Gransnet forums

AIBU

Advice welcomed

(70 Posts)
GirlyGran Thu 30-Jul-20 10:01:30

My Mother is a fairly fit 89 year old. Prior to lockdown she had a bit of a social life and particularly enjoyed a weekly bingo session in a local private club.
Said club is reopening and I am worried for Mother to attend. All others going are of similar age group there is a bar for drinks which could encourage possible lack of distancing and letting guard down. AIBU to suggest strongly I prefer she doesn't go. I am so worried about covid-19 and the risk of spreading it.

Illte Thu 30-Jul-20 10:07:07

Ring the club and check that they've put the appropriate safety measures in place.

They will have had very specific guidance before reopening.

annsixty Thu 30-Jul-20 10:15:35

I truly feel that the risk has to be balanced by your mother being stuck in the house and starting socialising again.
The mental health aspect is being overlooked in favour of over caution.
I am 83 and I know what I am talking about.
I am disabled now or I would be making tentative steps to getting my social life back on track whilst obviously being sensible.

BlueSky Thu 30-Jul-20 10:16:33

GirlyGran let your poor mother go! That applies to all of us, we can restart doing things we enjoyed safely or we can incarcerate ourselves for the rest of our days!

MissAdventure Thu 30-Jul-20 10:19:05

I think it's up to your mum to decide what risks she is willing to take.

Perhaps wear a mask when you visit her, if you think you may be at risk.

BlueSky Thu 30-Jul-20 10:19:40

Annsixty you've let the cat out of the bag now by mentioning your age! I thought you were 'sixty'! wink

annsixty Thu 30-Jul-20 10:21:25

Oh d..n I let my guard down.
Will GNHQ delete if I ask. 😡

timetogo2016 Thu 30-Jul-20 10:23:54

BlueSky is spot on.let her do what makes her happy.
I think the club will do the social distance requirments for everyones safety.

Grandmabatty Thu 30-Jul-20 11:28:50

Does your mum want to go? If she has capacity and understands the risks then it could be good for her to meet with others. How is the R rate where she lives? That's worth looking at to weigh up the risks. My mum will not go out at all and hasn't left the house since February. I worry about her muscle strength as she isn't walking much at all. It's natural to worry but if your mum really wants to go, then maybe she should. Another point, the bingo place will presumably have to have put lots of health measures in place so perhaps you are worrying unnecessarily.

sodapop Thu 30-Jul-20 12:32:45

I agree with annsixty the risks all round have to be assessed not just the infection risk.
I'm sure the appropriate measures will be in place and its up to your Mum then.

annep1 Thu 30-Jul-20 12:52:12

Maybe check what precautions are being taken to ease your mind.
I think you wear a mask to protect others, so your mum would need to wear a mask to protect you, if you're worried.

yggdrasil Thu 30-Jul-20 14:04:27

My daughter lives 200 miles from me. When all this started she began telling me what I could and couldn't do. Now I am sure this was because of concern for me, but it hurt. I am quite capable of deciding my own life, I have been doing it long enough. (She has the message now :-) )
So if your mother knows her own mind, enjoys her bingo and friends, wears a mask and sticks to the rules of the club, let her get on with it.

Sussexborn Thu 30-Jul-20 14:19:23

Are you near enough to call in to the club and see what measures are in place just to reassure yourself?

Vast majority are doing what is necessary but we do need to make our own judgements within the safeguarding rules. Some prefer to stay home and would be too scared to enjoy any outings others are less risk adverse and want to socialise and have fun.

MissAdventure Thu 30-Jul-20 14:32:24

I'd be really cross if people were doing all this over and above my judgement and wishes.

Esspee Thu 30-Jul-20 14:40:25

I would be horrified if any of my family tried to make decisions for me.
Let her live her life as she wishes.

grannyticktock Thu 30-Jul-20 14:51:07

At 89, your mother must know that she has probably not got many active years left. If she chooses to take a small risk in order to do the things she wants while she still can, that's up to her. You can advise her, tactfully,on sensible precautions to take,but please don't tell her just to stay at home.

GirlyGran Thu 30-Jul-20 15:05:54

Thank you all appreciate your thoughts. It really is more about me and my feelings as I have not voiced my concerns yet to my Mum. I want her to enjoy life...it's just about obtaining safe balance. Definitely going to the club to check their procedues.

Taliya Thu 30-Jul-20 15:23:08

I think the benefits to your mum's general well being and mental health of going to bingo once a week with friends and having a drink probably outweigh the small risks. Maybe if they wore masks and social distanced or as it's summer could they do the bingo outside of the private club has a garden or terrace? Life is more than just existing isn't it.

dizzyblonde Thu 30-Jul-20 15:44:47

Having recently dealt with several attempted and some ‘successful’ suicides amongst older people who have all cited loneliness and lack of human contact during lockdown as the reasons, I would be very careful about attempting to impose your wishes on your Mother. It is a fact of life that at her age she has a limited amount of time left and may well prefer to have the time left to her spent happily and with friends rather than in isolation.

B9exchange Thu 30-Jul-20 15:57:56

Please encourage her to go, she will be aware her remaining months are ticking by, and it would do her so much good to get out and meet friends, might well prolong her life!

annep1 Thu 30-Jul-20 16:19:44

I have friends whose children are telling them what to do. My 74 year old friend sneaks out for a walk when she knows her daughter is at work and won't call. I ask my children for advice but they can't make decisions for me.

TwiceAsNice Thu 30-Jul-20 17:10:31

I am 67 and go to a knitting club where a lot of the members are a lot older. They have decided to reopen in Sept and sent a letter with a short questionnaire about whether members would go back or not explaining how they would make it safe. One of the questions was “ will your family allow you to return”? I replied “yes, my choice “I think maybe you must allow your mum to do the same!

BlueBelle Thu 30-Jul-20 17:20:59

Oh for goodness sake let her go, life is for enjoying if I got to 89 I d be more than happy to go out to something I enjoyed and would take no notice of anybody telling me not to....
how many years has she got and why would you want to keep her in a cotton wool package ...for what a couple of years or a bit longer, in misery, so yes you are being very overprotective and unreasonable I understand it’s done out of love and care but you are not doing this right at all

NfkDumpling Thu 30-Jul-20 17:21:58

Our local pubs and the social club are being very strict as they don't want to be closed down for not following the guidelines. Around here things are very civilised and much quieter than before Covid. It's only really late at night when the much younger ones have been drinking for several hours that things get noisier and cosier. I doubt this will happen at a Bingo evening.

ladymuck Thu 30-Jul-20 17:27:07

Is she not capable of deciding for herself? We are all aware of the precautions we need to take. As long as the guidelines are followed, I see no reason why she shouldn't go.