Special guardianship of my step granddaughter

Just to add that we have two adopted grandchildren who are greatly loved by all our family. They have contact with some of their siblings but not their birth parents. When they are 18 they will have to decide whether or not they want that. Given the chaotic nature of their birth family I have absolutely no doubt that adoption was in their best interests and that they are getting the best possible start in life. Birth family is not necessarily the best thing.

OP updated on previous page

Nowadays it can be possible for an adopted child to continue to have contact with their birth family.

My personal opinion, and it is a personal one, others will disagree, is that unless someone else in this girl's birth family can step up to the mark, then it is probably best the child is adopted.

I think it way beyond acceptable for your husband, let alone his extended family, to expect you to give up your life to bring up his grandchild, where you are so new to the family and your marriage is so young and where his (and their) input into raising the child is obviously going to be minimal. As others have said, your step daughter's life is obviously chaotic and this child may be followed by others.

I think, no matter what decision you reach, it is going to be a make or break decision for your marriage, which is a tragedy. On the other hand, if your husband - and his family - are behaving with such little respect to you in this matter, the earlier you find out the better.

Ohhhh sorry Tipper

Only JUST read your last post .

Sorry.

Well, I most certainly think that you have done what is right, if there are these issues regarding your husband and the step-daughter flying off the handle like that, then in my view THIS is precisely what you would be experiencing for years.

You have made an extremely loving decision in the childs best interest.... be proud of yourself for the little childs sake.

I cant help thinking as I read your post Tipper that IF you did take this poor child on the mother is still the step-daughter and is still going to be 'around', so I cant help but think that you are going to have endless years of 'input' from your step-daughter.

I was adopted at 6 weeks old, my natural mothers identity was never known. I was brought up by the most wonderful, precious,loving mum and dad.

It must be an extremely heartbreaking situation that you find yourself in, but in my view, this lovely child NEEDS stability and from what you have said ( your husband working away, you have a young child yourself, you would have to give up a heck of a lot in your life ) I would think the kindest, most loving thing you can do is say no and allow this little child to be brought up in stability ..

Thoughts with you

Tipper what a horrible situation for you and your poor husband. You've made the right decision. So sad for you though.

Really sorry to hear that Tipper. How upsetting for you and your husband when you are both trying to do what’s best.
Your little granddaughter needs a nurturing, stable home environment ( as does your 13 yr old daughter) and it doesn’t appear that your stepdaughter and her abusive partner are going to allow it.

So sorry to hear such an update.

Thank you for putting your gc's wellness and needs first.

Ok hopefully this will be the final update. My step daughter phoned yesterday absolutely ranting. Her social worker had given her a copy of the transcript from our viability assessment. In it the SW asked us if we believed that she (my step daughter) was being manipulated by the baby’s father. We said in our opinion yes she was being manipulated.
My step daughter asked my husband why he had put that answer and he said it was because he wanted to be truthful with the SW. My step daughter went totally ballistic shouting and swearing down the phone at my husband. She accused us of only wanting to take the baby because we wanted her for ourselves to bring her up as our own baby (hahaha as if). She told my husband that she didn’t give a s**t about him anyway because he wasn’t her biological dad (there is a lot of doubt about her parentage but my husband has always brought her up as if she was his, he never asked for dna tests etc and he’s provided for her all her life).
When she said that, he burst into tears and I told him there and then that I would never forgive her for that comment as there was no need to say that other than to hurt and be vicious. She also said that she will be contacting social services to remove our names from the applications.
Unfortunately she has a habit of shouting her mouth off then phoning up a couple of days later as if nothing’s happened, I put it down to her being a spoilt only child. Anyway I have now told my husband that I don’t care if she phones up and begs for forgiveness, I will not be taking the baby. I am going to phone SS tomorrow and I am going to be taking my name off the application. I will also be telling the social worker that, in my humble opinion, I believe the best thing that can happen to my grand daughter is that she is adopted to loving parents who will put her welfare first which is something her biological mother is unable and/or unwilling to do.
I would just like to add that I am so very grateful to everyone who took the time to answer my plea for help. You are all amazing

don't do it.
if the mother realises that she is about to lose the child to adoption, maybe that will wake her up to seek help actively to leave the man and try to be a proper mother.
if she can convince and co-operate with ss.
anyway, it's not your responsibility. you have your own child.

Tipper, thanks for the update. If the plan is adoption, ask the social worker to help you contribute to life story work x

Stick to your guns it is far too big a commitment to make :the child, if adopted , will get a lovely home . If the mother cannot put the baby before her man it is her choice so why should you take over her responsibility.

So pleased he reacted that way, Tipper.

Really pleased that you will have your husbands support Tipper?

So glad!

Tipper that is really good news

That must be such a relief Tipper so good to hear you and your husband are in agreement. Good luck whatever you decide

I’m so very glad you have his support to choose what is right for you Tipper

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and thoughts and opinions.
I had a long chat with my husband last night and I read what I’d written on here. He was great about it, he said that he wouldn’t resent me if I decide that I don’t want to do it and to be honest there’s a big part of him that is relieved. I read him some of your comments and he was really sorry that he’s made me feel pressured into it.
I feel like a big weight has been lifted from me and last night I slept well for the first time in many weeks. I still haven’t made a 100% decision either way but at least now I know that I’m going to be supported by my husband whatever decision I make. Thank you all again

Tipper, there has been some good advice here. You don't say whether the baby is already subject of an Interim Care Order. Sometimes, parents are persuaded to agree to voluntary arrangements in order to avoid theFamily Court. That is never a good thing to agree to. Care proceedings ensure planning is totally child centred and avoid drift. A Children's Guardian will be appointed by the Court to instruct a solicitor to represent the children. It's unusual for a baby to be placed in foster care at birth without very significant concerns that the baby is likely to suffer significant harm if left with either parent. Family are usually the first point of call

- SGO has to be a for life arrangement. It sounds as though the bulk of the care would fall to you. You have very genuine and understandable reasons for being reluctant to do this.
You would go through an extensive assessment process where your concerns would have to be discussed.

- If the l.a. conclude SGO is the right option you would share Parental Responsibility with the birth parents. You'd be responsible for arranging contact. I

- If an SGO is made as part of care proceedings, you should get financial support in the same way that foster carers do.

- Your step daughter seems to think if you take the baby she will be able to resume care "when I sort myself out". As she has prioritised the man so far, how long is the child supposed to wait. There is likely to be another baby .....

I imagine there is a lot more to the family dynamics that means you and your husband are the only potential carers for this little baby. I hope you can talk this through with your husband and have your own feelings acknowledged. It's possible you go through a lengthy assessment process that can only end in a decision that adoption offers the most secure future for this little one. Such a tough place for you x

Dont blame you for wanting to say no. Typo

Absolutely agree with Hithere

You are such a good person for considering this.

I agree that your dh has to step up and be a true father to this baby if he wants to take guardianship - changing his job is the first step
If not, he wants his cake and eat it too, very selfish of him

Three points to consider that have not being mentioned:
1. Your stepdaughter thinks this is temporary - huge red flag. Is she in denial they are taking away her parental rights?

2. In cases where family adopts the baby or has long term guardianship of baby, it is harder than in other cases with no blood relation
Your step daughter may think this is the best solution because she could still see her child, get info about her whenever she wants and even make decisions towards how baby is raised.
Would your stepdaughter expect access to your now child and throw a fit? What would your dh do in this case? Which leads me to point 3

3. Is your dh willing to put boundaries with your stepdaughter if you get the baby? What would his expectations for this step daughter - what would he allow her to do with the baby and fight with you about it?

I don't blame you for not wanting to say no. You are a good mom to your child and thinking of him and how this impacts him shows it. Your needs are also important and I am so glad you recognize it.

I sense the marriage is not in a good place.
Get prepared, consult a lawyer to know your rights just in case your dh retaliates, I truly hope it wont happen

So if this was to happen
happen
-DH has to change his lifestyle to share or do most of the care - not negotiable
-you and dh are on the same page of rules for your gd and the birth mother
-DH puts you, your 13 y.o and baby first, not her step daughter

I've thought and thought about this and it seems to me that this is a whole family that ducks their responsibilities and hands them over to someone else. Even your husband is doing that.

If he really, really wants to do this he has to quit his job and be there for this baby and all through the growing years. My bet is he won't want to do that.

But it's not just about you and your husband. Every child needs a stable, loving home and family and there are too many unstable elements in your new family.

The grownups have to put their feelings aside and do what is best for the child.

?

The answer from me is I am afraid a definite no. How will you work with a small baby, will it go into nursery and who will pay for it. You will be taking on the huge financial side of bringing up a child Your step daughter really needs to step up and take responsibility, after all she is the mother and made a choice to continue with having the baby. Your life will not only be put on hold but you will have the father no doubt wanting his rights to see the child etc. I can see nothing but chaos and heartache. Also its early days in your marriage and you need space and time to grow together as a family, your husband, you and your daughter.
Last but not least, what say, god forbid, anything happened to you or your husband. Think on long and hard.