Special guardianship of my step granddaughter

Tipper that is really good news

That must be such a relief Tipper so good to hear you and your husband are in agreement. Good luck whatever you decide

I’m so very glad you have his support to choose what is right for you Tipper

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and thoughts and opinions.
I had a long chat with my husband last night and I read what I’d written on here. He was great about it, he said that he wouldn’t resent me if I decide that I don’t want to do it and to be honest there’s a big part of him that is relieved. I read him some of your comments and he was really sorry that he’s made me feel pressured into it.
I feel like a big weight has been lifted from me and last night I slept well for the first time in many weeks. I still haven’t made a 100% decision either way but at least now I know that I’m going to be supported by my husband whatever decision I make. Thank you all again

Tipper, there has been some good advice here. You don't say whether the baby is already subject of an Interim Care Order. Sometimes, parents are persuaded to agree to voluntary arrangements in order to avoid theFamily Court. That is never a good thing to agree to. Care proceedings ensure planning is totally child centred and avoid drift. A Children's Guardian will be appointed by the Court to instruct a solicitor to represent the children. It's unusual for a baby to be placed in foster care at birth without very significant concerns that the baby is likely to suffer significant harm if left with either parent. Family are usually the first point of call

- SGO has to be a for life arrangement. It sounds as though the bulk of the care would fall to you. You have very genuine and understandable reasons for being reluctant to do this.
You would go through an extensive assessment process where your concerns would have to be discussed.

- If the l.a. conclude SGO is the right option you would share Parental Responsibility with the birth parents. You'd be responsible for arranging contact. I

- If an SGO is made as part of care proceedings, you should get financial support in the same way that foster carers do.

- Your step daughter seems to think if you take the baby she will be able to resume care "when I sort myself out". As she has prioritised the man so far, how long is the child supposed to wait. There is likely to be another baby .....

I imagine there is a lot more to the family dynamics that means you and your husband are the only potential carers for this little baby. I hope you can talk this through with your husband and have your own feelings acknowledged. It's possible you go through a lengthy assessment process that can only end in a decision that adoption offers the most secure future for this little one. Such a tough place for you x

Dont blame you for wanting to say no. Typo

Absolutely agree with Hithere

You are such a good person for considering this.

I agree that your dh has to step up and be a true father to this baby if he wants to take guardianship - changing his job is the first step
If not, he wants his cake and eat it too, very selfish of him

Three points to consider that have not being mentioned:
1. Your stepdaughter thinks this is temporary - huge red flag. Is she in denial they are taking away her parental rights?

2. In cases where family adopts the baby or has long term guardianship of baby, it is harder than in other cases with no blood relation
Your step daughter may think this is the best solution because she could still see her child, get info about her whenever she wants and even make decisions towards how baby is raised.
Would your stepdaughter expect access to your now child and throw a fit? What would your dh do in this case? Which leads me to point 3

3. Is your dh willing to put boundaries with your stepdaughter if you get the baby? What would his expectations for this step daughter - what would he allow her to do with the baby and fight with you about it?

I don't blame you for not wanting to say no. You are a good mom to your child and thinking of him and how this impacts him shows it. Your needs are also important and I am so glad you recognize it.

I sense the marriage is not in a good place.
Get prepared, consult a lawyer to know your rights just in case your dh retaliates, I truly hope it wont happen

So if this was to happen
happen
-DH has to change his lifestyle to share or do most of the care - not negotiable
-you and dh are on the same page of rules for your gd and the birth mother
-DH puts you, your 13 y.o and baby first, not her step daughter

I've thought and thought about this and it seems to me that this is a whole family that ducks their responsibilities and hands them over to someone else. Even your husband is doing that.

If he really, really wants to do this he has to quit his job and be there for this baby and all through the growing years. My bet is he won't want to do that.

But it's not just about you and your husband. Every child needs a stable, loving home and family and there are too many unstable elements in your new family.

The grownups have to put their feelings aside and do what is best for the child.

?

The answer from me is I am afraid a definite no. How will you work with a small baby, will it go into nursery and who will pay for it. You will be taking on the huge financial side of bringing up a child Your step daughter really needs to step up and take responsibility, after all she is the mother and made a choice to continue with having the baby. Your life will not only be put on hold but you will have the father no doubt wanting his rights to see the child etc. I can see nothing but chaos and heartache. Also its early days in your marriage and you need space and time to grow together as a family, your husband, you and your daughter.
Last but not least, what say, god forbid, anything happened to you or your husband. Think on long and hard.

Nana strawberry,I have no advice I’m afraid but there will be Gransnetters on the estrangement thread who will be able to give you good and compassionate advice.
If you start a new thread,I am sure you will get a lot of advice from people who understand what you are going through.?

I'm considering going through courts C100 to apply to see my grandchildren. I have no idea what it entsils or what chance i have??
Son and I now estranged since arguments due to historical miscommunication etc.
I had a close loving relationship with the children and cared for them 1 day a week whilst both parents work for 8 years .
Haven't seen them over a year now; son refused to attend mediation.
Please anyone; I'm desperate for advice and support ??

I’m so sorry Tipper. You are in a no win situation.

Where your husband is away at the majority of the time and everything would fall on you, I’m not sure I could take it on. I think you are an amazing person for even considering it.

But you would effectively be signing up to be a solo parent, and let’s be honest it’s going to be longer than 18 years because you will fall in love with a child and you’re not going to give them up as soon as they turn 18.

Also pp have raised an excellent point.
This will not be the last child.
It just won’t be.

So how many are you willing to do this for?

Thinking what’s best for the child I would say adoption. If you take the baby in what happens if you are unwell or even, heaven forbid your dh should die? Where is the stability for the child there? On top of that there is an abusive father who can turn up and cause you and the child trouble at any time. If all the relatives love this child then they will want what is best for him/her and adoption with a family who would love to have a child seems the best option.

Unfortunately my husband works away during the week so he will only be helping at weekends

So how is he going to provide 100% childcare?
It’s not up to you to provide solutions. He needs to.
If he uses that as an excuse just bat it back to him.
How will you raise a child when you’re not here.

If he brings you up be straight. Zero grey area.

I have raised my children. My baby days are done. I am living my life and your daughters failings are not my problem.

What a nightmare.
Your stepdaughter isn't willing to put her baby first but the whole family expects you to?
That's just unbelievable.
Please find the strength to do the right thing for you and your thirteen year old.

SpringyChicken is right.A young family we know adopted a little boy,then they were asked to adopt his sister which they did willingly.Now there is a third baby on the way and they have been asked to adopt this baby too.They know it isn’t right for them or the children they have to do this but it is still causing them much upset.

I feel for you.I have been thinking about you since I first read your post?

Tipper. You have my sympathy. It’s a hard decision to make but...now SS are involved they will be looking at what is best for the child. That has to be their prime concern. It would seem that the three options you have listed, in my experience, are correct. Unless you commit to the Special Guardianship Order fully SS won’t place the child with you. The problem would be that without the SGO the parents would continue to have shared parental responsibility with you and your husband over such things as schooling, vaccinations etc etc.
They want total commitment for the sake of the child.
If you can’t/won’t give that commitment the only path is adoption.
Sorry to be so blunt but that is the way the system works.
I would guess the only contact you would have with the child if adoption went ahead would be “letterbox contact”
Also consider what SpringyChicken has said...it rarely stops at one child...if another child were to be born SS would approach you so that siblings could be kept together.
It’s a hard decision. My thoughts are with you...I am sure you will make the right decision.[flowers}

Tipper, there’s no guarantee stepdaughter will stop at one baby.

You fear you will lose your husband if you don't take this baby on. Your husband is asking an awful lot of you - is he really taking your feelings into account. If he isn't listening to you at this early stage of your marriage is there a chance in the future that your own relationship will break down? Where does that leave this little child?

If your relationship with husband is strong enough, and he really understands how much HIS life is going to have to change then your love for this baby can overcome all difficulties.

Sadly this might be make or break time for your own relationship but what is best for the baby should come first.

I am sorry Tipper but you seem to be in a no win situation.
To my mind it would be kinder to the child to allow it to be adopted, either way I can not see much of a future for your marriage.

I really feel for you Tipper. Such a heart wrenching predicament. You say unless you step up the baby will have to leave the family and be adopted. But it’s not you who needs to step up it’s the baby’s mother and she has chosen to be with a violent man who has served time in prison for his domestic abuse.
She has chosen this man over her baby. Now you are being expected to take responsibility for her little baby regardless of the impact this will have on your own family life. She sounds controlled by this man. It will be heartbreaking for you to make the decision not to have the baby but I can’t help thinking it would be the best outcome for her to go to adoptive parents.

Oh I've just seen that your husband is away during the week.

In that case No. I think adoption with a loving family is by far the best option. We do have experience of adoption in our family so I'm not just throwing that in without thought.

I agree with Bibbity that if as a couple you decide to go ahead, the child rearing is your husbands responsibility. He is the one that must give up his job or arrange child care.

If you do go ahead tell social services that you wish to foster. You will then receive some financial support.
A friend took in her sisters four children and social services were very keen on the Guardianship route because the children then ceased to be their responsibility. She insisted on a fostership because financially it would have been impossible.

It also meant that when things started to go badly wrong with the eldest child social services had a responsibility to help.

They would be responsible for arranging any contact with the father, not you.

This is if you decide to go ahead. Personally I feel that your own family (especially your 13 year old) has had to cope with a lot of upheaval already at a sensitive age.