Another family get together ruined

JdotJ
Interesting that you say you dont get on with your daughter and you dont get on particularly well with your mother.
I wonder why ??

Easy to jump to conclusions which could very easily be wide of the mark

Sorry but your daughter is experienced enough to make sure she's got a glass of water if she needs it before she settles down to breastfeed.

Absolutely this (above)

You are 64 and you say 'your mum told you off for having a drink'. She must be in her 80's surely so is obviously worried about you to comment.
Interesting that you say you dont get on with your daughter and you dont get on particularly well with your mother.
I wonder why ??

Your daughter obviously feels she has the right to demand. I think for your own peace of mind you should grin and bear it. It might be easier to keep your feelings to yourself if you aren't boozed up.
My sympathies to you BTW.

Personally I feel it goes far deeper than the OP not getting a glass of water. As she says she had done everything to ensure they had a good time, booked a place, played with gd, gone to work, come back and flopped. I don't think a breast feeding mum is incapable of getting up and getting a glass of water or getting a glass of water before she starts bf. so I feel there is much more to it than just that! Sometimes when you are in the middle of adult children and elderly parents, the demands become too much.

I don't think it should be a big issue though dortie. If they are all getting at you despite you booking this and working at same time, you must be wondering when anyone is going to consider you? Try not to get into an argument about it all. Maybe you could have got up for a glass of water? But we don't know how you are feeling in general do we? You are maybe worn out with it all.

Sorry, but how hard is it to get someone a glass of water, breastfeeding or not. I always immediately felt thirsty when breastfeeding. She sounds like she has a lot on her plate at the moment and needs support.

Are you still here dortie?

I can’t see how two drinks make you an Alcoholic,But if she is, it’s her that has to decide when to stop, no amount of shaming will force her into it, bit like people with W eight issue.. It sounds as if both sides were tired and techie, I would have just got the water, with a four week old I would want to help in any way I could. Don’t let to this incident spoil your relationship with your grandchildren, you would be libel6 without them. I do think a lot of people almost score points of each other for some reason, best to let the small things go, pp

Summerlove

*I don’t think an alcoholic would drink what you drank. I don’t feel you drank too much. An alcoholic would have had a hip flask of spirits on them all day.*

This is such an outdated view of alchoholism. You can have one to two glasses of wine per day and be an alhoholic. It all depends on “need”. Please do some research.

Note: this is not me saying OP is an alcoholic.

OP, you’re in a tough spot. It sounds like a hard day. You and your daughter need to have a good conversation about both of your needs, and expectations.

That said, I think it was petty not to get her water.

Hi, apologies summerlove. The only alcoholics I know are those who come into my workplace and they all have hipflasks . My workplace is a food bank and cafe which for people in dire need so that’s probably why I’ve only seen the ‘obvious’ cases). It’s interesting that you can be an alcoholic on what seems quite a low amount of drink per day. I also did not know about ‘functioning alcoholics’. I’m glad you told me to look it up.
Back to the OPs post I agree that she is not alcoholic. I also think this is about deeper issues than the actual glass of water and that getting the glass of water was seen as symbolic of ‘not caring’ which I feel is unfair as op had behaved helpfully all day and only just sat down. Not saying my opinion is correct though!

personally by my second one I could walk about with baby attached firmly to my boob and get a meal together for the first one! I could also pour myself not just a glass of water but a nice fat G&T too!! 1985 nobody judged us as much!

Maybe next time you’re fixing yourself a drink ask if anyone else wants anything to drink? That would be the polite/ sociable thing to do. Maybe they’ll reciprocate.

I'm sorry if my reply wasn't sympathetic. Was your daughter rude in the way she asked?

I don’t think an alcoholic would drink what you drank. I don’t feel you drank too much. An alcoholic would have had a hip flask of spirits on them all day.

This is such an outdated view of alchoholism. You can have one to two glasses of wine per day and be an alhoholic. It all depends on “need”. Please do some research.

Note: this is not me saying OP is an alcoholic.

OP, you’re in a tough spot. It sounds like a hard day. You and your daughter need to have a good conversation about both of your needs, and expectations.

That said, I think it was petty not to get her water.

Personally, I always used to get a glass of water and put it nearby before beginning the feed. I found that if I didn't have at least 1 glass of water straight after a feed, there was no milk for the next!
Just wondering why you just didn't go and fetch a glass of water for your daughter ? Just doing that would have probably stopped all of the aggro for the rest of the evening!
The best that you can do is move on and hard as it is, try and forget this one evening - or maybe your mother has a point and your drinking, in turn ,makes you more aggressive than you need to be?
Maybe next family get together just either stick to one glass of alcoholic drink and then go on to fruit juice or Lambrusco that you can kid yourself you are drinking fizzy wine with.

Any adult punishes someone by refusing to speak is weird in my opinion. You’d worked hard looking after the kids and hut, then been to work. I would have had your meal and drink waiting ready for you. I don’t think an alcoholic would drink what you drank. I don’t feel you drank too much. An alcoholic would have had a hip flask of spirits on them all day.
If you want to keep the peace, in order to see your grandchildren it sounds like you may need to bite your tongue and do things you shouldn’t have to do. You had just got in and sat down, why didn’t your daughter or your mum grab some water? My sister breastfed while walking around doing things, but I don’t know if this is usual.
Perhaps you should do as they demand with the motive of seeing the little ones, but I feel they are being unreasonable.
It may be that even if you withdraw to protect yourself, your grandchildren may come looking for you when they are older. You might be able to see them on their own.
Perhaps everyone involved feels over sensitive/ unloved/ unimportant in some way and all need validation. In this case getting the water would be like saying I love you, which may explain your daughters over reaction.
I remember once when I was depressed, feeling that my mum was unreasonable and didn’t love me because she wouldn’t go to the shop to get me sanitary pads as I had a ‘surprise’ period. This was unreasonable of me but caused by depression and feeling unloved due to that.
Maybe try making it clear how much you love your daughter and mum ( even though you shouldn’t have to) if they are still horrible, ignore them.

Sorry*dortie145*, you seem to be being picked on from all angles. Stuck between a difficult mum, and a disrespectful daughter. You’re possibly drinking too much( not my thoughts), and making more of a drama than it need be. Taking you at face value...which is all any of us can do on here, it sounds like you did enough that day. I would rethink your life, and maybe don’t make your grandchildren the centre of it. Do something for you, because at the moment, it sounds like you’re in this position, because in the past, you’ve allowed people to take advantage. Your daughter was visiting your mum, so technically, your mum should have been hosting! Give yourself some space, and get your esteem back. Keep well.

I don’t think the glass of water is the main issue. It sounds like it’s at the end of a long list. I can appreciate where the OP is coming from.

You say that your childhood was full of domestic drama and you do not want it in your life, sorry but you seem hell bent on recreating it.

* My daughter and I don't get on.*
* I don't have a great relationship with my Mum *

Is there any clues in these two statements, could it be that you need to look to yourself and see why you are having problems with your close relations

Oh Dortie why didn’t you just get her a glass of water? It would have taken you 10 seconds and it would have saved all of this fuss.

Was it the drink talking? Was it a way of getting your own back on her , as in, ‘ ‘I got the beach hut , played with the kids, been to work , came back and ate on my own’ so you can jolly well get your own drink?
If so then maybe you shouldn’t drink when your family come to stay.
Incidentally as you were at your Mums I assume it was her drinks that you were having?
We all know that a drink served indoors, especially if you are stressed is often far stronger than if served in a pub, so a stiff G & T plus a glass of wine,plus feeling a bit stroppy, might have been why you wouldn’t get her a drink.

So, lay off of the drink for a bit and try to make it up with your family.

It’s usually everyone else who sees the quantities of alcohol consumed rather than the one that’s drinking it and you might have a bit of a problem.

I hope you can sort it all out.

I don't think a G&T and a glass of wine indicates problem drinking.

On the face of it, I think dortie has been unfairly treated. I don't suppose, though, that this sort of scenario is so unusual in families, especially when people have had a busy and/or stressful day and are tired.

I hope things soon settle down for you dortie.

I think its difficult to give an objective opinion when we don't know exactly what everyone said. But I do wonder how your daughter "demanded" a drink of water. If she was rude in her way of asking I can understand you saying no. But if she simply asked why would you not?

You were tired. You had had a busy day. Your daughter is tired. She is breastfeeding and looking after a 4 year old. You are resentful because all you have done seems unappreciated. Your Mum meanwhile is pronouncing her views on your actions!

Your family you say are used to domestic drama, sounds like it is the norm. Are you are all caught up on a hamster wheel of creating dramas, arguments etc? ...If so the only thing that you can change in that is your own behaviours and expectations!!

The beach day and hut ...what a lovely gesture. But you already know how your family respond to your kindness...so change your expectations, don't hope for appreciation that you know won't come. Either that or stop doing it, which would be a shame for you and your grandchildren.

You come home tired. Were you in all honesty feeling resentful , as I expect you have done on previous occasions? Not surprising if you were, but you probably knew how they would behave and be unappreciative, as it is probably a pattern. Only you know if your drinking was too much...?? But did you think Oh blow them, I will have a drink anyway, ungrateful lot? Resentment kicking in again? Was the glass of water the last straw? Did you therefore say "No" as a way of getting back ...knowing what would happen?

I am saying these things not to be unkind but to emphasise that the only thing you can change in your family dynamic is your own behaviours and responses...so maybe try honestly to look at those and move forward with a new strategy for yourself with your family. That way you can enjoy your grandchildren, and maybe avoid so much angst?

I am truly sorry that you are in this position.

Mothers and daughters!!!
When my daughter had both her children, she was very snappy and irritable, especially with me.. She and I are both very opinionated and we butt heads a lot. So post natal wasn't the best time for us. We love each other, but our personalities are very similar.
Your daughter is probably tired and a little help from you would go a long way.
I noticed you said you don't get on with your mum. Could alcohol be getting in the way of all your relationships? Have a little time to yourself, without the alcohol and see what's happening in your life. Good luck dortie !!!

You’d had a long day - going to work too for 2 hours and then settling down to eat your late dinner. Tired I expect.

I would have still passed that glass of water.

Learn to swerve the dramas and don’t play the martyr. 2 minutes and you’d have been sat back down with your wine and smiles all round.