to avoid my difficult sister-in-law even though we're putting her mum into care?

So your husband AND his sister are unable to do anything - pretty convenient for them !

Surely in their busy lives they can spare a few minutes each week to speak to each other and share what is happening with their own mother.

I think you've been the "glue " which holds your family together for many years , and they are used to you doing everything. Take a step back and let them do something.

Someone needs to be made Power of Attorney for health and maybe wealth of your mother in law if she is still of sound mind. That person can then work with the mother in law as to what is best for her instead of asking what's best for her from other people.

Nothing and I mean nothing is worth putting your health on the line.

Once your MiL is safely ensconced in a care home leave the rest of it to your DH and SiL to deal with then you can’t be accused of interfering and you’ll get some time back to properly care for and nourish your own mental health x

Tell OH to deal with her.

Honestly we cannot spoon feed the men and let them off every hook. For years when we first married I used to remind OH that he had not spoken to his family in months - after a while I stopped bothering - his family, his decision.

I am not sure why the liaison with SIL about all this falls to you - your OH should be doing this. If she rings or contacts you and gives you grief, then tell her you will get OH to ring and say your goodbyes.

It is hard to break the habit of being the communicator and peace maker, but I think maybe you should!

Totally agree with you Hithere. Wise words.

Valdali, Some people are more scratchy than others. I'd avoid her whenever possible. It may be a help not to get into discussions with her but simply quietly repeat what you would like her to do without explaining or apologising.

I applaud your hard work and care for the old lady. Have you yourself the legal power to sell the house for her? If not I can't see what you can do about the house except remind whoever has the power to get on with selling it, and that it is their responsibility.

I treat her with kid gloves
I would stop doing that. You can be firm and pleasant without letting her walk all over you.

It really is up to your DH and his sister to organise their mother's care, you have done more than enough over the years for your DMIL.
There are always reasons why some family members are "unable to help".

he's not going to change
He needs to be told!

I can foresee problems arising when you are trying to make financial decisions and sil could easily say that it isn't your mother so why are you making decisions? Like some of the others, I think your husband has to step up here. Mil is his and his sister's mum, not yours, therefore I think you need to be careful of your own well being. Sil shouldn't be left out of the decision making loop, no matter how challenging she is.

I was in a similar situation. FiL needed care and his daughter lived too far away to help regularly. DH and I had to do most of the care, hospital visits, arranging carers etc. I was very conscious that it wasn't my place to make decisions about him. Fortunately DH was willing to discuss things with his sister when necessary and she wasn't difficult.

I agree that, if at all possible, your DH should 'discuss' necessary actions with his sister and you just help and support him - as you would hope he would do if it was your mother. If he really can't/won't, then perhaps you could indicate that you are communicating on his behalf rather than taking charge.

No, it is his own fault to neglect his mother and sister

If he is a le to handle a successful business, he is able to deal with this. He doesnt want to and you are making excuses for him

It also doesnt make it your problem or person to step in to cover the gap

At this point, you elect to participate in this situation and are looking for the magic words to make it easier.

No words can change your SIL, dh or mil.
Only you can change your own behaviour

You have two options- participate without venting or complaining ("this is how he is" is not a reason to justify this) or make changes to avoid impacting your health.

You cannot have both. Your call.

I totally agree but that's my DH, I've been with him for 32 yrs now & he's not going to change. I do delegate some of the texts & updates to him - but then with reminding him & nagging him - it is easier to do it myself. Plus he has his own business & is trapped in a vicious circle where he's too busy to think about getting extra help to make him less busy - but I'm not sure at bottom that he wants to be less busy.Its not my MiL fault how he is.

Dh can take care of this himself, he is choosing to be a workaholic and pass you the hot potato. His mother and sister - his responsibility

You should put 0.00000000000000% of your health on the line.

if this is your husband's sister, he should be dealing with her.
he seems to have left it all to you, looking after his mother, now dealing with his sister.
time for him to step up.
if you make yourself a doormat, people will walk all over you.
as they say on MN, you've got a husband problem, not a SIL one.
why are you doing all the running around. put your foot down. and make him pull his weight with his own family.

Perhaps you need to say it how it is valdali and leave off the kid gloves. You have helped her mother enormously when she was unable to do so for whatever reason. Don't let yourself be bullied by this woman.

You really can't avoid her. This is her mum and she has a right to know what's going on. You are a good d.i.l. and I applaud you for that. I can foresee the same happening with my family. I have one daughter and 2 daughters-in-law. Heaven help them when my time comes for whatever?all three have strong personalities. I hope you are able to sort things out without too much upset. Good luck !!