here,

"I just feel I`ve no time for myself" yet you say you lonely?

I hate this "feeling lonely" feeling

SheilsM Fri 10-Jul-20 09:12:00

All I can add Singleton is I totally empathise and wish you better with how you’re feeling. There have been such good messages on here and ones that strike a note with me on my own and my son and grandchildren in France. I do hope you get some good days as well as bad. I’ve learned to just give in to the bad and if you want to just read all day or watch TV try not to feel guilty (as I tend to do) and with any luck the next day will be better. And gardening and walking the dog do make you feel more positive. Caringly, xx

Flakesdayout Fri 10-Jul-20 09:25:46

It is lockdown. I have days when I feel quite low in fact I had a spell of just not really being bothered if I was here or not. Thankfully that has passed. I have been at home since October, just started to go out to the local shops when the lockdown hit. I cannot return to my job as it is community based so not safe. Work colleagues are busy so they do not very often get in touch. My 2 children and their partners all work. (3 at home) so I cannot pop round in the week, and obviously at weekends they are sometimes with their friends or in laws. My OH is back to work and when he comes home he sits on his phone so I am almost alone there. I find if I am having a bad spell I will text people and ask how they are, it is nice to get a reply. I have two close friends, one of whom we speak almost daily. I will get into the garden even if it is to watch the birds and will do housework (groan). I am still nervous about venturing out although us Shielded people are advised to stay in til beginning of August. Then I know I will still be nervous about going out. I do not think people realise how lonely it can be when you are at home . You are not alone and things will get better.

Seefah Fri 10-Jul-20 09:35:07

I get waves of loneliness and it’s usually when I’m ignoring myself. If I spend too much time focussed on others and neglecting myself I get feelings of loneliness ?

Toadinthehole Fri 10-Jul-20 09:53:04

You don’t say how old you are, but could it be menopause? I was absolutely fine until three years ago, then amongst other physical symptoms, I developed depression/ anxiety. Very intermittent and slow in the way it came on, not always there, but very different to the old ‘me’. I’m sure lockdown is playing it’s part....but it could be worth speaking to a medical professional, so you don’t overlook anything. I hope you feel better soon, there’s certainly many of us who’ll be able to identify with you💐

Moggycuddler Fri 10-Jul-20 10:01:14

How about a pet, if you haven't got one? Not the same as a human to interact with, I know, but the presence of a friendly little cat to sit with you and take care of, or a nice dog (to walk out with as well) can be a big comfort and good company.

BoBo53 Fri 10-Jul-20 10:02:26

Know just how you feel I too often feel very lonely and as if I don’t count for anything! I have a lovely husband, kids and grandkids but few friends if any who seem to bother about me. I am President of our WI and have spent so much time doing a weekly newsletter, phoning our 50+ members and organising Zoom events. I’ve also spent time texting and phoning others who I know are on their own. However no-one phones me to ask how I am or invites me to join in with anything. Lockdown is wearing very thin and the feelings of loneliness get worse. I think sharing this on GN is a big help and I hope everyone’s advice helps us all who are feeling low. We need to give ourselves a good talking to and I suppose count our blessings as our Mums and Grandmas would have advised. Stay safe and well everyone!

Jacqui62 Fri 10-Jul-20 10:46:51

I do understand how you feel, if especially feel more since lockdown, maybe because venues have been closed, but can relate to you I feel as if iv also lost motivation...

Tedd1 Fri 10-Jul-20 10:53:28

This has made think about both my grandmothers who were widowed quite young. Although there were lots of grandchildren, we didn't visit often. Oh, how I wish I could turn back the clock

Hawera1 Fri 10-Jul-20 11:06:41

You need to decide whether this is a mood swing or clinical depression. Has it been long lasting and does it happen very often or is it a one time. That will determine whether you need to seek.help. These are very uncertain times and can manifest in feelings of fear, boredom, isolation or even invisibility. You decide what it is.