Special guardianship of my step granddaughter

didn't realise this was an old one, I hope all got sorted.

lemsip

.................Winnipeg3100

*How did you find a four year old thread from 2020*

I was wondering. just that. In fact I almost started a new thread asking the same but couldn't decide where it belonged.

.................Winnipeg3100

How did you find a four year old thread from 2020

So basically the story is that you, a non relative, are being asked to give up a good chunk of your life to raise a child? Given that its an adoption and not a foster, you will also have to pay for the privelege? I know that sounds hard, but it has to be considered. I am thinking that there is a gap in the story here as its my understanding that this kind of removal at birth immediate adoption scenario is not done lightly. To me this sounds like your step daughter has....well lets say "issues" Essentially also your new husband is saying "I want you to do this but I won't be here" Either he is not being thoughtful to you and your own daughter or he hasn't thought at all. Lastly have you thought about the effect that this would have on your own daughter? How you will work through the situation of letting your stepdaughter have access to the baby or not? and yes an abusive father floating around...... So many red flags. The last thing is really horrible but I will say it anyway....how long did you know your new husband before you married him? Yes lovely people can have troubled children...but still.... I would be particularly worried that he works away so if trouble does kick off you are likely to be alone in the house apart from your daughter and the baby...and lastly yes, this won't be the last baby.......I know its awful but I'd say no. Its not fair on the baby, not fair on you, not fair on your daughter. I get also that this may trash your very new marriage. I'd still say that's not a good enough reason to do it. Sorry but I don't.

Why are there such old posts on here, four years is a bit much.

Yes.thanks for pointing this out but Tipper never replied to any of her answers.

M0nica

Nowadays it can be possible for an adopted child to continue to have contact with their birth family.

My personal opinion, and it is a personal one, others will disagree, is that unless someone else in this girl's birth family can step up to the mark, then it is probably best the child is adopted.

I think it way beyond acceptable for your husband, let alone his extended family, to expect you to give up your life to bring up his grandchild, where you are so new to the family and your marriage is so young and where his (and their) input into raising the child is obviously going to be minimal. As others have said, your step daughter's life is obviously chaotic and this child may be followed by others.

I think, no matter what decision you reach, it is going to be a make or break decision for your marriage, which is a tragedy. On the other hand, if your husband - and his family - are behaving with such little respect to you in this matter, the earlier you find out the better.

Very wise and considered advice... this child needs to feel wanted.

This thread is 4 years old.

I would just add my voice to advocating adoption. For family reasons I would see this as being in the best interests of the child - which has to be the number one priority. Perhaps an "open adoption " might be possible? For family members (such as your DH), to be kept "in the loop"?

You absolutely sound like you made the right decision.
Hope it's all gone well for you OP.

Just to add that we have two adopted grandchildren who are greatly loved by all our family. They have contact with some of their siblings but not their birth parents. When they are 18 they will have to decide whether or not they want that. Given the chaotic nature of their birth family I have absolutely no doubt that adoption was in their best interests and that they are getting the best possible start in life. Birth family is not necessarily the best thing.

OP updated on previous page

Nowadays it can be possible for an adopted child to continue to have contact with their birth family.

My personal opinion, and it is a personal one, others will disagree, is that unless someone else in this girl's birth family can step up to the mark, then it is probably best the child is adopted.

I think it way beyond acceptable for your husband, let alone his extended family, to expect you to give up your life to bring up his grandchild, where you are so new to the family and your marriage is so young and where his (and their) input into raising the child is obviously going to be minimal. As others have said, your step daughter's life is obviously chaotic and this child may be followed by others.

I think, no matter what decision you reach, it is going to be a make or break decision for your marriage, which is a tragedy. On the other hand, if your husband - and his family - are behaving with such little respect to you in this matter, the earlier you find out the better.

Ohhhh sorry Tipper

Only JUST read your last post .

Sorry.

Well, I most certainly think that you have done what is right, if there are these issues regarding your husband and the step-daughter flying off the handle like that, then in my view THIS is precisely what you would be experiencing for years.

You have made an extremely loving decision in the childs best interest.... be proud of yourself for the little childs sake.

I cant help thinking as I read your post Tipper that IF you did take this poor child on the mother is still the step-daughter and is still going to be 'around', so I cant help but think that you are going to have endless years of 'input' from your step-daughter.

I was adopted at 6 weeks old, my natural mothers identity was never known. I was brought up by the most wonderful, precious,loving mum and dad.

It must be an extremely heartbreaking situation that you find yourself in, but in my view, this lovely child NEEDS stability and from what you have said ( your husband working away, you have a young child yourself, you would have to give up a heck of a lot in your life ) I would think the kindest, most loving thing you can do is say no and allow this little child to be brought up in stability ..

Thoughts with you

Tipper what a horrible situation for you and your poor husband. You've made the right decision. So sad for you though.

Really sorry to hear that Tipper. How upsetting for you and your husband when you are both trying to do what’s best.
Your little granddaughter needs a nurturing, stable home environment ( as does your 13 yr old daughter) and it doesn’t appear that your stepdaughter and her abusive partner are going to allow it.

So sorry to hear such an update.

Thank you for putting your gc's wellness and needs first.

Ok hopefully this will be the final update. My step daughter phoned yesterday absolutely ranting. Her social worker had given her a copy of the transcript from our viability assessment. In it the SW asked us if we believed that she (my step daughter) was being manipulated by the baby’s father. We said in our opinion yes she was being manipulated.
My step daughter asked my husband why he had put that answer and he said it was because he wanted to be truthful with the SW. My step daughter went totally ballistic shouting and swearing down the phone at my husband. She accused us of only wanting to take the baby because we wanted her for ourselves to bring her up as our own baby (hahaha as if). She told my husband that she didn’t give a s**t about him anyway because he wasn’t her biological dad (there is a lot of doubt about her parentage but my husband has always brought her up as if she was his, he never asked for dna tests etc and he’s provided for her all her life).
When she said that, he burst into tears and I told him there and then that I would never forgive her for that comment as there was no need to say that other than to hurt and be vicious. She also said that she will be contacting social services to remove our names from the applications.
Unfortunately she has a habit of shouting her mouth off then phoning up a couple of days later as if nothing’s happened, I put it down to her being a spoilt only child. Anyway I have now told my husband that I don’t care if she phones up and begs for forgiveness, I will not be taking the baby. I am going to phone SS tomorrow and I am going to be taking my name off the application. I will also be telling the social worker that, in my humble opinion, I believe the best thing that can happen to my grand daughter is that she is adopted to loving parents who will put her welfare first which is something her biological mother is unable and/or unwilling to do.
I would just like to add that I am so very grateful to everyone who took the time to answer my plea for help. You are all amazing

don't do it.
if the mother realises that she is about to lose the child to adoption, maybe that will wake her up to seek help actively to leave the man and try to be a proper mother.
if she can convince and co-operate with ss.
anyway, it's not your responsibility. you have your own child.

Tipper, thanks for the update. If the plan is adoption, ask the social worker to help you contribute to life story work x

Stick to your guns it is far too big a commitment to make :the child, if adopted , will get a lovely home . If the mother cannot put the baby before her man it is her choice so why should you take over her responsibility.

So pleased he reacted that way, Tipper.

Really pleased that you will have your husbands support Tipper?

So glad!